Is my request out of line?
DH and I just got into an argument about SD...imagine that. I checked his texts (he betrayed me in the past so I do this a couple times a month if I feel like it) and found that SD14 had a battery charge filed against her and had to go talk to a probation officer about it. DH never mentioned anything about this to me. I carefully told him that I feel left out of the loop and purposely excluded when I hear about these things by checking his texts. I asked that he tell me when things go on with SD. He got mad and said that if I want nothing to do with her, I will have nothing to do with her and don't need to know these things. I don't want anything to do with her, but I do still have an interest in her life...mainly to validate that my fears about her affect on me and the other kids and potential bodily harm were confounded. I raised her for eight years but we sent her to the inlaws last year after verbal and physical attacks on the other kids became too much to bear and after I was concerned her lies would get CPS to take our other kids away. I know she needed to leave our home, but I also feel like I abandoned her. Hearing the continued crap she does makes me feel validated and reassures me that we did the right thing. Don't I deserve to be kept in the loop about these things? After all, I was the only mom she had for eight years (her mom abandoned her).
Are you told about what your steps are up to, good and bad? Our family dynamics were different than most, I had a more active role in SD's life than most step-moms, so I feel even if most step parents don't hear about the bad, I should...not sure if I am right to feel that way.
i hear a fair amount of stuff
i hear a fair amount of stuff about SD and BM, but not everything. Partner tends to funnel the stuff that he knows will just set me off (i get pissed very easily abotu some of the nonsense).
as for reading texts im on the fence. i think in some ways once you go down that snooping road its not good BUT i also feel that no one shoudl have anything to hide.
maybe he didnt tell you becauase he didnt want to hear "i told you so"? I say that only becuase that's totally the response id give if i were you lol (see first paragaph about me getting pissy).
I read texts because when I
I read texts because when I didn't my husband cheated on me...a lot of which was arranged through text. He has changed, but I would rather verify...trust but verify as I call it.
I think DH doesn't like it when I nitpick how he handles something, or remind him that what SD says is likely not true. She has played him for a fool and convinced him to attack the school when she was lying about what happened. He is now a police officer and that crap would be embarrassing and perhaps hurt his career. I also think he feels like a crappy parent and knows I am not and doesn't want to feel inferior or me to feel superior...I think he has some issue with telling me that hasn't come to light yet.
"No interaction" Oh how I
"No interaction" Oh how I wish! I said SD was not allowed in my home, but she still visits at least once a month when my inlaws come over (another blatant disregard for my feelings). On Thanksgiving, I found her alone with my 5 year old daughter which I was not comfortable with. If she is around my kids, do I have a right to know what she is up to?
If SD comes one
If SD comes one afternoon/evening with her grandparents, I'd think between the four of you (you/DH and MIL/FIL ) you all can manage to supervise one 14yr old teen. If you don't want your own child 'found alone with SD', it's pretty simple to make clear SD stays in livingroom/diningroom and bathroom. If the kids are going out , say, to the backyard, simply either it's not allowed or perhaps an adult or two join them.
There's four adults vs one SD once a month. Quite frankly, if I were your husband I'd likely delete the texts after reading them. Why leave them in his phone for you to snoop through once a month if the mood strikes you? You gave up any 'rights' to having a blow by blow accounting of the girl when you sent her off to allow the grandparents to finish raising her. You shouldn't need to read the texts to 'validate' what's occurred ...she's out of your life except for a few hour well supervised visit once a month.
If you're worried about your five year old, give kiddo a couple toys, a coloring book and crayons and have her a comfy place tucked in the corner of the livingroom where the adults can watch any and all interactions that might occur.
That would be nice if I had
That would be nice if I had that support...the other three think SD can do no wrong and do not respect my wishes when it comes to my own kids. I was cooking the Thanksgiving dinner while the adults talked and then check to see where my daughter went and find the two of them alone. Another reason SD is not allowed to live with us, she would sneak quietly into the room with my daughter and then proceed to hurt her or verbally berate her. My five year old however has a heart of gold and wants to forgive her beloved sissy and give her unlimited second chances.
Totally agree. If you want
Totally agree. If you want to wash your hands of something, then do it. But you don't get to turn around and stick your hands right back in the pot ..
It's not just so I can feel
It's not just so I can feel validated, it is so I feel like I am respected and so I don't feel like the eight years of my life I put into this child are wasted. Why did I expend all that time, love and energy to then get slapped in the face with "Oh you aren't her mom anymore"? So I was good enough to do EVERYTHING for this child for eight years (her dad pawned her off on me) but when SHE starts breaking laws and physically attacking my kids and stealing and telling lies that could get me arrested, then I am no longer good enough to raise her? I did not kick her out because I just felt like it, I felt my other kids could potentially get seriously injured by her. She kicked my son into a wall when he was one! She tried to strangle my daughter and left fingerprints around her neck! This is not so much a case of me wanting to hear dirt (although I do want to know how bad she is getting so I can evaluate if she should be around my kids at all) it is a case of feeling like I am being punished by my husband and inlaws when "I" did nothing wrong. Why am I out of the loop simply because SD GOT HERSELF kicked out due to bad behavior?
If there are other children,
If there are other children, every legal problem affects all of you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
a/b)Yeah I guess I should
a/b)Yeah I guess I should just trust him blindly to see if I can get an incurable STD if he decides to cheat again, yeah ok.
c) Did I say I wouldn't change my reaction? No, I said how I react and perhaps that is why he doesn't want to talk about it.
d) I used to tell him how to handle things...I made ultimatums such as you get your daughter treatment or she moves out...now I give the type of advice spouses give for support
e) not just validation, also so I know if it is safe for her to be around my kids
It is obvious my dynamic is so out of the ordinary it is hard for most to fathom...yes, my life has been that jacked up and apparently I can't turn here for the support I need for some of these issues. SD has RAD, I get tired of going into the hellish details with every post...she is about the worst teenage child you could possibly imagine.
So answer the question and
So answer the question and don't attack me about the background information.
Fair enough. I wasn't asking
Fair enough. I wasn't asking about the text checking as being justified, I know I am justified in that as numerous counselors and ladies supporting me in that area of my life agree. I am glad you haven't had the need to protect yourself in that manner, I wish I didn't have that need either. I am not going to risk dying of AIDS, my kids need me. In a perfect world, all spouses would be able to trust 100%...that is what helped my DH cheat on me for six years...I trusted completely and only discovered the truth when he forgot to close a secret email account with a sexual screen name...my life has been a roller coaster since. I respect your views on that, though.
You're not being left out of
You're not being left out of the loop. You removed yourself from the loop.
If you don't want anything to do with her, you are not entitled to know anything about her or her business. She's not disrupting your home.
You wanted her out of your home & you got it. You're need to profit emotionally from anyone else's misfortune is not healthy & IMO, indicates that you have deeper issues you need to process & find resolve to.
No one is obligated to keep you in a loop you chose to remove yourself from.
You have said that you raised
You have said that you raised this child, then say that you are a better parent than DH, and you had a more active role as a stepmom than most, and then you say you gave her over to her grandparents to care for because you couldn't handle the child you raised?? And now you want validation for sending the child you raised away?
Wow. Just Wow!
She has RAD. She killed an
She has RAD. She killed an animal, she tried to strangle my daughter, she kicked my son into a wall...along with hitting/pushing/biting/tripping etc. She verbally attacked my daughter daily, she stole money and belongings out of my personal spaces. She told the community I physically abused her. She wanted me in jail so she could have her dad all to herself. Yes, I feel I owe SD because her mom abandoned her. I started raising her at five, at which time she was already pulling heads off Barbie dolls and biting people and lying and abusing animals...RAD is developed LONG before I met this girl, she had problems I am absolutely NOT responsible for. Whether SD's BM is in the picture or not, she has two bio parents that are ultimately responsible for her. My bios also have two bioparents that are ultimately responsible for them...I am one of them and it is my responsibility to remove them from dangerous situations...it reached that point and I did what I had to do.
Thank you all for attacking me like I am some monster of a step-mother. No, "good job doing that for 8 years while your husband was deployed and cheating on you and neglecting his own kid" nope all about attacking me for sending her away when I said I felt bad for that. Way to rub salt in the wound.
Apparently I cannot post about my situation and get any real help for my situation without recalling all of the trauma this child has put me through as background for my post.
" My bios also have two
" My bios also have two bioparents that are ultimately responsible for them...I am one of them and it is my responsibility to remove them from dangerous situations...it reached that point and I did what I had to do.'
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You did what you needed to do to protect your children. Why is knowing THAT not enough to satisfy your need to justify your decision to remove your SD from your life?
You opted out. (No criticism here on protecting yourself or your children, BTW.)
Given you made that decision, however, your rights to be informed of SD's business went out the door when she did.
Maybe because I care about
Maybe because I care about this girl and was the only pillar of support she had for a long time. She blames her life problems on me now and the adults allow it, the way she sees things in a twisted light are hurtful. I am severely hurt and damaged by what this whole mess has done to me. I tried to help her and she didn't want the help. Why am I just thrown to the curb? I didn't ask SD to hurt everyone. But she did, I had to do what I had to do and now I feel punished instead of supported. Instead of my husband staying close to me through this, I feel he is "taking SDs side" and keeping me in the dark. If I had known how I would be treated, I never would have put forth effort from the beginning. The results of my eight years is pathetic...no thank you for trying, just secrets.
Are spouses supposed to have ANY secrets? Not in the kind of marriage I want.
I'm not trying to offend, but
I'm not trying to offend, but I think if you're willing to look at the situation in a different light you'll be able to help yourself heal from a lot of this.
Part of my situation is similar to yours, in that the BM I now deal with abandoned my DH, SD, & SS. I was their mother-figure for 5 years after she left. We all got along great! When BM realized I was in the picture, she made her way back around. Overnight I went from being adored & loved to being Satan in their eyes. It was like she was somehow an angel who came & "saved" them from life with me. I was the one who gave up having children of my own to build a future with my DH & I was thrilled to have his kids in my life. That's earned me 7 years (so far) of blame & accusations from all 3.
I understand your hurt feelings, but in order to be able to move forward from the 8 years you seem to feel she owes you something for, you have to be willing to accept some things & be willing to put those 8 eight years of hurt behind you.
You can't control the choices that other people make. You can't control who your SD chooses to blame for what. You can't control what any other adults do or do not allow. You can't control how twisted other people see things.
As I said, I understand your hurt, but reveling in someone else's mishaps & poor choices is not a healthy way to cope with it.
We are each responsible for ourselves. We have to decide we WANT to heal & then we have to resolve to do it, regardless of choices other people make.
You don't need SD's, your DH's, or anybody else's permission to heal & move forward from anything that you decide you want to heal & move forward from. You just have to want it enough to choose to do it.
Your DH is not obligated to share his daughter's business with you. That's not keeping a secret. That's respecting someone else's private business. Would you feel betrayed if he did not share the same information regarding any of his co-workers? He is not obligated to gossip about someone you want nothing to do with to appease your need to feel justified in protecting your children.
Honestly, it seems you have a number of things going on in your marriage I wouldn't want in mine. The infidelity, the snooping, the lack of outside family support, etc.
You wanted to be done with her. Be done with ALL of her.
That is just crazy thinking.
That is just crazy thinking. Her husband should be able to share these things with her. OP already said she doesn't use the information to throw it back in his face. If he can't share these things with her then what should he do. This is some serious stuff here you can't just keep that all in. ALSO HER DH SENT HIS DAUGHTER TO LIVE WITH INLAWS! He was part of that. She doesn't have a magic wand to make another person's child disappear!
He is able to share them with
He is able to share them with her. Obviously he doesn't want to. He seems to be dealing with it fine. OP is the one upset that he isn't.
OP said she wanted SD out for the sake of safety. Yes, I imagine her DH had a part in it too. However, his child is his business. Obviously he chose to keep a relationship with his child. OP didn't.
She opted out. She got it.
Not all blended families
Not all blended families treat their step children as solely their spouses business. THEY agreed to move this girl out of the house. That being said I do not feel that means this child is solely his business. OP has some guilt about their decision to move her out of the house and she wants some validation that they did the right thing. Not validation that SD is a rotten kid, just that they were right to move her. That was a hard choice to make after having her in their home for 8 years. I do not think it is to much to ask of her husband to say. "You know I think it was the best decision we could have made for the time being because she just got an assault charge put on her." That is how I see it, I would want validation on that choice myself. I don't think that is too much to ask of him. HE knows his daughter has a serious problem she is diagnosed with RAD. It isn't like to OP is the one who saying she has it. It just so happens the OP might have been the first one to notice it.
I don't think anyone is
I don't think anyone is trying to attack you. I don't think you need to be kept in the loop of anything that goes on with SD since she is no longer your responsibility.
From what you say she has done to your children, at no time ever should she be around them, and it's up to you to ensure your children are safe, not leave it up to people who obviously don't share your insight of what this girl has done to harm them.
If she is not allowed in your house she should not be in your house. Period. If you don't trust your husband enough not to read his texts, and he doesn't respect your wishes by having her over you should reconsider your marriage. I understand he cheated on you, but you forgave him and chose to continue living with him.
And just as an aside, if your husband cheated on you and arranged it mainly through texts, and knows that you now read his texts, don't you think he will just find another way, delete the texts, get a second cell phone, messages through computer? etc. Cheaters rarely change, the just get sneakier.
It isn't that I don't like
It isn't that I don't like the answers, I don't feel like I am understood and feel I need to keep explaining myself. Sometimes there is a lot more to the story than what is originally posted...I try to keep it brief but a lot of the story gets left out. In my case, the story is extremely involved and more than most can imagine is possible.
I know if everyone knew the full story, at least most responses would be completely different...common sense would prevail. I am not trying to discredit or bash anyone, but not knowing everything changes a lot. I am only 29 but have been through more hell than most will go through in a lifetime. If you haven't walked in my shoes, you really have no way to understand where I am coming from. I have been extremely damaged yet strengthened over the years. I have had more counseling and opportunities to think deeply about myself than most ever will.
Thanks to Patsy I now see I am not upset by not hearing about SD, I am upset because my DH is keeping secrets from me...no matter what those secrets are they are not appropriate in a marriage relationship. He is closed off...which goes along with the addiction issues he has had. It hurts to know we still have so far to go. I have worked my butt off fixing my emotional issues and understanding and healing from my scars...then I see things and wonder if DH is trying to fix himself at all...that is what is really hurting me here...not SD issues at all.
My DH shares the majority of
My DH shares the majority of things with me concerning SD17. If she were to get an assault charge I feel he would share that as well. I think it should be this way in a healthy marriage. It is all in how you handle this information. Even when I have been right about things and he hasn't I have never said I told you so. I wouldn't want him to do that to me. It sounds to me you are divided in your choices when it comes to your SD. I assume it was a very hard decision to send her to live with your inlaws and that it was also the best thing for the other children in the house. I don't have an answer for you as to whether you are asking too much from him to share these things with you because I do not know how you treat the news when you get it.
I posted the above before I
I posted the above before I read about the RAD. Your husband should be sharing this information with you since you are being supportive when you get the news. He is angry at his daughter and taking it out on you. Remind him of the fact that you and him are not the ones causing the problems that your SD has a very serious disorder and you need to be able to talk about things together concerning SD. For him to keep it all to himself is too much for him and your marriage.
I guess that is why I am
I guess that is why I am upset and not really even realizing it...A HEALTHY MARRIAGE. I don't feel like we have one when we are not open with each other. I feel like he is purposely keeping secrets from me. I do not say "I told you so". I am respectful and would just say "OK thanks for letting me know". He hasn't offered ANY info on SD since she moved out...I have to pry or snoop. In the past I told him how I thought situations should be handled, when she lived with us and it affected me. I don't anymore except for if it reaches a point that it is disgusting, like SD telling DH he will do something for her instead of asking and him just going along with it...he would throw a fit if I addressed him in that manner but SD gets away with it.
I am respectful and would
I am respectful and would just say "OK thanks for letting me know".
How many times would he have to "let you know" before you could accept she's a screw up & move on?
How many time do you feel like he should have to come to you to confess his daughters sins?
I know she is a screw up...it
I know she is a screw up...it isn't about moving on, it is about wanting to be kept in the loop like a spouse should be in a healthy marriage relationship. Obviously my marriage still isn't as healthy as I would like for it to be. He has NOT ONCE offered any information on SD. His MIL will say something in front of me and later I have to pry the details out of him. I am an outsider in my own extended family and it is because DH won't open up and talk to me!
In most regards, I am like SD's bio MOM..I was MOM to her. If a bio child had to move in with the other parent to try to straighten her out, wouldn't the parent she left still be in the loop? Yes!
You weren't MOM to her. Even
You weren't MOM to her. Even being absent, BM is her mom. There's a good chance she's angry with you for pushing her out of your home & justifying her anger with the thought that her "real" mom would never do that.
Or maybe she's angry with her BM for ousting her from her life & she feels that now you...her mother-figure...have done the same thing.
Honestly, if someone (regardless of who) put me out of their family & home, I'd be pretty pissed off too. You don't get to push her out of your life & continue dipping your nose into hers.
Again, not saying your choice wasn't justified. I guess it falls in with the whole, "You can't have your cake & eat it too".
Ok...I guess I feel different
Ok...I guess I feel different than most. I think he is keeping that info from you so that HE can say how great SD is doing and YOU should have never been mean to her because she is so great now. Now he cant say that because you know the truth.
I think DH keeps some stuff from me just out of embarrassment.
WILLOW - Exactly! He is too
WILLOW - Exactly! He is too proud to admit his wife was right. What I don't understand is if he thought she was so wrong how could he have sent his daughter to live elsewhere. She gave him and ultimatum, but he could have chosen the latter if he really felt like his daughter didn't need to be removed from the home.
I think this definitely has
I think this definitely has something to do with it, but instead of admitting it, he says it is my fault because of how I respond (did I mention he has some verbal abuse tendencies and saying everything is my fault is not new?). Ugh I am so hurt by him right now!
You have every right to be
You have every right to be hurt. I just can't imagine that you were able to move past him cheating on you and you guys can't work this out. I feel for you I really do. Just look at him when he goes on about things that he blames you for and say "THAT IS NOT TRUE AND YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IT!" Then leave cool off. When my husband and I have an argument for years he thought it had to be resolved before we went to bed. I totally disagree with this and I have no problem going to bed angry. It keeps a lot of hurtful language out of our arguments.
Patsy, thank you for your
Patsy, thank you for your words of wisdom, they have helped me to see where the real problem lies and what is really bothering me. It wasn't "SD secrets" it was just secrets in general. I feel like our relationship has come a long way...I feel like I have addressed all of my emotional scars...but I feel like DH is holding back and not willing to fully heal and correct his scewed thinking so we can move forward in our marriage...he is still hanging on to secrets that used to fuel the excitement in his affairs...his secrets are just different now.
I'm glad you found help in my
I'm glad you found help in my responses. Explain that to him. Let him know it is not your SD you are upset with. Let him know you want to help him with this. Remind him that you did mother her for all those years. If you feel guilt that there may have been something you could have done to help with the RAD let him know that too. The only way for people to admit to us that they may have done wrong is to know that we feel there are things we could have done differently too. Take care and hang in there!
My SD is 22 now, but I like
My SD is 22 now, but I like to know what is going on with her for several reasons. I don't snoop to find out though, DH tells me.
I do care about her well being and like to know if she is maturing or continuing to make stupid choices. Most of what I have done for her has been in vain but if she would ever grow up, I would like to help her out if I can. I do want her to succeed in life and want to hear about the good more than the bad.
If her decisions or actions affect my husband (emotionally or otherwise), that is going to affect me.
How she behaves does let me know that I am justified in my decision to not let her move in with us. I don't revel in her mistakes or rub them in to my husband. It's not about being able to gloat and say, "See, I was right", it's about me knowing that I made the right choice based on facts and not just my emotions.
Your SD is still a minor and her actions could very much affect your household. It would be nice if you and your DH could discuss instead of you having to find out behind his back.
Not wanting her in your home for the reasons you stated, is different than not caring at all. I'm sure you would like a relationship with her at some point, should she ever get her act together. How will you know if that is happening or not if you are left totally in the dark?
If your DH is not talking to you about her, who does he have to talk to about the situation? You are his spouse. You may have ideas or suggestions that would be useful. How you present them is a different matter.
I mean no offense, but a big part of the problem seems to be your relationship with your DH. You don't trust him, he doesn't trust your motives regarding SD, so he doesn't feel he can talk to you about her, you don't trust his handling of SD and the two of you are just not communicating.
Thanks hereiam! I think I am
Thanks hereiam! I think I am realizing that it is further issues in my marriage that are bothering me right now...we should be open with each other and I thought we were. Then I find him keeping secrets and it really hurts me. It wouldn't matter if they are SD related or something completely different. Secrets in a marriage are not healthy for either partner. We worked on the infidelity, then we worked on the verbal abuse (still working on that), we worked on communication...I am tired of fixing one issue to find three more.
Oh, and he talks to his sister and mom instead of me
Sometimes I wonder how many more marital issues I could possibly find and fix...there is always something and I am starting to get discouraged.
MY DH kept me out of the loop
MY DH kept me out of the loop for three years. Until he got so desperate about his daughters behavior and wanted her back in our life. He thought my influence would help by bringing her back in. Not working out well and now I am shutting her out again. I can't not take the disrespect and the poor choices she keeps making.
I agree with Willow, it is easier to keep us out of the mess, since they are embarrassed that we were right along on our assessment.
"He got mad and said that if
"He got mad and said that if I want nothing to do with her, I will have nothing to do with her and don't need to know these things."
This sounds to me like he's punishing you for the decision that his daughter had to be removed from the home. I don't see what other choice the two of you had. She was assaulting the other children in the home. Would he have preferred if she remained in the home and caused serious harm to one of the other children?
He expected you to be the primary caregiver for his child and you did your best by her. You are willing to stay with this man after he cheated on you, and his daughter strangled one of your children and kicked a toddler into a wall. Considering what you've been through, at his hands and his daughters, he should be less defensive and way more appreciative.
This couldn't have been an easy decision. I don't really see what's abnormal about wanting validation that you made the right decision in a difficult situation, to protect your children from further harm. Maybe even to save their lives.
My take ~ you did everything
My take ~ you did everything you were emotional capable for her. The only solution was to remove her from your home to protect your kids.
You are obviously not given any information on the SD by your DH ~ so you dug into his phone n found exactly what you were looking for ~ some information on her. Maybe more than you thought you were going to find but whatever. You found concerning information ~ which further justifies your conscience of removing her from your home. Understood. Some might say ~ you went diggin ~ whatever !!!
He didn't tell you , why !?? Because simple he didn't want you to know. If in your eyes she is evil ~ why oh why would he volunteer that kind of information. Put your feet in his shoes ~ no good could come from you knowing. Like a momma bear ~ you initial reaction would b ~ see I told you this would happen.
If you sent her away to live with in laws ~ you had concern for your children's safety. You protected your kids like you should have. Nothing has changed with that. Be consistent on ~ protecting your kids unless something drastically changes for the good. Expect the worst n you will hear if things improve believe it. He will be the first one coming to you to show she has changed.