Almost-18 Anxiety
I am having anxiety about the future of SD17 turning 18 in April. She graduates a month later, and then summer will begin. I have heard nothing of her plans, yet SO states that "things will change". I want to know HOW. He states that she will be required to pay rent, and pay her own cell phone and pay her own car insurance. She currently has no license and of course no job. Plus, January 1st, she started the year getting caught shoplifting and is now banned from JC Penny's for a year.
She will most certainly feel it her right to do what ever she wants, and choose where she will be full-time. And because my SO has a big family and an ancient mother (94 this summer!) that SD17 sometimes cares for, she has a little influence. So we are stuck with her, basically. SO has been using the 50/50 custody agreement as an excuse to allow only part time stays with us (yay, kid free zone!!! We can run around in our altogether!!!), but after 18, that excuse will go away.
The difficult part is that even if she got a job, and paid rent, I don't want a housemate other than my SO, and I most CERTAINLY don't want HER as my housemate.
Why you ask?
#1. She is messy. Her clothes are always on the floor of her room, her makeup, and STUFF, litter the floor and any surface. Plus she never throws her trash out and she eats in her room, and drinks coffee there and never cleans up. It stinks and looks like a crackhead lives in there.
#2. She never helps us clean on her own, and even when her father asks her, its always with attitude and complaining.
#3. She hangs out ALL the time. She has no activities, she has no friends she spends time with, she has no LIFE. With no job, she would just be there, pissing me off with her attitude, and making me anxious with her laziness/messiness.
#4. She is inconsiderate with her music/television watching. She is a "couch camper".
#5. She is whiney and complaining. Listening to her is like hearing nails on a chalkboard.
#6. She lies. CONSTANTLY. About EVERYTHING, and ANYTHING. I catch her many times and don't say anything.
#7. She likes and enjoys shoplifting, sais it is a rush.
#8. When she does do anything, its always needing to be redone.
#9. She is mean to her father and sister. It is painful to watch.
#10. I do not enjoy the smell of her perfume. It makes me gag. And she sprays it liberally.
#11. When she plays guitar and starts singing, it raises my hackles. Perhaps I am part wolf.
#12. When she sais "daddy I love you, can I have..." it makes me want to scream.
#13. When I hear her squeal to the dog, and watch her let him jump on her it makes me want to scream (did I mention that I have told her many times that I do not want her to allow this? And her father has told her this as well? And she still thinks its cute and allows it...)
#14. She has been a total B!tch to me and yelled at me and said vile things to me that I cannot forgive, such as "I hate you, you are a f!cking crazy b!tch, you are disgusting, no wonder your brother killed himself, I would have too if you had been my sister, etc.."
#15. I have no desire to hear her voice, hear her laugh, see her enjoy MY space, MY sanctuary, MY lving room, eat MY food.
Does 18 perform some sort of miracle cure for the above?
If I say anything about any of the above, it will be a fight with SD, and then SO will have to intervene, and then it will be MY fault. SD will cry and say "I cant believe you are choosing HER over your own DAUGHTER!!!" I cannot win. My only solution right now, is to somehow, in some way, get a new job and make money to buy my/our own place together. Move to a new house that SD17 did NOT grow up in (although she sais she has great attachment to the place, I don't see her taking care of anything....) a new home where she can VISIT occasionally but not stay permanently. Where she cannot stake any claims that "she was here first, just so I know" (yes she has said that more than once).
I need a new start, somewhere new, both SO and I desperately need this.
Please send me some good thoughts in this direction!!!!
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Comments
What she said about your
What she said about your brother is unforgiveable. If my SO had not satisfactorily dealt with that IN THE MOMENT I probably would have packed up and left right then.
Within days of marrying, something prompted me to tell DH that if he couldn't trust me to be the adult in a situation and have his daughter's best interests at heart then our marriage would never work. The issue was generally who to "believe" or to back when some incident involving her behavior came up. If he was gonna play "well, SHE says what happened was x," then we were doomed.
From that moment on he never went down that path again.
I suggest you give a similar message to your dh. Tell him you've been trying things his way for whatever amount of time and you now realize it can't work for two adults in a marriage. He has to have your back and trust you or he should admit he doesn't trust you then you have a decision to make.
Seriously. This is bad stuff you are talking about.
yes, Chief. It IS. And
yes, Chief. It IS. And January I put up photos around the house of my dear departed brother, hoping to remind her of her cruelty. My SO, he just tells me "she is a very sick person, who is mentally and emotionally unstable."
SO does believe me, and often takes my side, and during arguments will back me up. And force an apology. Or not. Luckily we don't get into the "she said this and that" and "no she started it" game. But its happened. When it does, because he knows she is such a huge liar, he will believe me. But it always comes back to "that is my daughter, my flesh and blood, I cant put her out on the streets, can I, what do you want me to do, reject her?"
She has a BM who lives around the corner from us, so she would not be on the street.
I don't think he knew what to do when she went off like that. He really cant do anything until she is 18 and graduated. Unless he is ready to pay child support. So I wait. And fret.
This was my argument with DH
This was my argument with DH about SD when she was about your SD age. She had most of the same traits as your SD, minus the saying horrible things to me. But it was extremely evident that this chick was NOT going to launch! I kept begging DH to stop handing her money and to make her budget it, I kept begging DH to make her clean her nasty room and bathroom, I kept asking DH to not allow her to gallivant off with her friends for days when her she had 12 loads of dirty clothes piled on her bedroom floor. It always ended up in a battle, with DH accusing me of not liking SD. I got tired of giving a fuck and I told him he was right! I DON'T like her. Who would??? Maybe if she put forth ONE ounce of effort to be a productive member of the family?? Maybe if she was respectful to our home?? Maybe if she didn't always think she was entitled to DH throwing her money?? Maybe if she didn't lie all the time and manipulate everyone around her?? MAYBEEEEEE then, I would like her.
I got EXTREMELY lucky and SD moved 3 states away from me when she was 16. DH's Aunt offered to take her, because she wanted to give her a "chance" and she liked her, and HAAAAA. 3 months in and Aunt was ready to send her back! SD hadn't changed at all, still a lazy slob, flooded Aunts bathroom, destroyed the bedroom she was in, was disrespectful, caught in a million lies etc. NOTHING changed other than her zip code. Aunt stuck it out thought and got SD graduated and into college. She just finished her 1st semester, and didn't flunk out... but SOMETHING is brewing.. I can feel it and she just called DH the other night and asked if she could come stay with us for the summer (away from her BF, her job, her friends, etc?????) So again, SOMETHING is up, I just haven't figured it out yet.
I have come to the conclusion that you might get lulls in the drama, but it NEVER truly ends with these heathen skids.
OH yes! I read your blog
OH yes! I read your blog about that. Always dramarama. Yes, she is major drama queen too, my SD. And claims to be ill with this and that. Asthma, depression, heart palpitations, Anxiety...etc.
Yes, people don't change much. Our personalities are set around 12, and through teenage years, I know its SUPPOSED to be bad, but this girl was TERRIBLE. 6 months into my relationship, and she ruined my first Valentines Day with SO. We argued, she was wrong, was called out on it, and then she sais she would just go run away and be depressed. So I apologized and we took her with us on our Valentines Adventures. I should have realized it would be a pattern with her.
that's a story you have, about Aunty. Your SD is probably a LOT more respectful to her than to you two, but the true person always comes out. Good for Auntie to keep trying to make her a productive member of society. Sorry to read she wants to come to your home for summer. Hopefully your DH will say "no".
I am so fortunate that my mil
I am so fortunate that my mil (and now deceased fil) expected all four of their children to leave at 18. And they did, starting with my dh, their oldest. So it is normal to dh to edge sd17 out the door this summer.
Trouble is, she is 100% unprepared to do so.
Not my problem. I tried to make them all think ahead when she was 12, 13, 14, and 15. At 16 I re-focused my efforts to just protect myself. She'll almost certainly end up couch surfing with her mother for years.
Daizy, I agree your sd is up to something. It reminds me to be oh so grateful my DH thinks it's normal to not keep his door open forever.
SO has tried to talk with SD
SO has tried to talk with SD about the impending future - that she will have to pay rent, get a job, pay insurance on a car...etc...but I see no forward movement, ie a drivers permit/license, talk about applications for summer jobs, etc.
That's good that your DH is comfortable launching SD, because it sounds like its going to be a fight.
See my DH talked to SD all
See my DH talked to SD all the time about money, life, getting a job, not being an asshole etc. He really did. The problem was, he NEVER followed through. So he'd bitch at her about her blowing her money, but then turn around and hand more to her. He'd bitch at her about cleaning her room but then never cared if it actually got done or not. He'd bitch at her about her lying all the time, but every time she'd get caught, he'd conveniently "forget" about the incident.
We've all been teenagers right? Adults can talk and talk all they want, it generally goes in one ear and out the other, it's when the consequences start coming down is when teenagers really start to actually listen.
Daizy - my So - he does TRY!
Daizy - my So - he does TRY! He stood over her and watched once when she was asked to clean her room and it remained filthy. He took the door off her room. He stopped paying her cell phone bill. He doent give her money, except for Christmas and Birthday - she earns some watching grandma.
The simple solution would be consequences, but there aren't many things left! She has no friends and no car and no activities...grounding doesn't do anything. Perhaps sitting in a corner? LOL. Just kidding.
But yes, generally she just blows everyone off all the time. And no one has the energy to get real with her. BM and SO pat themselves on the back that she doesn't drink, do drugs and isn't pregnant.
UGH DH always resorted to the
UGH DH always resorted to the "well at least she isn't pregnant, and she doesn't do drugs, and she's not mouthy" crap. Like if that is the most you strive for in your kid.. that's pretty pathetic.
I have suggested therapy and
I have suggested therapy and she is on anti-depressants, but we simply do not have the money for therapy sessions that might/might not work.
Plus, she is such a vile creature that I have no desire to spend a penny on helping her. I have tried a little here and there, but she is called "The Ruiner of all Happiness" for a reason.
Added to the above: she does not eat meat, therefore she will not apply at ANY fast food places or casual fast food places where she will be required to cook/handle meat. She has no launch plan other than applying at Starbucks when she turns 18. May be take some community college classes. She was talking about being a criminal psychologist New Years Eve, but she is SUCH a talker. She CLAIMS to have tried applying but everywhere she applied they told her 'you must be 18'.
Doesn't Starbucks serve
Doesn't Starbucks serve paninis and breakfast sandwiches with meat in them??? Just asking.....
yes, but she just sees the
yes, but she just sees the coffee. And cakes.
Oh goodness! My YSD wanted
Oh goodness! My YSD wanted to be a forensic medical technician at one point in her life.
It was something she cooked up with her mother (probably thought of by mama) and I'm sure it stemmed from watching too much CSI.
After I explained the cost of getting that degree and how much she would have to borrow.. plus all the hard work and gross stuff and the fact that the job would most likely be duller than dirt.. she changed her mind.
In fact, many of her initial career choices seemed to be oddly in sync with prime time TV. haha.
It's not that my YSD is dumb, but she certainly wasn't on the genius science track in school.
She is very bright and hardworking though. Just a small brag on her as she just got a big promotion where she works. She is now a finance coordinator for the factory where she started out in the yard last year. Job came with a 7K a year raise. Not too shabby for a 19 yo (plus they pay her college class costs!)
May I borrow your SD?????
May I borrow your SD????? Pretty please with whipped cream, and nuts and a cherry on top (organic of course)????
HAHA... well, she also rents
HAHA... well, she also rents a house from us and pays her rent on time every month and bought her first car with cash (we split it 50/50) and just bought a 2nd car so she has one that she can use just for work since it's a kind of stinky plant..lol.
She also has full health ins through her employer and pays all her medical bills herself. We pay zip.:)
She isn't perfect though.. she is also subject to wanting things she does to appear "cool". At one point she was convinced she wanted to be a yacht designer (despite the fact that I have NEVER seen her put pencil to paper) and wanted to to go some special school. She would put things on social media like captioning a particularly nautical outfit on her as "do I Look like a yacht designer". Yes.. that comes from mama.. the need for people to think you are amazing.
The silly thing is that she DOES have so much going for her and is really smart that she doesn't need to do that.. but she still does. I also credit that attitude for her thought about going into a shipyard apprenticeship as a welder because she wanted to be able to say to boys. "oh.. yeah.. I'm a welder" (toss of hair).
SD17 is so far removed from
SD17 is so far removed from any kind of reality, added to that she is an A+++++++++++ liar. She will say whatever she think sounds cool.
What consequences is she
What consequences is she given for her behaviour? You say DH backs you up and takes your side.. but it seems like side-taking is hardly what's necessary here. When I was 16 I got thrown out of the house by my mother and stepdad because I didn't behave properly. I skipped school, partied too much, refused to listen, etc. and they told me to get out. I appreciate it now because I sure smarted up after living alone.
Sounds like she needs to be told she MUST get a job or she's out of the house. If she stays, she must pay rent, utilities, etc. (once 18) and if she refuses to clean, hire someone to do it and take it out of her pay.
She needs consequences or she's going to stick around and continue to annoy the hell out of you
Sunshine - NONE. That's it.
Sunshine - NONE. That's it. Nothing. No consequences. Her bedroom door at our house is off. That's it. When she lies, its brushed aside. When she was caught stealing, and a fine of $250.00 was incurred (she hasn't put a dime in the hat to pay for it either), nothing was really said to her except "oh we cant believe anything you say now", and "you know you could go to jail for that? Don't do that anymore".
She doesn't party, doesn't like boys (or girls), doesnt have friends she spends time with. No drugs, drinking or smoking. So its going to be tough to get her out, which makes me anxious.
I am hoping that SO will stand by what he said - that she MUST pay rent or find other accommodations.
Ugh. I try not to talk to
Ugh. I try not to talk to her, unless its in front of SO, because she lies so much, and twists everything I say. Our last argument about the darn Rabbit, she told me "sorry not sorry" along with a whole list about how when she turns 18 her father will kick her out and its all my fault.
Perhaps that's a good thing she thinks that? Evil laugh. }:)
Find a shelter that takes
Find a shelter that takes women. Drive her by there and notify her that you are doing to drop her off there by x date if she takes no actions to "adult" up.
Love this
Love this
LOL. One day, when SD17 was
LOL. One day, when SD17 was being a little Sh!t, we drove her by a street with a bunch of homeless encampments, called "tent city", to give her an appreciation of what its like "out there". She still doesn't appreciate anything. 2.5 years later, she is still the spoiled entitled selfish brat I knew back then, with a few extra hobbies including shoplifting and verbal/physical abuse.
Reading through your post, I
Reading through your post, I was thinking that I didn't blame you for not wanting someone else's lazy, selfish teen taking over your home full time. A lot of what you describe sounds like typical teen brat behaviour and extremely irritating when it's your own teen being noisy, inconsiderate and messy, let alone someone else's. Then I saw what she said about your brother. That is unforgiveable and goes far beyond lazy selfish brat behaviour. That is extremely abusive and you should not have to put up with that kind of abuse from anyone, and especially not in your own home!
We have 3 ss's full time and ss20 was a little like this at your sd's age - noisy, messy, selfish and guzzled through enough food to feed an army without any consideration for the other 4 people in the house but he was nowhere near as bad as your sd and never openly abusive towards me or his dad, but bullied his younger brothers quite a lot. Luckily, dh didn't accept his crap and got on his case, though there were times I had to kick dh's butt as he didn't seem to notice things or see them as a big problem which did make me feel pretty angry at times. When ss got to about 19, he seemed to grow up and has now moved out and is doing well; goes to college, has a job and a steady girlfriend who seems a good influence on him so there is hope.
Saying that, if your dh continues to allow princess to walk all over him, abuse you in such a sadistic way and trash your home, I do not see this ending well for you. I wish I could offer something more constructive, but I think a lot of the problem lies with your dh. He's not doing her any favours by allowing her to get away with such shitty behaviour and, as many others have said before, without some firm rules and boundaries, she will grow from an obnoxious teen into a dysfunctional and even more obnoxious adult.
Thank you Sasha. Yes, she is
Thank you Sasha. Yes, she is a typical teen, however her zest for drama and releasing on others in a mean and most times very nasty and painful way make her more than "just being a teenager" bad. To me, she is now civil, but I am disengaged and walk on eggshells if we do speak.
I have told her that she is abusive towards people, and that is what set her off to being abusive. Then she lied and twisted it around to be MY FAULT because I told her she is often mean to people. She even went as far as to tell BM that it was ME that said all those horrible things, ME that said I hated her. Mother believed her. Father was sitting in the other room listening, so when BM happened to ask if it was true, he said "no it was the other way around, it was winona that did and said that", and this caused SD to REALLY freak out, and she acts crazy (I think as a distraction, a smoke screen).
So, yes, as Dr Seuss would say:
"I do not want her in my home,
I would be most happiest if she would roam,
I do not want her on my couch,
Where she will watch tv and slouch,
I do not want to see her face,
I do not want her anyplace,
I cringe when hearing the creature laugh,
I do not want her any-half,
I do not want her here or there,
I do not want her ANYWHERE!"
I just laughed at her
I just laughed at her pathetic button-pushing. I've been hurting over the loss for a long time, and its going to take more than her little digs to make me hurt worse. But yeah. The only thing really holding me back was the thought of going to jail... I did imagine swatting her face so hard a tooth flew out. That kept me laughing.
Yes, Monkey - hurry up and
Yes, Monkey - hurry up and wait. I did imagine doing that - going to the store with her in hopes she would get "the itch", but then it would of course be MY fault. Therefore my only recourse is a fresh start in another town close by.
Sometimes a person who is a
Sometimes a person who is a worthless POS at 17 or 18 grows up and becomes a decent human being. But it's not all that often.
"Sometime"s is a thin line to
"Sometime"s is a thin line to hang off a cliff! But I hear you. I was hoping for some changes, over the 2.5 years that I have known this girl, however she remains the same and has not any remorse for any wrongs she has done. She is still the selfish little brat, who blames everything on everyone else, plays the consummate victim, plus she has taken up some new unsavory hobbies.
I am hoping she graduates high school. I hope she will get a job. I hope she will DO SOMETHING SOON!!!!
Other than that, I really don't care anymore what happens to her.
I feel ya....but, Hey, at
I feel ya....but, Hey, at least you have 18 as an end point.
SDrama will be in school til she's almost 20. She's only a sophomore bc of a late birthday AND having to repeat 3rd grade.
I try to get her into figuring out some sort of game plan. She just nods, says "Yeah...", or just looks at me.
Trade school? Cosmetology? Early education teacher?
Blank. Friggin. Stare.
No job, no license. And she won't get a license because I told DH I am NOT paying her insurance, she needs a job to take care of that, gas, inspections. And she will not be sitting in her room doing nothing when she does graduate..?she can go live with Skankula again.
Well, here it is "18 and
Well, here it is "18 and graduate high school", which gives her a month of lounging. Then she gets to try for a job somewhere, so that means another month or so of lounging. Then, because she failed a class, there's summer school ahead, so a few more months of lounging.
Im hoping by August a full time job or she is moved out completely from my home.
LOL Yep, my SD17 has no license either, she gets shuttled around by everyone else, but not me. Princess Snowflake gets no limo service from me anymore.
CLove - you know she's moving
CLove - you know she's moving back, DH is making all these nice promises...
Simply draw up an contract, stipulate rules and expectations and make it clear if not obeyed she will be kicked out.
3 strikes or something... then DH and SD signs it.
No use to get all worked up, it's time to make a plan...
Acra - YES! I have one
Acra - YES! I have one drafted in my head already and was going to take a few moments to do exactly that. I already have a timeline ready as well. IFF she wishes to stay with us full time, there will be conditions with 90-day probation.
All the above issues will not be in residence with me, that's my intention.
My conditions are either go to college after getting summer job, and working parttime after summer, OR get full time job, pay rent (save the rent money for LAUNCH into new place) and then after 1 year move out into own place.
I am a planner, I like to plan. It helps cut back on the anxiety. The fun part of planning is getting my SO on board. Typically what happens is he will either accept or reject. Then hell think about it. Then it might happen.
hit them now with the
hit them now with the contract - then she can decide if she still wants to move in or not... and during that time DH can decide if he wants to stay or move out....
regardless what they decide, stand your ground!!!!
Friday night, while Skids
Friday night, while Skids were at BM's, we had the conversation about expectations if SD17 winona were to move in with us full time. I brought up my concerns, he said "That's old news, let it go". I said "sweetheart, she keeps doing and saying the same things, she keeps lying, she doesn't aplogise, she feels no remorse. Its current its not old news!"
I brought up the need for repercussions, and he was frustrated, because what sorts of repercussions do I expect (she has no car/license, no friends, no job, no activities), do I expect him to beat her down? I really have no answer, as there is nothing more to take away, except wifi. My only answer was for her to have the repercussion of not living with us full time, if she cannot launch.
Shes been away taking care of grandma for the weekend, and otherwise staying to herself. I've been civil and staying to myself. But I did warn him that no longer would I be walking on the eggshells around princess snowflake, I would speak my mind. I don't care if my honesty hurts her precious feelings, I'm done apologizing. Ive apologized when Ive done nothing but speak the truth. For example, I was really tired of her complaining about cleaning up dog doo. "its not my dog, why do I have to clean his poo?" To which I replied "I took care of your dog, every day I fed her, and paid half her crmation costs when she died, and she wasn't MY dog!"
So, there is a lot of unresolved conflict, and I simply do not want to be around her. I am putting out my energy to get a new place, by summer. So there is no longer an issue of her living with us full-time (no!).
Thanks for listening, it really truly helps out.