You are here

Guilt over divorce.

serious's picture

Submitted by serious on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 12:54pm

8 years ago, my husband and I started a relationship and got married after knowing each other since we were 10 years old. We were both married to others and had one child each. My husband can not get over the guilt. His ex won't let him forget and she has not moved on or even dated. She controls the time that he can see his kid and if he argues, she'll make it difficult for him to see her. His child is great and loves me. My kid loves all of us but my husband can hardly function anymore because of the guilt. Does anyone know what to do. When we rekindled our relationship 8 yrs ago, they were separated but not yet divorced and she has no family except the child and my husband. He says he only loves her like a sister and she'll always be around which I believe. I also divorced and feel guilty that my first family is not intact. 11 yrs ago. I think we're killing each other with our guilt.

Comments

WowjustWow's picture

Submitted by WowjustWow on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 3:34pm

Is it that he feels bad that his first marriage didn't work? It sounds like she was already out the door and this wasn't an adultery situation, so she has no right to make him feel bad.

Honestly, a little therapy might go a long way in this case. Or do you all have a preacher/religious figure to speak with. It might help him hear from someone outside the situation that he isn't a bad person.

~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.

KittyKat's picture

Submitted by KittyKat on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 4:12pm

Wow, that's a LONG TIME to still be so rooted in a "past" relationship. NOW is the time for YOU and HE to be happy, not dwelling on what "was" or, in this case, what "wasn't"

Therapy sounds like a very good choice. It sounds like there is more than just a failed marriage that has your H feeling "guilty"....maybe something unresolved from long before he was even married?

And, what IS IT what these BMs who refuse to "move on" and just hang onto a past long-over (right, Ema??? Geez!!) What a waste of YEARS of your LIFE. Sure, everyone grieves the loss of a relationship, but at some time you HAVE TO MOVE ON. Life is so short...who wants to be on their death bed knowing they "wasted" decades of their life pining away for someone who no longer wants them??? Move on to someone who DOES!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Angel's picture

Submitted by Angel on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 4:26pm

for he will either hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other.

Your husband needs some serious individual counseling. I would also suggest a good counselor for yourself sweetie. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 05/08/2009 - 5:19pm

You were both either separated or divorced when you began your romantic involvement.

To me this a pretty simple problem to solve. It is a choice. You are choosing to give the X's control over your current happiness.

Choose not to!

I am a firm believer in the "Do Over". When you make a mistake, learn from it, and take a Do Over. Your relationship with your DH is your Do Over and his marriage to you is his Do Over.

I am on my Do Over marriage myself. It is incredible. Neither of us allow the XW (for me) and the XSD (X Sperm Donor) for my wife to interfere with our relationship. Though my Wife will occasionally let SpermDad and SpermGrandMa manipulate her a bit.

Learn from you mistakes, forgive yourselves and take a Do Over.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,