Bio-father decides to rear his head...potential disaster
a little background... my wife was married for 4 years to the devil... he started beating her the week after they were married. About 6 weeks after they got married she realizes she's pregnant...she stays in it for 4 years. He spent her life savings, took out credit cards on her ss#, filed countless bogus claims with child services against her... he is a bad, bad man.
She and her 15 yr old daughter came into my life 3 years ago, and we've lived together as a family for about 18 months now. In that time, the bio-father has only seen the daughter ONCE! He hasn't gotten her a birthday present or Christmas present the last 2 years... hasn't come to a single recital or school play, much less 8th grade graduation. He's still thousands of dollars behind in child support, let his health insurance on her lapse... and yet he is still her knight in shining armor. She holds her mother and I to such demanding standards...gets furious when her mother won't buy her anything and everything she wants...and he ALWAYS gets the free pass. Its not his fault he got fired and lost the health insurance...why must we pick on him and try to get the back child support he owes??
I'm sure you get the picture...
After not making any attempt to see her for all this time, he's decided to take her (at her pleading) to the Father/Daughter dance. She actually asked her mom, who is owed thousands by this clown, to buy the tickets and to buy her a new dress so that she can spend this time with him! Why doesn't she ask him for the $$$?
This is the hardest part of stepparenting. We'll end up buying the tickets and probably a dress, because we want her to be happy, and we feel like we have to fill the gaps this jerk has left behind. And if he doesn't show up... its gonna take lots of therapy. When will she wake up and smell the roses? Anyone care to comment? Just venting.
Poor Girl...
I understand where you are coming from. My Ex does not see our kids. They love him so much and think he great. It doesnt matter that he has no responsibility for them, he does not pay support, does not work, does not call, just got out of jail, etc. He is Dad the Almighty.
I pray that one day he gets his act together and realizes the hurt he caused these precious children. However, I dont count on it.
My kids are daughter 8 and son 10. It has been about five yrs since they have an relationship with him. A few phone calls here and there and a visit maybe once a yr for the last couple of yrs but nothing to count on. I just try to support them and let them know that their step-father and I are there for them. I think that sooner or later they will see them for what he is, but until then, I can only support them.
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
How sad.....
This may never change. My ex-husband has a real loser bio-dad.... this guy has been in and out of his life, in and out of countless rehab centers, etc. When my ex and I were married the guy showed up in my ex's life and the two started a business together, (STUPID!) then daddy dearest takes off with all of the business profit and leaves my ex to pay the rent and the outstanding debt.
I've noticed recently that my ex's dad is back in my ex's life AGAIN like nothing ever happened. Glad thats not my problem anymore!
Its really a sad situation, but some kids, young and grown will never get it.... they will always want to see the absent parent in a positive light. I can't say that I get it, but I've never been in that situation either.
I know that if I was in your shoes Ill the situation would hurt my feelings.... I would wonder why SD didn't ask me to take her to the dance.
SD has made it clear that I'm not her dad....
So she doesn't want me to take her to the father/daughter dance. She has also said in no uncertain terms that she wants no parenting from me at all. Except that is when she needs money... Sometimes I feel like a sucker, and sometimes I feel like she really sees me that way (Ha! He loves my mom, so he has to be nice to me!)
Kids often assess their own
Kids often assess their own value based on their parents. She probably hopes to have him as involved in her life as much as she can because it makes her feel good about herself. What kid wants to feel like their dad doesn't love them? She knows he is not as involved as her mother, she expects more of her mother & unfortunately takes it for granted. She grasps at straws with her father. She'll take what she can and walk on egg shells in fear of pushing him away because she doesn't feel unconditional love from him as she does from her mom. She'll defend him endlessly because she sees herself as an extention of him. And it sucks to be in your shoes. Lots of stepparents feel unappreciated due to this same issue. Don't take it personally!
I do feel hurt...and unappreciated...but I'm the adult
and I'll always have to keep this in perspective. Perfect example... Her mom was between jobs this spring, so I paid her $550 school fees without blinking... didn't get so much as a thank you. I actually wrote the bio dad and asked him to reimburse me for half... he then yells at the stepdaughter, putting her in the middle. She then yelled at her mom about ME, asking why I was harrassing her dad!!! TOTALLY expected me to pay and never said thanks...then defends her dad against not paying!! Explain that one!!
There is no explanation
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
at least there is no valid explanation why she wouldn't thank you.
And your wife should step up to the plate, make her apologize, and thank you. But that probably won't happen.
My SD17 has yet to thank me for one single thing I've done for her-while SD13 thanks me just for loving her. That's how it is. And overindulgent H expects it to continue that way. Not. It might for a little while-while I get a job or get my schooling done. But after that-BAM! They aren't going to know what hit them.
it's sad & hard & very typical behavior
Children want to feel loved and accepted by their parents, even when those parents are complete and total losers.
The children will forever see them through their rose-colored glasses, grasping at straws at the smallest of gestures, looking for the littlest glint of hope which they can forever hold onto, which forever fools them into thinking, ''See how wonderful my mom/dad is? They're really not ALL THAT BAD!''
Meanwhile, the ''real'' parents/stepparents who have been there through thick and thin, to pick them up through all the countless heartache and pain suffered at the hands of these selfish, awful people, goes largely unappreciated. And usually expected by the child/teenager/adult child.
True selfless parenting is a gift we give our children. And it often comes without a ''Thank You'' card. But good parents do it because we just couldn't live with ourselves to do it any other way.
Still, a little appreciation once in a while certainly would be nice, wouldn't it? What's that saying about catching more flies with honey than with s*@t???
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
You’re in a tough spot
You’re in a tough spot and really can’t make the calls on how things will go with the deadbeat dad.
The mom needs to step up and control this situation. She needs to do whatever she can to get him to follow whatever court orders are in place. You cant agree to be a doormat so that her daughter is happy.
I wish you luck. Personally I would lock up my money and see how well you are treated when you aren’t the supplier of free money.