Throwing Dad under the bus
Yesterday afternoon DH are sitting on the couch watching TV when he starts getting texts from BM, "If you are not going to buy the twins costumes for Halloween, let me know and I will pick them up and take them. They are 9 years old and deserve a fun Halloween despite your lack of interest."
We thought the kids were going through the giant tote of costumes and picking out a costume. No, they decided they didn't like the options and decided instead of letting their father know this, they would text their mother and complain.
DH called them in and asked them why he just got a text from their mother that they had nothing to wear. They both said they didn't like what was down there. He said, "so instead of letting me know, you decided to tell your mom."
He was pretty upset about it, because this is their pattern. He tells them something, and they run off with their phones and "tell on him"
Does anyone else deal with this, they don't only tell on him, they basically tell on me, my kids, my husband and my dog, "that they are so frightened of"
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How would I have dealt with
How would I have dealt with this?
Text to BM... "No.. I have it all taken care of.. kids must be confused. Don't worry, they will get the Halloween they deserve".
"Hey girls come on in here....."
yess daddee???
"Hand over your phones.NOW"
" I am not happy with your decision to run to your mother because you didn't like the costumes we had on hand... so guess what? you have two choices. You either pick out an outfit from what we DO have.. and go smiling with us to trick or treat.. OR.. we can all sit here and you can answer the door to hand out treats to other kids... Oh.. and if you think running to your mother will help.. it most assuredly will NOT.. only will increase the level of consequences. That is ALL.. I will not have you running to your mother trying to get us in trouble when you don't like my decisions. You will abide by my rules in my home.. your mother has no authority over me"
I love this response!
I love this response! Perfection!
This ^^^
This ^^^
I agree with ESMOD as well...
I agree with ESMOD as well...
That's what I said, "just
That's what I said, "just take the phones away!" Last time he took SD12s phone away for not completing her homework a Cop showed up at our door for a well child check. BM made the call. She pays for the phones and I personally think DH is afraid to take them away, which is what I would of done, buut, not my kids....
Let her call and waste the
Let her call and waste the cops time.
DH has all rights to take away the phones while the kids are in the house. He must return them when they leave or hand them over to her if she request them BUT his home his rules. He's also not preventing communication because she can always contact his phone at reasonable times right?
I hate this thing where BM's think only they can really take care of the kids. Dad must be incompetent so if the kids don't answer ASAP then they must be dead. UGH.
BM here tried to say that since she bought the phone SO was unable to even touch it. Yeah that's funny. Ontop of it before he even took it away the kid left it on the table. The phone rang right behind the child's head and she didn't answer it because she's a child. BM instantly called SO yelling to which he said he hadn't even touched it yet. She demanded to talk to the children and asked the kid what happened. She was told the same thing by the kid. She shut up in less than a week when she saw she wasn't getting her way.
I think the same will happen with the cops. Sooner or later they will see nothings wrong. They may still come out as a formality but laugh about it. The intrusion is annoying BUT over all it's not worth letting it impact how you run your home.
I would not care one iota
I would not care one iota whether momeee called the police for a well child check.
Unless you ARE locking the girls in a cage.. who cares if the police show up at your door.
"hello officer"
"Hello sir, we are here to do a wellness check on two minor children, their mother called because she hasn't been able to get in touch with them".
"Hmm..that's odd (pulls cell phone out of pocket).. My EX hasn't tried calling me. I'm their father and this is my visitation time. The girls lost their cell phones privileges as a consequence so that may be why mom is worried about not reaching them. HEY GIRLS... come on down here"
"See officer.. safe and sound...Unfortunately I had to be the bad guy and take their phones because they weren't using them wisely... But,we are their parents not their friends right?.. But as you can see, they are here and just fine. It's not always easy to have an EX.. if ya know what I mean right?"
The police WILL tire of her groundless complaints. Unless you are violating the CO...not a lot anyone can do...phone privileges are just that.. not a right or a life necessity.
That is just crazy...I can't
That is just crazy...I can't believe BM called the cops because your DH took their skids phones away. She could've just called DH's phone if she was so worried about her precious snowflakes. What a psycho. You have a right to not have cell phones in your house if you do not want them.
Normal and yes I understand
Normal and yes I understand how upsetting it is. Also BM is projecting. In other words she is the one who doesn't want to spend the money OR take the kids out. So it's twisted around at dh. A lawyer would say GOOD glad mom did it. And leave it at that.
Try to look at it that way. It's hard.
My dh would have responded OK BM GREAT looks like you want to buy new customs as opposed to all the stuff we have here. That's ok with me. HEY if you want to send me pics I would appreciate it. Lets make a plan that I TAKE them out Halloween next year 2018. Sound good? Hope they can try to have fun tonight . BYE
Yes, I was so hoping his
Yes, I was so hoping his response would of been, "please pick them up and show them a good time!!" Especially since we had them an extra 2 nights this past week due to her "car problems" But no, he kept them and they figured out a costume.
We have 3 older girls and so many costumes and make up, wigs, accessories there is absolutely no reason to add to the collections with more costumes.
Plus DH is running low on cash and actually wants us to look at splitting up our bills a different way "because he's always broke" I'll be posting on that to get all of your responses before I agree to anything.
Even if he wasn't running low
Even if he wasn't running low on cash it doesn't matter. The kids had enough that's it. Glad he stuck to it.
Oh no no no...you give them
Oh no no no...you give them what they want and its NEW costumes bought by all and wonderful mom ONLY SHE can offer the best Halloween ever. DONT YA KNOW.
We don't have this issue yet
We don't have this issue yet because the kids are so young but I would do everything in my power to stop it. Not sure how without causing even more headaches though so if you figure it out tell us.
I'd do as the other's said. Inform mother that the kids have plenty of options but if she feels the need to buy them something new then more power to her.
There is nothing wrong with having them wear and old costume. It's one night and it's ridicules to HAVE to buy something new every year. I was a clown, witch, or vampire most years because my parents would spend a dollar on face makeup and just use old stuff / what was around the house. It was fine. Once I got out there it didn't matter. Heck the year my parents could afford some fancy costume I didn't even wear the mask because it was so uncomfortable. I know they LOVED that one.
Both skids were like this,
Both skids were like this, but especially SS19. There were way too many instances to count, but the two majors I can remember were when we had SD at the house (skids were maybe 9 and 10?) and wanted to get our Christmas tree, it was like 10 degrees that day with a windchill below zero. We lived next door to a Christmas tree farm, so we bundled up, ran over quick, picked one out and then DH cut it down and hauled it over. We decorated half of it and then left the rest for SS to finish up when he got done with cult church with his BM. Well apparently that wasn't good enough. He went home and tattled and BM called DH and it was all MY fault??! It turned into ME not thinking about SS.. that I took SD to work with me for bring your DAUGHTER to work day and not him (um you're a BOY!), and I took her and friend to the movies and not SS (um he was sick on the couch with MONO!) BM gave DH this big lecture VM about how I was being insensitive and blah blah blah. I called her and told her to leave the parenting 101 to someone who's unsupervised kid hadn't fallen out of a third story window, or who's unsupervised kid hadn't had a 3rd degree burn on his hand from an unattended iron. Of course she didn't like that, and it got ugly and that was the beginning of the end of any "relationship" we were going to have.
Then one time a couple of years ago SS called DH because he wanted some money. Dh said he wasn't just going to hand it to him, that he could come and earn $10.00 and hour doing odd crap around the house. The odd crap consisted of some weed wacking and a little bit of mowing. SS only managed to accomplish 4 hours of work in 2 days and DH gave him $50.00. The MINUTE DH dropped him off, BM was texting DH telling him that the next time he should hire "a Mexican" and why did SS do ALLLLL this work and not get paid for it??? blah blah blah. STILL tattling at 16 years old! And BM STILLLL babying him. That probably explains why he's 19 now and a high school drop out, who has no job, no car, and sits around smoking dope and playing video games all day.
That happens all the
That happens all the time...although only from one SS. And he usually does it to cover his own ass after he's embarrassed or he's done something wrong.
The worst instance was when DH found out that SS was playing a video game he's not allowed to play (BM lets him play, but their parenting plan specifically states that the children will neither play nor be exposed to video games rated MA. BM added this, but then her new husband is a gamer, so the kids are allowed to play whatever they want in the comfort of their own rooms with the door closed and have been allowed to do that since age 7, when the divorce was finalized). SS knew that DH was going to be upset, so he told BM "Dad told me that he's going to force me to live with him when he gets his new house." BM sent an angry group email to DH's family and her family saying she couldn't believe DH would tell the children that they were going to live with him and she would "take action" if she needed against "the both of you".
DH has told this SS that he needs to stop "creating drama between me and your mother." I think DH should cancel their phones. We pay for them and we purchased the phones, so BM has no grounds for complaint.
My 2 (almost) SD's do the
My 2 (almost) SD's do the same. We were on vacation and I got a text from their BM asking me to call her right away cause the girls called to say we weren't feeding them. LMAO - they are 15 and 17. We had just gotten to the fancy hotel and had to wait awhile to be checked in. The 15 yr old announced that she's STARVING (even tho she ate a HUGE breakfast about 2 1/2 hrs prior). Her dad told her, "you have money - go get a snack if you want". He had been telling them frequently leading up to this vacation that he would give them money that they can spend how they want and once its gone, it gone. Well, they went off with cousins and he & I went into one of the lounges and got snacks & drinks of our own. They walked in, saw we were eating and promptly called their BM. I asked them about the text and they both denied knowing what it was all about. So, I made them stay while I called their mother and put her on speaker. They couldn't deny it any more and I just told her, of course we're feeding them...are you seriously asking that question? Then I just told her what happened, hung up and told them I better not get another call or text like that again. Case closed.
DH told the skids years ago
DH told the skids years ago that if they needed something from him to ask him. If he got a call from BM saying that they needed something they would not get it from him.
He told them he was tired of always having BM calling him complaining that he wasn't doing something or wasn't buying something.
He said he was done with it!
Then he did something AMAZING! He stood by his word. When BM called saying SD HAD to have a rental car or she wouldn't be able to get to school, DH said then I guess you'd better rent her a car.
When BM called saying that SS was starving to death at school because DH wasn't sending enough money, DH said then you'd better send him some money for food.
When the skids finally did call, he talked with them about what it was that they needed and he got it for them.
It took a couple of tries but eventually BM stopped calling with demands.
I wish my DH would say that
I wish my DH would say that to his kids...but I'm not holding my breath.
Your DH must not feel guilty over his divorce...or must have come to terms with his guilt.
I'm not sure what it is. I
I'm not sure what it is.
I don't think he feels guilty. BM wanted the divorce, he was happy to give it to her, he didn't want to be with her anymore. I think he would have stayed married and unhappy for a lot longer. He just worked more and didn't spend any time at home with her.
He definitely isn't pushed around by his kids. He has done somethings that have made me crazy but he seems to understand that he had to parent if he wanted his kids to grow into happy healthy adults.
Manipulation, nothing more,
Manipulation, nothing more, they know they can play Dad and Mum off against each other and get what ever they want...
This is why I say, co-parenting is a bliss, if DH and BM can agree on communication without blame...
eg. DH getting costumes, skids tells BM - he's not, she should call and say, hey DH get the kids for phone conference, now the girl tells me you refuse to get them costumes? DH, No BM we already got them loads of things... see skids are right there and on the spot....
next time BM parents them and they don't like it, they will call Dad BM did this or that, Dad calls BM, conference call with skids...
BM the girls tells me xxxxx, BM, no the real story is yyyy, then both parents say to them, for talking crap both are grounded for a week and both parents stick to it..
You only have to do this twice and the kids will change, cause their manipulation power is taken away