Don't want to go home.
Tomorrow I end my vacation, pack my kids up and head home in to uncertainty. I hate that this is what my marriage has become. Before I left I sat my wife down and talked to her. Based on advice I got from my other board and here I once again asked for half our vacation fund and was told no. So I let her know that starting in June she would be responsible for her and her children's bills. I will still pay the household bills and we can split groceries. I also let her know I was using the money I set aside for her kids private school next yr to pay for vacation and I will no longer pay for anything that involves them. If she wants to disengage from my kids then I would like to for hers. It isn't tit for tat. I don't always care for my step kids and their bratty behavior. I did all of that for my wife but now she is shutting my kids out and frankly I am relieved I don't have to do for hers anymore. Financillay and emotionally I will be better off just caring for my own and not worrying about hers. I'm not sure how this will work. I've always paid for everything. Do we just do separate bills at restrauants now?
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What did she say? I have a
What did she say?
I have a feeling you won't have to worry about restaurant bills for a while.
She had lots to say before I
She had lots to say before I brought up bills and money. She said she was done with my kids and that the chaos they bring is detrimental to her children. She said she plans on leaving when my kids are here and she said she didn't want then here this summer. After she had her say, I had mine and she looked stunned. I didn't leave time for discussion after I finished and we haven't talked. We both made our thoughts clear and my kids will be here for the summer.
I would be shocked if she's
I would be shocked if she's even there when you get back.
My husband and I do not pay
My husband and I do not pay for each other's kids. He pays the mortgage, I pay the utilities and buy the food, other than that, we have our finances totally separate. If we go out to eat, we take turns picking up the check, it's not totally even, but we are married so we don't have to be that tit for tat.
Before DH and I combined our
Before DH and I combined our finances, we each paid our own bills and split the household bills 50/50. I paid for food because he pd CS. We took turns paying if we went out. Or I'd pay for the movie and he'd pay for snacks. Something like that. Honestly, I wish we never combined finances. I didn't realize how much he spent ALL the time.
This is why I refuse to
This is why I refuse to combine finances. He is a spender and I'm a saver. I have a savings account he knows nothing about, if I didn't do this, we would have nothing for when we really do need money.
Your situations sounds
Your situations sounds exactly like mine and SO. We split the bills (he' pays a little more-- but makes more) and we take turns on dinners.
My SO is such a spender. I'm the saver too. Its nice seeing someone else do this too.
I would never combine
I would never combine finances with SO. Not even the house we live in. If we did, and he passed away, BM would have no issue trying to take what ever she could in the name of her skids, leaving me with next to nothing.
I bought the house.
He pays his CS.
We each pay our own bills.
We split the house hold bills.
We take turns buying groceries. I buy more because my son lives here and he gives me money for board.
The house is in my name only.
The house is in my name only. Thankfully.
I am thankful too. I bought
I am thankful too. I bought and paid for it. My name is the only one on the deed.
Gunner - none of this sounds
Gunner - none of this sounds good at all. The fact that you don't even want to go home is a huge sign that it's over. Sorry, but I've heard that is a huge sign
Honestly I think that you'll
Honestly I think that you'll get home and it will go one of two ways....
1) she will suck up and try to be nice, because you've pulled the plug on her moneytrain - it will last a while...then it will be a subject to fight about.
2) she will have made arrangements to leave altogether.
I agree too.
I agree too.
Agreed
Agreed
AS, he answered that up
AS, he answered that up towards the top, he says "I didn't leave time for discussion after I finished and we haven't talked."
this is just a $#!tty situation.
Gunner, good for you for
Gunner, good for you for splitting finances, and no paying for her loans. I am sure it was something of a shock that you would take this big of a stand - its a pretty tough line and you drew it. But she drew a REALLY hard line with you as well, without so much as blinking she dictated to you how you would have the summer without your children.
Whether your children are horrible or not, if she is done with them, she is done, that is on her. It is fair that you are done paying for hers, too. So now you will need to see what happens when you arrive home. My prediction is that she will be very nice, now that you have laid it on the line with respect to the money division. Her bills and her children are now her responsibility. I do not know or foresee where your marriage is going, but I do understand the parental loyalty towards their own children.
She said yours are creating chaos. But she didn't say abusive, so I am not too sympathetic about that. If she is overwhelmed, she should have said that, instead of just being "done with your kids, and they are not spending the summer with you."
Good luck, keep us posted.
Fo sure, keep us posted!
Fo sure, keep us posted!
You handled it well, Gunner.
You handled it well, Gunner. She owed you the courtesy of being open with you about your kids a long time ago. I have been open with dh about his awful daughter (ss is great) and it has a been a big challenge for our relationship but it has actually made us stronger. Neither one of us is happy about how things have turned out in re her but we have both tried very hard and we acknowledge and appreciate that in each other. I did not suck it up endlessly and then underhandedly try to cut this girl out while accepting largess all the while. DH knows where I stand with his daughter and his choice to stay with me is fully informed.
You have also offered her the chance to work on it with professional help and she has declined to participate in this dialogue.
The only thing left is for you to set boundaries which you have. You set perfect boundaries. Of course she was stunned because she is not accustomed to that from you.
Either she will have used this time apart for some serious introspection and greet you with a new openness to considering her part in your marital struggles or she will be figuring out how to get what she wants in spite of your new firmness with boundaries. There are a dozen ways to skin that cat (the second option). Hopefully it will be the former. She sounds like someone who is used to getting her own way through indirect means. It will be hard for her to change but she can do it. You certainly got her attention with the money.
It IS difficult to live with someone else's children. I totally sympathize with her. But she has not shown empathy or fairness that you are in the same position and she has used immature methods to gain advantage. So please hold firm. And please keep checking in with us to let us know how things are going.
Good luck today.