There is No Try, Only Do...But How to Do It???
After reading many entries to the forum, I decided to join this site. I've always felt like I was a bad person for feeling the way that I do about my blended family situation.
I grew up in a very traditional home: mom, dad, kids. My parents are still married and have never had children outside of their marriage. I think that I felt that this was the ideal family, and maybe that's why I feel so much guilt when I find myself unable to cope with my stepchildren.
I have two step-daughters, one 16 (who lines with her mother, out of state), the other 11 (who lives with us). Before I married my husband, the 11-year old's mother was pregnant at the same time I was. Needless to say, I have a son who is also 11. I thought that it would be OK for me to deal with, since both of the girls lived out of state. Well, the 11-year old has a mom that (I feel) had her because she was trying to snag my husband, and since that didn't work, she has basically abandoned the child. She has been living with us, off and on, since she was 4 months old, and has been with us now for 3 years. I initially didn't even want kids of my own, but my son is a joy to be around. The girl, on the other hand...
To say that I have strong dislike for her would be an understatement. I can't stand her at all. She whines when she doesn't get her way, she acts like she doesn't know how to use her brain, and she doesn't take care of her hygiene. She grosses me out. And her mother does the bare minimum- out of sight, out of mind. This woman had the nerve to have another baby (with a different man) while I am taking care of HER kid!! We practically have to beg her to call, and this child is just in limbo. I feel bad for her sometimes, but I just don't know if I have the strength to be a mom to her. It's like night and day, between her and my son. They are the same age, but mentally, she acts like she is 7. She is incredibly selfish and has to be given instruction for everything. My son is proactive and even volunteers to help with dinner. He keeps his hygiene together and his room clean. She is just downright lazy and thinks we are her personal bank account while her mom doesn't send us a dime to help out. The 16-year old is no better, but at least she lives with her mom. I can tolerate her for a couple of months out of the year.
I love my husband with all my heart. How can I cope? I feel like I need to be a bigger person and let it go. My methods just haven't been working very well. Thanks for listening.
Well, just like you can't
Well, just like you can't force yourself to love a man you can't FORCE yourself to love someone else's child. Either you guys work together or you don't and I DO believe that sometimes it can be an in between thing. Sounds like you guys don't have chemistry though. As long as you aren't being CRUEL to her it's okay to accept that you just don't like her and that in itself should help you tons.
There is a such thing as not liking a person but still getting along enough for the sake of getting along. As long as you can tolerate her, there should be no problem but if you can't then it might be best to disengage.
The important thing is that you accept your feelings and recognize your limitations and know that it's okay and perfectly normal to feel this way.
This girl sounds like she needs some tender loving care though. She's going to act out if she feels as though she's not wanted anywhere. What leads me to believe this even more firmly is the fact that she doesn't sound like she even cares for herself.
If you just don't feel up to taking care of it then maybe bring it to DH's attention that she needs his love and affection... maybe get her a mentor or put her in counseling or both. I think a mentor would help the most though. My DD14 had one for awhile at her dad's and it made ALL the difference when she lived there. Now she lives with me and it's not a problem but it helped a LOT when she needed one. Just a suggestion... I wish you luck.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
I agree with you and that she doesn't really feel that great about herself. She really doesn't seem to take much pride in her appearance, and then projects her inadequacies on everyone else. My son is actually close to her, and he can be that pragmatic voice that helps her see the light (if she isn't combative and confrontational about it, which happens maybe 75% of the time).
I actually try so hard to be that mother she needs. It's just getting harder as she gets older. We have some friends and family that have stepped in and work with her individually. She has a great aunt that takes her for weekend events, a cousin that has daughters, and a close friend that calls her every week to see how she is doing. Her mother does the bare minimum. We also have her in a music program at school, and she is quite talented. These are things we do to show we care, and I do actually care for her, as a human being. Seeing her as a human with issues that I may have too prevents me from being cruel to her. I refuse to be cruel, because I felt that my own mother was cruel to me when I was growing up, and I always thought that when I have my own children, I would refrain from that kind of behavior. I just don't like having the extra responsibility of having to be her mom.