Guilt
I had it out with the ex about a month ago. It felt good at the time but now I am left with this guilt.
Some background info....I have been with my husband for over three years, we have a son and a Sd from his marriage. We went through the court crap last year. It was nasty. She tried saying Dh is a bad father, tried getting money from me, gets lots of child supprt and spousal support. On lavalife she claims she is financially secure, thanks to dh. It was an ugly time. We got through it and I believe rised above it. But I have never liked her or have forgiven her but went along with the game. I have never trusted her either (she slept with her best friend, of 30 years, husband). So over the last year or so we have played nicey-nicey. Attending events together for the SD. Acting like we all get along liek one big happy family. I've been acting.
She and her mother have a hard time accepting that SD refers to me as step mom. So during a drop off they say it is inapporiate for Sd to say this. They know she loves me and that I am good to her. I have been quiet, nice, respectful up until this point. well dont' I lose it on both of them. They are totally shocked. Her mom leaves crying. the ex and I get into it. And I don't hold back. I say everything that I have wanted to over the past 3 years. Only thing is I say some awful things.....like I haven't met a single person in three years who likes her....she is insensitive, self centered and it goes on and on. In the end she leaves crying. can't believe I feel this way. Did say I was a good actress.
Problem now...I feel guilty. I went to see therapist for all the anger and dislike I have for her. He suggested I write a letter to her apologizing..be the bigger person. She is a control freak and has controlled the situation since long before I let her. My husband has let her since he has been trying to get 50% custody (in court in one year). I however, feel that a letter or an apology will give her back the power. I know I was out of line with the remarks that I made but does she need to know that? She now knows that I am not a little mouse who she can walk all over (like she thought).
Am I wrong for not wanting to write the letter? And how do I get rid of the guilt. I do know that the anxiety that I felt every time I had to see her is now gone. Any suggestions?
You are ok...
I can tell you that I seriously was in your situation. And the end result was we made true friends after I finally had enough and spoke my peace.. It made you feel better and probably gave you relief. Her mom and her yes were in shock, because someone finally stood up to them. And they cried because you know what you probably spoke nothing but the truth. You sat back for 3 years, that is long enough for any of us to blow.. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty for. I would say calling her and apologizing is enough. She deserves no letter no matter what a therapist says. You finally got all your anger out.. I feel you did nothing wrong. The father of my kids, his 1st ex was the same way, didn't want him but didn't want anyone else to have him and I was a saint as long as she could control me and a saint as long as in the winter months I watched there son so he did not have to go milk cows at like 5 am. I mean this went on the only exception I did not let it go on so long I did my blow within like a year 1/2.. So be proud of yourself. If the mother and grandma would act there age and grow up I am sure things could be different.. And I am sorry her character was ruined when she slept with her best friend of 30 years husband.. So that right there says alot about her character.. Stop feeling guilty and smile, drink a cup of coffee and go on about your day.. I say GOOD FOR YOU..
guilt
Thanks for your response. Funny I know her character and who she is and maybe she has changed since then ...I haven't seen it but maybe, but when she said I was a dishonest person because I have acted friendly towards her for the last three years I took that personally. I know why I acted that way...for my DH and SD and I told her that. But it is like I am the bad guy now. She even called the daycare where our kids go and told them I can't pick the SD up any more. Dh fixed that. I hate feeling guilty and feeling like I have done sonething wrong. She said she doesn't feel the same way about me and i said "I've never done anything so hurtful to anyone you love"
When you gave your apology to you dh ex how was it recieved? I feel the same...she likes me or my husband until we stand up to her and then all hell breaks lose with her. Are you really friends today? I just keep thinking that that is impossible. I don't like who she is as a woman ( In our arguement she said she could never be friends with me and it took everything in my from saying "that's because you've already slept with my husband"...cooler minds prevailed). She is morally bankrupt, she is always after the big $ and refuses to give a great father 50% custody (I think because she is a control freak and wants $)
I am not sure why I feel guilty. Guess I just hate to hurt peoples feelings but i just couldn't take it anymore. truth is she never really has done anything bad to me but the hurt she has caused my husband (who is actually thankful she had the affair because he has a better life now and he was trying to find a way out and he says he had stop listening and giving to her for a long time and that is probably why she had the affair...really picked the wrong guy though..best friends husband) I know that she will be around for a long time SD is just 5 so I just want to deal with the situation in the most dignified way without me feeling like crap everytime I see her.
Oh let me tell you..
First when i finally had enough of her crap. She called the barn and I answered the phone. She was snotty which made me even madder but she insisted on talking to ex. (again at time we were married) anyways I proceeded to tell her he was not there and he was he was listening and watching. So she started in on me telling me I had no right to say anything when it pertained to there son. I then just started in, and let me tell you that woman could not get a single word in. i called her everything under the sun. needless to say she had all her crap at our house and she told me that was her house first, woo-hoo, she ended up driving to our house that evening with a friend of hers got into it in the yard with my now ex- telling him I was jealous of her, meanwhile I am throwing furniture everything out the door.. I was like 100# she was pushing 250#, so when my ex came in and told me I was jealous of course I just yelled and told him loud enough for her to hear that why would i be jealous of her she is fat and fake.. and not to mention a bitch.. Well after that she would call the house and we were CIVIL... I mean she wrote letters saying her son was not allowed at my families house because they were not his relation. When we got married she mailed a 6 pae letter about how i was not to write CS checks. I mean it was crazy. For me the last straw was when I got pregnant with our 1st child and she called to yell at me that I did not ask there 6 year old son if it was ok that we have a baby.. Because you know it was her business totally (not). We had words for 2 days and I won the battle I would not back down and take any more shit from her. She was the ex for a reason and I was done. About 3 months later we were all eating dinner at restaurants together and all that. Things were great after that. And we still see each other today and talk.. We get a long just fine. My ex SS is wonderful and we still talk and everything to this day. SO it does work out.
Trust me if my husband today would let me have words with his ex things would be alot different for sure. But he would get angry and for that reason alone I will not call her. However I am here to say that if she ever pushed me personally or my kids that would be different. For now I will let him but when or if I need to trust me I would love to tell her to get a life and stay out of ours.. Because I am just that way.
I too do not like it when I hurt people or people do not like me but that only goes so far.. And then I am pist...
So I think that you will be ok.. Don't let it bother you. She is upset that she lost her control she had over you and your husband.. And she does not like it. Seriously do you really care if she likes you? The SD in this situation is all that matters..
Don't beat yourself up about it.. You stood up for you and your husband.. Its ok..
She will get over it and if she doesn't then owell.. for her.
Put on that smile now and go outside and breath clean fresh air.. Fell good about what you did..
Thanks...you are right...SD
Thanks...you are right...SD is all that matters in this situation and we have a good relationship and she was a wonderful relationship with her new brother, our son. I don't care if she likes me but I just hate the drama and want to not feel anxiety and guilt. You said the same thing the therapist said...stop beating myself over this. Maybe time heals as it did in your situation. I know I feel less guilty today than I did a month ago. My husband he doesn't care at all. He tolerates her for his daugthers sake. He says if I feel better telling her off it has nothing to do with him. Only thing is she makes him suffer for it.
I hope I will feel good about what I did. Just not use to behaving like that. First woman to woman real fight I've had. It is funny how the ex's can drive us to places we have never been.
I agree with Happy...
I agree with Happy. I wouldn't write an apology letter.
They both know now that YOU WILL SPEAK UP! I don't think that is a bad thing...stop feeling guilty.
What exactly do you feel
What exactly do you feel guilty about? Not so much what you said..but maybe the way you said it. If it will appease YOUR guilt and make YOU feel better .. and not because you have to.. you can alway appologise for HOW you said things. It's a comprimise..but more importantly it will make YOU FEEL BETTER...? It's really up to you...if you don't want to don't...but if it's to your benefit in the long run..why not?
I think you are right...the
I think you are right...the way I delivered the message was out of anger and I got very mad at both of them. I felt insulted that after all I do for SD they refuse to recognize that. And they probably never will ..so I should just get over that one. But i feel like I said things that were persoanl attacks...like no one likes her, I made reference to the affair and what kind of person does such things to her best friend. i should have stuck maybe to the issue at hand. Or maybe i am mad at myself for being quiet for three long years and letting it out in the manner that I did. And then there is the fact that my dh has been building a relationship with her since court last year so that he can get 50% custody and now he has to start rebuilding . that maybe she will use this against him next year when we go back to court...you know cooperation must be shown. I keep justifying my reaction and actions to myself but i still come up with feeling guilty.
Little by little
I think if we can learn to stand up for ourselves on a regular basis, establish and maintain boundaries, then maybe we won't feel the need to explode. We try as hard as we can to be nice and civil, when what we really need to do sometimes is to set the record straight or push back a little. When we don't, it eats away at our self-esteem. We don't feel strong and consequently our self-respect suffers. We can only fake it for so long...then there SHE BLOWS!
My DH told me something early in our relationship and it makes me feel better if I "lose it" a little. I was apologizing to him one day for going off about the EX/SK situation and I said I'm sorry I overreacted. He said, "Babe, you didn't overreact. You reacted and it's over." I LOVE THAT! So you reacted and IT"S OVER!
goldenlife
Give your husband a peck on the cheek for me...I LOVE that saying!
Make a GREAT Day!
Tyra, I just read your
Tyra, I just read your initial message and I have to say that this very thing happened to me. It was about 2 years for me before I let it explode and just like you I could not believe some of the things that I said. I sat back and was the nice person that never cared how she acted or how much control she demanded. I did not want to cause any conflict, but there came the day that I just let go and could not take it anymore. She was totally in shock as well, she wanted to control my husband and our house and could not believe that someone was actually about ready to stop her. She is the kind of person that thinks she is never at fault, it is always that we did not hear her, we did not listen, we did not get approval, we are just not good enough. I too felt so guilty days after this happened, even though it felt so good at the time. I called her up a couple of days later and told her that I was very sorry, I needed to do this not for her, but for me. I was so out of line and so out of character to talk to her that way, to even say some of the hurtful things that I said out of anger. It does not matter what she said or did to me, I did not have the right to react in that hateful way period. I apologized for my reactions, not really for what I said, but for the way that I said it. She needed to know that I would stand up for my family and my home and that I was willing to protect what was mine, but that I was able to accept the wrong that I did to her and be the better person.
You ask me now "how did she respond", not like I had expected her to.
She is a very unforgiving person and really played up the fact that she was very hurt and does not think that she will ever get over it.
To this day, her and I still struggle with our "relationship". We have had words a couple of times in the years to follow and I am here on this website now because I am still searching for a way to
reach out to her.
Tyra, I have to tell you that I have always apologized to her for things that I have said that may have been hurtful to her. Even though she is very sensitive and gets hurt easily, I always find it
in myself to be the better person -that is who I am. I have always felt better and the guilt has always gone away immediately when I step up and take responsibility for my own action. Even though I get the same result every time, I feel better with me!!! There are many things that certainly needed to be said and I do not have to apologize for that, but I do have to apologize for saying something to hurt her in the heat of the moment. She can say hurtful things too, but she has to live with who she chooses to be at the end of the day.
Choose yourself, and be yourself. If you make a mistake, own up to it and move on. I think that you will feel better if you do.
Thank you Melody. I know
Thank you Melody. I know that I was out of line with what I said and I acted way out of character. It has been well over a month since this has happened and I still have it hanging over me. Maybe you are right I just need to own it. I behaved poorly and I know it so I need to step up to the plate and apologize for it. I am just so afraid of her thinking she has the power again. I want her to know like you did that I will protect my family. That I am not a weak individual that can be pushed around. Maybe that is my fault that she sees me as that way. I have been so quiet for too long and I have let her demand of us. I guess I won't know how I will feel until I do what I know is the right thing. I just have to let go of my pride and be myself.
Let me know how it goes
Tyra, keep us posted on how it goes. I wish you the best and I think you will at least feel better about yourself. I know the feeling of "giving the control back to her", so be careful in the
words and the reasons that you are apologizing. Make sure she knows that you are not sorry for some of the things that were said, but that you are sorry for the way you said them and for the things that were hurtful. (if any) She does need to know that you are not weak and that you will stand up to her, but that you are able to admit the wrong that you did as well - it says alot about you as a person!!
You seem genuin and honest - just hurting a little right now...
the bigger person??
HI Melody
It is funny soemtimes I feel like I need to be the bigger person because I am the bigger person but then the ex goes ahead and does something and I just feel so much dislike for her. She posted pictures of herslf and her daugther on a internet dating site along side other pics of her in her underwear. I think to myself that I can't apologize because maybe I was the only one to tell her just who she really is.
You are right I am honest and genuine and hold myself to high standards. I know I have no right to expect others to do the same. Therapist tells me so but how can i look at her and apologize after this? Who will protect my SD if my dh and I don't.
This will never be easy will it? I just want peace and happiness in my life and I can't seem to get rid of these feelings for her.
Wow, this is huge!!! I am
Wow, this is huge!!! I am shocked by what you have discovered. I am sorry, this has got to be very hard for you and your husband. Well, there is much being said about her and the kind of person that she is to have put herself in this type of situation, more less the situation her daughter is now in.
Look at it this way, sometimes our guilt will go away thanks to the unbelievable things that the ex can do with her life. I am sure you are not feeling so bad any more and I would not either.
You have a whole new set of issues that need to be dealt with now. I do not even know what to say in this case, but that I know you and your husband have some sorting out to do with this one.
I keep you in my thoughts on this....
Thanks. We too realize that
Thanks. We too realize that their is much more to deal with now. We will be contacting our lawyer to see what we can do. It is a scary world out there and to think that someones own mother could be so irresponsible is amazing to me.
You are right somehow the ex's do some crazy things. I feel like I spoke the truth....maybe not in the fashion I would normally, but sometimes they need to hear in that manner to really understand it(if she did or not who knows)
Thank you once again for your support. Dealing with ex is sometimes so emotional. My father in law asked he last evening did I know what I was getting myself into and to be honest I thought I was so wise to this stuff but I am learning I know nothing.