Well, it's been a long time since I last posted! Although I've been on here a few times when I've felt fed up with things - just reading other people's stories and knowing I'm not the only one struggling with being a stepparent is more helpful than I would have thought!

Quick catch-up: SO and I have been together for nearly five years now. He has two kids with BM, SD17 and SS10. SS was last year diagnosed with autism and is going to be attending a special needs school later this year as he apparently has bad meltdowns at school and at BM's home (although we've not seen any while he's stayed over at ours, but I accept his diagnosis). SD is now at college and has got herself a part-time job. They still spend the majority of their time at BM's home and SD hasn't stayed over at ours for a few months now, but SS comes to stay most weekends. SO and I have got engaged and are planning to get married next year, and are also hoping to have a child of our own in the near future.

So... SO and I had a joint birthday party a couple of months ago and invited SS and SD as well as our friends and family members. We even invited BM although she didn't turn up (which is fair enough - she and SO aren't very friendly right now). During the party, my conversation with SD turned briefly to our relationship with BM. I was careful not to be too candid but did say that I would like for SO, BM and I to have a better relationship, so that we could possibly do things like celebrate special birthdays together, or so that I can attend some of SS's school plays and special events, too. At the moment that isn't happening because SO and BM hate each other's guts and BM doesn't inform us of any school events going on. SD seemed happy with the idea and I do actually think it would make everybody's lives that bit easier. At the end of the day BM and the Skids aren't going anywhere, and because things had been going so well between me and the Skids I didn't think anything of having that conversation with SD17. She's nearly an adult now and I thought she was mature enough to handle a conversation like that. Oh boy, was I wrong.

SO got a text message from BM the next day stating that she wanted me to contact her, and threatening to come over to our house if I didn't. I phoned her later in the day and she said she wanted to meet up with me to have a chat but didn't say what about. SO was due to go away for a few days and so I agreed to meet up with BM at a local coffee shop. BM and I haven't had a lot of contact and I only spoke to her on her own once before this time, when SO was too ill to pick SS up for his overnight stay. So I was pretty nervous and not too sure what she wanted to speak to me about. Well, it turned out that the main reason she wanted to talk to me was to inform me, quite firmly, that I had no business trying to interfere with the way she was raising her kids and that I needed to be very clear that I have no role to play in their lives other than happening to be SO's new girlfriend. She told me that apparently, SD had come home from our birthday party pretty upset, not so much about what I had said but because SO told her at the party that he was sad that he isn't seeing much of her anymore now that she's in college and has a part-time job. But it turns out that BM did some digging and SD told her all about the conversation I had with her at the party, and she wasn't best pleased with what SD told her. Most of the rest of the conversation was taken up by her complaining to me about SO and how he's being a terrible ex-husband, and how hard it is for her to raise two children on her own, and how there's zero chance that we will ever do anything together as a kind of extended family.

I tried to reassure BM that I'm not trying to criticise her parenting decisions and that I'm not interested in trying to play an active parenting role. I also informed her that, as I wasn't around when she and SO were together, I am in no position to make any judgements around their relationship then or now, and that I'm not interested in how they're working out child support and the like. I think BM left feeling a bit happier about the situation but I left feeling much worse. That didn't improve when SO spoke to SD two days later, and SD told him that BM had told her all about the conversation BM and I had.

Long story short, I feel a little betrayed by SD for going behind my back and, by the sounds of it, grossly exaggerating to BM about what I said at the party. I also feel pretty annoyed that BM has told SD all about what was said between us, in what I believed to be a private conversation between two adults. This isn't at all helped by the fact that SD started her conversation with SO by saying "well you know that BM had a word with Catgirl the other day..." because that almost makes me look like a scolded child. The whole thing infuriates me. Up until this point I tried very hard to stay out of any of the politics associated with being a stepparent, but because things had been going so well I guess I thought my relationship with SD had matured to a point where I could talk to her a little bit more openly. Sadly, I have learned that she is still a child and that it is therefore inappropriate for me to talk to her about anything related to BM. This makes me sad, because I now feel awkward around SD and am inclined to just disassociate from her altogether, because the last thing I want to be is the person in the middle of this whole dynamic. So for now I am once again taking a step back, seeing as I think I overstepped the mark altogether in the first place...