Letter or no letter
This is a serious question because I do not know what to do and I am trying to put myself in BM's shoes. So all of the BM's out there and SM's take a look and tell me what I should do. I got into this relationship with my SO two years ago and my SO had one serious girlfriend before me after BM and my SO ended their marriage. I am not the first person he has dated, asked out, flirted with or any such thing but she acts as if I am the one that ended their marriage. When I met my ss's they only saw their mom EO Monday for one hour. She left early and arrived late. The boys didnt really know her so when I came into the picture they were really starved for a mother in their life. I jumped in like most of us do thinking I would be the best mother to them. I have had a lot of ups and downs with them but I really do care for them. After about a year in a half she finally realized that the boys had me and it was getting serious. She has cleaned herself up and trying to get back into their life but she is causing quite a stir in our household. She has been telling the boys she calls my SO and texts him so she can talk to the boys but he never lets her and that is a complete bold face lie! I know she doesnt. She is trying to manipulate them into thinking she is the victim when really she was this drug addict who tried to kill herself in front of my ss9 and ss7. I was thinking about writing her an email or a letter. Maybe if she sees that I am trying to be civil this will cause her to be a little civil. I was thinking of writing a letter introducing myself and saying that I love the boys and I am trying to what is best for them while in my home. I would never allow harm to come to them and I am trying my best. I also would like to put in their if she wants to talk to the boys she can and just let me know when she wants the boys to call her. Something along those lines to let her know I am not trying to make things hard for her......does it seem childish that I want to write to her. I dont expect us to be friends or even get along but if she would stop trying manipulate the kids it would be a good start. Has anyone tried this? We have never met and she has talked about me from my weight down to fb pictures and such. I dont know why she hates me because I am not the one who put a problem in her marriage. She left her family and I guess if she doesnt want them then no one can have them. idk
Agree! Agree! Agree! We have
Agree! Agree! Agree! We have a saying in our house - DO NOT ENGAGE DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT......
It will only make it worse. Besides - ignoring and carrying on without confronting will tick her off more. She will not get the attention or the drama she is craving. DONT FEED THE ANIMALS!
Yea I have seen the stories
Yea I have seen the stories and I always agree that the SO should be the person to get involved. I know ever BM is going to hate me for saying this but because you popped out a child and believe me I know its work but it doesnt make you a mother. I raise them I do not her so for her to get upset that I am mothering her children I understand but I am also their mother not by blood but I am the one they deal with everyday. They tell me their hopes, dreams, fears, and everything. I am the one who goes to the sport events, bake sales, and everything else. I hate how I cant do anything but I take care of everything.......ugh what should I tell my SO to do with her anyway to make them see reason anything at all.......anywhere
I am a BM and an SM, and it
I am a BM and an SM, and it doesn't bother me that you say this. It takes more than anatomy of a woman to be a MOTHER.
I am normally an advocate of
I am normally an advocate of at least TRYING to build some sort of "co-parenting" relationship with the BM. I have done so, and it works well in our situation... HOWEVER, I don't think that best from what you have written here. She is obviously unstable, and unpredictable. I foresee this blowing up in your face. She seems desparate and it SEEMS (I could be wrong) enevitable that she would manipulate your efforts and use them against you. I would let your husband deal with her. And depending on the age/ maturity level of the skids, just tell them the truth. Honesty is always best, right?
I agree but some of the stuff
I agree but some of the stuff is pretty bad. SS9 and SS7 have seen her try to kill herself my ss4 was just a baby so he doesnt remember any of this but the stuff they did see was very traumatic. My ss9 is under the impression she left them which is true to a certain extent. She was never a great mother and she would go on like mini vacations with dropping of the boys for "visits" and just not coming back. The real reason she wasnt around was when she was pregnant with ss3 she was into heavy drug use which caused him to be born premature with him high. So the boys were not allowed to see her because she was in jail and not allowed to see them. I dont want to throw her mistakes in the air with the kids because I dont want them to really know that much about the world yet. I am stuck between and rock and a hard place because I dont like her but I want this stupid drama to stop.
Most of us are right there
Most of us are right there with you, between that rock and hard place. We live there. They are still pretty young to explain a lot of that to them. But it will come. They will know who took care of them when they needed it the most. Sounds like she has a lot of issues to sort out. Sometimes it is just easier for me to let BM live in her dilusional world of "I am the BEST mom ever" knowing that SS knows who the reliable ones are, and who he can trust and count on.
I honestly have no idea how
I honestly have no idea how she found me but I have made everything private since so now even if she were to check it she cant see anything unless you are my friend. I have never met her and as far as I know we have no friends in common.
That was exactly what I am
That was exactly what I am afraid of. I am scared she will start twisting everything and being all up on me as if I am taking her maternal rights away. All I did was be a mom when she didnt want to. Is there any solution to this or is it just up to her how crazy she wants to get. I love the boys. They are great and even with this crazy beginning they are good kids. I just hope she doesnt ruin them and thats what I am afraid of.
Kids are smart... watch, they
Kids are smart... watch, they will surprize you. Kids WANT stability (most of the time). They want dependable, honest and trustworthy parents. Just continue to be that for them, and they will be just fine.
Thats what I think I am going
Thats what I think I am going to do. Just try and the be the best step parent and turn the other cheek. I am confused on what I should tell the older ss's and what I should keep from them. Should I have a family meeting and see how they are doing with the visits. I dont want them to feel the tension and come to their own conclusions I want them to know they can talk to me. I just want communication in our house to be open.
Don't do what I did! I tried
Don't do what I did! I tried to reason with the BM that we all need to work as a team, and form at least a civil relationship to coparent the SK, and that it is best for them, but there truely is NO rationalizing with the unrational!! I tried and my email was respectful, yet assertive, and she still managed to see nothing but negative! no point, if she EVER decides to put her kids best interest before her own feelings, than she can come to me,,,, all I can do is be the best SM from this house that I can be, and leave what happens at her house to her, which is ashame for the kids because they deal with daily feelings of guilt, when they enjoy time with us
I agree w/the general opinion
I agree w/the general opinion here-- do NOT reach out! It's a noble gesture on your part to want to do that, but you're not going to be met with the reasonable response you wish for.
I have a terrific co-parenting relationship w/not just the BioDad of my daughters, but also his soon-to-be-wife! On the other hand, I can barely manage to be civil about my boyfriend's kids' BM, but only because time after time, she is rude and disrespectful to me. In other words, yes it CAN happen, but you have to look at whether or not the BM in question has what it takes.
YEP... it only works if the
YEP... it only works if the BM is willing.
is willing, doesn't think you
is willing, doesn't think you stole her husband, hasn't already traumatized her children, isn't still trying to play manipulative games, etc. etc. etc.
Well... Bm thinks I stole my
Well... Bm thinks I stole my DH... but she cares more about her kid than revenge. Took 7 years to get there though.
Don't do it!!!! I was in the
Don't do it!!!! I was in the same situation. They separated a year before I even started dating SO she lived with her new boyfriend and was pregnant and for some reason in her head I caused there marriage to fail. I tried to be civil with her you know the usual if you ever need anything let me know crap.....it back fired! she is just a nasty bitter person. Dont get involved just continue to be supportive to your SO and the boys
Are you all serious? It's
Are you all serious? It's not just me?? My SO tells me that BM "has it in her head" that he and I were together before they split up. Granted, we DID meet less than 2 weeks AFTER he moved out... but I live a zillion miles away, how does she think he managed to have an affair w/me?!?!?
I would like to shake her. Actually, I would also like to shake him, b/c he actually used this as one of his excuses for her extremely rude behavior towards me...
Yup that is the general
Yup that is the general opinion. So should I just ignore the manipulation that I see taking place and get them to a counselor? I think that is best just to make sure they can talk to someone who isnt biased or someone they can tell everything to and not afraid to hurt their feelings. I think my ss's keep things she says from me because they know it will hurt my feelings. I take raising them very seriously and I know they know that.
Counseling wouldn't hurt.
Counseling wouldn't hurt. That's for sure!
I agree with the ladies you
I agree with the ladies you can't reason with crazy, so dont even bother trying, as sure as eggs she will use that or something you say - no matter how innocent you intend it - as means use and wield against you unfortunately!
Definately block all means of her seeing you on fb and perhaps your SO can have a chat with the boys regarding the interrogation tactics BM is implementing to glean information about you, your home life. I think counselling is a great idea for the boys, as that will give them an outlet in this difficult situation, may very well help them when it comes to managing anything traumatic they can recall that happened with their mother when they were younger.
Equally though, and while I wouldnt normally endorse involving children in adult discussions, I do think its important your SO puts them straight if BM is planting things into their heads. For years, my BM would say poisonous things to my ss regardless how young he was and obviously we would try and shield him by not correcting what BM was saying, as we didnt think it was appropriate for him to be involved in any tension. All that did was ensure ss remained very confused, he would blame me usually for these things (he didnt have to say it was quite clear from his behaviour with me) because he didnt hear our side, in an age appropriate manner ofcourse. Eventually DH relented to my pleadings that we were being placed in an untenable situation and one where we needed to correct the things BM were saying e.g. that we didnt want him, I didnt like him, I wasnt his mother and he didnt need to listen to me...the usual.
I think its important to reassure the child(ren) and correct anything untrue BM is saying - as its important in guiding them in life and to ensure they are respectful to people. Obviously you have to be careful in how and what you say, but with some thought your SO can lead on any conversations with the boys and believe you me its in their best interests, along with their future relationship with you and their father.
I think it could be helpful too, to keep a note as to dates/times and details of any issues and occasions BM is causing problems with PAS - in the event of any further court action!
Thats what I am thinking. My
Thats what I am thinking. My SO doesnt like it but I am not saying the boys have something wrong with them I am saying they should talk to someone who can help through this troubling time.
I completely agree. I want my
I completely agree. I want my SO and all of us to have a family meeting regarding her calling and texting that she said she supposedly did and didnt. I thought I was doing the right thing by not correcting her because I didnt want to call her a liar but this is a lie. She has never called once to talk to them! I am so angry with her because I just dont see how she can lie like this to her small children.
nope - she'll NEVERRRRRRRRR
nope - she'll NEVERRRRRRRRR see it your way and she doesn't want to. Her manipulative ways will shine through when these kids are older and the questions they WILL ask her that being with "mommy, how come...." will be your best revenge. SHE will have to answer those hard questions & that will be justice enough for all.
That is what I am hoping
That is what I am hoping
I love how you said
I love how you said everything ripley. We had a family meeting and showed them the display screen and we let them know they can use the house phone to call her whenever they want to talk to her. They said no and that they knew she was lying....makes me sad she is soooo crazy
I cannot agree more with the
I cannot agree more with the good SO. Mine is trying and thats all I can ask for.
Do you have a landline? If
Do you have a landline? If so, tell BM if she wants to talk to the kids, she has to call the landline. this way she can't tell the kids that dad won't let her talk to them.
She sounds like someone that
She sounds like someone that is very jealous of you not only because of your relationship with her ex but also her children. Because of this I would take precaution in knowing that she just might makeyour life worse after a letter. Maybe and this is just a thought but have SO talk with her and see about the 3 of you or maybe even a medator can sit down at work things out so that she doesn't feel threaten and maybe she'll see that you're only trying to help not take her children or her place in their lives. Even though it sounds like they would be better off.
thanks bscs1214. I am really