How do I cope with my bad feelings toward my stepchildren
Hi, I'm new to this forum & hoping for a little guidance. I have been married for almost 7 years. My DH has 2 kids SS 21 & SD 20 & I have 3 boys. 25, 22 & 20. Currently only his daughter lives with us. She is my current issue. I am currently unemployed & considering returning to college this fall. My DH has a home based business so is home 95% of the time. My SD is pretty immature for her age, works in a bar 3 nights a week & parties, gets high & sleeps the other 4 days/ nights a week. She has a hard time keeping any job except this one so far. She either gets fired or quits because they are "mean to her." She also can't be expected to remember many of her responsibilities because of her supposed ADD. Her dad paid her bills except for car insurance which she would pay if she had a job. Any car repair (which has totaled in the thousands) has always been paid for by dad. Two months ago she finally began paying cell hone bill & buying some of her own food & toiletries, after I told DH it's time to put her big girl pants on & pay for more than having her nails done. About 3 weeks ago her car died, blown engine. This is probably the 5 or 6th one DH has bought for her since 16 years old. I put my foot down telling him it was high time she contributed to the purchase of another one. So DH was able to sell her car for $600 & she is supposed to be saving toward new one. DH's car is a manual & she can't drive it so of course my car is now her primary to get around. This weekend her friends are coming in from college (which she flunked out of her 1st semester that DH paid for) & of course she asks to take my car a hour away to stay with friends for the weekend. DH is typically gone every weekend for job related activities which means I'm stuck at home with no car, yay! DH can't understand why I'm pissed to be without a car. When I told SD I'd think about letting her use my car she had a fit, went straight to daddy & then they're both mad at me. When I told her she could use car I never got a thank you from either of them & DH continues to act pissy toward me saying how mean I am to SD. When SD is home she has to be the center of attention & DH just thinks she walks on water. I have come to resent & actually hate SD. I don't want to feel this way but I feel like I'm the odd one out & just stay in my room as much as possible, if SD is awake she's on video games in the living room. I need to know if I'm crazy for feeling this way????
agreed. Or let her take your
agreed. Or let her take your car, but tell him to leave his home so you can drive it. Or better yet tell him he should give her some quick lessons on how to drive a stick shift-if she wants to go bad enough she will be a good pupil.
No way. This is ridiculous!!!
No way. This is ridiculous!!! Don't let that brat take your car anywhere! She isn't being taught anything. Your DH needs to stop acting like a moron and unwrap SD from his little finger. If she works at a bar she can save up a lot of money fast to buy her own damn car. As well as save up to move the hell out. Once she realizes she can't just get what she wants, then she will stop spending all of her money on alcohol and weed and save it to hopefully do things on her own. Stand your ground!
Why is it that DHs always
Why is it that DHs always want to make things easier for their little princesses even at the expense of someone else? He's making it far to easy for her to stay there and do what she wants . . . which is basically nothing. If she wants to drive - she buys her own car . .period!
I can also relate to the odd man out feeling and I've also spent a lot of time in my room. I have a SD (27). At one point I too couldn't stand her and to this day she's not the SD I hoped she would be. However things did get better because she's finally getting her act together ... after other family members made her aware of her detachment issues regarding her dad. I even made DH have a talk with her to tell her "nobody is ever going to take her "da da" away . . .sorry I couldn't pass it up.
In your case, DH needs to get SD on a path for her future so she can rely and depend on herself . . not on him. She needs to get back in school and get a plan for her life. I hope you don't have to deal with what I went through. My SD has an advanced degree - but DH had her so coddled, she thought it was normal to stay with him forever . . . . even after we got married ... until other family members made her realize how pathetic it was and she knew she would be blamed if our marriage didn't work out. Fortunately she's getting married soon. Boy I sure do love karma.
Good luck.
Maybe you should ask your
Maybe you should ask your hubby how he plans to support his dear daughter when he retires.
Fallon, if DH could actually
Fallon, if DH could actually afford it, I think he'd be moronic enough to do it. Before we got married, I asked him if SD wanted to go with us on our honeymoon. He wasn't amused. :sick:
In light of how she reacted,
In light of how she reacted, I wouldn't EVER loan her my car! I'd just ask DH without balls to give her a driving lesson.
I made the mistake of loaning my SD my car to get back and forth to work for a week. It was incredibly inconvenient since my DH took me to work and dropped me off so I had to leave earlier and got home later. Then when I got my car back, the little bitch had put almost 700 miles on it. Her workplace was 16 miles round trip.
I later found out she made a little jaunt with her convict boyfriend (who was on the lam) to Chicago for some fun. I told DH that was the last time ever. And it was.
IF IT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU
IF IT DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU THEN IT IS NOT YOURS TO GIVE. I FINALLY TOLD MY DH I WOULD BE HELPING MYSELF TO HIS POWER TOOLS TO SELL OR GIVE TO MY CHILDREN IF HE DID NOT STOP LOANING HIS DAUGHTERS MY BELONGINGS WITHOUT MY APPROVAL. I HAD A DIFFICULT TIME WITH THAT PROBLEM BUT IT DID STOP. HIS DAUGHTERS NEVER RETURN ANYTHING. RAISED TO BELIEVE A LOAN FROM DAD IS A GIFT. DH AND SD'S WERE SHOCKED I DID NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY.
Did they tell you that you're
Did they tell you that you're selfish and controlling? Cuz that's what I hear whenever I stick up for myself.
Thanks everyone for making my
Thanks everyone for making my day! I wish that I could like SD I really do. She came home from work early last night, was throwing up & sick. Part of me thought "karma is a bitch" but the mother part wanted to go in & see if she's okay. The bottom line I guess is that being in this situation just sucks & I am counting down the days until she moves out. Maybe then I won't feel like I'm in a competition for DH. I over heard him tell her yesterday before she left for work that she's the kind of daughter that other father's dream about having, how pretty she is etc. I wanted to throw up myself! She's very good at putting on this little sweet girl act around him & other people, just don't tell her no for any reason. Thanks again, it's good to know I'm not alone.
I spent the last 6 years
I spent the last 6 years wanting to like my SD16. BM was out of the picture until very recently, so I had to do all the 'mom' stuff and I tried to do my best, BUT I was never who she wished I was (BM) so we both resented each other. I was lucky in that my husband backed me up always, but it has made her angry with BOTH of us. She moved out a few months ago and I alternate between missing her tons and being extremely glad that she is not here. It makes it harder because I know the REAL her and I can see the SHOW she puts on for others. It would be a whole lot easier to hate her or to love her, but being caught in that middle ground is torture. I wish there were an easier answer to give, but time and patience are all that seem to work for me.
It just never ceases to amaze
It just never ceases to amaze me how entitled these mini BM's are! She pitched a fit because you had the AUDACITY to tell her you don't want to be without YOUR car all weekend?! OMG...unbelievable. I would be fuming over this! I think it's ok for you to say, "This is my car and you don't have one because not only have you not saved for one but you have not earned it." She's not your daughter, therefore NOT your responsibility. You should not have to give things up to appease DH or SD. Let them work it out and disengage...seriously, they will get it BIG TIME if you put your foot down and refuse to be inconvenienced. This is not your problem and if you ask me not only are you not being selfish - you're being too nice! SD is going to have to work for what she wants, end of story.
I wish it were that easy but
I wish it were that easy but if I put my foot down then my husband will be mad at me from now on because he never says no to his kids. I've withdrawn from both of them since the car BS but it has hardly phased either of them. Now she just goes through daddy if she wants to ask me for something. I feel powerless right now because I don't have a job. It says a lot about my marriage.
I am in the same boat and
I am in the same boat and feel the same way - and I'm looking for a job as hard as I can.
Another SD issue, don't you
Another SD issue, don't you just love these brats..ha ha ha Seems like they never get off their dads balls.