Teary-eyed morning

This was a rough morning. I go to the car where SS11 and SS9 are waiting for me to take them to school. As I get in, SS9 tells on his brother for taking his hat, SS11 tells me his brother gave it to him, so I tell him to give me the hat. SS11 knows how to relax his eyes to give the "I don't give a f*** what you are saying" blank stare, which he quickly gives to me. I tell him again to give me the hat, and he says why. I tell him because I don't have time to determine whose hat it is, after another round of this I tell him to give me the hat or I'll smash your Xbox. The fact that I have to resort to threatening material objects is absurd, but I do not have time to deal with this crap in the morning on our way out the door. So, he gives me the hat and I put it inside. When I come back I ask him why he doesn't listen to me, and why he is so mean to me, and he tells me it is because I am mean to him because I take things away from him. I ask him why do I take things away from you, and he said because I am mad at him. I told him that I am an adult and if I do something out of anger that I will immediately apologize for it. I told him he needs to take responsibility for his own actions, and that the reason why I am "mean" to him is because he needs consequences for his actions: lying, hitting, disrespect.

SS11 recently came back from his maternal grandparents over the summer. His maternal grandpa told him that he thinks he should live with him, and not his father and me (his father is his stepdad too, but he has been in his life since he was born and is the only dad he knows). His grandpa told him that I am not his real parent and has basically convinced the kid that he doesn't have to listen to me. That combined with DHs new parenting method, of which he has been dismissive to me in front of him, has not helped the case with SS11 respecting me and my authority in the house.

I am at my wits end with dealing with this behavior. Is it really my responsibility to do this? I know that he is a kid and I am the adult, and that I should be able to take the high road and "raise" him, but how do I do that when he has an army of people behind him telling him he doesn't have to listen to me? I also know that I am supposed to be supportive of my husband and help him out where he needs it (i.e. taking them to school), but I literally do not want to do anything for that kid. How do you keep the balance between being a wife to your husband without having to sacrifice your sanity helping him raise his kid?

I called DH right after I dropped the kids off at school and asked him to meet me for lunch so we could discuss SS11's behavior and his and my expectations on how to deal with it. And then I cried all the way to work.

notsosureanymore's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

I feel like the right thing

I feel like the right thing to do would be to step up as a stepparent no matter what DH says, and do it the way I know to ensure I get the respect I need. I know that being a supportive wife is important to keeping my marriage intact, and trying this new parenting style will make him happy, but has also led to a great deal of distress for me. I know that after 5 years of trying to be the “perfect” step mom, and neglecting myself has not worked. I know that I have not figured out any balance, and that my tactic for the past month has been to focus on myself outside of the home and hide in my room while I am home. I am questioning so many things right now, and I am struggling with what I am supposed to do and what I want to do. What I want to do is be a wife to my husband; I am kinda over the step mom thing at the time. What I want to do is things that will make me happy, which are things that pull me away from the family, because the family bores me or pisses me off. My husband, on the other hand, wants us to be this co-parenting couple to his kids and I know I just don’t have the energy for that right now. I just don’t know how to tell DH that without it leading to a “if we stay together in the future” kind of talk.

"My husband, on the other

"My husband, on the other hand, wants us to be this co-parenting couple to his kids and I know I just don’t have the energy for that right now."

It doesn't really seem so. It seems like he either wants you to be the mommy and do everything, or wants you to be the unoaid nanny, who follows his orders and isn't allowed to do it her way.
Either way, you are the one that is suffering. He gets to be the good guy to his kids and doesn't seem to be very worried about being a good husband to you.
I suggest you take time to yourself, do the things you want to and like to do. And think about what you are willing to put up with and what you aren't. Decide what you need from your husband and what you cannot take. Then have a serious talk to him about what you need going forward.
What I do know is that you are NOT supposed to be "mommy doormat", you are NOT supposed to be in charge of kids who are taught not to respect you, you are NOT supposed to feel miserable in your own home, youare NOT supposed to feel like you are failing him for looking out for your own feelings.

No it's not your

No it's not your responsibility to take his bad behavior. His father needs to step in and squash that, and soon. If you are comfortable doing the school drop off stuff, that's great, but those kids should be grateful and not be brats while you're doing it. I'd say no more, I don't need this crap, DH can now do everything. If they cant be nice, why bother?

I know how you are feeling today, I had mornings with my own son when he was a teen and pushing his limits with me, and I cried several mornings after dropping him at school. He was never a bad or mean kid, but his teen years had a few times I wanted to throttle him. However, I doubt very much I'd have that much patience with someone else's kid being an ahole.

DHs new parenting method, of

DHs new parenting method, of which he has been dismissive to me in front of him, has not helped the case with SS11 respecting me and my authority in the house.

So, you feel that you should support your husband and help him out with his kids even though he is not supportive of you?

Nope, sorry, the "new parenting style" is not working.

DISENGAGE!!!!!

I only help people that

I only help people that appreciate my help, that being said, your DH needs to figure out with his new parenting style how to get his children to school without your help. Maybe a few weeks of doing all the parenting will make him appreciate you and tell his skid marks that they better appreciate you as well.

See this is the thing, we as

See this is the thing, we as step-parents always hear "You knew what you were getting into when you started a relationship with a man/woman with kids."

Well, there's another equally important piece to that puzzle-these DH's and DW's need to realize that they contribute to the success of the SM/SF's relationship with their step children. If a person is willing to take on the role of step parent let these kids into their lives, contribute in whatever capacity they are comfortable with in order to help SO raise them then these parents need to be as supportive to the step parent as the step parent has been supportive to the parent in running your joined household. Whatever it is that you do, you do together WITH one another. If DH is dismissive and rude to you in front of his kids, and then MGF on the other end telling SS he doesn't have to listen to you that's super not cool. MGF should but the F out and mind his business or not see SS. A third party cannot wreak havoc in your home unless you let them and it sounds like DH's behavior is only backing up with MGF did.

Step parents are not sacrificial lambs to be laid out for slaughter in order to gain a better relationship with your damn children and make it seem as though the skids are more important than the step. We are also not supposed to be treated as "the enemy" when parents and step kids are having a rough time and decide to "team up" against you. It's completely ridiculous and most of the stories I read on here about these parents are just insane with their expectations, their actions their reactions-I'd really like to know how half of these people would get on with out us in their lives.

You just keep your head high and keep standing up for yourself. Make it clear to DH you are not the enemy and you will not be treated as such by his kids or him in YOUR household. Or you'll break his Xbox or heart. Same thing.

DH disses you in front of the

DH disses you in front of the kids...?

Time to disengage, simply tell DH, seeing that you are teaching your kids to disrespect me and that I have no authority as an adult, I'm disengaging. Seeing you can not tell your SF to butt out and stop feeding the kids bull dung about me, I'm disengaging.

This means, i no longer will do anything for any one who does not respect me, and this will include:
Rides to /from school
Laundry
cleaning up after them
Buying them things
Be nice to them.
Cooking for them

I will only help people who respects me..... then separate finances immediately and only contribute your part,
If the boys asks you something, reply with ASK YOUR DAD.... and ignore....if they fight about something like a hat/shirt... laugh and say ask your dad... nothing more, ignore and ignore...

And yes it's possible for you to disengage from one skid and not the other, thus if SS6 is nice and helps you, you are friendly towards him and you buy him things, but no driving... cause SS11 is still a dung beetle towards you... DH will do the driving

Here is what you do- Tools

Here is what you do-

Tools needed: eye dropper or similar
Skill level needed: novice

When no one is in the house fill the eye dropper with water. Squeeze water in to CD slot. Turn on

Alternative:

Put xBox in a very small tight fitting box. Turn on and let stay on for hours. The Xbox won't "breathe" and will over heat. Once the ring of death occurs place game system back where it was. No one will ever know.
Repeat as necessary.

oh shoot are we suppose to

oh shoot are we suppose to give her survival lessons

Fine...

wine, lots and lots of wine or whisky...... then nothing will ever bother you }:)

You are here

Comments