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The delusion. It burns.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Sat, 02/18/2017 - 12:03pm

DH: So, today's my dad's birthday and I was thinking we should take him (and MIL) out to lunch today.

Me: Oh yeah? That sounds nice. How about you do that. And why don't you take the kids? Or not, of course, it's totally up to you. Maybe just you and your parents meet-up?

DH: Well, I was kind of thinking we'd do this as a family. That we'd all go out to lunch.

Me: Hmm. Yeah. No, I'll pass. But, how about you go?!

DH: But, why? I don't understand.

Me: Why? Because I'm not comfortable being around your parents, especially your dad, for any extended period of time for something like lunch. The whole recent shenanigans of him engaging with BM and entertaining the idea, for the world of social media to see, that we'd be okay with her flying-out with Skid and spending holidays with ALL of us and all that jazz. You know, because she wants to play family with your parents all of a sudden?

(I have my suspicions she's no longer with her boyfriend and she's reaching for her place back in his family again.)

DH: But, I thought things were better? Haven't they been getting better?

Me: How? What do you even mean?

DH: You know, since they've been going to therapy. Haven't things been better since my parents started therapy?

(They've been in couples therapy, once a week, for a few weeks now - that I know of. Not family therapy, which would include me and DH, like I RECOMMENDED in order to resolve these issues regarding BM, healthy boundaries, etcetera.)

Me: (blank dead stare)

Needless to say, I got out to run some errands, by myself, and stopping for a Bloody Mary is my first stop.

Comments

yolo222's picture

Submitted by yolo222 on Sat, 02/18/2017 - 6:47pm

Well you can't control what other people say on social media. However you can control who you spend holidays with. I think it's disrespectful to a new spouse to invite an ex to a family holiday celebration. I just don't understand all of this type of togetherness. When you get divorced and re married it's time to move on from your ex and create a new family dynamic. Why would BM need to come for the holidays. Can she just send skid?

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Sat, 02/18/2017 - 7:53pm

I wholeheartedly agree. Especially given the dynamics of their divorce. She was a habitual cheater and left DH. After a few years of separation, he filed for a divorce. Shortly after we started dating. BM lost her mind, became violent with DH (attempted with me - in public), then heavily engaged in parental alienation - including DH's parents from seeing skid when they came to visit.

Long story short, we moved far, far away. DH got himself into therapy to deal with it all and moved forward with a generous court ordered visitation schedule of 12-16 weeks in the summer and 3-4 weeks over Christmas break. Not long after our move, BM made it known to DH and his parents that she had found a good man, and that this man has taken on a fatherly role to skid, though skid states otherwise. <>

Then things went quiet for awhile. Then it was brought to my attention that BM was on Facebook friending DH's parents and other family members, shamelessly engaging in dialogue that only a person trying to regain their place in someone's family would. FIL, having his own issues, apparently took the bait until DH informed him and her to knock it off. That didn't go over well and I was the big bad meanie for awhile, or so I'm told. All this to say, in-laws pernicious behavior has taken a toll on our marriage.

yolo222's picture

Submitted by yolo222 on Sat, 02/18/2017 - 7:54pm

That's too bad. I'm sorry it's taking a toll on the marriage. As long as your DH and you are on the same page I'm not sure that u can control the in laws. I've had some issues with this with my ex fiancé. After his divorce from BM he remained very close to BMs family not just MIL and FIL but the entire family. I think it's fine if you are single without a new spouse but once u re marry have a little respect for your new spouse.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Sun, 02/19/2017 - 7:44am

You're correct. He IS a stick his head in the sand kind of guy. And in a sense, his parents are too when it comes to their whole logic of "if we just back off momjeans long enough, she'll forget and come back around for more scapegoating/gaslighting/maligning."

I've gradually learned that it basically eats them alive that I won't subject myself to their underhanded emotional abuse.

"MIL made it hery clear she would throw me under a bus and back up over me just to convenience skids."

Yes - this!

Thanks, DanielleR

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 02/19/2017 - 7:30am

You are not ready to spend time with your ILs and you told DH why. Time to just lather, rinse, and repeat that message until he either gains clarity of his parents change their behavior in a consistently demonstrable manner.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Sun, 02/19/2017 - 9:55am

Thanks Smile

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 02/20/2017 - 3:35am

}:) I would've go and confronted them, ask them are you still buddy buddy with the Ex DIL? Yes .. oh well DH never ask me to be with these back stabbing people again... down the wine, take what ever's left in the bottle and walk out of the place...

ah a girl can dream can't she..... I think you should've gone, it's only an hour or so and if they started up talking about BM, shut it down...keep on saying... we are not going to talk about her, we are here... she's not family any more.... and then refuse to ever engage with them...

this way you showed you will be around them, they can show the same amount of respect... the ball would've been on their side of the court,