2 steps forward, 10 steps back with step kids
I am so thankful that I have found this site. Although my problem with my step kids is not nearly as deep or hard as some of you have it (which I am grateful for) it's still a problem.
My DH has a 7-year old son and a 11-year old daughter. Their mother gave them up to him over 4 years ago and has not spoken to them in 2 years. My SS does not have any memory of her and to him, I am his mother. My SD does, but they are not fond memories. She has gone to counceling for it, we have had numerous discussions about it, and she knows she is better off not being with her.
If you ask anyone who know these kids (mostly my family because it's who is around them) they will tell you what great kids they are and how lucky I am because it could be worse. Yes, they are good kids, saying they are great is stretching it. If they were great, I wouldn't be on this site right now. My question is, how do you deal with misbehavior and disrespect from kids you do not have a really strong bond with, or unconditional love for? Anytime they do something, it takes me forever to get over it. Their dad on the other hand, gets over it pretty quickly because he has that bond and unconditional love for them.
See, unlike most step-moms, I have these kids ALL the time since their mom is not in the picture. I am very glad I don't have to deal with a BM, but at the same time, I don't get a break from the kids and don't get to spend time with just my husband. We are still in our first year of marriage so things should still be all happy go lucky. For the most part they are. The only thing we ever fight about is the kids. If we didn't have them, we would have nothing to fight about.
My SS and I bonded right away. He calls me mom because that is how he thinks of me. Yet, there are so many times with both him and his sister put me back in my place and remind me that I am their step-mom. He started lying to me a while ago, and since then, it has been really hard for me to get close to him again. Every time I feel we are getting back on track, he does it again and we are back to square one.
I have not bonded with my SD barely at all. We have nothing in common besides being female. I have tried and tried to figure out ways for us to bond, but just like her brother, every time we get close, she does something to set us back. She doesn't have any kind of sense of humor or real personality which makes it ever harder for us to bond together.
Does anyone have any suggestions or words of advice on how to get through this world of step-parenting without ending up on meds or divorced? We are having a baby of our own in March which we are both really looking forward to. But all this stress I'm having with the kids is affecting my enjoyment of my first pregnancy and I know it's affecting my baby.
Aksnowball - give yourself a
Aksnowball - give yourself a break - you will not automatically love these children - and you may never love them - but if you care about them and protect them and show them you are there for them that is what they need. You need to give yourself permission to feel that it is okay not to love them - I have a SS and a DD - my DD can do things and I let it flow off of my back - my SS just annoys the shit out of me -
The first year of marriage is very hard throw children that are not yours into the mix and it can get really hairy - we got SS full time for 3 years - 3 months into the marriage - I truly believe that BM wanted to break up the marriage (she did not want my DH - she just did not want him to be happy with someone else- she cheated and kicked him out). We went to counseling 6 months into the marriage and it really helped for DH to see a third party opinion about all of the things that I was complaining about.
I will say that the biggest piece of advice I got did not come from our therapist but from my sister - I called her one day crying saying I felt so bad that I did not love my SS and was afraid to tell my DH - she said why would you love him - he is not yours you were not able to bond with him when he was a baby (SS was 9 when he moved in) you have not had years to build up the love and besides he already has a mother and that is not you - this made me feel so much better it was like I was not a monster but that my feelings were very valid - I told DH about how I felt and he said "I wish you would have told me sooner - I would have told you it was okay not to love him - I understand he is not yours (I had the talk with him about 6 months into the marriage crying the whole time). My sister also told me you may never love him and that is okay just be there for him.
So next time the kids are annoying you take a deep breath and count to 10 and picture yourself some place wonderful - and you and your DH should be having date nights at least twice a month - hire a babysitter and get out go to dinner and talk about everything but your jobs and the kids - you two need to be connecting.
ak - congrats on your
ak - congrats on your pregnancy...
i don't really have any advice. but i feel the same way about skids regarding misbehavior and disrespect, i don't get over it very fast myself as dh puts it in the past immediately.
i don't love my skids, i barely like them. i totally sympathize with the fact that you have skids 24/7. i only get jacked with skids about 48% of the time and those visitations make me miserable.. i dread the thought of them coming and i long for their departure.
if it's any consolation, you are not alone in your feelings. good luck!