Don't answer the phone, send back the snail mail as "return to sender" (unopened! this is very important), let voicemail answer. Then, decide what battles you need to deal with. I bet you'll find that 95% of the messages left are just rants and can be ignored. Stick to only the important issues that pertain directly to the well being of your kids. Nothing else. And make those interactions short and sweet. Once BM sees that her tempertantrums aren't getting her anywhere, she'll eventually stop them. It may take awhile but, you have to be consistant in ignoring her negative behavior.

From what I read in your other post regarding your now ex-fiance's demands....all I can say is congratulations. I am sorry that you are hurting bur really...that you will get over. Embrace your children and be glad that you have them! Good luck.

I think she's expecting too much from you to ask you to blow your kids off. Hers seem to be as big of an issue in your relationship as yours are. If your children are young, there will have to be phone calls between you & your ex. There will have to be contact, but it doesn't have to be daily. You need to set boundaries with your ex. You can resolve some of your issues through court if need be. You need to have your ex in court for contempt as far as the visitation issues, & at that time you can resolve some of the other issues as well. Your girlfriend needs to take some responsiblity with her children too. SHE needs to set (& enforce) boundaries with them.

Really, with all that's going on, it sounds like it's probably best that the marriage wait until you both get a handle on what's yours. Both of you know what the life of the other consists of. Maybe she needs someone who doesn't have young children who really NEED their father in their lives. Maybe you need someone who is more willing & more patient...someone who WANTS to be around your children enough to make it worth it for everyone involved. Maybe the two of you, regardless of how long you've known each other, aren't made for marriage together.

Sorry for your heartache. Don't spend too much time looking at the door closing behind you, you might miss seeing the new door opening in front of you.

Document all of this for the future, you might need it one day. It honestly doesn't sound like this new woman you proposed to is ready or willing to deal with your baggage (not your fault) and your psycho ex. I honestly can't say that I blame her BUT if she really loves you she would go through hell or high water with you.

Pat - I am sorry that you are sad, but I truly believe - especially after reading the post about your fiancee's children attacking her - that you are better off right now.

One thing I would like to suggest is to see if you and your GF can possibly try to step back and take some of the emotion out of the situation.

For example... the letters from BM. Yeah, I get it. BM sends you snail mail and there is nothing about the kids in them. But really - in all reality - so what? You don't answer them. You don't respond to her in person. You ignore them. Let her write one a night... who cares? Is she begging you to come back? Does your fiancee feel threatened?

One of the issues I see between you / your GF and your ex is a lot of insecurity on all parts. Your GF seems insecure about her place in your world - therefore ANY issues with BM seem to be getting magnified. You seem insecure in that you were even willing to consider giving up time with your own kids to a woman who's grown children live with her. Your Ex is insecure in the fact that she is trying to hold on to some communication / control with you. It is only my opinion, but it seems like everyone in this relationship is acting out of a place of FEAR rather than a place of LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING. Sorry - but that's just what it seems like to me.

Counseling is definitely in order - for you, and if you can get your GF to go - for her. If she refuses to go, please take that as another red flag.

Please please do not let yourself be bullied into anything - by the GF or by the Ex.

Hugs...

I am confused Pat, your GF is asking if this means the marriage is off now but yet she is the one that gave back the ring? I don't get it. Sounds to me like she is VERY confused as to what she really wants from you/with you. It almost seems like she has set an ulitmatum that you either do what she says when it comes to your kids visitation or she will not marry you. Who in their right mind would want to marry someone like that anyway, spring chickens or not!

Sounds like she realized she made a mistake and is willing to work things out for the sake of your relationship, smart woman. Good luck Pat!!!!! Stick to your guns and visitation.

I understand your GF - I have been close to giving up many times coz of my husband's ex and her malicious lies/gossip about, not to mention brainwashing kids, spending her time with MY in-laws and her new bf and many other things I hate and that get to me every day. Now we're married and I've decided to live with it and ignore it. But it's difficult and many times I think if I'd known what awaited in the future I would've backed off. I love my husband more than anything but his ex is like a virus, a disease that won't ever leave. No wonder she's tired. What keeps me strong is that my hubby protects me from her and her negativity, he creates this barrier and deals with her alone, is cold and replies only when necessary and practical issues, nothing more. Completely ignores her for the rest. She hates this of course, it sounds like your ex just wants that: your attention and FOR YOU TO BE ALONE AND MISERABLE LIKE HER or back with her. Don't allow her. There must be a way of ignoring her better.. good luck