A Vent:

Kay, well, my little step-update is that pretty much everything in my life is going really well, but I am really struggling with dealing with my younger skid. My main concern is communicating with my DH about the situation.
My SS12 is doing great in general and our relationship is getting better and better. He is still obnoxious and definitely has issues, but I am happy to report that he is turning into a very nice, goofy teenager. It's been smooth sailing with him since he last got in big trouble for breaking some major rules and it's obvious that he is making a huge effort to be well-behaved and follow the rules. He is also really sweet and kind with small children and animals and the animals that I care for during the day (one of my jobs) love him and he gives endless belly rubs to the doggies and has been working on teaching them tricks. He has been detaching emotionally from BM and is pretty disgusted with her recent behavior (as a pre-teen, he is finally starting to pick up on a lot of things about BM that went over his head a year ago).
SS6 on the other hand is another can of worms. I am so upset and frustrated about him that I don't really know what to do? I am going to see a counselor so I will have professional advice and a neutral person to talk to and I'm hoping that helps me cope with the things I can't change. My mom is a counselor and she referred me to a counselor that she says is wonderful and specializes in marriage and family counseling, so fingers crossed! I don't know what I can do about SS6 and his problems, so I am going to give it my all in the areas I can improve, such as coping emotionally and communicating with my husband about the situation. Even if I can figure out a way to cope with SS6 emotionally and am also able to have open and constructive communication about SS6 with DH, I will be contented with that.
I really don't know if much can be done about SS6 himself and I feel really discouraged and depressed about it. Basically, his behavior has gotten worse and worse and as he's gotten older it has become obvious that something is very, very wrong with him. Out of all my friends and family, every single person has said the same thing; that he is a nasty, mean kid and that he gives them the creeps. It disturbs me that totally different friends that I haven't filled in with the details of his behavior have all made comments about SS6 being a future serial killer!
Now that he is 6 years old, he has completely lost all babyish features in his face and therefore doesn't get any "you're so cute!" responses from adults that younger kids and toddlers tend to get. That was his only manipulation that he had and now that no one thinks he's cute, he has been frustrated and angry and his social skills are appalling and getting worse. He looks A LOT like BM, which is unfortunate for him, so now I have to look at a miniature version of BM's round face and bulging eyes. It's not his fault that he inherited genetics from her, but since his personality seems to have come just from her side of the family, it makes it worse for him. He's getting really ugly and part of it is just unfortunate genetics (round moon face, bulging eyes and more gums than teeth), but the worst part comes from who he is and his personality and facial expressions. He very rarely smiles and looks angry and mean all the time. He is sulky, pouty and tries his best to get attention from adults by acting whiny and clingy. When he does smile (for family pictures etc...) it's not actually a real smile, he just pulls his mouth into a grimace and the rest of his face stays completely immobile. It looks like he doesn't know how to smile and is an alien trying to imitate humans in order to stay undetected! There is never any warmth and I've only seen him smile for real when he watches violent cartoons or someone gets hurt or upset. When SS12 gets in trouble, SS6 gets a nasty smirk on his face and he does his best to push the blame on SS12 for rule breaking and use him as a scapegoat. Luckily for SS12, I am extremely fair and he knows that I won't let SS6 get away with anything and I don't have parent blinders on like DH does.
I am relieved and validated that so many people are noticing SS6's problems too, although it doesn't help to fix the problems. At school, there have been more than five incidents involving sneaky violence towards the other kids and lots of lying and manipulation to cheat and get away with things. He doesn't have any friends and none of the kids like him (for good reason!). He was just recently assigned a special ed. counselor, but DH is too upset to talk about it (a major problem!) right now and so I don't know what their diagnosis is or what exactly the problem is from their perspective? I know he was at risk for being expelled at the beginning of the school year, but he wasn't and the problems since then have been pushed under the rug by DH, so it's very frustrating. Most of my friends have kids, so we have kids in our house all the time (which I love!), not to mention my nephew and niece. I DO NOT let SS6 be alone with any of the little kids and it's always a nightmare when he is there too. He is nasty and rude to other children and likes to bring out his favorite toys and then tell the other kids that they can't play with them. I put an end to that though! I told him that if he has toys he doesn't want other kids to play with, he has to keep them in his room when we have kids over and if he brings toys out to the living room, he will have to share them and be gracious about it. SS6 is VERY jealous of my nephew, mostly because everyone loves him and he's so cute and sweet that he naturally gets a lot of affection and attention. Nephew also happens to be a sweetheart and is super good natured with SS6's BS, which just seems to make SS6 more angry.
When we have friends or family over (it happens a lot) I am always anxious and embarrassed by SS6's behavior. When people say hi to him and try to be nice and talk to him and ask him about his toys, school, video games etc... he won't make eye contact, has a nasty frown and refuses to interact in more than rude, terse one-word, sulky answers. Animals hate him (and I put a lot of stock in my animals and their takes on people-my cats and one dog have never been wrong!). My cats hiss and growl anytime he comes near them (whereas the cats love SS12 and follow him around trying to get belly rubs or sit on his lap).
DH is in complete denial over this and SS6 is his favorite, to my utter bewilderment. He completely and totally buys SS6's act and thinks that the situation is that SS6 is shy, sweet and sensitive, much like DH was when he was little. DH actually was shy, sweet and sensitive, but his son sure isn't. DH has told me many times that he sees himself in SS6 and I think that's part of why he can't see him clearly for what he is. He is projecting himself onto SS6 and they are completely different people. I think he sees a mini-me and wants to give him the caring and nurturing that he didn't get from his aloof parents. The big problem is that SS6 is NOT DH and DH is not able to see past his own childhood issues and projection to see what SS6 is really like and what his problems are. Nothing upsets DH more than any tiny criticism about SS6 even if it's done in the most caring and tactful way. It seems to hit a big nerve and he's just not ready to face it. What makes it worse is that SS6 is fully aware that he has his dad wrapped around his finger. He is an expert manipulator with DH and it makes my skin crawl to watch it. He has a babyish act where he purposefully speaks like a toddler and mispronounces most of his words (and it's a distinct difference from when DH isn't there). He is VERY sneaky and lies constantly. We went through the lying thing with SS12, who now very rarely lies and when he does it's obvious and easy to spot because he feels ashamed. Unlike SS6, SS12 seems to realize that lying is wrong). Anytime I say no to a request from SS6, he tries going to DH to get him to say yes and basically tries to go around my back. That is explicitly against the rules and he knows it. It's also really stupid because he ALWAYS gets caught and that's one of the few times that DH gets frustrated with him. Our family rules are that if one parent says yes or no, that's the final answer and the other parent will back the first parent. Many, many times he gets a no from one of us and then goes to the other parent and if he gets a yes from that one, he will disobey the first parent he asked. We have talked to him about this many times and it just hasn't sunk in. I have had a lot of people tell me they think he's a sociopath and it's true that he doesn't appear to have any sense of morals or values and doesn't care about what's right or wrong. Basically, he cares about getting caught but he never shows remorse for any rule breaking, although if he gets in trouble, he will cry and feel sorry for himself. It's exhausting because I can't count on him at all to follow basic rules and I can't trust that he won't lie, steal or hurt his brother or other kids (or pets). That means I have to be watching constantly and it's tiring and depressing.
For example, today he tried to get out of doing his homework by claiming that he was sick. He lied and said he was throwing up and I got him a pail to throw up in and said to show me when he had thrown up. He got really angry and just spat into the bucket a lot, obviously trying to create the illusion that he had thrown up. I heard him in the bathroom making spitting sounds (and I know the difference between that and puking!). I opened the door and he jumped and turned bright red. I totally caught him just spitting into the bucket. I told him that spitting and throwing up are completely different and that if you spit into something that does not make you sick or mean that you are throwing up. I had to run an errand and so I left the house for a bit, but when I got home, DH was in the shower, SS12 was reading and listening to music in his room (he had done all his homework and was just having chill time) and there was SS6 playing video games in the living room! We have gone over it thousands of times and he KNOWS the rules and that he is absolutely not allowed to play games until he has done his homework and reading. He tried breaking this rule when my guy BFF was staying with us (see earlier blog) and he got in huge trouble for that and knows very well that he was breaking a major family rule. Again, he jumped and turned red when I came in and I was so upset I was shaking. I asked him if he had done his homework and reading (although I knew he hadn't) and he just sat there sulking and looking angry. He said, "I'm going to wait for my dad to get out of the shower..." (presumably to manipulate him into not backing me up) and I was like "no, you are not!" He didn't have homework, but he had his reading and practice sentences to do. I turned off the game console and told him to go do his reading and he suddenly clutched his stomach and said he was "too sick" and was going to throw up. I was sooooo sick of his bullshit today!! I told him that if he really was sick, he could go lay down on his bed without playing with any toys and if he felt well enough to play video games then he was well enough to do his reading! THEN, I told him to go get a book (and reminded him of the rule that he read something he had never read before. He can read whatever he wants in his spare time, but for his daily reading, the rule is that the book has to be unread by him, otherwise he will read the same one over and over again and eventually doesn't read, just has it memorized, ruining the whole point of the exercise). He brought out a book and of course it was one he has read before. I told him he needed to find something else (I have a vast children's book collection) because he's already read it and he lied and said he hadn't. Unfortunately for him, I was there the last time he read that and I reminded him of that. He then admitted he had read it and I said, "I know, now go find another book." He came out of his room with ANOTHER book he had already read. I finally went in his room and made a pile of books he hasn't read so he could pick one from the stack. I very clearly and blatantly told him that he HAD to pick one of those books and that he was NOT allowed to read the books he had come up with (the already read ones). He was sulky and sullen as usual and read in his room, which was unusual and got my suspicions up. DH checked his sentences (and wasn't out of the shower until SS6 was writing his practice sentences) and I just had a bad feeling and SS6 was looking sneaky and being extra babyish, clingy and possessive of DH. I looked at the sentences and recognized them from the two books I had strictly forbidden him to read! I had even asked him if he fully understood that he was NOT to read those books and he said yes, he understood. He was setting up video games to play and I asked him to go get the books he had read and show them to me. He froze in total horror and turned bright red and didn't move. DH looked confused and SS6 looked panicky. I had to repeat myself and he came out with one of the two I had forbidden! He was on the verge of tears (which only happens when HE is hurt or upset or to manipulate DH) and I made him go get the other book, which was (duh) the other book I had specifically told him not to read. DH was lost, because he wasn't there for the initial conversation (although SS12 was and backed me up when SS6 tried to lie about it and get DH to turn on me. As if!) and I was PISSED. I told SS6 to sit on the couch and not move and asked to talk to DH alone. I was so mad I was shaking (and I think it's from this kind of stuff happening all the time, not just this one incident). I had to explain the whole thing in detail and his first reaction was "maybe he didn't understand you?" (DH always gives SS6 the benefit of the doubt although he never deserves it and always winds up being proven guilty). We went out to talk to SS6 and DH asked him to explain himself, which he couldn't. Then DH asked him if he understood what I had asked him and he saw a way out and lied and said "no" to which I responded that that absolutely wasn't true because I had been very clear and specific AND asked him if he understood, to which he replied "yes." He's such a little liar! It makes me sick. Once he realized that DH was upset with him (which rarely happens because DH refuses to see it and SS6 is careful to be nasty and lie behind DH's back) he got really upset and started crying. DH made a move to give him a hug and I gave a little head shake and he remembered our previous discussion about that. SS6, when he gets in trouble, will start crying to manipulate DH (he doesn't do this when he gets in trouble when DH isn't there) and if he can manipulate a hug out of DH he can usually get a softer consequence or DH gives in and lets him get away with things "because he's so upset." :sick:
We agreed that during discipline situations, neither of us is to give in to the tears and while a consequence is being given, we are not going to reward his behavior with hugs and cuddles. He gets plenty of that from DH all day long and we came to the agreement that no contact is important during discipline situations. The tears stopped immediately when SS6 realized that they weren't going to work and DH wasn't going to side with him or let him off the hook. Luckily for me, DH's pet peeve is lying and sneakiness and most of the time he chooses to disbelieve that his little angel could do anything wrong, but when SS6 gets caught outright, DH gets very upset with him and fully backs me with the discipline. SS6 looked like an angry tomato and just sat there with the nastiest scowly facial expression and DH carefully questioned him about the situation. He wound up digging a deeper hole because he kept lying and then contradicting himself. Both DH and I were really upset with him and he lost video game privileges as well as getting an extra long time-out. After he did his time out he went into his room and sulked and cried for about an hour and unfortunately, DH, who I think should have ignored the obviously manipulative and fake behavior took pity on him and went in and comforted him. It just reaffirmed to SS6 that he can throw a crying fit, even when he's in trouble for something he knew was wrong and chose to do anyway, and still demand attention from Daddy.
I don't know why, but he continually tries to break the rules and if an adult isn't right there to make him follow the rules, he just does whatever he wants. SS12 is not at all like that and you can tell when he has done something wrong because it's very obvious that he feels ashamed and upset. SS6 only gets upset when he gets in trouble, and shows no signs of guilt, anxiety or stress when he has done something he knows is wrong/against the rules. It's extremely upsetting and creepy. I feel like I am living with a young Ted Bundy, if he had been verging on mentally retarded and remarkably ugly.
People are really starting to notice and the only one who can't seem to face it is DH. I find it very upsetting and frustrating and I want DH to see clearly and be on the same page with me with this, like he is with all the other areas of our life. I have repeatedly tried to talk to him about my concerns over SS6, but he just shuts down or gets really defensive. I understand how hard it must be for him and that he may be having a hard time dealing with the fact that both of his biological children have mental and behavioral problems that go far beyond the normal issues kids have. The problem is that his coddling and enabling behavior with SS6 isn't helping anyone, least of all SS6. SS6 needs to be held accountable for his behavior. His rule breaking, lying and sneakiness need to have serious consequences and he needs to realize that DH may have a blind spot for him, but it won't last forever and I have his number and don't let anything slip by me. He knows he can't get away with anything with me and I think that's why I am the only parent that he respects (although he still lies to me and disobeys, just not as much as with other people).
I really don't know what to do to resolve this and the thing that keeps me going is that I think it will get easier and easier as he gets older (he won't be able to pull the babyish crap he does now, when he's fifteen) and DH will see his behavior more clearly. He will probably always be a creep and once he's out of my house and legally on his own, he won't be my problem any more, but in the meantime, I have to figure out a way to handle this and communicate with DH about it.

I am definitely going to a counselor and if it goes well, I might drag DH with me so he can hear some truths from a professional and have someone there to ensure that he doesn't shut down or walk away when we talk about SS6 stuff that upsets them.

Anyway, does anyone else have this problem? Anyone have any suggestions for dealing with/communicating with the hubby when he has such a blind spot for a kid like that?
Any suggestions would be welcome!