DH doesn't want my kids coming over any more than they "should"
We have had my Sds full time for about a month now since their mother has gotten herself fired and evicted. This means they are ALWAYS at our house, except for this past weekend where BM came and took them for the weekend at a friend's house she is staying at. DH usually has 50/50 custody. His schedule is Wed, Thurs and every other weekend drop offs done at school
My schedule with my kids is every other week starting at around 5pm on Sunday. Whoever has the kids, drops them at that parent. Since we have had DH's kids all these extra days, I've been letting my kids come over earlier on Sunday and come on other days that they are technically not supposed to be there. DH seems to have a problem with this and voiced his annoyance that my girls seem to be at the house more than they should be. Yesterday when we came back from breakfast and running to the store, my girls where over a couple hours earlier and he went into the house and slammed the door.
I said, "until your ex starts taking the kids back on her scheduled days and we have your kids all the time, why can't mine be here more too?" (my ex lives really close, so they can pretty much just come to whatever house after school on the bus. Also, I get along with my ex and he doesn't care what they want to do)
DH says that his kids are there because his ex is homeless and my ex has a nice house close by, that my kids don't need to be there. I said they can come whenever there are other kids there, what difference does it make? (for the record, I'm happier when my kids are there, when it's just his kids there, I am super crabby because they annoy me).
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You are their parent 24/7. I
You are their parent 24/7. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that your children are welcome in YOUR home whenever you want them to be. I would tell him the same goes for his kids. If he wants them there all the time.. that is also his choice.
Of course, you are also responsible for parenting your own kids. No dumping off responsibility on the other spouse!
This is EXACTLY how I feel!!
This is EXACTLY how I feel!! Because his EX has f-ed up her life resulting in DH getting extra time with his kids, mine should not have extra time with me because my ex is maintaining a nice home for them half the time. If I was encroaching on kid-free time, I guess I could see it being a problem, but we have kids here all the time anyway.
he says I'm being titt for tatt, but really, I want my kids here more and if his are, what difference does it make?
he says I'm being titt for
he says I'm being titt for tatt
hahahahahahah that's hilarious! Because isn't that exactly how HE is being??
Ok, BUT I can see where he might be coming from. He just went from having his kids a couple nights a week and EOWE to having them 100% of the time. He's a man, he's probably stressed out at going from part time dad to full time dad. I guess I can see where the added stress of "extra" kids for "extra" amounts of time might be wearing on him? I mean you said skids are annoying and it helps you to cope by having your kids there. Maybe?? he thinks your kids are annoying?? But doesn't want to tell you that??
Duhn duhn
Duhn duhn DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!!
Going to play devil's
Going to play devil's advocate here a bit, but first...
I totally understand and get where you're coming from. If his kids are already there, and obviously A LOT more than they would normally be, it doesn't seem like it should be a big deal if yours are also there.
On the other hand...
1. sounds like y'all each have at least 2 kids each, that many people in a house (depending on the room situation and size) could get quite crowded and that can make anyone's anxiety go up!
2. Just as you stated above for yourself, maybe your husband finds himself grouchy and not very happy when your kids are around, them coming around more than he's used to could be understandably frustrating for him
3. He's being forced to take his kids more than "scheduled", you are not (not that one reason makes it better than another, but it is just that...different)
4. Depending on his relationship with his kids, going from 50% to 100% in the blink of an eye could be stressful on any parent, there is an adjustment period
5. Did y'all used to have regular kid free times? I suppose that kid free time is basically gone now...that's hard on any relationship!
So, although I understand and feel that it's arguable for you to get your kids extra because his kids are over more. Please keep in mind that this is probably a very stressful adjustment period for everyone involved and some good communication, flexibility, and empathy will go a looooong way.
You are crabby when his kids
You are crabby when his kids are there but he is not allowed to be crabby when your kids are there. That is the double standard.
How about having a discussion with him rather than changing the rules without talking it through with him.
He is right, his kids are in a different situation, he has a moral duty to take the kids while thier mother is homeless and probably had little warning that it would happen. I had that precise scenario happen to me. We however, talked about what was happening and how that would affect our household and what we could each do to support each other.
If you want your kids there more often then you should be discussing this with your husband and working these things out together not springing longer visits on him without consultation. As your kids do not face homelessness you are able to have these discussions prior to changing thier visitation and to give him warning of when they will be there in addition to their usual visits. This is only polite and the right way to function as part of a team within your household.
I totally get this point but
I totally get this point but on the flip side why does her kids get to visit less because she didn't mate with a loser. In a way it is like getting punished for doing the right thing.
As long as the children are
As long as the children are behaving like "normal" children then he needs to deal with them being there even if his weren't. It's not only unfair but it's ridiculous. I would never try to tell my partner his kids weren't welcome in OUR home. We'd be broke up in the same breath. Sure it's hard to deal with sometimes but it's life. They are your kids and if you can get extra time with them you should.
Now if it's that they are coming over and causing all sorts of hell then it's a different issue. I mean uncontrolled aggression towards the other kids, theft, destroying stuff.
I don't care if DH is crabby
I don't care if DH is crabby because of the busy house or not, but what's good for his kids will be good for my kids.
And it's not your kids bugging him Hon, he misses his off week-ends....
why are his snowflakes special? Your kids are also COD's.... and yes if he's is there out of CO, then so can yours be there...... not your fault he married crap the first time around }:) }:)
Simply smile and tell DH - honey imagine we where married from day one and all these kids where ours... with no ex's in our lives.... how would we handle it then.
Think of activities to do for the children... out side ones, the skids really is not at fault about the worthless mother's behaviors... try and do family things.... play board games... and to keep it even.. you and skids against Dh and your kids lol.....
not really in this case, both
not really in this case, both Dh and her got use to off week-ends, cause the children were with the other parent..
Now her DH is irritated cause his is already there full time, he wants her to take care of them so he can still enjoy his semi off week-end, with her kids being there, he has to parent as well... and DH does not like that at all, he's a full time parent now and not EOWE parent... that is the whole issue
I can speak from experience
I can speak from experience and say that sometimes it isn't about the Kids in particular but about the number of kids. I had a HUGE issue with the noise level that came along with having four kids in the house vs one. I only had One child. Even when One kid is being noisy, it is not at the level of four.
I could deal with my BS...but when my three SS's came over it felt like chaos to me. The SS's were loud, constantly picking on and at each other, fighting, screaming, yelling, crying and generally making me lose my mind. The days they weren't there, I could find peace in the day. As soon as I knew they were coming I would get stressed because I knew my peace was gone for several days. I would mentally have to prepare for them to come so if they came early, stayed late or came on extra days, I was not mentally prepared. I'm not saying it was fair, just explaining how it feels when you are not used to that many kids for long periods of time.
I have been with DH for 6 years and it still bothers me to have them all home at the same time. And for the same reasons. Age did not change their behavior. I have found that when only one or two of the SS's are here, I can deal with it and actually can get to a point where I can enjoy them a bit.
Agree about number of kids. I
Agree about number of kids. I have 1 kid. When the skids were coming over it, it was usually 3 (of the 4) and it was seriously like a tornado. It was pure chaos. It was very overwhelming for me.
You know, to a certain extent
You know, to a certain extent I get it. Having a lot of kids or other people in a home when you aren't used to it can be overwhelming. However, in my mind, this sort of boils down to that being his problem and that he needs to figure out how to deal with it.
Because, it isn't at all fair to tell your partner that their (otherwise normal) child can't come over whenever that parent wants them to as long as the bio parent is the one dealing with them...feeding, parenting etc...
I say this as a SM with no bio children who came from a very small family of just my two parents and one brother. We moved so much that we didn't have lots of family around us. So, I was used to a fairly quiet home life. Then obviously had lived mostly alone or just with one other person for 15 years as an adult before I met my husband that has two girls.
So, yeah, I had to get used to being around kids.. the mess, the noise, the limitations on my lifestyle/time.
And you know what, it was my issue to deal with. I never told my DH to not get his kids because I didn't feel like dealing with the noise. So, I might plan an errand or a trip to get a pedicure or went out to groom my horses to get my alone time. I also insisted that the girls had reasonable bed times as well. It wasn't my place to tell him to limit visits with his kids.. it was my responsibility to figure out how to deal with them being around. Just like his loud and chaotic family gatherings took getting used to. I learned to slip away to decompress when it got overwhelming and with time and patience it got easier. Also, the kids got older..lol.
Thanks for all the advice,
Thanks for all the advice, really gets me thinking. I guess I did do this underhanded and I did not discuss it with him, probably because I didn't want the fight.
We have been together 8 years total, living together 5 years and married 1 year. The schedule has been very consistent except for this last year when BM has become homeless for 6 months, now she is again (all her own fault through her endless poor choices). I find myself resenting that his kids are here all the time, while mine have to keep to the schedule, the change was all my idea.
We have 5 kids total, he has 3, I have 2. His are slightly younger, so I do more parenting with them just due to his work schedule and their ages. He has limited involvement with mine.
I truly struggle with this, my husband's feeling vs. my time with my kids....
stop parenting his kids
stop parenting his kids Hon..... he's the father he can parent... slowly disengage and keep on telling the kids, Ask your Dad... especially when he's at home
I do this a lot, but I'm not
I do this a lot, but I'm not going to have my house trashed while he is sleeping on the couch, he's 3rd shift and always tired. The 3 older ones are fine, it's the 9 yr old twins that are like thing one and thing two.
As far as them brushing their teeth, showers, etc. I don't care.
teach the twins to wake him
teach the twins to wake him up..... if they want something tell them GO AND ASK DAD.....
who cares about him being tired, see he wants to have a nice life, children in the back ground, a nanny to look after them and a wife at night in bed..... nowhere did i say he wants to be a father.....
he can parent his own kids, if they destroy something, he needs to replace it, I would simply send them to their room and lock them in if I have to....
I would talk about what you
I would talk about what you can do together to make it easier to deal with having a full house more often. It's a big adjustment, but you both love your children and are going to have them around whenever you can, which means a lot of kids around a lot of the time. Talk to DH about it not being him and his kids versus you and your kids, but rather you and DH versus dealing with a house full of children (regardless of who they belong to.)
That said, I would never let DH stop your kids from coming over or make you feel guilty about it. You don't want an us vs them dynamic with your DH and his kids, but it is up to him whether or not it happens, because I assume you will pick your kids every time.
I'm simply taken aback that
I'm simply taken aback that anyone would have anything to say about how much you are around your own children. As much as I hated when skids came to visit, I never once said they can't be around more or he can't see them. These are your children. He acts like they are a sibling or a friend coming around. If they aren't on drugs or causing issues, what's the deal? Jealous much?
ETA: I also agree with others that I would pull back on parenting his kids. He seems to be a bit spoiled. He gets his way while you are flexible. There is no reason why your kids can't come around. Maybe you should have discussed it first, but you didn't. It happens. Your children have every right to be around more though.