I don't know the whole story but if there is not a psychological issue such as Autism, MR, or something like it then stop playing around. Call the cops on him or get him inpatient. This extreme destructive behavior is not a joke and waiting on a therapist is not enough at this point. He needs serious help.

Sounds like he has LOB (Lack of Belt)
IMHO he knows what he is doing and is getting a kick out of controlling you.
the job of protecting the youngest SS is not yours. It is his FATHER'S
you cannot care more than the bio parents--it WILL backfire on you.

Have you considered your DH and the violent SS living elsewhere? It's not fair to make your younger SS live in a home where there is tension and violence. Would your DH consider sending the older SS to a residential facility?

Cecilia,I've just gone back and read your blogs and the picture they paint is not good. Only a little over a month ago your husband told you he doesn't love you anymore, your stepson has had you in a chokehold and you describe a litany of injuries to you and DH at the hands of SS. You are waiting for a "damn good psychologist ".. let me tell you, I am a psychologist and a damn good one. This is family violence and by your husband preventing you from taking action to prevent you being physically assaulted this is close to domestic violence by proxy.

By you both not getting this young man the help he needs, or giving him indirect approval to continue what he is doing, you are doing him a disservice. Disabling him . Not to mention keeping a younger child in an unsafe situation, is abusive. Older SS needs to be placed in a facility for a period of intensive psychological and psychiatric intervention.

He is still young enough that this intervention could change the course of his life for the better. The longer this is delayed/ignored by daddy the greater the chance that he will be doomed to a life of involvement in the criminal justice system. Also don't wait for the yss or yourself to be seriously injured. Your husband will not do what is required to protect you or yss.

Do what needs to be done yourself. Call the police every time or leave or report the situation to child protection or all of the above.
This is sad because OSS CAN possibly be helped with proper treatment , YSS CAN be protected by physical assault, as can you. BUT it requires action by somebody.

Frankly, if I knew who and where you are, I'd be on the phone with CPS right now to get YSS out of that house. This is not a venting situation, it is a situation that absolutely requires action. I for one don't think I can handle reading another of your posts unless it's to tell us you've done something. As in, "he kicked in the door, so I called the cops."

Why haven't you called the police???

I find it strange that you feel that you are the only one who can protect your youngest stepson. This seems a little self-glorifying. You can shield this kid from physical harm but you are forgetting about the psychological impact it is having on him seeing his older sibling’s violent behavior being tolerated by his father (as shown by him being allowed back into the home, no police called). No child should grow up in a home where someone is exhibiting signs of Intermittent explosive disorder and just hoping that when the next fit of rage sets in, someone is there to stand between him and the violence.

What is your husband’s reaction to you feeling that you are the only one who is protecting his youngest child from physical violence by using yourself as a human shield?

I just went and copied and pasted my comment to your last blog about SS and his violence... because maybe you didn't see it before? Or maybe you are trying to somehow justify allowing this to continue?

"So if he's 17 and you say he's your "oldest" step son, I'm assuming that means there is another younger child in the home? This is so very wrong and this kid needs to go in-patient somewhere, be it a RTF, BSU, somewhere other than your home. And if your husband won't do it, I'd call CPS my damn self."

Your DH (and you) are doing your younger SS a huge injustice by subjecting him to this violence and ridiculous behavior by OSS. You hanging around in a loveless marriage and playing human shield is NOT a valid "solution" to this problem.

Be really wary of a tendency to replace feelings of love and respect with feeling useful and needed. Codependency is an awful trap.

You need to explain to your husband in very clear terms that forcing his son to get help is the greatest act of love he can give him. It is our duty as parents to keep our children safe and your oldest SS is actually as unsafe as the rest of you. It's such a tragic and complex situation buy you can't lose sight of the fact that you would not hesitate to call an ambulance if your husband fell to the floor with chest pains so why would you hesitate when SS so obviously needs urgent help? You do NOT need to feel guilty for calling the authorities. You will not be the first family to need this kind of help...not by a long shot. Place your trust in specialist professionals, including the police. That's exactly what they are there for! I hope you find a way forwards.