At what age should kids stop busting into the bathroom on you
I'm kind of joking but also kind of wondering what others think.
SD is 9 and she comes and goes from our bedroom and master bathroom like it's no big deal. She plays and jumps around on our bed. My husband strips and gets in the shower and thinks nothing of her being in there when we're getting dressed. (She hasn't hit puberty yet and acts very much like a young 9 or an 8 year old.)
We just had SD for 9 days straight of spring break "vacation" (i.e., hell) and I couldn't get a moment's privacy.
I think what confuses this issue is DH and I have two little kids together, ages 2.5 and 1.5, so to say I'm used to being barged in on in the bathroom is an understatement. But, the little ones come in because they kind of have to- some days I wouldn't make it to work if the toddlers didn't hang out in the bathroom with me while I get showered and dressed. They require pretty much constant supervision, as toddlers do. SD is a good big sister to them. I guess she follows them into the bedroom/bathroom because we're in there- maybe she feels like she's missing out?
But I shut the door to the master bathroom when DH was in there with me over the weekend- I had just showered and he came in to talk to me- LO's were sleeping- and he was like, "What are you doing?" And I said, "I'd like a moment of privacy for once, I don't need a 9 year old coming in here with my bare a$$ hanging out" and he rolled his eyes.
Like, really? Am I being unreasonable?
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I'm thinking like 4... maybe
I'm thinking like 4... maybe 5?
I believe there is a difference between you having the toddlers in with you while you get ready so you can watch them vs a child having access to the parent's bedroom or bathroom.
Mom and Dad's room was NOT a playroom for us. Neither was their bathroom.
Even when we got up in the middle of the night, we would knock on the door or door frame and not just barge in.
I think the parents should have their rooms as their sanctuary. Children may be INVITED in, but may not come in without permission. 9 is way beyond old enough to understand that.
No, you are not being
No, you are not being unreasonable. Your room should be your oasis, even from your bios. My kids were never allowed in my room unless I invited them. That's a house rule.
No you are not being
No you are not being unreasonable. I had a talk with my BS7 when he was 5 or 6 about privacy because he used to just bust in on me whenever he felt like it and I didn't like it. Holy hell, I can't imagine if it was someone else's kid busting in on me!! Hell no!!!!
BS7 is very good about it now, sometimes he'll poke his head in and ask me something if I'm in the shower (as obviously he can hear the water running) but other than that he will wait outside or knock and ask if it's Ok to come in. AS IT SHOULD BE! Jeepers!
I agree with moving on, I
I agree with moving on, I don't think you should be getting naked in front of any kid that isn't yours and IMHO 9 years old is way to old for a daughter to be seeing her father naked.
Thanks all for the
Thanks all for the reassurance that I'm not being ridiculous.
I should add, we're not an overly modest home, but you know, we're not a bunch of nudists. It's never been a big deal with dressing/undressing in front of each other, which I'm mostly okay with. My parents weren't totally strict about their bedroom/bathroom either- there was definitely an implied understanding of when not to go in there, but it wasn't totally off limits either. I've known SD since she was 3, so I've been giving her baths for that long- now she usually showers alone (but often she opts to take a bath with the little ones instead- which is eh?) She used to come in the shower with me or change with me when we went to the pool and stuff. But the DH part- I'm starting to cringe whenever he's not fully dressed around her. I didn't know if I was being squeamish though so kind of glad to see someone else thinks this is weird.
So I guess this is probably two issues. 1) She's getting older, and this is increasingly less appropriate.
And 2) I want to set a boundary on the space, OUR space- and DH doesn't see it that way. I have a feeling he thinks this would appear to be an exclusion of SD, which is always what he fears, hence the "open-door" policy on everything. We would NEVER risk hurting SD's feelings about anything, especially when we have 2 other kids who live with us (gasp) full time.
But then I feel like I don't have anything that's sacred to DH and me. SD isn't quite a mini-wife but she intrudes on everything and she can never be alone. She inserts herself into every conversation I have with DH. With little kids/babies, you can talk about work and bills, sex/marriage and politics with them in the background (and you can tell them to stop interrupting, too!) but with a 9 year old in your face 24/7 whose feelings you don't ever want to hurt, you can't.
SO I guess, like most step issues, now that I'm writing this down, it's all a question of boundaries and how much SD is allowed to intrude on my marriage... then my DH seems puzzled as to why I'm rarely in the mood for sex when she's here. 9 days...
SD 7 is always banging on the
SD 7 is always banging on the bathroom door for me. We are very close and I know she doesn't intend to annoy me, but she just doesn't leave me alone.
I adopted my son when he was
I adopted my son when he was four. Per agency/social worker instructions, he was never permitted to see me naked. Sometimes I had to take him into a bathroom stall with me, but I had him face the door while I peed. I would say for a non-bio child, two or three years old would be the cutoff, two for opposite sex and three for same sex. I think nine is MUCH too old for seeing dad naked and vice versa, barring a life threatening emergency.
Thanks for the good advice,
Thanks for the good advice, granny.
I think at her mom's house there are probably even fewer boundaries- from what we hear, when Stepdad is out of town (half the month, in another state) SD still hops into mom's bed and sleeps with her at night. BM is definitely crazy in her own way, but both DH and BM have always shared the common goal of babying the crap out of SD. So I have no idea what she'd think if she knew. Part of me thinks she might agree, hey it's not big deal, she's a "small child." They were both calling SD "the baby" when she was 4.5 years old, almost 5.
Then there's the part of me that feels guilt over not loving SD "like my own" and actually not minding the other two being around me all the time right now, whereas I do mind SD's presence. So I'm partly at fault too because I'm scared to enforce clear boundaries out of fear that I'll send her the (accurate) message that I wish she wasn't there. And DH is probably scared of that too.
I think, time to politely have a talk about privacy with DH and SD. Thanks again.
There is a world of
There is a world of difference between a 9 yo and a 2.5/1.5 year old child.
When your older bios get to be 4 or 5, the same rules should apply to them that apply to the older SD.
Now, if the 4 of you are having a party in your room.. and the older child is excluded, that's not cool.
Explaining privacy and that the younger ones are brought to the room to be watched vs them coming in to play on their own should be a not too difficult concept to sink in.
Seriously, if she needs to come to ask you a question, you knock.
To help with that, you start teaching her that everyone knocks to go into someone else's room. You and dad knock on her door when you are coming in. model the behavior.
Hmm good point. "Now, if the
Hmm good point.
"Now, if the 4 of you are having a party in your room.. and the older child is excluded, that's not cool."
Okay- this is part of the issue. I could be giving my son his inhaler - or changing his diaper, or changing his clothes, and the 2 yr old will walk in- then they start talking or giggling and then SD wants to come in too - she's missing the party. Or, I'm giving the baby and 2 yr old a bath in the kids' bathroom upstairs, and SD will come up, strip down and jump in. She hates missing out or spending any time alone, even 5 minutes, even to shower.
My son (15 mos) slept in our room for the whole first year of his life, so his diapers, clothes and pack n play are still in our room. Partly because of American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations, but partly because SD has her own room upstairs and my husband doesnt want her to have to move or share. The little ones are sharing the other bedroom but they wake each other up at night all the time. So our son has basically been living in our room. (So much for an oasis!)
I totally agree that by the time the bios are 4-5 they will NOT be welcome in our room for any of the above reasons. The age gap and current circumstances are definitely playing a role.
Good call on the modeling behavior- we will try this. You would think this would be easy since SD has her own room- she's just never in it.
I think at the very least,
I think at the very least, getting her to knock before she comes in.. and even getting your almost 3 yo to start to do it too would be a help.
I think that at 9 she is a bit old for co-bathing. This is probably a talk dad needs to have with her. Honey, you are older and it's not appropriate for you to be bathing and getting undressed around other people.. especially adults.
It sounds like it might be hard for her to be the oldest because she sees the kids getting more attention, but maybe making her the responsible older sister role would help?
It's not appropriate at all
It's not appropriate at all and the fact that your husband rolls his eyes at you requiring privacy is worrisome. My husband was totally understanding of the fact that SD is unrelated to me, and I don't want her in my space when I'm in the bathroom/in my bedroom under any circumstances. Sometimes when she's getting ready for school (she's 5) she'll wonder into my room in the morning and I proceed to give her shit and tell her to get out NOW because I'm usually half naked in bed and I don't need my privacy invaded. It might sound mean but I don't really care.
Even if I had bios (i'm pregnant now) I wouldn't let them just walk right in. I'd probably be less annoyed if I'm being honest, because they're biologically related to me and them seeing me naked/peeing/whatever is totally different than an unrelated child who could go to BMs and say something and all the sudden i'm in trouble over it. It's just something SD will have to learn when she gets older.
Thanks for your insight- you
Thanks for your insight- you have your SD full time, right? Your perspective on this is helpful too. I imagine that without those boundaries a full-time step would be going insane.
It really is different with bio's- especially small barely capable bios that you carried inside of you for 9 months. My daughter 2.5 can be left by herself to play or eat for a bit but is potty training and you never know when she's about to disrobe and look for a potty. My son is at that highly mobile, totally unsafe and not fully verbal stage, so I really fear letting him out of my sight. But I don't ever let them sleep in our bed - though I sometimes wanted to- and that's certainly not anything I ever felt a desire to do with SD.
SD should be independent by now but she's not. She WANTS to take baths with the little ones, instead of take showers by herself.
It's just a weird dynamic. If she were my kid I don't think I'd feel bad telling her to go away- I'd totally encourage her to be more independent and lots of things I'm not doing. I tell my 2.5 yr old to stop talking when she interrupts or go upstairs and put her shoes on without my help. With SD I can't punish her or criticize her, tell her to go away, stop talking- all normal parental things, without getting that eye roll look from DH or tears or a wounded look from SD (so I don't do it.)
But the fact is SD's presence in my space is far more annoying than it could EVER be with my own two. So there's that. You'll soon see. (: Congrats on your pregnancy btw!
We do have SD full-time, all
We do have SD full-time, all the time, and I understand how annoying it can be. I truly believe, as much as I care about her, it's not natural being around someone else's child all the time. Children are annoying by nature lol. But yes, without boundaries, I'd be going insane, so my DH is big on boundaries as much as I am. He knows that while I never let SD sleep in our bed, I will want to have our children sleep in our bed once in a while. I'll have no problem taking a nap with her/him whereas that would be extremely uncomfortable with SD. He's okay with it. Fortunately she's older so we've decided together to mask this behind the age difference...
It sounds so awful to say, but of course it's going to be different, she's not my biological child and she has another mom who can easily turn things around, whether she's walking into the bathroom when i'm showering or she's napping in my bed, BM can turn that into something it's not and we have to be careful. Fortunately my husband is understanding and knows that when you're raising your child with someone who ISN'T their biological parent, it's going to be different. I feel bad, but it's not my guilt to hold onto. I love her, but i'm not about to give up any sort of closeness with my bio because I can't have that with SD.
The sleeping with a parent
The sleeping with a parent thing could easily be solved by a parent going to the child's room and snuggling up in their bed. Overall, it's probably better if no kids are sleeping in the marital bed so to speak.
I'd just switch it around,
I'd just switch it around, tell DH that SD said something about seeing the stepdads junk, get the reaction needed to make your case and then tell him it is the same thing at your home, SD is too old to see ANY man naked and since she isn't related to you she should have never seen you naked to begin with. If I had to pick the lesser of two evils I'd say it is her seeing you naked, at least you are the same sex, I can't imagine growing up knowing what my fathers penis looks like; ugh.
The day you ask them not to
The day you ask them not to anymore. (Maybe a week to enforce.)
good answer!
good answer!
Our age limit for barging in
Our age limit for barging in and closing the door when using the potty is 5 aka fully potty trained and capable of wiping and hand-washing without supervision. BS4 is learning about privacy now, but I still have to watch him wash his hands or he'll skip soap.
The day that they were capable of washing themselves in the shower safely is the day I no longer allowed either kid to be naked in my presence. DH took the same stand for SD11 at the same age I did. He prefers not to be nude in front of SS10 and makes an effort not to be, but if they are on a scout retreat and changing clothes - oh well. If SD were my actual daughter, I wouldn't care. I wasn't raised to be ashamed of nudity, but I was raised that there is a time and a place for it. Nude in front of unrelated children is inappropriate. Nude in front of children of the opposite sex from puberty onwards is inappropriate. Nudity in front of adults (whether or not they are your biological children) is a matter of mutual comfort. If both are comfortable - great! If one isn't - no nudity.
Those are my personal conventions, and have no real bearing on your conventions. But since you asked for opinions, that is mine.
I hate this topic... it's
I hate this topic... it's confirmed again... I am a bad mother.....
Deigma was never allowed into my room, even when he was crawling and he would try I stopped him and said NO... he had to wait at the door..... the older he got the easier it went, oh and the rule - if my bedroom door is closed you will not bother me, even if the house is on fire, safe yourself, I'm an adult I can safe myself...
Still today Deigma will not enter my room, he stops at the door...
Aergia on the other hand... dang that girl know now boundaries... she uses SO's room like it's her own, He thinks it's normal, I refuse to stay there because of it.... I think it stopped now, cause I refuse to sleep over, I told SO I'm not sharing a room with another woman, nor a bathroom..... oh and one week-end we returned and his bath room was a mess, I'm talking used lady product mess... think he told her enough, stay out of my room
We stopped DD at 3 when she
We stopped DD at 3 when she pointed to DH and said, "Daddy has a front butt-tail."
Growing up though, and even now, my sister, mom, and I have no problem walking in on each other in the bathroom, even naked. (We're Asian though so part of it is cultural.) Heck, my best girlfriends and I are often naked in the changing rooms together when trying on clothes (again, it's probably a cultural thing.)
So it's whatever you're used to. In my house... our DDs will probably always be busting into the bathroom on me forever and ever and ever simply because it doesn't bother me. They will stop with DH at around 3 because he's not comfortable with it.
If I had boys, the roles would be reversed, most likely.
We always respect a closed door though. So we only walk in if the door is not closed.