Fam member getting married, future SKIDS calling the shots
A family member of mine is getting married very soon. She's in her VERY early 40's. This would be her first marriage, his second. She never really had a BF since high school, so she lacks relationship experience. She's been with him for 2yrs as of today, and we (family) feels she rushed everything hoping he'd propose. Within 6mos she moved into his house, and she probably pushed for a ring. He has 2 bios (approx. 12 & 16). I believe they have 50/50 custody of the bios. Anyway, for the last 6mos I've heard she was trying to conceive (I feel she felt her clock ticking). No success. My BF mentioned maybe he got the ole snip-snip and never told her. So a week or so ago we were talking and she told me he asked his kids if they wanted a brother/sister and the kids said NO. With that she said her ship has sailed and maybe it's for the best :O .
So, his kids make the decision whether or not she has a baby? I'm sorry, that is NOT right (if that's the truth). We have a feeling she's footing the bill for the wedding, so she probably feels stuck already being out that money and just wanting to finally be married.
His background: 40ish, has a job, doesn't own a house (only rents), doesn't have a car (uses a company car), asked her to put HIS kids on her health ins (impossible, DUH, unless she legally adopts them). Asked she gets cell phones for his kids under her plan. Suggested SHE buy a German Import car so she can SHARE it w/ the 16yr old. Prior to getting engaged they discussed the type of ring she would like. He gave her some old 1/4ct ring. Far from what she liked (style etc).
She apparently is also hiding money from him. What are your thoughts? I feel he's using her and he never wanted more kids, and possibly lied about getting a "V". Keep in mind, she's NOT rich, but saves well.
I thought about mentioning
I thought about mentioning the whole doc appt situation, but I'm afraid she'd get offended. I don't want to be the one who casts the doubt. My sister recently had a baby through IVF and my fam member would ask how it worked, thinking there was a problem w/ her or him. Ugh.
I know she thinks this is her last chance to get married, but she's settling. She's having her wedding at a ritzy type of place and that's not cheap. She probably figures, well, it's my first marriage, let's go balls to the wall.
For my first marriage we wasted a crap load of money on basically a party which led to a crap marriage. I guess she'll learn.
Tell her to run. My sister is
Tell her to run. My sister is wife number 3 of her DH. She settled and I think she regrets it every day but IF treatment worked and they have a DD now. My sister refuses to consider a divorce on her moral grounds and in her state, dad would likely get custody since he is technically a stay at home dad (disability) but in reality, he more or less ignores their 5 year old. My sister is thrilled that she has started all day school because DD is now only alone with DH for less than an hour before/after school as her hours are teachers hours. Every decision she makes is constrained because she settled. She was a great saver and paid off about $100K of his bills so they could buy a house. He has run up another $50k+ and being a community property state, she is liable for it all.
Run! Run! Run!
That's what I think she
That's what I think she should do, RUN RUN RUN!!! Why just settle and be unhappy just to have a piece of paper saying you're married. It's just not worth it.
"Her ship has sailed" is NOT
"Her ship has sailed" is NOT such a bad thing. Maybe the whole step-bullshit is not the ship she would have ever wanted to be on in the first place, right!?
I sure wish my "Step-Ship" sailed away from me!
In a perfect world, there
In a perfect world, there would be no SKIDs, right?! I'd love a SKIDless life.
You bet your sweet ass a
You bet your sweet ass a SKIDless life is/would be thee BEST & GREATEST life!!!
Ohhh the money we would have in our pockets and in our savings...ohhhh the nice new truck BF would be able to have....ohhhh the nice house we would have instead of poor BF living in a basement apt with a roommate....ohhh the GREAT life we would have ONLY IF SKID AND BM WOULD JUST FALL OFF OF THE FACE OF THE EARTH...
Now I am depressed
Boy is this relationship
Boy is this relationship doomed. I hope she doesn't bring another kid into this mess.
That sucks. I think I would
That sucks. I think I would be discussing wedding plans with her, you know, generally, and asking about the other kids and what roles they would be playing in the wedding. See how exited she is about them etc. The whole conversation could lead on to her expressing any concerns she has and you can take it from there?
A friend of mine about 10
A friend of mine about 10 years ago was with a guy we all hated. First off- he was an ass, but more so, he had somehow convinced her, that HE was her last kick at the can. He had a vasectomy, was about 10yrs older than us- and had convinced her that his two bio's were enough for their family. BLECHHHHH!
Fast forward 10+ years and she is a successful single mom by choice. She opened her eyes, cleared the cobwebs and did her own thing. The EX bf and his 2 spawn wrapped her in knots and convinced her she didn't want her own kids. We, as her closest friends, screamed as loud as we could to remind her how badly she wanted a baby. There were times when she refused to speak to me. I didn't care- I love her that much. Now we are as close as ever and she looks back at that time and thanks her lucky stars some of us were brave enough to speak out.
She actually gives me some great advice now since she used to have 2 horrible skids and a crazy BM to!!
Just sayin'...
This past weekend at a family
This past weekend at a family function I over heard her talking to an extended family member of mine. This woman is older (60-ish) and never had children either, but always wanted them. She was telling her that if she doesn't have kids with her future husband (older lady doesn't know what the FSKIDS said) that she could always adopt. This brought tears to her eyes. I know she doesn't want to adopt. The older lady probably thought this advice brought tears of happiness to her eyes, but being a close family member I knew this wasn't the case. Ladies: NEVER settle just to get a ring on the finger!!!