She won
I've been married 5 years and all 5 years endured the relationship between my DH and the BM. I read all the blogs about women whose DH constantly fixes things in BM's house "so I can see my kids more" and women who endure the constant phone calls that he has to take (mine sleeps with his cell phone just in case BM calls with the light flashing all night like a beacon) ...these kids are teenagers by the way. I too would find out after the fact that he had fixed something, given her money for vactions, medicine, etc. and there was always the justification that he needed to "keep the peace". This woman uses him, plays him like a fool but he allows it even encourages it. These two people find every reason to be in contact constantly and I was always told I had to deal with it. It was part of the package. At kid's functions, they had to sit within view of each other...the one time they didn't - he made an excuse to me that we had to move to hear better. (Of course, our new seats were in direct line of her). When I asked why he constantly looked back at her he'd say, "I am making sure there is no knife being thrown in my back". I don't know what it is - love, hate - whatever, but it isn't over between the two of them. Why am I sadgirl? Because I love him. Alternatively he was either so incredibly loving or hateful to me. She made it clear that she didn't want him to remarry but I don't even think she loves him. She just didn't want him happy and now, she got her way. He kept asking me to ignore things and I just couldn't...too hurt. I wish I could have because in the end - he chose his loyalty to her over our marriage. I wish I had handled it better. I keep beating myself up over it. I am just writing it all out to release some pain. He filed papers today.
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I am so sorry
I know I can't say much to make you feel better but obviously their relationship was not quite over. I think this will be the best for you. I am sure you don't feel that way now but in time you will heal and move on with your life. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and make yourself happy.
We are here for you!
well isn't that nice
Maybe he will revisit and remember why they divorced in the first place!
Sorry honey, it sounds like you were set up. Don't blame yourself, be proud you did not allow yourself to be used.
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
She will probably reject him...
and just keep on playing him like she has been. You are not the fool sad girl...he is.
Chin up the best revenge is your happiness. I know it hurts bad right now and probably will for a while, but even though you love him, do you really want to be second best to his ex? It must have been hard for you all that time to see this stuff..I am sad for you too. But this too shall pass and we can all be here for you to vent in the mean time.
Go get your girlfriends together and have a "lets cheer me up" night. Have some red wine and shake your bum on the dancefloor for a few hours and have some fun!!
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Thank you all
The comment by Most Evil that said sounds like I was set up is actually something I have questioned myself. I once told my DH that I felt that everything he did was to make her happy or make her mad or make her jealous. I never told him, but I feared all along that that was in part why he asked me to marry him. That hurts so much to think it is hard to write. I just wanted to thank you for the encouraging words. Everyone in my life keeps telling me it is for the best, it just doesn't feel like that. Again, thank you all.
What the heck do I know
Honey, I am just a cynical beotch, but that doesn't mean I am right. It was late when I wrote that and I was trying to say in my little 'polite' southern way, that I hope they are very happy together - translation: they deserve each other and obviously were not happy together!!
I am sure he did not go thru your relationship planning to use you and hurt you, maybe he didn't know how he felt. Boy I have been in your same spot while my EX had an 'emotional' affair and it killed me.
But we don't know and may never know what is going on in your DH's head. But if he does not value you and your relationship he does need to ease on down the road! leaving you free for the person who will truly love you in all your glorious glory!! so let that shine!!!
Hold your head up girl, you have done nothing wrong. I like the go out with girlfriends idea!! You will feel weird and in shock for a while, but that doesn't mean this could not be a blessing in disguise (like it was for me). Please keep us posted!
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
baggage
Please dont beat yourself up over this. You are the lucky one that he and all of his baggage is being removed from your life. He is not done with the relationship so let her play him and use him. If he was playing you and using you that is the same thing that she is doing to him. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
I'm sorry for your pain...
...but not sorry that you've been set free to find real love with someone who will love you back, appreciate you, treat you with dignity and respect and who will make YOU the focus of his life. Congratulations on your new beginning!
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I have been there
The thoughts you are having about how he is choosing his loyalty to her over your marriage. I have felt that way so many times. I have told him too. He always uses the kids as an excuse. I tell you better worry more about our marriage, your kids are going to grow up and have their own life and you will be alone, because she does not want you back. She just wants you to want her. We finally went to counseling and that helped a lot but there are still issues occasionally. Good luck to you.
wow
I'm sorry your hurting. As a second wife, that is one of our" nightmares " When I first met my DH, that was an issue w/ us to. She says she never wants him back....but will stop at nothing to get back at him! Finally I told him , if our relationship was to be a success, she needs to be out of the picture, it was really me or "her", type of disscussion. And he could see through her to, he was tired of the BS, as well, and was ready to really move on. Funny now we live over 2,000 miles away! But in all seriousness, I would have left him , if that kept up. I love him w/ all my heart, and it would have hurt like h---. but I will not be a "substitute", And, in your case, you never know.....maybe down the road some day, you'll be the one he looks at wistfully, waiting by the phone at night, trying to keep up contact. ~"Resist all the urges.... that make you want to go out and kill." ~ Chel.
She didn't win!
You are the one who won. She now has someone back in her life who has proven to be unable to keep either of these relationships in tact. You can now move on and leave behind all of THEIR baggage. If the two of them want to drag each other down then its better for you to be out of their sick little game. You sound like a reasonable and strong person. You will be fine. One day you will look back and wonder why you didn't leave much earlier. Good luck to you!
You all are so wise
Amazingly, most of your guesses were right...yes, she divorced him though he says "he would have the next day" and to Chel's response above...I did ask him if we could move to Florida in 2 years when the kids are out of school. This was my way to know that eventually we wouldn't be living 5 minutes from her in her town where she grew up and neither of us have any roots (other than our kids!). His answer: I love it here and I am not ever moving. Conveniently, BM is from the town we live in...born raised parents, sisters, brothers, etc. They all live here and my DH is involved with all of them to one extent or the other (he fixes her Dad's shower drain because "he is all alone and has no help" but I find out months later usually because someone else mentions. In some ways, his not wanting to ever move told me we'd never be away from her. He's lived all over, but this, where she happens to be from, is where he plans to live his life. In part, if he didn't encourage her behavior or seem to almost need it, I'd be able to deal with her. It's his need to continue it that makes me give up all hope. I know you all are right I am sure that I will find the someone who is right - it's just so hard when you care so much about someone and you feel so committed to them and it isn't returned. He has always been more focused on his first marriage. He even once told me I would have to deal with her cutesy emails to him because he wasn't going to put conflict there by telling her to stop sending "for the sake of the kids". He also said if he told her she would think I was insecure and make comments about that. He'd come up with a million reasons and then he just never let me see another email again and honestly, I didn't want to. THank you all for letting me vent. It actually helped more than I could know to read all of your thoughtful comments.
For the sake of my kids....
BARF, if they / he was so worried about the kids welfare, he would still be married to her, and trying like crazy to work it out! At the minute a parent leaves, the kids suffer, and when divorce happens, weather on good terms or bad(usually very bad), they suffer some more. It forever changes who they are!! He is actually doing more harm to them by "being around" in this way, it causes alot of confusion for those kids. So for the sake of the kids: back off, your divorced now...start acting like it and quit confusing, and causing disstress to your kids. You can tell him that if you want, if it might make a diff. ~"Resist all the urges.... that make you want to go out and kill." ~ Chel.
So sorry
I'm sorry, Sad Girl. All the truisms in the world won't make it feel better. Even knowing the day will come when you will say, "Whew!" and thank God that he's not in your life anymore. Right now it just hurts and it sucks and if I could, I'd hug you and feed you Ben & Jerry's.
Take care, sweetheart.
Blueberry's Baby
It's true..
It seems like she won but she didn't....the last laugh will be yours...
1) Karma will get each of them whatever they have given out.."IF" they do get back together, it won't last....it didn't last to begin with.
2) when you find that good man you will appreciate him even more because of what you have been thru..
The best way to deal with it is let yourself cry...crying is great therapy..but don't let them see you...when they see you thriving down the road you will be the one with the last laugh.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"