Can't take backseat anymore
I'm so sick of being my husband's last priority. He is my first priority and I deserve to be his first priority, too. Or at least equal to his kids.
When we got togetgher, my husband and I wanted to move. We talked about it many times, but it alwyas ended with "We can't because the kids are here." And that was hard to swallow at first because it was one of the first things I couldn't do because of the kids (though certainly not the last). Then, 3 years ago, BM up and moved all the kids 3 hours away from us. At first, she did most of the driving back and forth, but it has progressed from that to now us doing most of the driving and that is just not fair. WE didn't decide to move. In fact, my husband still refuses to move because we live where all their cousins (on their mom's side) live and that's where they want to be on the weekends.
So, not only that, but my husband can't say no to anyone except me. So, bad enough we have at least a 3-4 hour round-trip drive, but he agrees to do all sorts of things for the kids and their cousins (ex-wife's neices and nephews) and we don't even end up leaving to bring them back until 7pm. Personally, I'd love to be curled up in bed watching TV and done for the day by that time on a sunday night, but we already know what I want does not matter. So, we're driving and driving and end up having to drive almost the whole way there. We left here at 7pm and dropped them off at 10:45pm. I was pissed (and exhausted). Then we end up getting a flat tire at 12:30am, have to pay $88 TO GET TOWED 2 Miles off the highway and another $60 for someone to fix it. And now we will also have to buy a new tire.
Got home at 2:45 to find someone had locked toor we don't have a key to (because I've only asked Dh to make a key 100 times, not 101 times), so we had to wait until 3 am for someone to come let us in. But then another door was locked, so my husband picked the lock in 2 seconds. I was like "what is the point of having that lock if it can be picked that easily?!?!?" And we don't live in a safe area, either.
So, yes, I was yelling. Imagine me being upset at 3 am after all this nonsense (plus all the stuff I left out, plus this ridiculousness goes on all the time).
So he called me a bitch.
Yes, HE called ME a bitch after I put up with all this crap for him, take care of kids, deal with BMs ridiiculousness and comments and saying bad things about me to skids. And that's what I get. Then he said I was acting like a little girl.
Well, he's sleeping on the couch now anfd I'm not even dealing with him until he actually shows some remorse for what he puts me through or does something to show his appreciation or SOMETHING.
"Sorry 'bout that" just doesn't cut it anymore.
I'm sick of being taken advantage of.
You know my husbands kids
You know my husbands kids also live 3 1/2 hours away from us. I use to travel with him for pick ups and drop offs...then when our son was born, i thought...why should i? My life doesn't revolve around BM's or kids schedual. And they cancel at the last minute all the time with my dh and he's taken Bs for the last 10 years. He's finally standing up to thema nd basically telling them. we're here...when you feel liek seeing us fine..if not...too fn' bad. We are not catering to them anymore.
To me, it sounds like your husband just wants to stay as close as possible to areas where his kids would likely be because of the move.
This of course depends on their age as well...once they hit the teen years, trust me, they drop everyone like hot potatoes for their plans and their friends. Its normal.
So i hope your dh doesn't end up liek mine now, holding an empty bag. feeling depressed and angry and abondonned. I told him over easter weekend. your kids are growing up. They barely visit, stop holding onto them and live your life. live with me, dont wait by the phone, stop holding onto things for the just in case.........i took back the space held for the kids when they came over so i can finally decorate my new place. When they decide to come...which i know will be in another 2 or 3 months...they can sleep on pull out couches that we have.
My advice to you is to sit him down and tell him, (liek i just did with my dh) your feelings. If he doesn't listen....
1. Stop going with him for pick ups and drop offs...dont waste your time. Get to do things for yourself while he's busy.
2. Join in activities when you want, not when your dh wants you.
3. Plan activities whether the kids are there or not....
4. The money that is spent on the travel time should be only his and not yours. I do this with my dh...if he has no money to go pick up his kids...sorry i'm not your bank account.
Firm lines have to be established. Open your feelings...but int he end if you are still frustrated with being second in his life and he wont put you first or at least equal at times in your life....then..maybe a serious decision should be made.
How long have you been married?
How old are his kids?
I understand your frustration...but i alos understand he wants to be close with his kids growing up. Its tough to balance things...but once bitterness fills in.....ouch...i think if you feel second, its time to not wait for your husband to do it. Put yourself first. By not going to the pick ups and drops off...your time wotn be wasted....and cut off the cash for them as well. This way, you change your mind set, your activities. Go out with friends when he's busy.
i have a question...why in
i have a question...why in the world do you go to the pick up and drop off with him? why not just stay home and do what you said...curl up in a nightgown and read?
there is no reason you need to go!
I don't go anymore to pick
I don't go anymore to pick up and drop off because it seemed like everytime we went for SS8....BM would always have something so important that she just had to talk to DH about and would keep him in the house OR she would come outside raising hell at him for something or another. This happened the last time I went and it was ALL I COULD do not to get out of the car and beat her ass in her own driveway. I CAN NOT stand to see this woman belittle my DH and he takes it because he doesn't want to "rock the boat"! He knows I care nothing about rocking the boat or not....so I get to stay at home and relax now!
****I can do bad all by myself****
I agree with folkmom, I
I agree with folkmom, I would stay home and curl up with a good book and a glass of wine. In fact, I started doing that - had to disengage where ever I could.
DH understands and fortunately for me - SS16 is only coming every 1 1/2 - 2 months these days because he can't behave and I made some very firm boundaries that either SS (and DH) adhered to, or visits in my home were done. SS even asked a few months ago why I don't come with DH to pick him up anymore - I simply said "why would I - you don't seem to want to do anything that involves me and you clearly don't give a rats ass about me or my feelings, so again - why would I?"
He didn't know what to say and started to get a little irritated. DH said, you know - she's got a point. (Yeah DH!!)
Not going gives me a little "me time".