I can't stand Skids presence in my bedroom
Hi! 
I'm new here, even though I have been reading some posts in here for some time. I don't have any bio kids and my boyfriend has two (SD8 and SS6) with 50% custody (he has them every other week). We are not married, but have been living together for a little bit more than one year. There are so many subjects on which I need to vent that I don't even know where to start lol! But since I have to start somewhere, I'll start here:
Am I a monster for not wanting his kids to set foot in our bedroom AT ALL?
I feel like this is something I always have to fight for and am wondering if it's normal or if I'm asking too much. Before we moved in together, my BF and I spent almost all our time together, whether at my apartment or his depending on if he had his kids or not. When we were at his place, his kids would barge into the bedroom pretty much whenever they pleased (as they did before their parent's divorce, apparently), which deeply annoyed me, but it wasn't my home. I would only say something if we were in bed, or dressing up, or if I found them going through the personal belongings I was keeping there. I remember saying to my boyfriend that when we would be moving together, I would want his kids to stay outside of our bedroom.
We moved together (in a new apartment) last year. It's a very big apartment with 3 bathrooms (one of them is in the master's bedroom) and his kids each have their own bedroom. I pay half of the rent and half of the bills associated with it. I do not want his kids in our bedroom/bathroom at all because I'm an introvert with a strong need for privacy, personal space, intimacy and quiet time. I often feel suffocated when they are with us and I need a place where I can sometimes exist outside of them and feel protected from their noise, their mess, their drama, where I can keep my stuff out of their reach and where I can do whatever I please without having them stick their nose into what I am doing. Plus, they both still poop themselves frequently (no medical issue, just laziness) and tend to leave poop a bit everywhere, so I can't stand the idea of having them anywhere in my room. I know they weren't raised with much limits previously (blurred boundaries seems to have always been an issue with both bio parents), and I know that my BF doesn't feel this need, but I really need an absolute kid-free zone for my sanity. However, my BF seems to have a hard time understanding it and I feel like I am always fighting to enforce this. Even though I have to admit that things have improved within the last year (due to my non-stop stubborness), I'm tired of being the bad guy and having to make sure he doesn't invite them in, makes them use our bathroom for futile reasons or just remains passive when they decide to enter. A few days ago again, my BF seemed irritated because I wouldn't leave our bedroom while I was relaxing to let him and SD go in and make a phone call together. I had to tell him for the 1000000th time that I didn't want her in my room. Am I rude for thinking they can make their phone calls together elsewhere? Am I rude for thinking that SD doesn't need to remove her nail polish in our bathroom? For thinking his kids can use any of the two toilets available instead of ours? For thinking that master bathrooms exists to provide more privacy to the adults rather than constant come-and-go from kids? For wanting my own space (while the kids have theirs) in an appartment where I pay more than my share? For not wanting a walking poop factory on my rocking chair or on my bed? For thinking that common areas exist for a reason and that our room isn't the place for the kids to spend time with daddy?
Argh... It's driving me nuts.
No, you are not wrong or rude
No, you are not wrong or rude but frankly, I couldn't live with kids who poop themselves and leave poop everywhere. I don't think I could be with a man who allowed it, either.
Why can't he respect you enough to give you this one thing that you so desparately want, need, and deserve?
His kids are 6 and 8 and
His kids are 6 and 8 and pooping themselves. This situation will not get better. Your bf is not a good parent.
Why the hell are you paying more than your fair share of expenses? I assume the kids have their own room? Do you also pay for more than your share of groceries and other household goods?
I think its time you reevaluate if this is a good relationship for you. While you may love your bf, love is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
This situation sounds awful.
This situation sounds awful. He’s a terrible parent and a freeloader, his kids poop themselves and don’t wash their hands, and the one thing you ask for gets disregarded. What is in this for you?
To be more precise, I'm
To be more precise, I'm saying I'm paying more than my share because I'm paying half of the rent (for an apartment bigger than my needs), and half of the electricity, grocery, and internet/cable bills while he has 2 kids half of the time and I have none.
No need to explain, believe
No need to explain, believe me, we get it. It happens A LOT in the step world. You should not be paying half and that is exaclty what SteppedOut meant.
SKID is NEVER allowed in my
SKID is NEVER allowed in my room. Your BF is a bad parent and those kids have problems. Still pooping themselves?!? What would you tell a friend if they told you this problem!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your replies.
Yeah, the pooping problem is really getting on my nerves. I'm relieved to see I'm not the only one who doesn't think that's normal. My BF seems to now agree when I tell him it's isn't normal, but nothing really happens. SD8 keeps walking around smelling like poop most of the time and it doesn't seem to bother her. When me or my BF tell her that she stinks and should go change, she gets upset and puts the blame on us or her brother. I initially refused to wash her underwear and I now flat out refuse to put my hands in the kids laundry basket period.
I feel like these kids have been so overindulged that they don't feel any kind of responsibility towards themselves.
Freakin gross. Seriosuly, I
Freakin gross. Seriously, I get it! My formerSO's kid (13yrs old) wouldn't use freaking toilet paper and then would take a bath. Marinating in poop water while watching youtube videos. NASTY. And then go to the kitchen digging around in food with his poop water hands. UGH. I couldn't eat anything that wasn't sealed. So gross.
All you can think about is poop all over the damn house. I'm not a clean freak or germaphobe - IT'S POOP!
Uuuuuugh. I feel so bad for you!
WTH is with these CODs who
WTH is with these CODs who crap themselves?! My SKs had some gaps in hygiene training, but like all sane people they would never wallow in their own poop. My toddler can't even stand the feel of it on her skin.
Yeah, sorry, but I just
Yeah, sorry, but I just wouldn't live with these people, sitting on the same furniture as they do.
It's gross, and your BF is gross for not doing a damn thing about it.
Fecal matter is a biohazard.
Keep them the f@ck out of
Keep them the f@ck out of your bedroom and bathroom! My SO's kids have their own rooms and the living room is their personal gaming room. They literally have the whole house except the master bedroom/bath. That's a hard stop for me. Until i get to stop enforcing it i will not sell my house and move in with him.
And the poop thing is gross. How are there all these incontinent kids running around? I was a school nurse and there was maybe one kid per school who had that problem 10 years ago. I blame the electronic babysitters.
Skids in marital bedroom or hotel bedroom, this isn’t even
a topic for discussion... they do not set foot in it.
Sometimes at home we are chilling in our room with our 2 young kids (my bios with hubby), if ss has an emergency or something to ask hubby that can’t wait, he can knock and hubby will tell him to open the door if we are chilling but he asks whatever at the door and closes it and goes away.
there is no skids hangin or chilling in our room or hubby knows he wouldn’t get any sex. Hubby loves sex too much.. so this isn’t a hard thing to fight or argue about...
why are so many partners not seeing it as a major boundary issue that marital or master bedroom is just friggin off limits?? And don’t start me with those dipshit parents bringing skids into the master bedroom because they aren’t feeling well or hd a bad dream and stepmum or stepdad are expected to suck it up
Right? Things have gotten
Right? Things have gotten better compared to the beginning, but I had (and still have) to fight very hard for this and be the mean enforcer often. I don't even understand that I need to fight for this as it feels so normal to me to need a place to yourself when you are living with someone else's kids, poop problem or not. He started enforcing it to some degree recently, but will every once in a while want to make them use our room or bathroom for no good reason and will look surprised and irritated when I refuse. And if this pandemic ever ends and they happen to be home in my absence more ofter (it rarely happens at the moment), I'm not sure he will enforce it as if I were there watching.
He makes them use your bathroom??? Seriously wtf??
my husband from day 1 it was his choice and firm feelings that our marital bedroom is our room. Its actually part of our religion that states as me and skids are not biologically related, i have the right to my own private space skid free... they’d be kicked out and get a good shouting and telling off from pissed off hubby for barging into our bedroom when not invited or allowed in!!
my husband about 3 yrs back copped a mouthful from me when it turned out ss who was 19 had been actively looking through my things like laptop etc. my belongings do not belong to him and I firmly told hubby he better make sure his kidult towed the line.
now when we pre-covid went on holidays or interstate/overseas, i locked our bedroom door incase ss was looking in at our belongings and i took the key away too...
we bought a home in my birth country late last yr, aint no skid ever setting foor here with their toxic negativity, disrespect and lack of respect for our private boundaries
Maybe you are seeing the real reason these people
Are divorce. They don't understand reality. It's your right to have the master bedroom off limits to SK. But your SO does not see it that way. Other thing in life your SO does not see also .
Your problem is simple your
Your problem is simple your SO does not respect you or your needs and boundaries. Why would you want a man who didn't care about what you need.
For the record, I have never allowed children in my bedroom - step or bio. My exH and current DH understood my needs and respected and enforced this boundary. Children do not cross the threshold to the master bedroom.
Your SO is not a good parent. He is using you financially to support his children in a lifestyle he could not afford alone. He doesn't care about your needs. You can do so much better then inviting this chaos into your life FOREVER.
AyAyAy... GIRL, you do NOT
AyAyAy... GIRL, you do NOT deserve this. Can you imagine yourself having children with this man? Leave while you can! The bedroom thing is the least of your problems here, but still I agree with you. Unrelated children should bot have access to your personal space. We do not allow SD in our bedroom (we only have 1 bathroom) unless I allow her to come in my vanity area when I feel like doing her hair. We struggled with this boundary issue at first but standing firm works. Best of luck!
He should pay 100% of the
He should pay 100% of the incremental cost of having a three bedroom over a one bedroom. So if a one bedroom costs $500, and a three bedroom costs $900, the entire difference of $400 should be all his resposibility. Plus he should be paying half of the cost of your shared bedroom, so $250 more, for a total of $650 out of $900 for rent. Plus he should be paying 2/3 of the utilities and groceries.
Not the only one
You are totally not the only one feeling like this! New to this site too, this is exactly the kind of thing that I struggle with that I thought I was the only one! My BF has 2 kids (7 and 11) and the 7 year old loves getting into bed with us in the morning. Whilst she doesn't poo herself, she doesn't shower much and she doesn't wash her hands after the toilet *bad* and it bothers me so much! My bed is my sanctuary and I can't even get in myself without showering and I ask my BF to do the same. He does, and does get why I don't want 7yo in the bed all the time but says I can't project my own issues onto her. I get that but it makes me so uncomfortable and I never know whether it's just my issue or a valid feeling!!
Oh my god... He calls not
Oh my god... He calls not wanting SD in your bed an issue of yours you shouldn't project oh her?? *bomb*
I feel you and understand how difficult it is to know if our feelings are valid when we are new to the stepmomming world. Like you, I'm still trying to figure all this out...
Chickida - you are being used
Chickida - you are being used. Plan your escape wisely.
(I've said this more than once on ST today. Oy.)
No!
No, the master bedroom and bathroom are completely off limits to SKids. That is my space and they are not allowed in.
When I met DH, he was still allowing Skids to co-sleep in his bed. I told him that if he ever wanted me to share a bed with him, then his children would not be allowed in it, ever...the next vistitation weekend, he made them both sleep in their own beds. They cried and cried, but I have to hand it to him, because he didn't give in.
I will also add that I never slept in my parents bed and barely went in their room as a child, so it's not just a stepkid thing.
The prospect of never getting sex with your significant other
can be a fast significant motivator to kick skids out of the master bedroom....
its sad it’s seriously has to get to this point...
I feel you and understand how
I feel you and understand how difficult it is to know if our feelings are valid when we are new to the stepmomming world. Like you, I'm still trying to figure all this out...
Well, it wasn't that difficult for me, I knew that all of my feelings were valid!
Here's what I figured out, you have to be true to yourself. Yes, compromise is essential in relationships, but your gut will tell you what you should and should not compromise on. You know, deep down, when you are outright being disrespected and yes, used. You just know it.
Ughhh. Another shit beast
Ughhh. Another shit beast story. Only this time there are two of them. I am sorry you have to deal with this.
First... inform your SO that kids in the master BR and master BA ends all intimacy until further notice. Period.
As for the tendency of some toxic failed family breeding experiments marking their territory fecally... too bad we can't just shove a lockable cork up their asses and let them swell up into a giant ball of shit to keep them from marking our homes and lives with their fecal character and personalities. The seemingly rare presence of medical causes for this shit spewing behavioral toxicity has to have some purposeful motivator. All else remaining equal of course.
I think I might market a line of lockable ass corks to use on these nasty spawn.
"Do you have a purposely intestinally incontinent SKid in you life that insists on marking your marital and family home with shit? Do they "forget" to take a shit regularly and leak their Intestinal effluent all over your home, your marriage, your family and your life? New from SPARENT-CO Inc products.....ASS-LOCK! The lockable sphincter sealing Skid shit beast control product. For use with Skids who have some redeeming qualities we have the teflon material Easy-Slide ASS LOCK model for smooth and minimal discomfort application. For particularly putrid perpetrators we have the abrasive material Make-Your-Point-Firmly ASS LOCK model. This high friction coefficient abrasive surfaced material will not fall out without firm force application even if our Titanium high reliability locking systems fails. Stop the SHIT BEAST from polluting your life. Call ASS-LOCK now. If you order our two pack Teflon and Friction model package now we will throw in the Ass-Spatula for de-shitting the beast(s) upon arrival in your home before you apply the ASS-LOCK product of choice to protect your life from their intestinal effluent. Don't delay. End the SHIT now! call 1-800-SHIT-BEASTS-NO-MORE too expedite your order."
Okay, I feel better now.
And no, you are not rude. So and his shitting progeny are the rude ones.
smh