New here, really dislike my husband's children
I am new here and I have been lurking. I am hoping I can find some help/comfort/reassurance here. I am 36 and my husband is 29. He has two kids. A boy age 3 and a girl age 6. I am not and never will be a kid person. I have had pets my whole life and I can't imagine my life without them. I honestly can't stand kids. I mean, I don't hate them and would never harm them but they are not my forte. When I met my husband 3 years ago, I asked him if he had kids. He said he had a girl and she was 3 at the time. He also had a 1 month old at the time I met him but he kept him a secret from me. Meanwhile 5 months later, after I had fallen in love with him and took him to New York he finally admitted to me that he also had a son who was then5 months old. I was in shock and couldn't believe what I heard. We knew we wanted to get married from the moment we met. I love him very much and he is so much fun. He said he kept his son a secret from me because he knew I would have ran and he was right. He is now trying to get custody but that is another subject. I loved him so much that I knew I could handle the daughter. HIs son drives me crazy. I can't even look at him and smile. He is really so cute and has big blue eyes but I cannot freakin stand him. The daughter is much more easy to deal with and she totally loves me. I do have a good relationship with her surprisingly. The little boy gets on my nerves. My husband is trying to get custody because his ex is a deadbeat. I have a house that is plenty big but now sure how I will handle seeing this skid everyday. I read to the daughter and always try to teach her things. I think she has a learning disability and I think his son has ADD. If he knew I said this stuff he would kill me. Just not sure how I can handle my situation. The little boy was a 5 month surprise and now I am here. I made a commitment to my husband when I married him. So he is a package deal. Help!
As I said in my post earlier.
As I said in my post earlier. I do love him very much. Yes he lied about something huge and I do have a hard time trusting him but not to a point that it causes problems in that area. I figured I could handle one but by the time I found out about the second I was already in elbows deep. I couldn't just run for the hills. I would have ran for the hills from the start if he told me he had a 1 MONTH OLD SON. I would have ran. So I feel I was blind sided and I wanted to marry him. I know I didn't have to marry him. I came to this forum to see if there were other people in my situation who disliked children. They freakin disgust me. I was born without that part in me where most people want kids and they are so cute. Animals are another story. So I am here to see how everyone handles step kids they don't like.
I don't want to be
I don't want to be negative...but...if you don't like them, how are you ever going to live with them? Listen, I have BEEN there and unless your husband is cut from some different "miracle cloth" than the rest of them, it is never going to be "better" than it is now...only worse.
Children need unconditional love, constructive discipline, security, etc. etc., blah blah blah...can YOU, as the mother figure in your home give that to them every day for the rest of their lives?
Can you stand by and take it while your husband puts their WANTS and DESIRES ahead of YOUR NEEDS, ahead of your MARRIAGE? Can you handle being "the outsider" in your own home? Can you handle not being included in decision making when it comes to the children that YOU are taking care of day in and day out?
I have a very difficult time
I have a very difficult time accepting my SD as well - and am also considering counseling because, like you, I love him more than anything in the world and can 't imagine life without him - so you just have to figure out a way to get around it and work through it. Maybe your feelings will change in time, and maybe they won't - and that's something you have to realize. One thing I can tell you, which you probably already know, is that your "dislike" of the child will cause significant strain in your marriage which will only worsen if you don't address it, and SOON. Just remember there are so many others in your situation who have to deal with the drama. Talk to a professional if you need to. It took a few years to accept my SS, and we get along great now - it's the SD I have a difficult time with. So maybe someday your relationship with his son will improve as well.
This man showed you what he
This man showed you what he was before you married him - a liar with two kids.
How do you know BM is a deadbeat? Your husband could be lying about her. He may be trying to get full custody so that he won't have to pay CS.
No child deserves to grow up in a home with someone who dislikes/hates them.
Well I know a lot about her
Well I know a lot about her just from her rap sheet and what the social worker says. She is 26, has not graduated high school even, lives off the government, does drugs, is an alcoholic, dates gang bangers and there has been a number of domestic violence in front of the kids between her and the gang bangers she brings home. So I am very sure she is a loser and I understand him wanting to get them out of that situation. I think those kids are going to be screwed up. The social worker even said so. Little boy doesn't want to listen and mind. He tried to choke his sister's dog which they keep at grandmas. She lost custody of the dog too. I have four animals and I wont let him around them unless I am there. So I can see right now he is and will be a problem child. Now the girl really is a good girl. She minds and listens and doesn't act like a brat. Like I said I can tolerate her fine, its just the little boy I can't stand. With her, I just worry that she might have a learning disability. I am always trying to teach her stuff. We are studying the kids bible together. I mean, I am reading it to her and teaching her. I am a very good teacher. I know that for sure. She doesn't seem very bright. I am wondering if her mom did drugs and drank while being prego. I asked my husband and he said no but I wonder if he is lying about that. But oh well. I do love him very much that is why I chose to be with him knowing he had the girl. But felt tricked about the boy. I just need to be patient with him. One part I left out. When we got married last Feb., we didn't have a custody battle going on. I was totally fine tolerating them on the weekends but this custody thing started last summer. I can do this I just completely understand why I love animals so much and dislike kiddos.
I am wondering if maybe you
I am wondering if maybe you feel such strong negative feelings toward the ss cause he was the one that was lied about? By your use of words in your post, i get that you are not a kid person, and that you would have definitly left had you known about ss. I get the feeling that by these actions and your words, you feel betrayed. And that is a strong emotion.
You feel betrayed and cheated. And the person he betrayed you about is still around, AND he is trying for custody.
When i say cheated, i mean cheated in your life and your choices.
I think there are deeper emotions running there than you think, and no, maybe it doesnt effect your relationship with dh, but its effecting your interaction with ss.
Please get counseling. Maybe through counseling you can learn where these feelings are coming from, learn the proper way to deal with them and where to direct them.
And yes, it is normal to strongly dislike your skids. We all have our reasons. I would suggest counseling to anyone that cannot productivly deal with those feelings.
Good Luck to you.
Well this forum is full of
Well this forum is full of people complaining about their stepkids for one reason or another. WE are all here for some reason and there is no need to be nasty. The girl and I are fine it's the little boy that drives me bonkers. Yes I do need good luck and I need to find out what the problem is. I know one thing. I am impatient towards any kid. I mean any kid. I don't have the patience and that is why I don't have kids. I am just not fond of kids but I can tolerate them. Even my friends kids when we meet for lunch and I see them all over the place I just cringe. I am just glad I don't have any of my own. I love my pets so much and that is what completes me. So why are you on this forum? I really think my problem is I am just impatient. I love it when they sit on the couch and watch movies and they are quite. When he starts chasing the pets or jumping on the couch I want to scream. Today the little girl said she loves me and wishes I was her mom. So I can't be that bad. I just need to be more patient with the boy.
You know I think you hit
You know I think you hit something. I do feel betrayed. It was such a shock when he told me. The circumstances in which he told me hurt as well. One night he didn't come home. When we first met he played the perfect man then his true colors came out. Sociopath pretty much sums it up. Well one night he didn't come home. I worked nights and he didn't like to be home alone. He hangs with his friends and they were drinking and a fight broke out. He went to detox. I made him prove it to me so that is where he was and the next day I was worried sick. I couldn't sleep. I blew his phone up. In the morning when he got out he called and told me where he was and before I could get made at him for acting like a child he dropped the ball on me. Then he let me go to go back to work and I was not done with our conversation and I had to wait all day to talk to him meanwhile going nuts. Then he freaken said he needed a break from me but that lasted a week. I know I am dumb for being with him after the things he has done and I would tell another person in my situation the same thing but it is so different when it involves you and feelings. So I do have a lot of resentment and maybe that is why it is more toward the little guy because I knew about the girl. Now I have more thinking to do.
Lots of counseling for all
Lots of counseling for all involved.This is your only help of any type of happy healthy family.
Lets just say, he does stay
Lets just say, he does stay with you, knowing you hate his kids. He may tolerate it for awhile, but I guarantee he will get tired of it. Not to mention the fact that by then, his relationship with his kids may not rebound from your presence. How will you feel then? You will have ruined 3 relationships, and for what?
Well he doesn't know. He
Well he doesn't know. He won't leave me. The kids don't know how I feel. This is an internal vent.
I always wonder when people
I always wonder when people post comments like "why did you marry him if you blah blah blah" Have those people ever been in love? Are they actually in love with their spouse? Because even if i had an extreme hatred for my SS I would suck it up because I am so very in love with my husband and that out weighs everything.
I love my DF but not enough
I love my DF but not enough to live in misery.
Love isn't an excuse to ignore how you feel about kids.
as a matter of fact it is
as a matter of fact it is
You hit the nail on the head.
You hit the nail on the head. I do love him and will accept his baggage. It will just take a little more on my part to accept.
Can't you think of them as
Can't you think of them as small furless animals that you can release into the wild and will eventually take care of themselves?
It sounds like you rescued him from himself. Detox? Fights? Begatting 2 children with 2 different women? So let me get this straight... at 23 he has a child with BM1. At 26 he has a child with BM2. At 26+ he gets into a barfight and gets put into detox and then when you are frantic he calls you and drops "BTW I wasn't honest with you because I know how you hate kids but I have a 5 mth old son." The man wasn't 16, he is in his 20s!
So in the previous year he had got another woman pregnant, met his gravytrain (ie:YOU!)lied about his own son so as not to lose you and then you STILL married him? People love abusers and leave. People love acoholics and leave. People love gamblers and leave.
Love is NOT unconditional when it come to partners. You have to be honest from the getgo. We aren't dogs that go by instinct (although I wonder sometimes). I have loved men who just made stupid choices I couldn't live with and walked away.
Did you see this man as your last chance or something?
The kids are there to stay. And considering the little boys mother leads a rather careless life it is likely she may end up dead before you do. And 3 guesses who will be having Mr3 as a permemant houseguest?
Either cut your ties now because no child needs a SM/SD who hates the sight of them. Or suck it up and learn to deal with kids.
Kids 101: The little boy is winding you up because he can and he gets attention for doing so. Bad attention, but seeing his mother is a drop kick some attention is better than none. So the lesson is how to harness his energy. And this is where his father (sigh!) comes in. He takes him out and about. He takes him to the park. He reigns in the energy bursting out of 3 yr old boys. He is NOT going to mind his manners because he doesn't know HOW. He is NOT going to behave at the dinner table because he doesn't know HOW. These are not lessons leanrt overnight. These are repititious and boring and you say them in your sleep. But eventually it gets in there and sticks, somewhat.
Start with simple stuff, just like you train a dog. "Sit" "stay" "Excuse me, adults talking" "Plate in the sink please". My kids know my commands when they were younger. My grand daughter can walk through the crystal/ china section of an expensive store and automatically puts her hands behind her back
because this is what we taught her.
He will learn not to throw things, not to jump on furniture, not to drive you crazy. But he is part of the package your DH brought into your marriage. You took this all on, now you have to live with it.
I bet in 15 yrs that little boy will be looking at you from his graduating H/School class thanking you for being the one stable person in his life. Because his mother isn't there for him and his father isn't much better.
I still don't see what was so attractive in a man who you took to New York on your dime (does he work at all?) who lies about his own kids (would lie about how many pets you have? Why would someone lie about their kids?)and gets into bar fights at 26+? Did he miss the sex ed class about condoms?
Oneoffour you got it wrong.
Oneoffour you got it wrong. At 23 he had a girl with bm1 and 3 years later had a boy with bm1. Same mom both kids. Now she has 3 kids with 2 bd. he also does not know how I feel about kids. He knows I don't want any but doesn't know its like pulling teeth to be around theboy.
I think he did miss sex Ed. I took him to ny for Christmas gift. I do live him and won't walk out on him. I forgive him for the wrongs he has done. I'm patient with people I love but not with people I don't love. I have been a very positive person in both of their lives.mjust today his mom called and said she feels so lucky I am in the kids lives. Pretty touching. Then I had to take a step back and said you can do this. This is my own issue that he drives me nuts. I am just not made for kids. In time I'll love them then I won't be so horrible but I do treat them good and would never ever lay a hand on them. I have great qualities. I don't drink do drugs or smoke. I have my own everything. Have a college degree. I live animals and donate quite often. I can think of worse things.
You love your husband, thats
You love your husband, thats enough, you will learn to be able to cope with the kids in time. Maybe get into a group or talk to someone. Do NOT let anyone tell you your wrong or that you should not have married him.