To email or Not to email
I am not saying that I have always had a good relationship with my kids SM. In fact, I down right hated her for a LONG time. She was like 21 when she got together and knocked up by my ex. I saw her as this stupid little twit that was always interjecting and trying to take over. My ex stopped communicating with me and she did it all. It has been 5 years since they got together and over the years things improved. We now have a pretty solid relationship, share pictures and tidbits about the kids all the time. Even little jokes back and forth. She has asked my advice on personal matters, etc. It is good. We text almost daily. We even did a joint birthday party with my DD this year. We were all up in the trees together doing a zip line obstacle course- my STBDH, my EXH, kids SM, the bios and 4 other squeally 10 yr old girls.
I reached out to her for advice on our out of state visitation issues with STBDH's son. I asked her what she would have done if I told them that they could only see my bio's when they came to my town (they live almost 4 hours away, so it would be a heavy burden) or if DD had softball, she wasn't allowed to go. She said to reach out to BM. I told her that I wasn't sure that it was a good idea. I really resented when she took over communication regarding the kids. She wasn't the parent, and when I was talking about the kids, I wanted to speak to the other parent, not her. She understood and said that she knew it bothered me and it gave her a ton of anxiety when she did email me, but laughed and said that she wore me down eventually. She said reaching out mom to mom would probably help...
I was wondering what your experience was in situations like this? BM is refusing to let SS out for Winter break. We are supposed to have 1/2 the break. She is using basketball as the excuse. She told STBDH that if we travel 1300 miles and go to their state again that he can have him as long as we do the transportation to and from practice. Keep in mind that STBDH's mom still lives in SS state but is about an hour away. So A LOT of driving, which we did for the 4 whole days that we got him out of the 9 we were out there for Thanksgiving this year. I am out of vacation time, STBDH can't take leave, he is in the military. My kids want to spend the time with their family, and their dad gets them the day after Christmas this year. STBDH hasn't been allowed his kid for Christmas in 5 years. We are filing for contempt. The hearing is in 2 weeks. I don't know if she even knows about it yet.
Anyway, do you think reaching out mom to mom would do anything or just make it worse?
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Comments
Stay out of it. You've
Stay out of it. You've already filed for contempt, let the judge handle BM's stonewalling.
This. Op your fiancé has
This.
Op your fiancé has this in hand, he is dealing with it the best way he can. Support him in his efforts. You reaching out is undermining what he is doing. If he felt that BM would respond to reasonable arguments made by himself or anyone he would not be having to go to the expense, hassle and stress of court action.
This. OP, you have an
This.
OP, you have an AWESOME, RARE relationship with your kids' SM. You won't have that with BM. Let your STBDH handle it through the courts (or through not doing anything), and keep the focus on your kids.
I would your SO handle it,
I would your SO handle it, especially if BM is high conflict. It is his ex and his son.
Family is more important that
Family is more important that basketball. Unless this is some sort of playoffs event (even then it's not going to take up the whole visitation time) the kid should be with his dad and can handle missing a few games and practice.
Your SO needs to handle this completely. He needs to remind her about what the CO states and that he demands it be followed. He is an equal parent and his time with the kid is just as important as her's and in a way this is more important since I assume his time is limited to some degree.
If she refuses to comply he needs to work with the lawyer and really push some sort of real help from the court for BM's behavior. She is not the boss in this case and does not have the final say.
Again you need to not message her. Unless things are wonderful and co-parenting is working out amazingly well you will only make things worse. She will not care what you say or listen to reasoning on your part. If you go off on her it will be used against your STBDH in court.
This is my SO's biggest
This is my SO's biggest problem. Middle School Basketball is in no way comparable to time with a parent, especially when that relationship is long distance!
It's important to the kid
It's important to the kid which is why I would attempt to make it happen BUT not by sacrificing time with dad. Dad needs to call the coach himself and explain what is going on. This isn't a time to be shy and secretive. Have dad explain he fully supports his son's participation in basketball and wants to know how he can help the child while not losing this important time with his kid. If there is some major playoff or tournament day then dad needs to try if at all possible and have the kid there because yes this is important to him and dad should be supportive but 'normal' games and practice can be put on hold.
With the coaches input maybe dad can take over helping the boy practice with some one on one time while he's with you guys. This helps the kid bond with dad, shows the child his dad supports his passion, and still lets the kid practice.
Thanks Ladies! I didn't think
Thanks Ladies! I didn't think it was the best idea, just based on how I reacted to SM reaching out to me in the beginning! Maybe in time, but this is not the time being that we are in the middle of conflict.
I've had the same issue of
I've had the same issue of the new SM taking over all communication and yes it was extremely annoying to have a go between when issues w/the kids needed to be taken care of. If you email BM then you're going to be the annoying controlling interloper trying to tell her how to manage her kid. Your SO needs to communicate with the other parent and work things out, it's his job. Interjecting yourself into their dynamic will only cause drama and backlash for you. It's nice that you and your kids SM get along now but as we read on here that's not always the case.