husband asking me to make peace at Christmas
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My 2 adult SD's have lied and manipulated for years to get their way. Youngest SD, at age 25, was recently caught in another lie tellign her mother I was "mean to her again". Yes, I'm so mean....bought her a condo which she trashed, she became pregnant and came to MY door....lived her for a year, we GAVE her a car, then paid her car insurance, then she got fired and was angry because I refused to hire her to LANDSCAPE when this girl NEVER does manual labor! I have disnegaged and my husband states I should now stop this and "make the peace". I refuse to allow myself to be disrespected any longer. Either SD can apologize or she is NOT welcome here for Christmas dinner!!!!
Thoughts?//////////
Thats a tough spot to be in,
My first reaction is to agree with you; nonetheless for the sake of the family dynamics you will at some point have to accept her as she is. She is an adult now and will not likely change her colors.
I would invite her to Christmas dinner, what better time to extend an olive branch and be the bigger person?
Forgive her for your own sake as you are hurting yourself inside by holding onto the anger.
I would invite her, be sweet as pie but at the same time know that you cannot trust her.
Good point Cruella,
I didn't think of it that way, but I bet you're right!
What difference does it make
What difference does it make that it's Christmas season approaching? To sugar-coat the situation? To make everyone deny there's real issues to address? And what's to be gained? A couple of days of the "ideal family"? How does DH know that YOU offering the olive leaf is going to make a difference? YOU haven't caused SD to act the way she acts. SD is entirely responsible for that on her own, regardless of how often or the time of the year you "make peace."
Cruella has it right. The disengaging is working, especially for you...and since no one else is willing to make a change, you chose to disengage. I think that's a great way to handle it and would encourage you to continue until THEY get their heads on straight and DH gets his (Christmas) balls back.
Phew, that sounded harsh, didn't it?
I agree with this.
Putting differences aside for Christmas or whatever holiday?? For what... denial? Appearances?
DH needs to have a conversation with his adult BD and have her eat the crow; Bethany you have eaten enough! Let BD demonstrate her humbleness, gratitude, and respect. She is an adult and needs to act like one.
DH is on his own guilt trip.. don't let him put one on you Bethany!!
wasn't so long ago...
It wasn't so long ago that the SD did much of this, so I agree that she is seeing the other side, the one where her asking you to kiss her butt is not accepted and forgiven. She is an adult and it is time to learn that our behavour has consequences. We don't treat those who do for us disrespectively. She should be grateful to you and I have this wonderful feeling that since you have disengaged she may be slowly learning that she should have been grateful long ago.SLOWLY LEARNING, give her more time for it to sink in and I really hope hubby hangs in there with you until lesson is learned.
I would plan a wonderful vacation for you and your husband for as long as you are bale and get out of town!
The difference Riley is
Riley, your message in response to Conflicted sounds a bit harsh.
I think the difference with Christmas approaching is to remember (as we are celebrating the birth of Christ) that we SHOULD forgive others. Who are we to sit all high and mighty and refuse to forgive?
I agree that Bethany is not causing her SD to act the way she does, but what is the harm in "extending an olive branch"?
I can tell you what the harm is in holding on to anger and grudges.
It seems to me that Conflicted was advising Bethany not to let SD and SD's childish behavior reek havoc on her emotionally.
Escaping Sounds Like a Good Plan!
Greetings ladies, this is my first post. I find it interesting that we are buying grown kids condos, cars, etc. and for some reason they THINK they can treat us like dirt. He should be DEMANDING that his grown daughter extend the olive branch a dove and frankincenses to you. She is clearly a selfish immature person that quite frankly needs to grow the heck up!
Black and Blended
Well...
I agree, I wouldnt let her into the house, if you have disengaged you have a good reason to... I wish I had the courage to do it with my three adult step sons, they drive me nuts. One has just dropped out of college, one keeps geting beaten up for cheating on girlfriends and the other is an alcoholic and a gambler... Their father advocates all of their behaviour and its only got worse since I moved in with him and the youngest.
If I had my way Id not let any of my partners sons into the house. Ever.
What does disengage mean?How do I apply it?...
I have been struggling to accept this step kid,step wife(new concept but how true)for a year now.I dont want to be rude or distant but I need my sanity.
Everyone...
... needs their sanity. You should do what you need to preserve it because its all a nightmare!... and if your husband/partner doesnt understand, then they need a talking to so that they do understand and back you up.
Disengaging
means to set back and not involve yourself or place yourself in a situation where you have to suppress your feelings while someone else tramples all over you. Removing yourself from the toxic relationship and setting boundaries for yourself from the perpetrator.
The first step is to remove emotion and watch the players like you would a movie. (You know when you watch a movie and you say... don't let them do that to you! Oh no, don't go back with him....) When emotion is removed, it is easier to analyze the situation and use logic for the cure.
Toxic relationships are not healthy and you can identify these by the drain that overcomes you. Toxic people use up all of our energy. These people try to control others because they cannot control them self. Don't feel bad when you cut them off, they will find anther person to prey upon.
Rather than disengage....
I would tell DH that you do want to have a peaceful Christmas. It won't be possible with SD. If he wants time with his kids, let them do something alone together. Your SK's are adults and the two of you don't need to be so involved in their lives anymore. You raised them - now their on their own. If they falter then they will either learn from their mistakes.... or not learn from them and blame their "screwed up" childhood and you guys forever- playing the victims rather than taking control of their own happiness.
At Christmas...any holiday special time, you deserve to celebrate as you wish.
I do agree with forgiveness... but maybe forgive yourself for allowing them to walk all over you and vow to make it up to (you!) by not falling for emotional blackmail anymore.
Life is simply too short!
Peace, love, and red wine