Well, That Ought to Change Things
DH and I were talking about the SD's schedule for the next month and I immediately stopped talking when he started asking me questions about it (I was just trying to get the Winter Break on the calendar). Since I have ZERO clue, I said that I couldn't discuss it at all. He agreed and asked SD14 to come over. I left the table Very Quickly.
The Gist:
In the next five weeks DH will see the SDs precisely one weekend per how SD14 would like the schedule to be. DH asks if that's fair. SD14 'doesn't know.' Well, then it should be even you think? 'Yeah maybe.' DH gets a little frustrated, asks her if they will make up time in March. Uncommitted response from SD14.
The Result:
DH gives up and asks her if she wants to spend more time at her mom's. 'Yes, I like hanging out with mommy.' DH iterates that she absolutely can spend more time with BM if she wants, and she can also make more choices as she gets older with how her time is spent.
My Take:
He just gave SD14 the power to choose visitation.
I'm remaining silent on this for now, unless those choices start effecting me. I.e. last minute visits, demands to be picked up/carted around, demands for $ (because you all KNOW what's coming...daddy as $ and convenience). I also think it's an easy way out of parenting for him. I don't think he'll discuss this with BM - I also think she could very well ask for more $ each month if the schedule changes from 50/50. And it could alter SD11's (stb12) visitation as well.
I think he needs to go to counseling now, as he's repeating exactly what happened to him (and now regrets as an adult - he's mad at his parents for letting him decide who parents)...he knows this though and all I can do is encourage.
On the plus side, less interactions with SDs, but also less control. If visitation does lessen then bedrooms will be tossed and cleaned up and considered more "guest rooms." I won't tolerate rooms sitting unused in a disgusting state of filth. OH, yes, and that nice big house we bought two years ago? Do we REALLY need it? More time for myself?
Since it's just a proposal, I'll just play the waiting game and watch this.
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"My Take: He just gave SD14
"My Take:
He just gave SD14 the power to choose visitation.
I'm remaining silent on this for now, unless those choices start effecting me. I.e. last minute visits, demands to be picked up/carted around, demands for $ (because you all KNOW what's coming...daddy as $ and convenience). I also think it's an easy way out of parenting for him. I don't think he'll discuss this with BM - I also think she could very well ask for more $ each month if the schedule changes from 50/50. And it could alter SD11's (stb12) visitation as well."
YUP! I have no idea why adults say shit like "as you get older you'll have more say" or "what do YOU want to do?" to their kids, I really don't. No, kids DON'T get to decide whether or not DAD gets to parent.
Man, that drives me NUTS!!!
My SO's daughter is 14 also.
My SO's daughter is 14 also. Her mom moved about 20 miles from the house she grew up in and went to elementary school near. She switched school districts and neighborhood the year she went into junior high. For the past 2 years, her visitation with her dad pretty much revolved around softball since she played on a team closer to us - so he would pick her up and bring her back to mom's twice a week for practice and every tournament weekend he would have her. She has no friends around here any more - her whole life is in her new area and new school, she's even on a new team closer to there. I think it's a little crazy to force a 14 year old to hang out with her parents, especially on weekends...I was raised in an intact family and was NEVER around when I was that age. It's all about hanging with friends. He calls and texts her several times a week and they get together when it works for both of them. This doesn't mean that he doesn't parent her - he is still involved (well as much as he can be with high conflict bio mom). BM just recently hinted around at increasing child support, but she has a habit of not following through on anything, so we'll see. I told SO he didn't have to pay her a dime more until a judge tells him to.
All I know is in our situation if he forced visitation, everyone's life would be totally miserable. If both bio parents were still together, would you refuse letting the kid go to the school dance because he/she had to hang out with mom or dad?
When kids get to be teenagers
When kids get to be teenagers they really don't like hanging out with their parents. It does change. And they get more active in sports or other activities. When they turn 15 or 16 they may start a job that could interfere with visitation. Maybe that is what he meant for when she gets older.
No issues with the above
No issues with the above comments about a teen wanting independence and to do things with friends and get involved with activities. DH has always encouraged this however...
SD14 is lazy. Lazy x100. She doesn't want to do anything but be on her phone or device. She will literally spend all weekend in her pajamas, accumulate food utensils/dishware, etc. BUT also, DH lets her get away with this. He hasn't helped get her involved (mostly b/c she fights it all the time if it's not her idea or if she decides she doesn't want to do it any longer) much more than making suggestions. Her friends are always "too busy" to get together on the weekends (because they are involved in things). She's "too tired" and "it's too boring" to do anything. I don't think it's much different at BMs house...according to SD11 she's just on her phone all the time. Why would she not be?
SD14...a job? BWAHAHAHAHA. DH has also said he won't require or encourage her to have a job as long as she's in school. And I think that includes college my friends.
DH is the ultimate passive parent - no rules, no expectations, no guidance, no ramifications.
And "NO" is not in his vocabulary.
I am glad I made you laugh
I am glad I made you laugh about SD getting a job one day. She does sound lazy and that would drive me nuts. Maybe having her spend more time at her Mum's house will give you more peace. I feel for you. DH has issues when it comes to his daughter. Blinders.
SD11 has had several jobs
SD11 has had several jobs already, SD14 always finds a way around it.
...although she did work one day for an hour or so pulling weeds for DH this past summer (and he paid her an exorbitant amount).
I think the most stressful thing for me is not the SDs but how DH doesn't parent...and I cannot do so and it drives me nuts and stresses me out to no end. I don't like disengaging, but it's what I have to do to save myself and to hopefully have DH actually see situations.
I feel bad for him, but he can reverse it if he really wants to, but HE has to want to.
Cover I don't mean to laugh
Cover I don't mean to laugh but your SD working one day for an hour pulling weeds is hilarious. LMAO You are right DH is the problem.
Oh, I think it IS funny too.
Oh, I think it IS funny too. She has even made reference to it as a "job." LMAO.
Yep, sounds just like SO's
Yep, sounds just like SO's daughter (and SO). Constantly on the phone... complains she's bored. Will want to go somewhere when it's ridiculously bad timing, but then we it's a good time and we suggest it, she doesn't want to do it. I'm actually thrilled she doesn't want to be around - it's done wonders for our relationship!
oh this is going to be
oh this is going to be good.....
DH allowed SD to choose, now you can enforce it, only one week-end a month, schedule will stay like this for at least a year, no changing back...
that's the only thing I would enforce, no sorry DH, SD decided on this now she lives with her decisions, this is how you teach your child about consequences..
Yeah, I'll post an update
Yeah, I'll post an update soon about what DH plans on doing. Could it be placing limits? Will he follow through? Will ramifications actually be reality and what else happened to trigger this reaction...