Did you ever go to therapy?

Gunner - if she's not going on vacation with you she does not have to pay for half... It's how she sees it,

fine pay for your own vacation and as from the 1st of June she is responsible for paying half of the house hold expenses and well 100% of all her own accounts, nothing to do with you

but yes you've got some thinking to do...

Good for you.

I get that being in a step situation can be frustrating at times, but your wife has not acted like an adult for a single second. Adults in relationships talk. None of this passive "fine" bullshit. Go and enjoy your vacation with your kids. I can't remember, do you solely own the home? Be prepared for changed door locks when you get back.

I've left the house when my SS is there. I've also asked my husband to take his visits elsewhere. I most definitely wasn't passive aggressive about it. We discussed this decision with a therapist before it was actioned. Gunner your wife is a very passive aggressive person and I don't think she's being open or honest with you. I do think it's time to consider a separation of households.

Not even stepping into this again. Gunner is dead set on seeing his kids as perfect, respectful angels and hers as annoying brats no matter what. His wife went away for the weekend with her kids...just like he took his away over the weekend without any discussion in his last post. What's the difference? Last vacation, his angel kids refused to play with her kids or blend in any way...and that was perfectly fine with him. No wonder she doesn't want to go and pay for that kind of treatment this year.

Gunner - enjoy that vacation. My hope for your wife is that she gets the gumption to move out while you're gone. If not, I do think you should rethink how you do bills...but I hope that means that you'll be paying for half of groceries, household items, and extras as well.

Wait, would you rather she stayed around and acted like a witch to your kids? Count your blessing man, and just ask her to give you a heads up next time before leaving, but that she is welcome to go for the weekend when your kids are around.

I swear, we are having a lightbulb moment as to what disengagement (with a large splash of passive aggressiveness which I don't approve of but don't know how much pent up resentment and anger there is) looks like from the husband's point of view.

She doesn't want to be around your kids, period. You can't MAKE her want to spend family time with you all, so if she wants to live separate lives when you have your kids over, let her. Better than subjecting your kids to someone who doesn't want to be around them.

Acratopotes, If I remember rightly Gunner has paid for the vacation for and her children as well. So yes she should pay him back for the cost of her portion of the cost as she the one who has decided that she not going. I'm assuming Gunner can not get a refund due to the late notice of going.

Gunner she saying loud and clear that she does not want you children involved in your life.

We told you on your previous threads, read them again. She all lovely dovey when it just you and your wallet. As soon as your children are the she is the biggest b*tch going.

Have a relaxing time on vacation with your kids.

Continue going to therapy...continue to invite wife to join you.

Hopefully this too shall pass and all differences and be resolved or at least agree to disagree.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Men are often not as detail oriented as women are...so there obviously may be more deets that we don't know that play both out as to be wrong here.
Gunnner, I will say this: this tit for tat that you and your DW are playing is just playing tug of war on a short rope. It will get you no where. Ever. Who went on this vacation, who cooked who's kids breakfast and refused to give the other's food. Who pays this bill and that. You both are putting your children in the middle of your marriage issues and using them as ammo against the real problem which seems to be both of you and how to solve issues and communicate.

Your wife SEEMS, by what you've described, not care enough to talk about this in regards to what you can do better...she just want to throw a tantrum. Hopefully therapy on your own may be able to shed some light on why she's acting this way and perhaps give you better skills on communicating with each other. Or perhaps how your approaches to her and your marriage problems may be what's not getting you anywhere. At least you can say you did what you could to save your marriage. If she's unwilling, it's time to close the wallet and go. She made it before you came along, she can do it again.

Gunner, your situation generates a great deal of disagreement here. It's kind of remarkable how polarized the opinions are.

Count me as one who is becoming suspicious of your wife. Previously I felt quite neutral, that both of you needed to communicate better and be more transparent with each other.

But now for me the BS is stacking up higher and higher on your wife's side.

!. Tossing her little daughter's private matters on the altar of getting her way.
2. "Her way" was cutting your kids out of vacation.
3. A last minute move, when the vacay had been planned for awhile.
4. Refusing counseling.
5. Making rules for your kids that don't apply to her kids.
6. Failing to intervene when you applied the rules to her kids then springing a trap to keep you in the dog house.
7. Allowing you to cook for her kids 5 nights a week, week-in week-out, then laying out a tasty spread on Sat morning and blocking your kids.
8. You pay her personal debts such as student loan and kids' cell phones but she's going to withhold the vacay money, a pittance compared to what you provide for her and her kids.
9. Disappears with no word.

Storming out of the house after your kids have been denied breakfast is in no way shape or form the same as disappearing for the weekend when there has been no true provoking incident. Not even close. She knew damn well what would happen when she laid out the giant spread and barred the skids. She wanted him to storm out with skids.

Gunner, I hope your ducks are in a row because she may very well be planning more surprises for you. Like possession of your home when you return, locks changed. She may demand child support from you because some courts have held that stepparents who were providing during a marriage have to keep providing. You may consider cutting off those kiddie cell phones now, before she potentially files. You can tell her you need the money for vacay. Start establishing you are no longer providing for her kids so you have a chance if she tries to lay CS on you. And for heaven's sake let her pay her own student loan!

Sorry you're going through this, Gunner. Keep up with the counseling. It will take the counselor a bit of time to know you before s/he can come up with some good advice so keep going.

Y'all both have your fingers on the launch button, and unless you both stop elevating the DEFCON level this relationship ends in Mutually Assured Destruction.

Sorry, I watched War Games last night. But the analogy stands.

I am the breadwinner in my household. I do my best to try and not hold the finances over my SO's head. I DO get irritated if I am made to feel like I should pay for groceries and dining out all the time for the whole family because I make more ( SO, his 2 kids and me ( my DD does not live at home anymore ). I already cover the majority of the household bills and I fine with that.

I get why Gunner is upset with his Wife's behavior. She wants to pick and choose what benefits her and ignore the rest. She wants to disengae , but still have him help support her kids. All that will do is create tension and resentment in a relationship.

Gunner, Help me understand some things.

You pay for your stepkids and your kids to be in the same private school. Is that correct?
Is the house yours alone or did you buy it together after marriage?
You said you take care of your kids biomom's expenses too. I assume that is beyond normal child support. How do you contribute to your kids at BM's house beyond normal child support? In what ways?
How long ago did you and your wife marry?
How long ago did each of you divorce?
Where is the biodad for your stepkids? Do the stepkids ever go to their dad?
Does your wife get along with any of your kids more or less than the other(s)?
Did your wife come into the marriage with significant debt or are the credit cards you pay debts racked up during the marriage? What was her lifestyle like before she married you?
She has used the word "deserved" in regards to your kids several times. It seems she was trying to get two of them to not be able to come on vacation. Any chance those two annoy her more?
"Deserved" doesn't always mean that they don't have good enough grades or behave well enough. Sometimes it is more subtle, like they act entitled and subtly disrespectful. Do you see a way that any of your kids might appear entitled or seem to demand things that are not appropriate?
Example: My SS16's BM recently asked for a car (supposedly for SS16) that is newer than the car I drive and newer than the car husband drives. She of course wants my H to pay for it. SS16 always has to have the latest cell phone and is very competitive. He never emails me but will email me to brag about his new cell phone at least once a year when he upgrades. Those things can be very subtle if it is your child, but as a parent you can also be blind to it.

When we first married there was a time when this happened a lot in my marriage. My SS needed a lamp for his room, according to H. So when we were out shopping for the whole home (just him and I), my H would hurry through the "whole house needs" shopping and grab whatever was cheapest. But then he would say I want to get the nicest lamp possible for SS, so he is happy. My H was used to buying love from SS and while I am low maintenance and don't need the fanciest things, I was very offended that he spent 15 minutes looking for the perfect lamp for a 12-year old (at the time) when he really didn't pay any attention to the quality of other items we bought.

Another time we were at a bakery, eating breakfast. SS threw a fit and said he didn't want to eat there, he wanted to eat in the car. He demanded that his Dad sit with him in the car and ate there too. And he did! I don't jump when an 11-year old says jump, so I sat down inside the bakery and ate my breakfast. At some point my H realized he was eating uncomfortably in the car dropping crumbs and making a mess and came inside, making SS come inside too. He was angry and nasty the whole time and my H felt terribly guilty.

My H is no longer being manipulated by his child.

Any chance you recognize some of these kinds of behaviors in your children? It sounds like you have a lot of money and they may be used to getting what they want when they want it and possibly even bragging about it in a way that can really irritate others, but you may not notice anymore because you are used to it and they are your kids, so everything seems endearing.

You asked about a men's group... Look up the book/website No More Mr Nice Guy. It's a book about "nice guys" who need to work on boundaries and expectations in their lives. They have online support groups and even online coaching and counselors. I have seen some men's lives and self esteem transformed when they realize the ways in which being a "nice guy" have backfired on them and learned to stand up for themselves assertively and without passive aggression.

If I were you I would go on vacation like you all planned. She can join you or not. If she does not give you access to the vacation fund, then 1) never let that be a way she "contributes" again and 2) the budget should be adjusted such that each of you contributes somewhat equally to combined expenses and each shoulders their own personal expenses.