Take the self-centered brat to a sick kids hospital and let her see what the real world is like.

Wow, she's just a a ray of sunshine spreading good well and happiness wherever she goes :O

Short of 'STFU', I really got nothing. Earplugs? Duct tape? She's on one giant pity party. Changing the subject or flat out ignoring her when she starts in maybe. I'd get up and go find something that I 'just have to do right this minute' the next time she starts up. She may start to get the hint.

I can tell you that I've told my own adult child (oldest daughter)if she's not going to do anything to change her circumstance she's whining about than to save her breath as I don't want to hear it. Sounds harsh I suppose, but DD was raised with the 'if there's a will there's a way' mentality so I have no sympathy for big pity parties.

My SD19 is the same way. She has gotten everything that she has every asked for from my DH and her BM. She is an emotional eater and a diabetic, a dangerous combination. She is overweight and is insecure because of that. One of the reasons she stopped coming over was that I made healthy meals and did not buy junk (among numerous other reasons). Her brother (SS21) has told us that her mother is concerned because she does not have any real friends, except her BFF, soul mate mother, who listens to her complain for hours at a time. She is away at school ~3 hrs away, she is home or a family member sees her most weekends because of lack of friends. She had an internship in NY and I was excited that I would have a stress free summer, oh no...she hated it, "nothing" to do, so she was home or family went there 7/9 weekends (supposed to be there 10, but hated it too much). She didn't want to stay there for 4th of July, what 19yo wouldn't want to be there.
I have resigned to leaving or limiting my time with her because of negativity. The problem is my sons 6 & 3. They really don't acknowledge that she is their sister, because she stays away from our house and never calls. (My 6yo on several occasions has forgotten to put her in family trees at school several times). However, when she does come by, we have to take her out to a restaurant, (can't eat at our house, of course), she is so negative. She also makes little jabs about the little guys ("I think 2 yr old is smarter than 6yr old." ). Even SS21 gets in there and tells his teacher (who is a friend of BM) that 6yo is going to be a handful in class. The teacher pulled us aside at a social event and said, "I know what [SS21] said, but he is so respectful and quiet, never any issues." My husband, usually "doesn't hear it" and then it becomes "I didn't hear, she adores them why would she say that, I think you misheard her..." My husband is convinced and is adamant that his kids should be in my kids lives. I am not convinced yet. There have been other issues too. Because my husband is so excited when they do take time with them, he let them once take him somewhere without a booster seat (5yr old ). My DH was so upset that I took a "wonderful opportunity" and made it sound so bad.
Another thing, what are your thoughts re: my skids taking my kids out to lunch with their BM and to her house to play??? She has been a constant pain in my a$$. She left my DH to be with her "soul mate." When he didn't leave his wife and 3 kids she became very bitter. She has constantly bad mouthed us to her kids, saying we had the affair (we didn't start dating for a yr after they divorced, an I lived in another state). During high school activities where parents were invited I was not allowed to go, they were told to choose me or her. My husband & I paid for all kids grad parties and she sat at the bar and told people she planned it. So I do not want my kids around her, and I would like to limit exposure to his disrespectful, sarcastic, negative kids. What are your thoughts?

Ignore her whining altogether. It is called putting behavior on extinction. Give her no reinforcement of the bitching and moaning, but be pleasant and affable when she is happy and upbeat. Catch her being upbeat and engage on that note. Once she goes back to her moaning, you are done interacting. Just go about your own business quietly.

She sounds immature and seeking attention - by portraying herself as a victim of circumstance. Refuse to encourage that.

Read this for more tips: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

I agree with a poster above about using a children's hospital as shock therapy.

Reminds me of an old British song:

So now you tell me you are lonely,
And say for you that the sun don't shine.
Let me take you by the hand,
and walk you through the streets of London,
I'll show you something to make you change your mind

.o

I'd call her out on it every time. She complains about something, your response is "so what are you going to do to fix it?" She will complain that she can't fix it, and you say "then stop complaining about it." She sounds very immature, and she needs help understanding that adults have problems to solve all the friggin' time.

I can't stand whiners. If you ignore it, it will just bring you down by having to listen to it.

From your latest post it sounds like you have been through a lot. And I can imagine the complaining from SD feels like a scratch on an old wound. Know the feeling. I still believe many of us have been through other abusive situations in our lives such as what you described with your SS which causes some degree of PTSD. One thing people who have PTSD have to watch out for is 'collapse': a scenario which causes the same pain or anxiety as the original event.

Your SD is emotionally frozen in childhood. Your DH obviously feels guilty because he thinks she was short-changed as a child. She keeps whining like a baby. It seems like there are issues from way back which need resolved, and which have nothing to do with you. She needs therapy. She brushes off any advice you offer. Give her a journal to write in.