To be clear disengaging doesn’t mean that you complete withdraw and ignore a person. Could that be what you are doing to SD? I understand that it is hard to find the right balance but if you are just pretending that she doesn’t exist I could see why it is effecting your relationship. Small talk is ok when disengaging, ignoring is not. Not saying that you have to be buddy buddy with her but small talk is necessary to make a home function and there has to be a level of respect from you to her.

It was hard for me to find the balance when I started. I no longer do cleaning, laundry, bath times, homework, car pool, ect when it is for the girls unless I make the choice to, but I do talk to them, and show them that I do still care. My FDH was upset at first but now (when zombie fish don’t eat his brain) we are closer and are relationship is a lot stronger.

I felt like that was happening when I first disengaged, too. But really, think about what drove you to disengage from skids. There was a lot of hurt behind that decision, and much of the blame lies with your DH and his parenting technique. It makes sense that there will be some resentment towards him, but that will pass when he begins to pick up the slack that you've given him.

Yes this has happened to me. I think the answer is couples counseling because there has to be a conscious decision by both parties to restore the respect in the marriage. Someone with adult skids who would appear to have a strong alliance with her DH but be fully disengaged from the offspring is hypovic, maybe do a search on her posts and see if she has anything helpful to add?

Yes. In certain areas.

I have disengaged from trying to enforce any rules with the skids - therefore I also disengaged in trying to get DH to enforce rules or follow up with punishments he said he would put in place - basically I don't even attempt asking DH if he is going to do anything - I have dropped it all - for the skids and DH included. They don't listen, he doesn't want to parent - I have disengaged from it ALL.

Same for schoolwork. I leave it to DH. When DH gets home and asks - did the skids do their homework? I simply say, I don't know - you will have to ask them, I assume so as nobody asked me any questions. The answer is no, they didn't - but why not let DH ask them himself which he will 50% of the time, the other 50% of the time the topic of homework is dropped after I tell him to ask them.

So yes - the disengagement extends from the skids to DH in certain areas for me.

Since I am disengaged from SS6 a lot, completely really, if SS6 is hanging all over DH, I often leave the room and go elsewhere - so I guess this too is a way of me disengaing. If DH is going to shine 110% of attention on SS6 and nobody else, allow SS6 to constantly interrupt conversations and control things, I leave and do my own thing - DH can do it on his own, which he soon tires of. Often if SS6 interrupts (he has been corrected 1 million times) I stop talking or if it was DH talking, I go do something else - I do not complete the conversation. DH has started trying to correct this.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you all are reflecting Daddy's unhappyness at being thrown into the pit all alone. All of a sudden these guys are having to act like both Mother and Father and I don't have to tell you being a Mother is a heck of a lot of work. Have you spoken with Daddy so he understand why and what you're doing and more importantly so he understands you're there to support him behind the scenes 100%? If you just suddenly started doing this he may be hurt and confused.

Its certainly OK to ignore a 15yo who is ignoring you and specifically asked that you do so. However you are the adult and simple "Hi" when she first arrives is not out of order. Make it clear by word and mostly action that you're open to being friendly while at the same time ready to accept the requested deep freeze treatment.

As I said on another Thread its only a few years until she's out one way or the other so just go with her flow and stay out of it. Marriage counseling may be the ticket here so both of you can better understand each other. You will be amazed what insight a good counseler can give and it should not take more than two months.

Daddy is unhappy with this turn of events and you've reacted to his reaction. Continue to disengage as the alternative has already proven to be toxic. None of you have described a situation which cannot be handled especially with professional help.