You are here

Ugh... Back again

Delphi's picture

Submitted by Delphi on Wed, 07/27/2016 - 10:06pm

So it's been easier lately - SD is soon to be 15 and wanting to spend time with friends - we'd often only have her 2 nights on weekends instead of 3 - sometimes even 1! (We have her every weekend). I'm just pissed because I had my heart set on getting a dog last summer and she threw a conniption fit over it - crying and having a breakdown at the news. So when we finally got the puppy she had been crying all day and annoyed with it - avoiding the poor thing and I'm sure it picked up on her vibe. Well the puppy ended up being super high strung and with the stress of the situation and all we ended on returning him to the breeder - no problem. But here is where my anger lies. When we talked about getting the puppy, SD always came back with how she wanted a cat. Now she knows we can't get a cat as DH is allergic to cats. Anyway, in her weirdness she actually came to the house one weekend with this stuffed animal cat and kept talking to it and petting it and telling is how cool it was. Ok - strange behavior for a 14 year old. Anyway a few weeks later I heard her telling DH how BM was going to get her a cat - SD said to DH - " I realized that if you want something in life you should find a way to have it. I want a cat, so I'm going to find a way to get one." She said this very matter of factly and proudly. DH of course placated her and agreed. Fast forward a month or so and her wish became a reality as she got her cat. And us? We still don't have a dog. Or a baby. When I first broached the topic of wanting a baby DH told me he wasn't sure... Then one night after tucking SD into bed (a particularly long session) he came to me and said SD was crying and was afraid we'd have a baby. DH always said to me " you sure you want a baby? You'll never sleep again! Your life won't be your own!!! ". Etc etc... Not exactly encouraging words. Well with all that enthusiasm (kidding) from DH I didn't exactly push the matter...and now I'm just resentful - of both of them. They got what they wanted and I've been fucked. So that's where I stand today and how I feel - totally disheartened and alone. Any thoughts?

Comments

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Wed, 07/27/2016 - 11:10pm

Why doesn't she want you to get a puppy? That seems really odd to me.

If you decide to get another dog may I suggest a contacting a rescue? Most rescues keep their dogs in "foster homes" so they have a good idea of the dog's temperament and could match you with one that will fit into your home. An older dog that is already trained might be a better idea at this point.

I went back and read your first post from 2/14. To be honest, it doesn't sound like things are much better now then they were then. You gave up a lot to be with your DH.
Look up the term "mini-wife" and see if it fits your situation. It sounds like in many ways SD is elevated to your level if not above.

Have you tried therapy? It would be helpful to get some clarification on what you really want and why you are staying with someone who is probably never going to give it to you.

Delphi's picture

Submitted by Delphi on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 4:37pm

Thanks notsurehowtodeal - yes we're looking at shelter dogs this time around - more keenly I should say. We did prior as well but it's hard to get one where I live (believe it or not) - you need to fulfill all sorts of criteria and in most instances you can't meet the dog first, which we wanted to do. Alas, things may seem not much improved from my first post...but there are glimmers. Like I mentioned SD is becoming (finally) more independent and we don't have her *as* often - so that's good. It's tough - I love my DH so much so I know I put up with a lot...but being able to come here to vent helps so much - so I really appreciate everyone's replies and feedback. Smile

Oh - and I do have a therapist and I've been seeing him off and on again the last few years...it does help!

Delphi's picture

Submitted by Delphi on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 4:41pm

Sorry my post was a bit convoluted and the timelines are off. This occurrence with her mentioning she didn't want a sibling happened a few years ago...she was prob. 11 - so that's why DH was tucking her in. Yes - I have enough resentment that I'm still bringing it up 3 years later! But also in her defense...or in DH's - she didn't demand we don't have a sibling...but she mentioned she didn't want one to DH and she cried to him about it - he told me about it and it made me furious because it felt manipulative to me...that's how she operates...she doesn't really come out in the open and *demand* things...she just finds ways to influence others through manipulation (turning on the water works at the right time, using the baby voice at the right time, etc...) - it just pissed me off to no end.

If I had absolutely wanted a child at the time I could have pushed for it harder, and DH would have agreed...I just resented her behavior.

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 5:50am

" From what I understand, kids can seriously cut into drinking time." <--- not can, they do unless you like hanging with a screaming sick child or a moody toddler.

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 6:16am

Sally, Fruit that would be BAD parenting. So no alcohol to babies and or toddler, nor tweens for that matter.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 9:40am

Fruity, I agree with everything you said. I'ma give you a smooch!!

Delphi's picture

Submitted by Delphi on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 4:42pm

Thanks Sally! Your post cheered me up! And YES I am actively looking for a puppy right now! I hope to have one by Fall - so thanks everyone for the encouragement! Smile

Delphi's picture

Submitted by Delphi on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 4:46pm

Thanks Lady - no I actually went r*psh*t over it already...but in DH's defense he hasn't backed her over me...he has coddled, and he's a MAJOR DISNEY Dad...but he supports me in my desire to have a baby AND a dog (despite SD's tantrums) - but her behavior pisses me off because you know - she gets *whatever* she wants and expects everyone to bend to her will - THAT pisses me off. :sick:

Delphi's picture

Submitted by Delphi on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 4:43pm

Sorry Fruit - as I mentioned above I wasn't clear with my post - the baby thing happened when she was like 10 or 11...the puppy thing was last year when she was 14. I guess I just hold these resentments inside and they build up - I hope one day to not give a sh*t and just let it go...I just hate how manipulative she is.

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 9:58am

Your DH is an assh0le for even considering what his kid wants when it comes to YOU and your home. If you want a dog, get a dog. If you want a baby, have a baby. WTF. In four years (probably less) she won't be coming for visitation anymore anyway.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 10:06am

I will just say that in the 20 years that I have been with my DH, his daughter has not made ONE decision regarding our lives or home. Not one.

I just can't even imagine putting up with that.

Delphi's picture

Submitted by Delphi on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 4:48pm

Thanks everyone for your very wise and entertaining input as always Wink No seriously - I really appreciate it - without this forum I think I'd lose my head sometimes - so I really appreciate everyone's posts and insight.

IslandGal's picture

Submitted by IslandGal on Thu, 07/28/2016 - 10:41pm

She sounds ghastly. He sounds like a weak wuss of a man. You need to put your bitch pants on, woman!! Stand up to both of them and let them know that if YOU want a pet, then you damn well will have one. They can stick their opinions straight up their entitled asses.

You got this - you know you can do this - so...whatcha waitin' for? Time to whip some ass and show them who you are! Stop letting them manipulate you!

I had a mini-wife and boy! she was something. She even wrote my SO a letter (aged 11) telling him she was willing to 'compromise' with him regarding which days he could visit me. Counseling helped - and if he didn't wake up to himself and continued to treat her like his equal, then he'd be single and living a miserable existence today. SD doesn't visit us - hasn't in 3 years. We have stopped giving a shit and it's damned refreshing, let me tell you!