teen SD intent on ruining relationship

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I'm at wits end. I'm a 42 yr old guy, and I have a 15 yr old SD that is intent on ruining her mom and my relationship. Their little family unit moved from out of state to be with me two years ago, and SD has made no attempt to fit in, adjust, acclimate. She's done nothing but hammer her mom about how her life was ruined, she hates our town (its fabulous) she hates me, and its all her mom's fault. The mom is so guilt ridden at what a pig the BF was and is that she lets SD15 get away with murder. The kid lies, she steals from her mom and me, she makes terrible grades, she's 70 lbs overweight. All the kid has to do is cry, and mention her dad and she's off the hook. She constantly rails against me, although I've treated her like an angel. I think its because I don't cater to her whims and I let her know I see through the crap that she is able to bulldoze her mom with. However, anytime I've tried to be involved with disciplining her its blown up in my face so I've disengaged. Her mom is about to go crazy (severe depression) and I think that the kid is maybe trying to make that happen!!! She's seen her dad emotionally abuse her mother for so long that I think she thinks its ok to do. I'm about to break - they've been living with me for 2 years, and instead of a honeymoon I've gotten anger, resentment, depression, yelling, screaming, crying...

No wonder so many second marriages fail. I'm gonna keep trying, but I can't take too much more. This is killing me.

Have you

tried to go to counselling?You are dealing with alot and most people would have a hard time coping with all this.75% of second marriages fail and the reasons are the kids or ex spouse but you both have to really understand that and be a united front.I would seek counselling with all 3 of you.

Seek help in the form of

Seek help in the form of someone who can help place her in a facility for problem teens before she goes over the edge and really hurts someone. Take control of the situation and petition family courts if you have to, that she is a severe behavioral problem. In a group home or foster home she may do better as she will be with people who may be more equipped to handle the games she plays.

Rough! I feel for you!

I have found myself in a similar situation. DH and I had this issue when we first got married 10 years ago. My DH was always parenting from fear with both of my SD's. Fear of tantrums, guilt over divorce, fear of his ex being the "nice" parent and him being the "meanie". This was complicated by my parenting style which is more like love and logic. So my child has always understood consequences and behaved accordingly. I did what was best for my D instead of beign the good guy...and news flash she loved me for it!!! My SD18 was and still is constantly trying to break up my marriage. I have had to go NC with her and let DH deal with her.

DH and I had to come to an understanding about what was acceptable behavior in our home and that was not easy. SD18 was literally the laziest most disgusting kid ever. She wiped boogers on walls left her used femine hygine on the floor. Just gross.

DH and I agreed that there were certain not tolerated behaviors. He woudn't agree to having his babies clean up or do chores (mostly because fits ensued) so we agreed that any mess they made would be cleaned up by him alone by the end of each day. For an entire week grumpy DH dutifly cleaned up boogers and grossness until he finally lost his shit. I had to laugh at his daughters shock when they were made to clean up the messes they made. It was like they couldn't believe dad's own tantrum. So DH was able to effectively do some parenting and consequences but really very little. I was branded as mean because everyone had to do homework and achieve a certain GPA or they had consequences and other reasonable things.

Fast forward to what is really important though... SD18 barely graduated high school, moved out of our house to live with BM, is currently being kicked out of BM's house but called the police who informed BM she has to give SD18 30 days notice to kick her out (lol), has been fired from two low level jobs, currently a waitress at the thrid job. Can't have normal interpersonal relationships and no roommate wants to live with her lazy booger slinging ass. So in the end who is really hurt by all of the passive parenting DH and BM did...SD18. In contrast DD15 is in a high level STEM program, currently has a 4.0 (almost in her Junior year), is successful in sports and is currently being recruited by some amazing universities (including some ivy league). So I believe consequences and discipline works, its good for kids and your wife is hurting her daughter by not growing a set and making some rules.

Also, we found out SD18 has some pretty major mental health issues we were not aware of until she was nearly 15. Getting her the proper counselling at a younger age instead of ignoring her behaviors would have benefited her greatly.

The bad news for you is your SD is 15 and it would be very difficult to change her behavior at this point. You need to find away to control what you can. Protect yourself from all of this and have some really good boundaries. Which means things like stealing can't be acceptable. Don't sacrifice yourself for SD because you feel bad or you want to make things easier for your wife. It truely is your wifes problem to deal with and I would start shifting it all to her. Disengage, if something is stolen from you insist your wife replaces it...look at the problem from a spectators point of view more than being actively involved. Also, maybe your wife needs to have a breakdown in order to make some change. Don't try to save her from this, it isn't your job.

Good luck my friend PM any time if you think I can be helpful!