Why am I always the bad guy here? (long, sorry)
SS14 has been living with FH, DD11 and myself for the last 4 years. He CHOSE to live with us when FH and I met. I moved across country giving up my job, family and friends to be with FH and start a new life.
Every school holiday (we have 4 a year) we ensure that SS14 gets to spend it with his BM. We pay to get him there and to bring him back. The BM is useless and doesn't contribute a cent to his care. (She has custody). While he is there, we get almost daily complaints about how he talks back to her, he doesn't want to bath, he is ungrateful etc etc. BM can't deal with him when he is there showing that she is not a mother's ar*e! Then every time we fetch him, he cries on the way home. He really wants to be with her, but she cannot (or won't)have him....up until this Christmas holiday.
This holiday was hell for FH & myself, as it was "on again, off again" the whole time. One day BM would phone and say SS14 is going to live with her now ...then FH would be upset and depressed. Two days later she would phone and say that SS14 would return to us and FH would be relieved and over the moon. It was hell!
Now I have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and SS14 & I don't get along, especially these last 2 years as he has entered the teenager years. He is passive agressive with me and destroys my things and lies about everything. I disengaged and forced FH to parent him. Problem is that FH has little time to do this. The last few weeks last year before SS14 went to his BM was really awful. I just totally ignored this child, but still fed him, fetched him from school and looked after his physical needs. But just couldn't stand to be in the same room with him.
I have lately been tasked with trying to find SS14 a school in the province where the BM lives, as he has finally decided to live with her. BM is just too useless to do the research herself. A rich uncle has agreed to pay for his schooling. Problem is that SS14 is so behind in his schooling, that he needs to be in a special school for kids with learning disabilities. There is only one in their area and they have been closed and re-open on Monday. BM says that if we can't get him enrolled there, he must come back to us and continue in the remedial home school that we have him in. SS14 will be crushed if this happens. Yesterday FH informs me that SS14 will be coming back to us on 17th January.
Today FH and I have had strained vibes between us, as he now realises that I would prefer SS14 to stay with his BM, as i have to be in theraphy and medication in order to cope with the situation. I have always been prepared to try to cope with the situation because I love him so much, but I have insisted that FH step up and parent his child. FH promised me (after SS14 left for the holidays) that he would 1)be more present at home in 2011 2)put SS14 into therapy and 3)help SS14 with his schooling and general morals and "whats right & wrong" education (which has been seriously lacking). So FH had a gig between 11am and 3pm today and he started SMSÃng me. The conversation went like this:
FH: I am going to try with the kids and spend more time with them
ME: Thank you for being prepared to try. Love u
FH: Sometimes I don't think you should (love me)as it causes more heartache for you
ME: Not being able to love u would cause more heartache than i ever could endure...not an option, sorry
FH: To be loved by you is very special because there are no hidden agenda's
ME: we want the same thing then...I am just not strong enough emotionally for this kid-crap so I am going to have high expectations from you to step in and actually help me this year with them especially SS14 or I will have to spend as little time as possible at home doing community or charity work, to avoid the upsets and that is not fair to any of you. So the ball is in your court. Sorry it has come to this, but last year was hell for me. I don't always want us to talk about giving up but to put things in place to try and make it work. Are we on the same page?
FH: I guess the page is written then
ME: sounds like you have issues with the page
FH: not at all, but it's an ultimatum...
ME: yes well I suppose it is...sorry but I also deserve to be happy and I have been sucking it up for years now. I am at breaking point now. I am not responsible for problems that were created before my time so why should I have to deal with them (ALONE)now? And your ex gets to be the lady with no responsibilities (and no irritations in her life). But I love you so much that I feel that I have tried to take the pressure off you but I am not strong enough to handle it on my own anymore. So you need to help me cope so that when this is all over, we can still be together, and just as in love as we are today.
FH: U right I can't argue the fact.
ME: Don't want to argue with u..that's never my intention. Just trying to be honest with you. But that's not always easy because u get childish with me instead of trying to find a way to deal with it. Neither of us want to part...we've worked too hard to be together as I am sure you will agree...
FH: I agree
ME: I know my kids are not perfect but I have always given 100% of myself to them emotionally and in support and love. I feel for your kids that this has been lacking in their lives..but I cannot right what was wronged for them. I care about them and will do what I can to provide a stable home for them. But I can't deal with the passive agression that SS14 has here at home and he needs help with that. There will be rules this year and there will be consequences..I am done with the messiness, stealing, destroying, laziness etc. Sorry that's how I feel - I am a sick woman and live with a lot of pain and discomfort every day of my life.
FH: I love u and will stand by you
ME: thank you. love u too
But when he gets home, he starts arguing about my 'ultimatum' and says he is sure that I am going to leave him.
Problem is that FH never acknowledged the problems I had with SS14 last year and kept covering up for him and made me to be the problem (even in front of SS14) declaring me to be a clean-freak, an 'inspector' and 'just a woman!' all in fron t of SS14.
I am dreading this year and I only hope that FH sees his promises to me, through.
That felt good to get it out...
MG
You are getting push back
You are getting push back after standing up for yourself with perfectly reasonable requests--that FH parent his child and stop his destructive behavior. The ultimatum talk is just to get you to feel bad and back down. Why should parenting someone else's child make YOU sick? You are being codependent and enabling this. Don't cave in. Is there any way you can go to a counselor and lay this out with FH? I haven't been in this particular situation but my EX laid all financial responsibility on me and bullied me into continuing when I tried to change the situation. Escalating the discussion to "leaving me" is also another tactic to pressure you into remaining in status quo. Disconnect the emotional blackmail buttons (fear obligation guilt) that he is pushing right now. He's a certain way or he never would have laid all this on you anyway, namely lazy and lacking in parenting ability or confidence. Hold your ground--your health depends on it.
Oh, and in emotional abuse, you ARE always wrong. It's a tool for control. Sorry to be blunt but I've lived it.
Thanks for the constructive
Thanks for the constructive reply, LizzieA.
I see a psychiatrist every 6 weeks which started last year when I needed my meds changed. He knows all about my struggle with SS14 and is horrified that I have to deal with it. FH comes into the session at the end and this last time the doc told him that I am not able to deal with the issues surrounding SS14 and that he needs to help me. The doc put me onto an additional med which will help me cope (Zoloft). But why do I need to take meds in order to live with someone else's kid, you might say. Well I have lived with MDD most of my adult life since my 1st ex left me when I was 4 months pregnant. I don't handle conflict very well. I also go into severe depressions which dibilitate me.
I need to know how to disconnect the blackmail buttons without turning into a cold heartless b*tch.
To disconnect buttons: 1.
To disconnect buttons:
1. identify them--once you see that he is trying to make you feel guilty, game over. you'll never look at it the same again or respond in a knee-jerk way
2. get it clear in your head exactly how you want things to be--the behavior that is unacceptable from SS and how you need DH to respond to him, what your desired role is
3. believe that your requirements are valid, mature, normal and reasonable
4. state them clearly as needed
5. repeat them when buttons are pushed, then discontinue conversation, i.e. don't be drawn into argument about the validity of your desires
That is NOT bitchy. Setting boundaries is the healthiest thing you can do and it will HELP DH and SS in the long run. Allowing SS to be a jerk will not benefit anyone. Neither will letting DH off the parenting hook.
Also, re: ultimatums, you can say it this way, "If you continue to raise SS this way, I do not choose to be in a relationship with you." You are not telling him to change, you are telling him what the deal breaker is for you.
Good luck. We are behind you!!! A good book is Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
that was awesome, lizzie.
that was awesome, lizzie.
magoose, i was hoping things have gotten better for you, and its unfortunate that they have not. hopefully, by setting boundaries, your dh will step up and start parenting his child.
just remember that you are stronger than you realize. ((hugs))
Thanks, ladies...glad my
Thanks, ladies...glad my hard-won experience can help someone else...
HS, your advice really made
HS, your advice really made me think especially the last couple of lines. I will try this but right now he is sulking and I really don't care to re-hash and re-hash the same words that I have been saying all the time. It all boils down to parenting and I am tired of parenting another couple's mess-up and still made to feel like the bad-guy.
Ahhhh,the age
Ahhhh,the age old,'deflection' tactic'-My DH sometimes tries to argue with the 'secondry' issue,instead of dealing with the one that i initially approached him about,it is most annoying,and sometimes,i feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall.From a personal perspective,i think it's used as a form of defence,and a way of pushing the problem back into 'your' lap,because DH,for whatever reason,feels uncomfortable with the fact that he has got to address the issues.I don't think i will ever be able to discuss the real issues with my DH about his adult kids,without him going into somekind of defense mode,so,nowdays,when he tries the 'deflection' tactic,or,goes back on everything we finally agreed to,i refuse to even engage him in any kind of conversation that revolves around him wanting to put the emphasis back on 'me',i continue to remind him of the initial issue,and how he should concentrate his energy and effort into that,...easier said than done though,i know,and i have to admitt,that when he has pushed and pushed and pushed me,we have ended up having serious words,....perhaps that is what they want,it's giving them more 'deflection',and taking the owness away from the issues,.....i hate to say it,but i have found my own DH is incredibly manipulative when it comes to these kind of tactics,so i try to stay one step ahead at all times,and expect him to have another 'silent' hissy fit should i need to discuss 'not so great' things with him,when it involves the behaviour of his adult kids towards me.I find it's almost like having to deal with a child,they know'exactly' what they are doing!
I forgot to mention in my
I forgot to mention in my original post what really made me mad yesterday was that FH & BM were comparing notes about SS14's behaviour and laughing...yes laughing! FH was saying 'oh yes MaGoose has the same problem with him hahaha' that's when it struck me that these 2 people have it sooo good with me parenting their stuff-up of a son!! I won't do it anymore..if BM throws SS14 back at us...FH WILL STEP UP and parent this child & it better be to my satisfaction or there will be world war 3 in this house!!!
Stick to your guns. Don't let
Stick to your guns. Don't let him bully you. This is HIS kid, not yours and it is not your job, simply because you married him. As others have posted, he is trying to get you to give in. Don't!
Sorry to hear that all of this is causing you such stress and pain. I truly hope that things will get better for you.
Thanks to everyone for your
Thanks to everyone for your kind words of support and advice. I very rarely post on this forum as I have been severly bashed in the past and then I creep back under my rock and go through sessions of self-blame, along with guilt and regret.
One thing that I do have going for me is that I am with my soul-mate who loves and cherishes me dearly. I know, I know, you may say well why is he treating you like this with his issue with his son. Well the answer to that is that he is torn..torn between his love for his son and his love for me. I hate that he is in that postition, but we both realise that when the kids have all left home, we will be alone and miserable if we give up what we have now. If I said to him that under no conditions can I live under the same roof with his son any longer, he would send the child to the BM in a heart-beat to save what we have. But I don't want to put him in that position because I know how badly he will hurt and he will (even though he will deny this) hold it against me. What chance does our relationship have then?
I just have to try to cope with this 'cross that I bear' and hope that FH will step up and be the parent that he needs to be and get this child right. In the interim, I will throw myself into other projects (my business, my dd11 & perhaps a Hospice course (I saw offered in the local paper today))
Today I am dealing with a very insecure FH who keeps asking me if I love him. It's not about love, it's about stepping up to his role and making life easier for me at home while he is out making the living for us.
Thanks again for the advice
MG
Sometimes all it takes is
Sometimes all it takes is waiting for a different time/mood and restatement of what you have already said for things to sink in.
The problems I have with my H when we argue is that he needs to focus on one specific instance whereas I am trying to talk about a broad issue (i.e., H's lack of trust in me).
I don't know what I can say that will help but when you have depression, you also need to keep in mind that things may seem worse than they actually are as a product of your chemical imbalance.