O/T -I think this may be it for us...
*update* Thanks for all the replies, it's been really helpful. I'm not going to leave him the letter. It was cathartic writing it but I now agree with most of you that it's not going to help the situation. I am going to try to talk to him again tonight but if he won't talk to me then I may just suggest we take a break so we can both figure out what we want. I do love the guy and I don't want to break up, but I am starting to feel undervalued and belittled. I guess I had doubts about this relationship from the start but it's really hard to recognise when enough is enough. At the moment, really, it's just the practicalities holding me back. 
SO has been giving me the silent treatment for three days now. No hello, no goodbye, nothing. He's even taken to sleeping on the sofa. And all because I snapped at him for keeping me waiting for half an hour when we were supposed to be somewhere at a certain time (and this is a regular occurrence). So I told him this morning that I would appreciate him coming home at a decent time tonight (he didn't get in till 10 last night - god knows where he's been) so that we can sit down and talk about this like two adults, because this is getting silly now. No reply so we'll see what happens. I don't see how a minor argument has been blown up into something of this magnitude, but his immaturity in dealing with this is astounding. We have been together for over 3 years. I think I deserve to be treated a little bit better than this. So I have written him a letter, and if he doesn't agree to talk through things tonight then I'm going to move into the spare room and leave it for him to read. I really hope it doesn't come to this because I think that may well be the end of our relationship, but sadly I think it will. I just can't cope with the prospect of getting the silent treatment every time we argue for years to come. :?
I have posted the letter below if you want to have a read of it and tell me whether it is too accusing in tone - I want it to make him believe I am serious about this but also leave the door open for reconciliation. :O
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SO,
Seeing as you won’t speak to me, I thought I would write you a letter explaining what is going on with me at the moment. I hope that our relationship is important enough to you to read this, because if we don’t talk about the things that bother us then we’re never going to make it as a couple in the long term.
Firstly, I’m confused. I’m confused as to why you are giving me the silent treatment over something as minor as me telling you that you were taking the p*** for keeping me waiting for half an hour. I would have expected you to be angry about it for a few hours. I would have expected you to tell me that you were angry about it when you came home later that night. What I did not expect was for you to ignore me all evening, then sneak out the following morning without even telling me you were going out, and then ignoring me for the rest of the day when you eventually came back seven hours later. And the following day. And the day after that.
I think you know that it upsets me when you’re not ready to go when I pick you up from the shop. If you have a small job to finish then I can understand that, and of course locking up takes a few minutes, but a lot of the time it’s you wanting to watch another video on YouTube, or continue talking to people about their bicycles (and not work-related, just for fun), or standing around having a smoke for 15 minutes. In those situations, I feel like a spare part and taken for granted. Like you don’t appreciate that I’ve gone out of my way to pick you up and that I may also have had a long day, and would like to go home to relax and spend some time with you (and only you). I can see things from your point of view, believe me, because I know that you do work hard and that you often don’t get a moment to yourself in the shop. I can understand that you want to wind down a bit at the end of it all. But what I don’t understand is why you can’t then ask me to pick you up at 6 o’clock, so that you have half an hour to do all that, and then be pretty much ready to go when I get there. I tried being late for a while to give you the chance to do this, but I often feel like this is pointless because you just continue with your day until I arrive and then initiate the wind down, rather than doing it before I arrive.
This upsets me. I think you know it upsets me. As I told you in that text message the other day, it is why I hardly ever offer to pick you up from the shop anymore now, even if I happen to be around your shop around closing time. I try to avoid that situation because I know I will feel angry when it does happen, and that we will inevitably be irritated with each other when I express that anger. On Saturday night, we had agreed to meet (my sister and her boyfriend) in town and they were already waiting for us at the restaurant. So when you still hadn’t closed the shop at 6pm, half an hour after I said I would pick you up, yes, I did get upset. And I did snap at you, because I felt like you weren’t taking my or their feelings seriously at all. So I let you that I was upset about this, and sure, I guess I could have gone about it in a more mature fashion, but I have tried that on multiple occasions. I feel like it never seems to make any difference. And this time my anger got the better of me.
Taking some time to yourself after an argument is fine. I don’t have a problem with that. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I can be a bit distant with you for a few hours after we’ve had a fight, however minor. I understand the need to think things through in your own mind and to calm down before wanting to talk about things. But giving me the silent treatment for days is hurtful. It has made me feel sad, it has made me feel rejected, it has made me feel angry with you. Maybe it was your intention to make me feel this way. If so, then congratulations, you have succeeded. Sadly you have also made me doubt our future as a couple, because if this is what I can expect every time we have an argument then I don’t think I can cope with that. I can cope with us arguing if we can talk out our differences at the end of it. But I can’t cope with you ignoring me for days on end. It is more hurtful than I think you realise, and it’s making me lose my confidence, it’s making me not want to be around you, and it sure as heck isn’t making me feel loving towards you.
I remember you saying a few times before that you would rather not speak to (BM) at all than to say hurtful things to her. I can only imagine that part of your motive for what is going on with us at the moment is to not say anything that would jeopardise our relationship even further. I guess the purpose of writing you this letter is to let you know that this silent treatment is far more hurtful than any words of yours could ever be, seeing as you won’t let me tell you this in person. I have always trusted you not to deliberately hurt me. I am telling you now that this hurts me. So I guess I'm trusting you now to put an end to this, and to just talk to me about what has happened, even if it is hard for you.
I am sleeping in the spare room tonight because I can’t stand the uncertainty of not knowing whether you are going to come to bed at night, seeing as you haven’t for the past two nights. This way, at least I know for certain that you won’t be there. I really hope we can talk about this like two responsible adults and work through this, because I do love you and I don’t want us to break up. Most of the time I am very happy being around you and I can see a future for us, as I’m sure you have gathered from my insistence on marrying you and having your babies, but if you can’t talk to me when I have upset you then this is not going to work for me. If you are upset then tell me so. But don’t leave me in limbo like this again.
Catgirl.
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Comments
This^^^^.... you lost even me
This^^^^.... you lost even me after the second paragraph. No way will ANY man continue to read past where you start rehashing what happened.
Just talk to the man. If he comes home late, get up and talk to him. If he sleeps on the couch, get up and sit on the couch and tell him that you would like to talk about what's bothering HIM. If you start right off with a tirade of what's bothering YOU, you will get nowhere.
this one works for me
this one works for me }:)
I agree with others that the
I agree with others that the letter is too long. I also think that if you send he will read it as a long list of complaints and nagging. If you send it the only thing you will do is push him further. It seems to me that the goal of a man is not to work on having a great relationship, but to simply live in peace.
I think that all of your points are valid, and that he is in the wrong. But let's face it no one likes to be confronted with how much of an asshole they are, no matter how true you know it to be, especially men.
If you want to send something I would just say that you are really hurt and would like to talk about it. Trust me that will go over better then a long letter listing every asshole thing that he does.
Most men lose interest in
Most men lose interest in anything that contains more then 10 words at a time. When reading , few get past the first line. The only exception is if what they are hearing or reading is complimenting them.
It has been my experience that "keeping it brief" works best. Long , drawn out explanations , one sided discussions, and the whole "feelings" thing sends them running for cover.
men don't usually use the
men don't usually use the silent treatment for so long over so minor a subject. the truth is that this man is not available. he's still emotionally (if not physically) attached to his ex. I read briefly of his lack of boundaries. i'd leave a letter alright. it would say "you can go sleep at bm's cause i'm done". this silent treatment thing is the LEAST of your problems.
There is a lot more going on
There is a lot more going on with him than the argument about him being late. He may be using that as an excuse to push you away and end it.
The silent treatment for days? Sleeping on the couch? Not good. It's a power play, for one thing, he knows it gets to you, makes you uncertain and keeps you off balance.
I wrote letters to my boyfriend in high school; you are adults and if he can't act like it and have a conversation with you about the relationship that the TWO of you are in, that says a lot. And if he won't even talk to you, I doubt he's going to read that letter (I didn't, way too long).
Take your power back, don't leave your life in his hands. You make a decision, let him know what that is and follow through. I would tell him, "We either talk about this or I start making other arrangements."
Or whatever you want to happen. I mean, if he doesn't want to talk to you, doesn't want to sleep with you, is it okay if you start dating?
First off he was
First off he was inconsiderate for keeping you waiting for a half hour. I don't see why he's mad at you. He should have apologized to you for keeping you waiting.
Next, if he's that big of a baby that he gets to use this minor argument for an excuse to stay out late; he's probably a cheater. Or entertaining the thought...
JMHO
And why do you want to be
And why do you want to be with this old fart?
^^^THIS. OP - 1st off, it's
^^^THIS.
OP - 1st off, it's too long. 2ndly, dont chase him. believe his actions, not his words. either he wants you, or he doesnt. as hard as that is to swallow... (((hugs)))
dont try to force-feed him your side of the story, doll. time to do some deep thinking as to what YOU need out of this relationship, and time for some deep, honest reflection as you ask yourself if your needs are being met (and if not, what you are willing to do to change this).
Catgirl, Like others, I read
Catgirl,
Like others, I read what you posted here and your history. I'm in year 3 of a relationship with an SO who was heavily enmeshed with the BM in the beginning. My SO changed, and it took therapy and a breakup for him to fully get where I needed him to be. And even now, there are slip ups in stressful situations with the kids where he will slip back into brief moments of care-taking the BM, who likes to prevent herself either as a helpless victim of life, or a scorned bitter toddler in a grownup's body.
I am also younger than my SO and have no children of my own. Though I am accomplished in my personal and professional life, he still tends to slip and treat me like I'm a child sometimes. It's the "mother as authority figure" paradigm that BM drilled into him; I'm not a mother so I'm not wise. I'm not a parent, so I can't possibly know. It drives me insane, since I have more common sense and insight than BM has, but lucky for him, treating me that way hardly ever happens anymore and he listens when I tell him he is acting in an undermining way.
My SO does not want more kids, which I understand, because he is older and he doesn't want to start over. He does tell me he wishes I were his kids' mother, and that he'd met me way back when. I am okay with not having kids of my own (even though it hurts sometimes), or I would not have stayed with him. And I will expect that if we stay together that marriage is in our near future. Years ago, he used to be totally anti-marriage, and that wasn't okay with me. BM's a loon - of course marriage and kids wasn't a good time! But I'm not BM. And it is important to me that he makes the public statement of proposing to me and marrying me so that I might be an official part of the family. We haven't had this talk yet, but I feel nervous about it. But I've also noticed he's willing to make little jokes about engagement or marriage these days, whereas before he'd never say those words if he could avoid it. I consider it a good sign.
If he won't marry me in a timeline that is acceptable, I will leave. I will refuse to have my life dictated by his experience with another (visibly crazy) woman.
My SO has done a great deal of work on himself (and a great deal of tuning out BM hysteria) because he wanted to do that. He wants to be with me, and he wants to be happy, and he could not continue pleasing BM and moving on with his life. He understood that choice had nothing to do with me as a person, it was part of letting go of an old relationship so that he could move into a new serious relationship.
Your SO hasn't changed because he doesn't want to change. His perfect life involves being enmeshed with BM, having his young hot chick at home for sexy times, and putting his energy into leveling the playing field between his girlfriend and his children. This is all from watching his actions; I don't need to know him to see his motivations. He sees that as his ideal life, and as far as I can tell, this isn't a good fit for your ideal life.
You are young. I know it feels like this guy is "it", but he's not. He's not being a good partner to you and therefore he cannot possibly be Your Man. And I wonder where your standards for yourself are. You seem to twist yourself up in knots to keep this relationship going, and it is causing you to feel resentful and overdramatic, so when something does come up, you lose your cool. That further cements the "third child" view of you in his mind.
This is a small argument, yes, but it seems like it is the straw that has broken the proverbial camel's back. He is fed up. And, honestly, it upsets me that you've stayed long enough that he's the one who is fed up with you. You have been way too yielding to him for years, and it has led him to view you as a doormat.
This man will not listen to your words. He will listen to actions, but maybe not even those. And it may take him some time. So rather than trying to twist him into the man you want him to be, stand up for your needs. Do not be so afraid of being alone that you stay with him even though he isn't meeting your needs. I know it's fun having someone, and it hurts like the dickens to walk away (my SO and I broke up for several months, remember?), and it's frightening to feel like you're starting over. I know. But this is not the life that you want for yourself. Accept that you cannot change other people. It would be wonderful if this man would listen to you and want to change, but he doesn't, so he's not meeting some very basic needs of yours. Is that the life that you want? Struggling for the scraps he's willing to give?
I hope whatever action you choose leads you to learn to begin to love yourself more than you love anyone else. Even when we're in a relationship, we have to hold onto that confidence and self-love, and we have to be able to see if it's time to put ourselves above others. You don't need someone to complete you, you are already complete. What you want is someone to share life with, and that person should give a crap about what you want out of life, and show you that he gives a crap. This one does that sometimes, but he's consistent in meeting BM's needs and in trying to show his kids that you're not a threat to them. Were he to become emotionally healthy, he could let go of those things and have more energy to be a good partner to you, but he doesn't want to let go of those. He wants to change nothing and find a girlfriend to quietly fit in to his current priorities. (Good luck with that, buddy.)
Dysfunctional and dramatic situations like the one you've been in can cause us to lose sight of ourselves and our needs, because we devote so much energy to trying to understand why others are acting so strangely. You've forgotten about you. Stop that. Spend some time asking yourself if your basic needs are being met.
The letter that you posted above is for you. It is for you to vent, it is not going to be perceived as useful to the recipient. You're going to pressure him and make him want to avoid you more.
And some general advice: If you want to talk to a man about something, keep it very focused and use D-E-A-R-M-A-N techniques: http://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/using-d-e-a-...