Disengagement - Why does it bother me
Why does it bother me when my husband looks like he's having a good time with skids around the house? I've been disengaged going on 2 months and I figured if i was disengaged, i would'nt care, but it bothers me....It has been causing problems between he and I because i get upset and start to resent him then give him the silent treatment....I guess it reminds me how shitty our family dynamics are when i see THEM having a good time and can't help but blame him for it being this way.
I hate the person I have become since the skids have come to live with us.... its like I'm not the same person. I fantasize about being divorced so that I wouldn't have to deal with my skids anymore. I have also told my husband on mutliple occassions that I would rather be divorced than live like this...I just want my house back! But I also feel selfish going that route since we have two babies of our own (4 and 2)
IDK, i'm going to write my husband a letter since I have stopped talking to him about the way I feel about the skids. Maybe then i can get my feelings across.
But I was just curious if anyone else feels that way when they see spouse with skids.
So is it just that you hate
So is it just that you hate the skids and can't stand the sound of them having fun (hey, it happens, not judging, just curious)? Or is it more that you are bitter that you felt you had to disengage and now are left out, when you feel it could have gone another route?
Just trying to understand where your anger about it is coming from. I do feel some resentment sometimes towards my SO and skids when they are playing and having fun, and I honestly don't know where it comes from. I generally like the skids, but yet, there the annoyance is, and it doesn't make much sense. In my case I never really wanted kids, and things are better when they aren't with us generally, so maybe that has something to do with it?
I guess I must be bitter with
I guess I must be bitter with the skids and my husband that i even had to disengage and yes, i might feel left out in those instances. IDK, it sounds like you don't know either....How do you handle it when you feel the resentment?
I usually try to remove
I usually try to remove myself from the situation (subtly), and just go in the other room, or pretend I am engrossed in some nonsense on TV. I know SO notices sometimes, but mostly he ignores it because he doesn't understand what's up with me either. I didn't have this kind of "fun" relationship with my dad at all, and wasn't allowed to be clingy to him, so it's kind of foreign to me. I do despise when kids are clingy, and usually goofing around means them hanging on him....that's probably part of it too. I have fun with skids too, but SO and i have different ways of doing it, (he throws balls all over the house with them with potential to wreck stuff, wrestles with them, etc, which is not really my thing). I'm sure all of these things play a role in my annoyance. Honestly, skids in general tend to annoy me at some point during the day.
You are resentful because you
You are resentful because you see him playing happily with his kids as a reflection that you are the problem and without you (disengaged) things are going well for them. Disengaging out of spite never works. You cannot disengage in the hopes that your DH will all of a sudden realize all that you've done for him and his kids and be grateful or start treating you better. Disengagement is for stepparents who are trying to heal and protect themselves from being strung along by skids. Being disengaged in your situation would be you accepting he has a separate life with his kids that he doesn't share with you, because you have opted out, while you concern yourself with concerns from your life together sans skids (him, you, your bios together). You won't have to dream of your divorce if you send him that letter. No one will stay married to someone who sends them a monologue of hate for their children. And it won't fix anything.
Maybe you feel this way
Maybe you feel this way because disengagement is a last resort.
Disengagement was not what I would have chosen -- but it was the only way I could preserve my last shred of dignity when SD couldn't play nice no matter how much I tried. How much of that BS can any one person endure? I would prefer she grow up so we could all go have fun instead of me sitting at home alone while they have dates.
I also resented my husband for not making her step up and be decent to his wife. THAT was the right solution, not me disappearing like a ghost. It's like SD behaves badly, but she still gets the prize: the illusion of a dad without a wife. Do you think that's what's bothering you too?
I did eventually stop feeling so resentful of the situation. I kept reminding myself how awful she is to be around and how stressed it always made me. I tried to look at SD like any other person (a co-worker, a neighbor) who bugs me to death but my husband doesn't think is so bad to be around -- we just have a difference of opinion about this person (who happens to be his daughter) so I don't see her.
It's surely harder for you because the skids live with you. That would make disengagement so impossible, I think. But keep at it. It was not easy at the beginning for me, but it has gotten better now that my husband and I have settled into it being this way.
Spot on. Disengagement
Spot on. Disengagement should be a last resort. "I also resented my husband for not making her step up and be decent to his wife. THAT was the right solution, not me disappearing like a ghost. It's like SD behaves badly, but she still gets the prize: the illusion of a dad without a wife."
What you want to truly disengage from is all of that negativity and from feeling like a second-class citizen in your own home, own marriage or relationship. You are not disengaging from a person, per se. Also, I don't see disengaging is an either/ or thing, but as happening at certain levels, depending on your situation. Not everyone needs to flat out go to a level 10.
Here is a link to where someone did disengage, with having the kids most of the time: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
You
Became primary household after you started living with SO ? Basically you did not sign up for primary SP ? You sign up for EOWN ? Now you have them 24/7. I understand where you are coming from. You as a couple you have no time to yourself. This is the time where the relationship is forming, and it can not work with SK there 24/7. No it not fair, BM and BF had alone time before having SK, your did not get that. The rest is gaslighting, on SO part, He rather play with his kids then you. Sorry, if thing don’t change fast, it’s gime to move on !!!! You only live life once. !!!