feeling left out in my own house - just venting
Wow...this being a stepdad stuff is hard!!! Its been nearly a year since new spouse and teenage stepdaughter moved in, and I've been feeling like a man without a country lately. The SD is overweight, doing poorly in school, sets new standards for laziness around the house...and I don't really have a say in anything. If I try to get her to exercise or eat better, I'm picking on her. If I want her to do something around the house I'm picking on her. I've tried to help her with schoolwork (I went to college on academic scholarships) and its been made more than clear that she doesn't want my help. Her mom tends to take her side; she actually gets offended sometimes because she feels like I'm insulting her parenting when from my perspective I'm just trying to help.
The toughest thing is that I care, and sincerely want to help her. I guess I'll just keep trying, and hope the tide turns. In the meantime, there are days when I'm just pissed beyond belief that she's there, cluttering up my house, eating my food, running up phone bills, electric bills, cable bills, etc... I think its just human sometimes to ask yourself why the hell am I doing this?
I think my DH
had a lot of those same feelings when we got married and my two teen bkids moved in. I think it's normal what you are feeling, it takes time to get accustomed to having teens in the house and they are notoriously messy. I also felt offended that my Dh was telling me things about my kids that I should do differently and we still clash on this from time to time but my bkids have adjusted very well as of late and issues with them have died down.
If you read any of my posts you will see that most of our conflicts are more around my SD12. I think my dh has figured out that he has no room to talk about parenting roles.
Have some patience with yourself. Stop helping, if your assistance is not appreciated then don't do it. Natural consequences have a way of waking some kids up to the reality of not studying or eating better. Detach for a while and see if you feel better. Oh, and welcome.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
You're doing great!
I say keep trying, but maybe in different ways. She needs to learn to not be so sensitive though (her mom too). Maybe you could tell her, "Listen, SD, I'm here for you. If you ever need advice, help with schoolwork, or anything else -- know that I'm here" and then back off and let her come to you. More than likely she will -- I would!:)
Nobody likes a nag
I was getting annoyed at the laziness of my SD16 it was making me unhappy and I refuse to nag. Her father printed off a week planner and marked on there jobs for her to do.
So far she has stuck to it 100%. She does the dishes twice weekly, cleans and vacuums her room and helps peg out the washing at weekends. He has agreed if she doesn't stick to it she loses privileges (such as going out with friends / rental DVDs etc) not that we have had a problem yet anyway...
Does she not have the same dinner as you? Can you not eat more healthily as a family then it won't seem like you are picking on her?
Good luck!
My husband writes....
That there is your average teenage product of society. They are all 'individuals' and they all know what they need to do in life but none of them will get off their ass's to do anything. All you can do is lead by example. Get involved in the food shopping and buy only healthy food. Try to get the whole family involved in activities that include exercise. Step back a little and just take pleasure in the small victories. Let her know you are there for her but that you won't be putting your life on hold until she is ready to make nice.
KarmaKing.
From my point of view...
Think of it in terms of a power struggle. SD wants to be the most important person in the house with all the attention on herself and her needs. You keep making attempts to engage with SD, and she keeps rebuffing you. SD wins. You are distressed by her reaction and BM sides with SD. SD wins again. Lo and behold, all attention on SD!
As harsh as it sounds, you need to disengage and stop playing the game. KarmaKing is right (!), tell BM and SD that you will back off, but you will be there if she needs you. Then go out and enjoy not being responsible for that lazy so-and-so's upbringing.
P.S. Karma King is a very good stepdad just like you and tries really hard with my BD17. He spent half an hour tonight trying to discuss upcoming exams with her before giving up in disgust. I know my daughter is moody and rude sometimes, but I am still compelled to defend her if someone else criticises her. Hang in there, and just bite your tongue for now. Good luck
}:) Being my husbands third wife does not make me third rate. It just means he is a slow learner }:)
Thanks for support and suggestions
Everyone has been so considerate and helpful. I have disgengaged to a great degree...and its sooo hard for me. Hard to watch this girl who has such amazing potential fail at school and eat/sleep away her life. I think KarmaQueen is right - its all an attention grab. Even if its anger that she's soliciting from both her mother and I, its attention nonetheless. As far as eating healthily, if I/her mom cooks lean meats and veggies she says she's not hungry. Then we find empty bags of cookies under her bed, etc.
disengaging will save your life....
i get criticized as well for stepping in to help. i'm viewed as 'picking on' SS12. again, i learned how to 'not care.' but remember, they will notice. and if you get criticized for THAT, tell them...'when i DID care, you told me i was picking on her.' your wife cannot have it both ways. she cant' expect you to shine glory on her daughter every day no matter what. parenting kids come with all the different levels of good and bad. and if you are expected to live in the same house as a teenager, you should have a say. this is tough. step in only when you have to. meaning: ONLY when it affects you directly. if it doesn't, trust me, your wife will start realizing what you have been trying to point out all along. except this time, she wont' have you to blame, because you weren't involved. the blame will fall squarely on the shoulders of your SD and hopefully then, progress will be made. go see a movie. by yourself.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
Good point moody
I think it is important to remind our Dh or Dw occasionaly that their children are their responsibility. They as the bio parents and will have to live with the mistakes they make and deal with the backlash of dependent adult children. I am by no means a perfect parent but I do have an unabstructed view of SD and can see where some simple changes would help her future. Dh has to decide if my suggestons are something he can live with or not, I can't attach myself to the outcome.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Amen to that
My SD is exactly the same. I'm at the 'disengaged' stage right now. It's hard, still stressing me out, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall so to speak. I'm just waiting for DH to ask me why I barely even talk to SD19 anymore. This SD is a true orphan considering DH is also her SF. Talk about loser BM's! He did the same thing...divorce guilt...let her do whatever she wanted to and still does.
I think
that all the advice given has been great so I don't know if I can add anything more.
I do understand what you are going thru. I am a teacher & my natural inclination is to "help" teenagers.
My SD didn't want my help----THE WAY I WANTED TO GIVE IT. He was not my child----my kids accepted my help the way I wanted to give it. In order for me not to want to kill this kid was to back off. And I did. And it makes life a lot easier. Now, he will never achieve academic success like I demanded of my kids, but he will be a nice person.
Believe it or not this kid likes me. I don't get in his face for anything. (I told him once in 4 years to take his feet (with shoes) off the couch, please.)
Your situation is different because you are the custodial step parent and I know that the dynamics are different. But---maybe something in this post might be helpful as well as applicable.