You are here

Disengaged

Debz71's picture

Submitted by Debz71 on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 2:17am

Forums: 
General Discussion

I feel like I need to disengaged from my SD8 - I have tried to be there for her and give her a ton of attention, love etc but it is never enough she always needs more.
She is totally dysfunctional within the family unit and I am done! after years of pain and frustration - my DH has said he has not been parenting her and has been currently letting her do as she pleases due to parenting through guilt. ( I have been saying this since she was three)

Until things improve and is respectful, not so needy that it is beyond normal, and acts her age, she currently talks in a baby voice and acts like a child of three- I need to disengaged for my own sanity.

How have people done this and does it give you some peace, normality etc.

I wrote on Stepparents rights (Taking Control) due to the replies I am looking at other ways to get some space

Debz71's picture

Submitted by Debz71 on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 7:23am

Thank you Smile .... I sort of already doing some of that subconsciously, I guess I have stopped caring like I used to. I have to rty this and since being on here I am realising so much of this is due to my DH and his guilt!

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 8:05am

she currently talks in a baby voice and acts like a child of three

I feel that kids sometimes do this because they feel like they were given more attention, thus more loved, when they were little.

My ten year old niece occasionally does it and she is pretty mature for her age. My husband and I tell her, yes, you were adorable when you were three but we love you just as much now that you are ten and can actually converse with us. We tell her she is very smart and funny and fun to be around, which she is (part of the problem is how bad her brother treats her).

my DH has said he has not been parenting her and has been currently letting her do as she pleases due to parenting through guilt.

Believe it or not, children want to be parented. It is part of what makes them feel cared for.

Debz71's picture

Submitted by Debz71 on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 8:48am

We do keep trying to correct the baby behaviour but me and my DH have 23 month old boy who is with us all the time and her BM has a three year old with the dad living with them as a full time family unit - so i can see why she does it, but when we were out over xmas at a friends house- my friends husband had my young son sat on his knee and was making a fuss of him. After this my SD who is 8 spent the duration climbing on him, trying to jump on his back, and plonking herself on his lap and also trying to lay on my DH when he was talking with other adults. This is surely baby behaviour at the extreme....

I agree children want to be parented - I have been strict with my eldest 14yrs and although he does not see his BF he does not have all the same issues as my SD and never did.

Debz71's picture

Submitted by Debz71 on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 10:57am

Thanks we will try it - we do give her one to one and i try to involve her with the things I am doing and praise her for helping etc - but as soon as the baby gets attention she reverts back. Guess we need to find the right balance between discipline and healthy attention.

Her BM had her second daughter very soon after she split from my DH - she lost her dad, a new dad moved in and there was a new half sibling all within a 11 months of her father leaving. We waited but I think she liked the fact that when she came to us at first we didn't live together for a few years, so she did still get daddy to herself, but even when I was there she was still the baby as my son is six years older then her.

Guess knowing the why's helps but its just getting it to a normal place - she would be happier also if everything was just a lot more normal.

Can I ask though - do you think some children/personalities just like to be the centre of attention regardless of their upbringing?