Requesting opinions on a few things

Hi All,

I was just musing over a few things lately, and I wanted to get all of your opinions on here to see if I'm being stupid.

Just as a refresher - I'm a SM with 1 SD (14) and no bio kids of her own.

Ok - so quick thing. My husband and I got married about 2 years ago. I moved into his place (ditched all my furniture etc.) He kinda whined about how I wasn't paying for things except my own food and expenses, (I guess hot water and electricity) so I said to myself, "ok, let me contribute more. I'm living in HIS house. Even though we're married - it's HIS house. Basic upkeep costs things, and if it's to be OUR house, I should contribute." So I told him I'd give him $800 a month, to cover things. So I did. At this point our expenses were totally separate (I mean my phone and car insurance - that's all I had to pay regularly). About 7 months ago, he took over paying my phone, which was about 100 bucks a month and the car insurance (which was really cheap as I was driving a beater, so we're talking about 20 bucks a month). So I'm giving him 800, and that's it (car and phone) for my expenses.

Now I've always been super self-sufficient. No debts. NONE. And I paid for school myself. Solo. And I've paid it all off years ago. I've had to scrimp and save for the little I have as my parents gave me nothing, and I was always proud not to have debt or owe anything. So when he married me, he incurred no debt.

So here I am, giving him 800 a month, to cover I dunno...my use of water, electric, my phone and car (as mentioned above) and that's it. So the rest I told him he can use to apply his expenses.

I figured we're married right? This is a joint effort - right?

Well, now I have the better-paying, or I should say, about equally-paying job, but with benefits which he doesn't get. So I contribute to my 401k, I pay for our health insurance, I pay for our life insurance. And might I add, I also have a fairly large savings apart from the 401k.

Now to my point. I put all the savings, the 401k, all of it - I made my husband my benefactor. If I were to keel over tomorrow, he'd get it all. And to me, that makes sense, because he's my husband, we're a family, and I'd WANT him to have it.

But get this.

The other day we're having a chat about the house. I asked him "who would it go to if something happened to you?" Would I get any of it? (He never liked having this conversation before, it ruffled his feathers. To me that's senseless as it's something GROWN ADULTS have and figure out - but he didn't like it. Now I know why...). After much prodding, he told me the house is entirely in his name. I said "don't you think we should have it under both our names?" He tells me - he's AFRAID of that because WHAT IF I DIVORCE HIM and he's left with nothing?

Now that just pissed me off. Because essentially, I've made him the #1 recipient for all my sh*t, but he gives ME - nothing. And he said he doesn't want to share the house in my name because his EX got like half in their previous house and it was his Dad's money that bought it for them and HE should have gotten it all.

Now I don't give A SHIT about what happened with the ex. But this just pissed me off. Here I am, the ONLY ONE with savings - he has NONE apart from the house, and I'm giving it all to someone who essentially, will give me NOTHING in return?

Am I being an idiot? And why am I paying $800 a month to him? To pay off HIS debts? I mean he doesn't think enough of me to want to SHARE HIS HOUSE - so why should I give him anything!?!?

Am I being unreasonable? Should I even have a beef?

What do you all think? Please - I need to hear some third-party opinions.

Thanks.

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I think he just doesn't want

I think he just doesn't want to be burned again. I get that.

This isn't necessarily about money - maybe a talk about your relationship and his insecurities??

Thanks Sparklelady - you're

Thanks Sparklelady - you're right - we need to talk. He is VERY insecure about things...still...which kinda s*cks as he was divorced a long time ago...

Thanks Echo - I'm

Thanks Echo - I'm old-fashioned too that's why I wanted to put everything in his name and help pay for his expenses...but when I feel like he doesn't feel the same way, then I feel like I'm being used. It annoys me because I feel like I'm trusting him, but he doesn't trust me. All because of that b*tch of an ex.

I don't know what your states

I don't know what your states laws are.... but in most states, unless you signed a pre-nup that states that each party leaves with what they brought in, then you would get part of the house anyhow in a divorce.

You have cash assets. He has home equity. You are married, therefore your assets are joint. If you divorce and (say for example) you have $100,000 in cash assets and investments, but he has $300,000 equity in his home. He would have to buy out your interest.

I would think that having both your names on the house would give him some security- as in you both have something to lose.

Perhaps sitting down with a financial planner might help him. It sounds like he felt burned by the ex and is cagey because of it. But expecting you to pay into a house that he wants you to have no interest in won't work, either. He can't expect to have his cake and eat it too. Or, have his house and have you pay for it, too.

Thanks furkisforme - I never

Thanks furkisforme - I never knew about the "buying out my interest" thing before - to be honest I don't quite understand how that works but I'll read-up on it. We never signed a pre-nup.

If he was burned before I can

If he was burned before I can understand his reluctance if the house is fully paid for.

However, if there is a mortgage and he is using part of your money to pay that mortgage, that is another matter. If you are building your life together that you should be involved in acquiring joint assets.

Maybe he should sell this house and both of you should buy another.

H probably should see a lawyer and after doing a will (which he needs if he doesn't have one as he has a minor child) talk to the lawyer about a post nuptuial that protects both you and him.

You should also see a lawyer about a post nuptuial. Not the someone as him. One lawyer for him to look out for your interests. One lawyer for you to look out for your interests.

Since you didn't do a prenup, do a postnup.

Thanks notarelative - never

Thanks notarelative - never knew about the post nuptial before. I appreciate the tip!

Thanks HRNYC - I don't want

Thanks HRNYC - I don't want to paint him out to be an ogre. He's a great guy. And he never asked for the $800 or rent - but he did kinda b*tch about me not paying anything after we got married and I moved in. So I thought - ok - $800 seems fair. But in combination with my paying for his health, dental, vision, and life insurance (which ain't cheap as we have the best plans you can get) plus my putting everything in his name and his not wanting to share HIS assets - well that I guess is what ticked me off.

But I guess I was just being the foolish one. Maybe I'll change my benefactors and only give him $400 for "rent."

Thanks all for the replies -

Thanks all for the replies - I've calmed down a little bit more now.

Yes he was burned from the divorce, and I agree - he's still cagey. We need to talk it out. I don't think I'll keep giving him $800 a month though - I mean, I'll give him what I owe for my expenses since he's paying my phone and car insurance, but I don't owe him for anything else - maybe half of cable...I forgot about that.

But why should I pay towards a house that's not in my name? I see no sense in that.

We would like to get another place - which I would love. Also because I'd have more say in the decor. }:)

Thanks all for your always thoughtful and sensible advice!

You're forgetting rent. Why

You're forgetting rent. Why do you get to live rent free or mortgage free?

$800 seems fair for all-in pricing for living. I suspect you're stingy and he's cagey because of his past. Why not make a budget together, list all the expenses and divide by half?

Well I figure that we're

Well I figure that we're married - so why should I have to pay rent? I have no trouble contributing to water/electric - but it's not near $800 a month.

I usually buy most of the groceries.

I don't have any expenses besides the phone bill and my car insurance. I pay for my health insurance AND his health insurance.

I pay for both our life insurances.

I have the savings - he has nothing saved - just the house.

We rent the top two floors of the house and that more than covers the mortgage.

Maybe I am stingy...but at least I'm paying for his top-shelf health insurance and life insurance - I guess I'm wondering where's my side of the bargain?

And I also pay for his vision

And I also pay for his vision and dental insurance I might add.

Thanks MizFoxie - I am gonna

Thanks MizFoxie - I am gonna cut in half. I think that' good advice. In his defense, he never asked for the $800 and he's told me when I was mad about his not wanting to put the house in my name to keep it - so I guess I will...I'll give him $400.

We live in Mass so I think it

We live in Mass so I think it might be a community property state - not sure. We should talk to some lawyers.

Thanks HRNYC - I just looked

Thanks HRNYC - I just looked up the rules for Mass online and it said this:

"While only property that a couple acquires during marriage is “marital property,” Massachusetts law allows a judge to divide all of a couple’s property in any manner that seems fair, regardless of when it was acquired or which spouse actually owns it--in other words, the judge can divide both marital and separate property. However, a court will usually, but not always, award separate property to the original owner in a divorce--separate property is property one spouse owns before marriage, or acquires by gift or inheritance during the marriage."

So looks like I'd be screwed in a divorce setting. Fine. But what pisses me off - is that I just tried to change my beneficiaries from him to my siblings for my 401k - and it says I need his "permission" and he needs to sign a form as usually it goes to the married partner.

What bullsh*t is that!?!?

401k is covered by federal

401k is covered by federal law. The beneficiary is your spouse unless the spouse signs off.

I inherited a 401k when my first husband died. When I inherited it I put my children as beneficiary. When I remarried I had to have my second husband sign off as if he did not, by law, it would go to him and not my children if I died. He signed off, no problem.

401k and 403b follow this federal rule.
IRA is under state law for beneficiaries. In my state you can change the beneficiary without the spouse signature. Not sure about MA rules. If you have an IRA the place that holds it can advise you.

Yeah that would be my biggest

Yeah that would be my biggest nightmare - the idea of BM getting her greedy hands on ANY of my hard-earned cash. When I think of how I sacrificed to get what little I have, and how she slept her way to $$$...the idea of her getting more makes me :sick:

If I were you, I would split

If I were you, I would split utilities and mortgage 50/50 or 1/3. I would pay my own. car payment, car insurance. and phone. You two could come up with some sort of dollar amount you both match in a joint account. If he dies before you, I hope notbut you can use your own savings to buy a condo,LOL

Sit down and review the

Sit down and review the household bills. Heat, cooling, water, cable, average grocery spent, any other expense such as entertainment that you both use and participate with. Don't count his/your vehicle payments, personal credit cards that get used for personal clothing, lunch with the girls, the whatnot (individual expenses having nothing to really do with the other person).

If the home is his and only his (even if that means legally you sign a release/waiver on it)don't count mortgage, property taxes, home repairs such as new roof. Add up what it spend extra yourself for including him on your insurance coverage (example yours alone was $500 but putting him on it brought the premiums to $750). Will that $250 deduct from say your 1/2 of water and heating, garbage pick-up, blah blah. If not, what is left difference wise that you would pay to him or place in a joint account for such joint expenses?

Keep in consideration that while you're currently paying his health, dental, vision premiums, that both of you would be responsible for cost of services if there were no insurance (not meaning co=pays and deductibles you can agree to pay those individually, I'm referring to legally as a married couple if he had no insurance but had a $50,000 surgery bill from the hospital that he can't afford, the hospital wouldn't say 'oh that's ok we won't come after your wife for it either').

It's not so much about 'rent' and/or about $400 vs $800 a month. If you're going to change how you two do things financially you both need to sit down with the amount facts/figures and an agreed upon spilt of joint expenses. Something he might also be considering would be taking out a life insurance on himself with you as beneficiary.

Thank you! Thank you thank

Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you! All of you! And especially Sueu2 and Sally! Reading your replies really hit-home what's pissed me off about this whole thing. The idea that I committed to a marriage, and felt that meant sharing things (including finances) and contributing to his - but here he goes and blows me off - NOT thinking about me. Not CARING about my future. Not giving one sh*t about it. Just blowing it off. I think I hold DEEP resentment about this, and it's been driving me batty. Once I learned this (among other things) I really got pissed.

Tomorrow I will change the beneficiary for my savings, 401k etc. (has to be tomorrow while I'm at work).

Words I love and will remember:

"And this situation has revealed that you are married to him, but he's not married to you. A married man looks out for his wife. That is what you should expect and require of your husband. But this shows he isn't even ready for marriage, and you see where that leaves you - out in the cold paying him rent."

"eep your expenses to yourself, like phone, insurance etc. DH wants to play hard ball and blame you for the fuck ups in his first marriage, Lady you have bigger balls..... its so big you've got them on your chest, so start looking after yourself and stop supporting this idiot. Take him out as beneficiary."

A million thanks once again all! I truly appreciate your wise words.

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Requesting opinions on a few things

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