Kay Guys, here's the letter I am planning on giving DH. I changed all the names to the ones I use on here so hopefully it won't be confusing. I would love any comments, suggestions, advice and feedback. I really hope I am doing the right thing here, but it's being causing be a lot of anxiety to have this giant elephant in the room that I can't talk about. I tried to be as honest and tactful as I could, but I didn't sugar coat anything either. Thanks for reading every one and I appreciate your advice and support more than I can say!!! It's a really long letter because this is stuff I have been mulling over and agonizing about for years.

The letter (I haven't given it to him yet):

Hey Sweetheart,

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and I figured the best way for me to be clear and express myself is through writing. First of all, I love you so much and you are my world, so I don’t want you to feel like I am criticizing you. I think you are a wonderful father and I love and admire you for what a great dad you are and how much you love the boys. This is really hard for me to express and you know that I have struggled off and on with being a step-mom and have worked through a lot of my issues, but I feel like it’s a taboo topic and things have been coming up that I have been agonizing over privately because I have been scared to bring it up with you. I want our marriage to be honest and for you to know how I really feel in ALL ways. I know that we can work and get through anything if we work together and I want this family to work more than anything in the world. I know the boys are a sensitive subject and I don’t ever want to hurt you or cause you to become super defensive and shut down when we talk about it, so I thought I could write it all down and let you read it and take your time to process what I’m saying so that we can discuss this and make some progress.
I have some pretty serious concerns and it’s been bothering me for a long time, but I feel like it’s gotten worse and more serious lately and I am having a really hard time coping with it, especially because I feel like I’m dealing with it all alone because I am scared to talk to you about it because I don’t want to upset you or hurt your feelings. Please keep in mind that this is just my feelings and opinions about the situation and whether they are right or wrong or if you disagree with what I am saying, they are my feelings and opinions and I want to be able to get to the point where I can tell you everything and not have any topics that we can’t discuss. I feel like I can tell you anything and you are my closest confidant in all other areas, but I’d love to be able to talk about everything with you and not have any off-limit topics.
I have two issues that have been upsetting me. The first is the different ways the boys are treated by you. Nobody knows more than me how much you love both SS6 and SS12 and that is never in question. The problem that I see is that you clash with SS12 a lot and are a lot harder on him than you are with SS6. So much anger comes out at SS12 and he is scared of you and SS6 gets the opposite treatment. If you get really mad at SS6, he bursts into tears and gets comfort and apologies from you and it seems really manipulative and unfair to SS12. I know there is an age difference, and I agree that they should receive consequences appropriate for their ages, but what I see is that SS12 gets way too much criticism and not a lot of warmth and affection from you and SS6 gets tons of warmth, affection, cuddles, hugs and almost constant positive attention. I know you love them both equally, but the way it comes across, it appears that you genuinely like SS6 as well as loving him, but that you do not like SS12, even though you clearly love him. I worry about his relationship with you because he desperately wants your approval and affection, but he doesn’t know how to go about getting it. I can see him having a similar relationship with you that you have with your dad and I can see the bitterness building up in him. The big difference is when the boys get in trouble. When SS12 gets in trouble, he gets harsh lectures that go on so long that I think he just blanks you out and stops listening. You tell him something and then repeat it over and over again and I think it just sends him into stress mode where he can’t process it or he just zones you out. Your anger and frustration with him come through loud and clear and where they should be simple discipline and consequences without the obvious anger. SS6, on the other hand, gets the benefit of the doubt much of the time and when he breaks a rule and gets a consequence, it comes across as very gentle, with no anger towards him. I think consequences for both the boys should be devoid of anger. I have seen SS6 stand behind you when SS12 is getting in trouble and he has a smug smile on his face and seems thrilled that SS12 is in trouble. It’s really upsetting to see and he always hides it from you, in the way that BM was like a different person when you weren’t there, SS6 is very similar and is very careful to only show you a certain side. He is very sneaky and manipulative and I’ve seen it over and over again. I think that one of the reasons that SS12 comes to me when he has a conflict with SS6 is because he KNOWS I will be fair and that I see through SS6 and can’t be manipulated by him. By not being a biological parent, I don’t have that overpowering love that can cause major blind spots when it comes to my step-kids. SS12 also comes to me when he has any personal questions or worries, not you or BM, and I think it’s because he knows I have his back and will not jump all over him or criticize him.
I’ve also noticed that when SS6 does break a rule and gets in trouble, he tends to get much shorter, lighter lectures and many, many times I have seen him try (and succeed) at getting comfort from you while he is being punished. A lot of times, you don’t believe that he has broken a rule and have to have it proven before you give a consequence as if you can’t believe he would do the thing. Whereas with SS12, he gets an outburst of anger before it has even been proven that he has done anything wrong. For example, the other day when SS6 lied to me about the books for his reading after I clearly and carefully explained it to him and asked him twice if he understood or had any questions. He knew very well that he had directly disobeyed me and he was counting on you taking his side and believing him that he didn’t consciously and knowingly disobey a direct order when that is exactly what he did. He is six years old and knows the rules and had been given a specific rule by me that he completely disregarded. It was clear to me that when he was confronted; he said he didn’t understand because he thought that was the best way to get out of trouble. He was counting on you believing him, as you usually do, and he kept backtracking and contradicting himself because he was lying to avoid getting in trouble. I knew that he understood me, and the warning bells went off for me when I asked him to show me the books he had read. If he really hadn’t understood me, he would not have turned bright red, looked shamed and then only brought the books out when I insisted. He would have brought them right out without any hesitation, red face or guilt and fear all over his face. He knew right then that he had been caught disobeying me and that was part of the reason he read in his bedroom rather than out in the living room like he normally does. I’ve been around a lot of kids and I can tell when they are lying and being sneaky. I was proven right and his fear of showing me the books made it crystal clear that he knew he wasn’t supposed to read them and that I had specifically told him not to read those particular books. That’s why I was so upset when we were talking to him and instead of admitting it, he kept coming up with excuses that were total lies (“I didn’t understand” “I didn’t hear you” etc…). If this was an isolated event, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but I am really worried and disturbed that he has been having this behavior for a while now and this was just one of the times I was able to prove it to you. Most of the time, he gets away with it and I get so upset at the unfairness that I have to leave the house and get away. At that point, when I see SS6 manipulate you and lie, I get so upset that even hearing his voice makes me feel sick and when he touches me, my skin crawls. No matter what though, I have never and will never push him away and keep affection from him (unless he is in the middle of experiencing a consequence) and even though I naturally prefer SS12, for his sweetness, good heart, his sweetness with babies, little kids and animals, and the fact that he clearly has a well functioning conscious (he gets very upset when he’s hurt someone else and clearly has a lot of empathy for other people), I never show preference for SS12 over SS6 because I could never do that to any child. As a parent, even if you like one child more than the other, you HAVE to show equal affection and attention or they will know it in a heartbeat and wind up with serious parent issues as adults.
. My BFF has an autistic child and so she understands kids with special needs, but she has pretty much said the same thing about SS6 (albeit in a softer, more tactful way than that another friend, being my BFF). One of the reasons that she tries to only visit me when the kids aren’t here is that SS6 has been just awful to her kids, especially Kid 1 1/2, who is still a toddler. BFF, of all people, would NEVER want to hurt your feelings and she knows what it’s like to be sensitive of other people judging her kids, so she will not ever mention this to you, but we have had many conversations about it and she basically agrees with me after seeing SS6 be mean, sneaky and selfish with her kids and observed how different he is whenever you are there. She commented that it seems like he regresses at least two years and starts mispronouncing things and acting helpless and babyish with you and it shocks her that he follows you around and seems incapable of going without your attention for more than a few seconds. Another friend noticed the same, and that was years ago, when SS6 was much younger. I have had comments from a lot of friends as well as my entire family and all those people, with their different personalities, diversity in kid experience and differing views on life, have all said essentially the same thing. I think we should take that pretty seriously. The friends we have that like the kids (well, everyone likes SS12, I’m specifically talking about SS6) only see them in very short time frames (ten-fifteen minutes) and during that time the kids are usually playing video games and not interacting with them or SS6 is doing the same cutesey act he does with you. You then have friends (such as ---) who barely see the kids, know them on a very brief and superficial level, and then tell you that they are “such great kids.” They see SS6 on his “Dad behavior” and don’t know him as a person or see him interact with other kids at all. No one wants to interfere, insult you or hurt your feelings, but I think given my feelings and experiences, as their Step-mom, who knows them extremely well and spends a lot of time with them, my feelings and opinions need to be taken seriously and the comments and observations of others just support what I am trying to express to you. I just want you to know that this is not just in my head, but is a real problem and as hard as it is, if you love SS6, you will have to face and explore his issues and do what you can (with my help, love and support of course) to get to the bottom of this and get him some help. If you choose to live in denial and reject out of hand what I am saying you are only doing SS6 the disservice and he is the one who will suffer in life. He is going to face some seriously hard knocks in life if he doesn’t get some psychological help now and could potentially be dangerous to himself or others. As agonizing as it is for a loving parent to face these things, I think you have to put aside your own feelings and do what is right for SS6 and the rest of your family; SS12 and Me, who both love and admire you very much.
If it had been SS12 in the House guest Friend situation, you would have been openly angry and immediately gone in and told him off and sent him to time out, but with SS6, you appear to think that his motivations can never be bad and that when he breaks a rule, he is given the benefit of the doubt and you have to be convinced with concrete proof before you even believe that he could break a rule and then lie about it. I don’t know if it’s conscious on his part, but I have noticed that whenever SS6 does get in trouble, he goes to you for comfort and I think he feels like you’re his ally and will back him up no matter what, even if he is in the midst of being punished for rule breaking or lying. From my perspective, it looks like he is manipulating you and trying to get out of being in trouble by acting needy and getting you to give him attention and comfort when he is supposed to be experiencing a consequence. Your affection and liking for SS6 is all over your face when you interact with him and with SS12, you just seem angry and irritated most of the time. He doesn’t get the affection, snuggles and comfort that SS6 demands all the time.
I am very concerned about his morality and it bothers me that he has such a hard time being nice to other kids. He is very territorial with his toys, yet he brings them out to show them off to kids that are visiting and then seems to enjoy the power he has to not let the other kids play with certain toys. Nephew has come up to me multiple times and said that he thinks SS6 is mean and that he is scared of him and that freaks me out and brings out the protective Mama Bear in me. I have a feeling that SS6 is insanely jealous of Nephew and the attention he gets and I’ve caught him glaring at him and it gives me the heebie jeebies. I’m really not comfortable having them play together unsupervised because SS6’s behavior has been fairly hostile to other kids and especially Nephew. He is careful not to do anything in front of you, but almost every time SS6 and Nephew go into a room together alone, Nephew comes out crying because SS6 has been mean to him! Nephew has his issues too, but he doesn’t lie and he is a very sweet natured and loving little boy.
SS6’s relationship with you is another worry of mine. I know you love him dearly and want to spend as much time with him as possible, but SS12 gets left out quite a bit and I think SS6 has developed an unhealthy and clingy attachment to you that goes beyond normal father-son relationships. He is extremely clingy and demands attention from you almost every second. You can’t even go into the bathroom without SS6 trying to follow you. He clings to you and therefore isn’t developing the independence skills that he needs to be developing at his age. He needs to learn how to entertain himself and play on his own because he literally does not know what to do if you aren’t actively playing with him. Unless he’s playing a video game, he can’t seem to do anything independently and whenever he asks for you to play with him, you never fail to say no, unless you’re cooking dinner or something along those lines and then you start playing with him and giving him your undivided attention as soon as you are done with what you are doing. You are teaching SS6 that he is the most important person in the house and that he can ask for and get your attention any time you can spare it and you will jump over and give him what he wants. He is learning that you prioritize your time with him over your time with SS12 and Me, the other two in the family that are frequently left out. Both of the boys are too dependent and need to just be kids and learn how to play on their own and entertain themselves. They need to be outside playing, building forts and using their imagination. Neither of them does any creative hobby and they should be inventing elaborate and imaginative games and playing on their own or with other kids their age. It’s not normal or healthy to spend all play time with you, as much as you love them. I suggest a specific block of time each day (1/2 hour per kid) where they each get to play with you and have your undivided attention and the rest of the time they need to be playing and learning the creativity skills they simply don’t have because all they know how to do to entertain themselves is play video games or get on the computer. SS6 plays with toys, but begs you the entire time to play with him or ask you to watch him and he is developing unhealthy dependent behavior and isn’t learning how to be a normal kid. His creativity and imagination are severely lacking and he is academically and socially a couple of years behind where he should be. Most people who meet him think that he is four years old because of his behavior and lack of verbal and expressive skills. I know that because you don’t have the boys full time, you try to make up for the lost time by spending every chance you can playing with SS6, but I think it’s actually enabling him and encouraging his overdependence. Being a good dad does involve spending time with your kids, but it actually harms them in the long run if you spend every spare second with them rather than letting them be like normal kids and learn to play creatively on their own. Neither of the boys do any non-video game computer related activities on their own and they are missing out on all the years when children’s creativity is at its highest peak. They don’t have any hobbies that don’t involve having you play with them. I really think they are too sheltered and need to be given time and space to figure out how to play creatively on their own, without an adult hovering and helping out. Even if he is playing in the living room with toys, SS6 constantly asks you to look at him and give him attention and he needs to know that you need to balance your family life so that everyone gets equal attention. I think it would be best for the boys if they were encouraged to be more independent and if they can’t find something to do (other than video games and computers) they need to figure it out themselves rather than having you swoop in and provide entertainment, suggest something to do or play with SS6 every time he asks you. We can make sure both boys have adequate attention and play time and I suggest a family game night since you like to play board and card games with the kids. It would be something they would look forward to, but they would have plenty of time to play on their own, especially outside, and just be kids!
SS6’s social skills are a big concern to me too. It’s funny because SS12 has Aspergers and his social skills are actually pretty good now and much better than SS6’s, with the odd awkward moment here and there. All my friends and family love SS12 and everyone is worried and disturbed by SS6’s behavior. Their opinions don’t really matter, but mine do. I am your wife and the boys step-mother. SS6 is losing his “cute” toddler looks and everyone has noticed that he looks angry and sulky most of the time. His face has changed a lot over the past few years and he has a perpetually angry, sulky look and his smiles come out as forced grimaces, like someone is pulling string at the sides of his mouth, but with no warmth in his eyes or face. I know you probably can’t see it because he is your baby and you see the best in him, but his face is starting to look really mean. He holds his lips in a tight line and I don’t know if it’s an awkward stage or what, but his facial expressions are so negative a lot of the time that he just doesn’t look like a nice kid. I would have avoided him on the playground when I was little and it seems like it’s getting harder and harder to get pictures of him where he doesn’t look angry and mean. It’s not a good look and since he inherited BM’s round face, if makes the frowns even more noticeable and unattractive. It’s not that he’s inherently ugly, I wouldn’t care about that if he was because he is NOT BM and is his own person, but he is turning into an unattractive kid because of his facial expressions and behavior. Even though he is 6 years old, he seems to be at least two years behind socially and academically. I have been very worried because he doesn’t seem to be able to learn very easily. Everything has to be repeated slowly and explained and he has a hard time remembering everything, even the topic he is currently talking about. I can’t tell if it really is a memory problem or if it’s an I.Q. problem, a learning disability or just a lack of paying attention. He comes across like a four year old, rather than a six year old and I find that very troubling and worrisome. Whenever people come over and are kind to him, he responds extremely coldly and nobody I know likes him.
I do love SS6 and absolutely have his best interests at heart, but to be totally honest, I love him, but I don’t particularly like him. This is all really hard for me to express to you, but I am doing it because I love you, I love SS6 and I love SS12. I want our family to be happy and healthy and as my husband you need to know what I really think and feel, even if it’s hard to hear/read. The qualities I value in children just aren’t there with him. He seems really cold, he’s not nice to other kids, especially younger ones, animals and babies don’t like him and he is consistently rude and cold with visitors to our home. I still don’t trust him in a room with Nephew alone because of the backpack incident a few years ago, so I keep an eagle eye out for any problems and monitor him pretty closely when Nephew is here.
I know that you love him to death and I think you should! One problem I see is that I think you project yourself way too much onto SS6 and he is a completely different person than you were when you were a kid. I know you were shy, sweet, moody and sensitive and I agree that SS6 is shy and moody and is sensitive, but SS6 is NOT you. He is a completely different person and it does our whole family a disservice for you to treat SS6 the way you wish your dad had treated you, when SS6 isn’t you and has completely different needs than you did as a kid. I’ve only ever seen him get upset over things that negatively affect him, rather than showing compassion for others. He does nice things but it’s almost always for show and in front of you and he points it out and asks if we noticed the nice thing he did. That’s not altruism, that’s approval-seeking behavior. His sensitivity is for himself not others. I think you were a sweet, quirky, shy little boy, but it’s a mistake to see yourself too much in SS6, because he isn’t you and I think you have some pretty major differences. Like when BFF’s kid (who was 1 and ½ at the time) was playing with one of the toys in the toy bin and SS6 told him it was his and that he wanted it back, BFF’s kid, being a toddler who didn’t speak English yet and couldn’t understand SS6, wouldn’t let him take it out of his hands and SS6’s response was to go into his room and sob on his bed and then tell me that he hates BFF’s kid. That is not a well-adjusted child and it bothers me that he would act like that with a toddler!
He cried for about an hour and then was sulky and rude to BFF, Bff’s kids, for the rest of the time they visited. I’m not trying to complain about specific events, I am worried about the underlying pattern and I have seen variations on this behavior many times.
I think our family needs more balance of attention and that we need to start functioning like a family unit, rather than a solar system that revolves around SS6. I know you wouldn’t dream of pushing SS6 away and that is not what I’m suggesting. I think a good solution would be to spend a certain limited time playing with SS6 and then encourage him to be independent and play by himself, have friends over or play with SS12. When the boys are here, SS6 takes center stage because he is so demanding and wants and needs things almost constantly. If you pay attention to anyone else, including SS12, Me, your friends, people you are on the phone with etc…he does everything he can to get your attention back to him. He needs to respect that you have to juggle your time and that you have other people to give attention to, not to mention yourself. Six years old is too old to act so babyish and have you rush in and do the things that he doesn’t want to do, but is perfectly capable of doing himself. He still needs quality attention, but SS12 and I need your attention too and I feel like SS12 comes in second and I come in last (only when the boys are here, when they’re not, you are wonderfully attentive and loving to me). SS12 is coping with it by shutting you out emotionally and retreating to his room, but I feel like I get dropped like a hot potato whenever SS6 has the tiniest need (most of which I know he can do himself). I’ve never known a dad who comes home, rushes to get snacks for the kids, and then rushes through everything else in order to devote hours and hours to playing with their six year old. Yes, it’s great to play with your kids, but it should be limited, especially because it’s not doing SS6 any good to have you jump when he says and know that he can steal the attention from anyone else in the family by asking for your attention. I’ve noticed that he is even competitive with me and I will not compete with a six year old for my husband’s attention! Every time that you show me affection or cuddle up with me on the couch, SS6 manages to work his way in and it feels like he is jealous of the attention you do give me and that he can’t respect that, as your wife, I deserve undivided attention too and when I hug you or cuddle with you, I don’t want SS6 climbing in between us to try to get attention too. I don’t want to monopolize your attention either, but I think we should all get a fair and equal amount and you need to set boundaries with SS6 so that he respects that we need to be affectionate with each other without him hovering, trying to interrupt or trying to wedge himself into the hug or your lap. He gets more than enough quality time with you, but he can’t seem to handle it when the focus goes off him, especially when you are affectionate or giving attention to SS12 and I. I was very disturbed the other day with the whole lying and disobeying over his reading because while he was being talked to and given a consequence, SS6 crawled into your lap like a young toddler and I firmly believe that when a consequence is being meted out, the behavior should not be rewarded by comfort and cuddles. During a consequence, the child needs to know that they are having a consequence and it sends horribly mixed messages if you are handing out a fair consequence and cuddling and comforting the child at the same time. He learns that no matter what rules he breaks, he will still get cuddles and affection (a basic behaviorism reward), even while he is being punished. I believe the best way to handle this is to withhold rewarding behavior (hugs, comfort, cuddling) while the child is being disciplined and then AFTER they have had their consequence and apologized, THEN the cuddling and comfort are perfectly appropriate. If Nephew was having a temper tantrum and Sister told him his consequences while cuddling with him and comforting him, the consequence would be completely pointless and Nephew would learn that he still gets reward behavior and affection, even when he’s in trouble. Kids know that you love them, even when they are in trouble and it’s good parenting to be firm and fair when disciplining, but handing out affection and comfort at the same time is ineffective, confusing and just lets him know that no matter how much trouble he’s in, he’s not really in trouble because you are cuddling and giving affection. With this same episode, SS6 was upset and in my opinion, his bad behavior was rewarded even more because you spent a long time with him in his room comforting him and giving him attention! That was the reward he got for openly disobeying me and lying about it. If SS12 had done the same thing, and was sulking and pouting in his room, you would have ignored it, which is frankly much more healthy. SS12 is going to end up being far better adjusted socially than SS6 because he doesn’t get coddled in the same way. It’s a disservice to SS6 and will hinder him functioning in the adult world because he won’t have a daddy to run to for hugs and cuddles when he’s done something wrong. It wasn’t like he broke a rule by mistake; he listened to me, I could tell he understood and then I asked him twice and he said he understood. He deliberately disobeyed me and I don’t think that hugs, cuddles and comfort are a good reward for deliberately breaking the rules. When he was trying to come up with an excuse for why he disobeyed me, he said a bunch of different things in an obvious attempt to get out of the blame (I didn’t hear you. I didn’t understand you. Okay, I did understand you…) He tried one after the other and it couldn’t have made his guilt more obvious. The additional lying in order to get out of trouble is most definitely not okay and it worries me that he doesn’t mind lying and breaking rules, he just doesn’t want to get caught.
I don’t know what to do to cope with this and I am working on dealing with my feelings over the matter, but it’s not just a problem in my head, it’s a real problem and I feel like you have avoided it because you don’t want to face that there could be something seriously wrong with SS6, psychiatrically, and that his behavior is really not normal or acceptable. I am absolutely not the only one who has noticed this and a lot of people are concerned. This might sound really harsh, but everyone in my family, from my dad, to my mom, to sister are all concerned and think that SS6 might be sociopathic. He does and says things to get approval and seem nice, but if comes across as really fake and unnatural and gives most people the creeps. Everyone cares about him and wants the best for him, but the whole family, not to mention my friends, have all said the same thing. I know bio-parents have an overpowering love for their children, as they should, but I also think that parents get blind spots with their kids and refuse to face the real issues and problems. I know it’s been really hard to have a son with Autism, but sometimes I feel like you compare SS6 to SS12 and because SS6 doesn’t have Autism, you assume that his behavior is normal, when it’s actually not.
There have been a lot of red flags with him and I think we need to figure out a way to give BOTH SS6 and SS12 equal time, attention and affection, but they also need to become more independent, especially SS6, and there needs to be more balance in our family. I know SS12 feels like SS6 is your favorite and it breaks my heart. SS12 has his own problems and can be maddeningly annoying, but I find SS6’s behavior far more annoying because so much of it is attention-getting behavior and he regresses to four year old behavior all the time, in order to get more attention and have you help him do the basic things he should be doing at his age. He needs to start figuring things out for himself, learn to play without your constant attention and he needs to see that you have as much affection for SS12 as you do for him.
So, you see I have a lot of anxiety about this and I don’t want to upset you or insult you as a dad because I don’t know any dad that loves his kids as much as you do, but I also want to be able to talk to you about this and tell you my worries, concerns and observations. I personally, am going to talk to Dr. ----- and work on my issues with step-parenting, and I have high hopes for him helping me to deal with this, but I also think that this is definitely not just my issue. I think we need to take a look at SS6, without comparing him to SS12 and his Aspergers, and I think he needs to see a child counselor and at least be evaluated and we should hear what a professional has to say.

Love, Your Wife