For your reading pleasure (get ready to cringe).

Backstory: This was after the Girhippo had called CPS on us and then successfully stopped visitation, thus PASing out the oldest two--at the time, stb 7yr old YSS still came to visitation:

Disclaimer: This is not a blog for those stepmoms who have cooperative DHs and who are a “united front” for the skids; those who have cordial relationships with the BMs; possibly going shopping at the mall with them for the skid’s school clothes and stopping to chat over a starbucks venti mochalattechino. The ones whose skids show respect to all adult parties involved and are enrolled in the honour society.
If you believe that all step/blended families are this way, please do not read any further

Thanking you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

Now for the other 98% of stepmoms, here is this past weekend’s accounting of the Prince Hygiene’s (YSS stb 7) visit.

I come home Friday and as usual, the TV is blaring Spongebob and Prince Hygiene is attempting to eat a full sized hotdog all at once without chewing while simultaneously kicking the table leg rhythmically with his gulping. Chef has had one too many as it is Friday and he’s “relaxing.”

Soon after and with sticky hands, Prince Hygiene puts on his (daddykin’s fav football team) jersey and memorabilia helmet (with daddykin's fav football team logo) and says “DAAADDDDEEEE, you need to BUY me shoulder pads and everything so I can become a (daddykin's fav football team) PLAYER!! I swear this kid has sucking up down to a fine art; Daddykins says “when you get older” I try not to roll my eyes as the last time they froze past my upper lids.

I have purchased a 2 litre bottle of root beer for Prince Hygiene to keep him away from the hideous diet coke.
Chef: “Put it in the frig”
(I’m hoping just to put ice cubes in the rootbeer so I’ll have more room in the frig)
Me: “I hope I can fit this in the frig”
Chef: “you can make room” (very sarcastically and condescendingly)
Me: “well I could but there is a whole 24 cans of beer in here.”
Chef: “that’s the way it SHOULD be; I’m number ONE around here!”
Me: “there’s no I in team”
Chef ignores me and acts pissed that I have challenged his “standing” in the household.

He tries to anger me by allowing Prince Hygiene to do/watch anything he wants on TV thus going back on his earlier proclamations. The “ICARLY” show comes on and Chef snuggles with Prince Hygiene on the sofa watching teenage idiots teehee about the next school adventure :sick:

Ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click, ka-click

What is that NOISE? Is it the frig? The dishwasher? No, it’s Prince Hygiene repetitively opening and closing an old, unused cell phone for about 20 min straight while staring at ICarly.

Soon, Prince Hygiene whips open the freezer (SLAM!) and gets his beloved ice cream out; I give him sprinkles to keep him from dousing it in choco syrup. I’m watching so he eats it at the table while kicking the table leg.

Chef soon passes out on the sofa and falls into a deep coma like sleep of course it is now 8:45 and Prince Hygiene is still watching TV; and now Prince Hygiene tries to lie down on the sofa snuggling up with Daddykins for the night. I say “off to bed” and see Prince Hygiene into bed. I don’t make him brush his teeth because frankly, he never does and his dad never makes him; as you'll see later, it's a good thing I didn't.

The next morning Prince Hygiene takes a 20 min soapless shower. I say to Chef: “how does Prince Hygiene take a shower w/o soap?”
Chef: “I honestly don’t know” and shrugs it off.
Prince Hygiene and Chef head out to Donut Chain Store to get a donut and return soon; I get a full accounting of all their travails later that day, but while waiting for my old co-worker to arrive to go to the craft fair, Chef tells me he has purchased Prince Hygiene a pedal cart for $50 in lieu of the soap box racer he was making.

My friend pulls up and Prince Hygiene assails Chef with questions “where is SHE going?” (word for word what SD stb 11 used to say) I hate when children call adults “she” or “he” but I digress. I get to my co-worker’s car; now mind you I’ve said little to nothing about Prince Hygiene to her; she’s had health problems and I didn’t want to dwell on the negative.

Friend: “MY that’s a unbelievably HOMELY child; a face only a MOTHER could love; and he’s only 6 ½??”

Me: Yes, as you can see he’s easily the size of a 10 year old.
Prince Hygiene was giving me and my friend a hate stare out of this world; a mix of arrogance, entitlement and smirking; no blinking whatsoever. He was shirtless so his fat rolls bulged out like the Michelin man on his new pedal cart.

Friend: “Oh my that’s quite a stare he’s giving us; you just want to slap his face!!”

Me: “Well if Chef wasn’t looking I’d go up to him and tell him it’s rude to stare but it’s all lost on him anyway”
My friend and I have a lovely time at the craft fair. 6 ½ hours of Prince Hygieneless fun!

When I get back my friend meets Chef and wonders how a good looking man like that can have such an UGLY child. I tell her he takes after his MOM (the Girhippo).

Dinner rolls around and Prince Hygiene wants his special junk food meal again; Chef tells him we are having grilled chicken. Side note: When I first had Chef move in with me, he told me that his kids didn’t eat anything with grill marks on it. Here I was happily grilling them hots and hamburgs and Chef said “oh no, they won’t eat THAT and proceeded to wash and peel the cooked items so the grill marks would come OFF! I was astonished needless to say; wasn’t aware that children could be ALLOWED to be THAT PICKY
Prince Hygiene sees grill marks on the chicken and after I tell him to eat his chicken (this after his “amusing” story about the “corn eating contest” at “my family’s house”) he says to Chef “it has grill marks on it”
Chef: “peel off the grill marks and eat the chicken”
Prince Hygiene pokes at it and ends up eating mostly corn, skipping everything else.
Prince Hygiene lets out an ear splitting belch.
Me: “say excuse me”
Prince Hygiene gives me a look as if to say “drop dead bitch” ignores me by looking down and continues to eat.
Chef: “say excuse me”
Prince Hygiene sheepishly says "excuse me."
Prince Hygiene to me: “my dad doesn’t say excuse me when he burps”
At this point I’m thinking “which ‘dad’ StepDaddyBigBucks or Chef?”
Chef: “yes I do”

Soon the subject is dropped.
Chef mentions the Girhippo’s name in conversation and the Prince Hygiene’s ears perk up (usually he'll ignore anything said because he always asks “what??” when we tell him to do something or ask him a question, to which I never respond; Chef caves, however and repeats the request)
Prince Hygiene to Chef: “You were married to my mom once”
Chef: “that’s right”
Prince Hygiene: “But not anymore”
Chef: “yes”
And on with the conversation; the older skids have been told by the Girhippo that Chef was the cause of the divorce and that “good people” never get divorced. Chef did set the older two straight but hasn’t set the record straight with Prince Hygiene yet.

Out of earshot of the Prince Hygiene Chef told me what happened while I was with my friend at the craft fair. They had not gone to the older skid’s football game; Chef recalled the scripted crap that SD sent directed by the Girhippo, that he wasn’t just a pen pal but the father. (Editor’s note: HMMMMM too bad he doesn’t ACT like a father and take back control from the Girhippo)

Prince Hygiene tried interrupting our next conversation: “DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD,!!”

Me to Prince Hygiene: “WAIT!” Prince Hygiene did not like it that he was reminded not to interrupt again; it was clearly not an emergency; he just wanted to interject with mindless pablum so that I’m not talking to Chef but that he is once again the center of attention.

Chef told me that after he got the pedal cart for Prince Hygiene, he went to another store and there was a mini bike. Prince Hygiene sat on it and demanded that Chef get it for him in ADDITION to the pedal cart he was just bought.

Chef said no and Prince Hygiene had a mini tantrum complete with waterworks and everything. Chef told him that he was not getting a motorized vehicle because 1. he was too young and 2. his mother “ruined” getting a motorized vehicle forever and he’d explain when Prince Hygiene get older. (Editor’s note: I think he could have left out “#2” but what do I know? I’m just an experienced parent)

They headed to Walmart where Prince Hygiene was treated to a subway meal and then started demanding a new bike and a boat load of toys. Chef said “no we are here to get spray paint for your pedal cart.” I congratulated Chef for letting Prince Hygiene know about REALITY and that we can’t always get everything we want! A lesson better learned in childhood than adulthood!
Prince Hygiene painted his cart two different colours and Chef saw to it that he was scrubbed WITH SOAP after that!!

Prince Hygiene takes yet another 20 min shower later that day and this time KICKS IN HIS BEDROOM DOOR instead of using the door knob. Chef witnesses this and says “you know MOST people use the doorknob!” Prince Hygiene as usual ignores Chef and continues about his business. I say to Chef that it will be a MIRACLE if the Girhippo gets her security deposit back on the rented double wide. Chef tells me that's currently NOT an issue b/c since the Girhippo is requiring their new home purchase come with a pool, it has fallen through.

Sidenote: The Girhippo filed bankruptcy a year and a half ago after her pipe dream of having a biz of her own on Chef's money fell through. I guess it's rough to get a chalet in the country with a pool after that. I also think that Battleaxe Gallatica (Girhippo's BM) and her husband number 5 are getting tired of playing pool boy for the three "angels."

Prince Hygiene gets his traditional ice cream (I’ve noticed that he goes through a half gallon in two visits; super unhealthy) and somehow sneaks it into his room. Chef goes to bed and I notice the TV light flashing from Prince Hygiene’s room around 9:45 pm

I slowly open Prince Hygiene’s door thinking he was asleep; his eyes were WIDE open staring at ANIME with his ice cream bowl dripping in his bed!! I say to Prince Hygiene “it’s way past your bedtime” and turn off the tv. I take his bowl and say “by the way, we don’t eat in our rooms here, good night” and close the door.

WELL!

The next morning Prince Hygiene gets up and starts whispering to daddykins. I ask Chef what that was all about (although I already knew; the skids have a tradition of “tattling” on me when I try to establish rules and boundaries in my OWN HOUSE; HOW DARE I DO THAT!!)

Chef: “he said you went into his room without knocking and turned off his tv”
Me: “It was 9:45 so I had thought he’d fallen asleep with the TV on; I wouldn’t knock and wake him up:

Chef just shrugged it off*** I find this HYSTERICAL b/c Prince Hygiene NEVER knocks when he comes bursting in our room or in the bathroom!!!

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Girhippo calls CPS on me for this one.

Chef tells Prince Hygiene to strip his peed up bed and as he does he needs “help” He then trips over his OWN FEET in the living room b/c he is doing an “attention dance.” Chef chastises him for it.

Prince Hygiene gleefully waits for me to “get in trouble with daddykins” over last night’s “event.” When it doesn’t happen and he sees Chef talking to me like nothing ever happened, he immediately jumps in the truck and waits for his Donut Chain Store trip and to go home. Chef fetches him back to carry in some of his bags (Chef stopped being their valet/butler when I pointed it out) and off they go!

As a momento of Prince Hygiene’s visit, a giant smelly diaper has been thrown in the bathroom garbage; I know Prince Hygiene didn’t put it there b/c 99% of the time, Chef picks up after Prince Hygiene’s “strip down”

I am seriously thinking of signing up for that reality show “I Survived”

***come to find out Chef remembered this incident and used it against me several years later