Was I an Awful BM and Not Know It?
Several of this week's threads have sparked some self-reflection on my part and I want to challenge all you great SMs to ponder a thought with me. This is for SMs who are also BMs, and your bios also have a SM.
Have you ever considered what it is YOU might be doing, as a BM, that is making your SMs life miserable? Or harder. Or stressful. Or annoying. Or just plain more difficult?
My background is I have two baby-daddies/exHs. One I divorced more than 20 years ago and with whom I produced my DD25 and DS23. My second exH/babby daddy is father to my DD11. We divorced 4 years ago.
My first exH (exH1) remarried shortly after our divorce so my DD25 and DS23 had a SM since they were about DD8 and DS6. SM and exH1 are still married and have a son14. There was never any PAS issues, or other high-conflict issues, and we've always been friendly.
My exH2 hasn't remarried but I get along well with his current GF and GFs two sons.
I have always liked, and seemingly, gotten along with my bios SM. I also get along with exH1. SM, IMHO, has overstepped boundaries a little sometimes in the past 17 years (calling my bios "hers" in casual conversations and social media or trying to make Mother's Day plans with my bios), but I always felt she really liked/loved my kids and tried to be the-best-SM-ever (even though she didn't have to try so hard because my kids really like/love her too). I never intentionally was mean to her, or tried to make things hard on her or exH1, but I wonder now if I did?? Unintentionally?
I wonder if I was an evil BM in SMs eyes when these things happened over the past 17 years:
* Refused to allow SM to perm my DD12s hair despite repeated requests by the SM to do so. DD didn't really care either way. I never gave in and DDs hair was never permed. To this day, DD has lovely thick hair, undamaged and healthy, and is glad she never had her hair permed (SM has overly-permed hair, dry and damaged)
* I used to give DD16 gas money to drive to exH1s house (35 miles/one way) for her and DS14s regularly scheduled CO parenting time. I never minded if DD16/DS14 wanted to go to exH1s house for extra time outside of the CO, but exH1 wanted me to pay for the extra gas money for DD16 to drive there. I didn't want to fork over the extra gas money to make it happen and suggested exH1 could help DD16 with gas money for extra visits (he wouldn't). DD16 didn't want to spend her own money to drive herself and her brother over there, so the extra visits were infrequent
* When DD25 "aged out" at 18, both exH1 and I were surprised when my CS did not decrease (CS was very small, and I never once asked for increase because he always faithfully paid it). Apparently neither of us read our divorce decree too closely as it stated child support would remain in "full effect" until the youngest child aged-out at 18. I voluntarily offered to pay the exH1 back 30% of the CS every month until DS reached 18 as a sign of cooperation (two full years of CS). SM and exH1 thought it should be a 50% reduction, but I didn't agree. We could have gone to the court over this, but exH1 researched it and found out that since I'd never had an increase in 15 years, he'd likely end up paying *more* especially since our divorce decree did not stipulate any reduction would occur at our oldest child's 18th birthday. I faithfully returned 30% to him every month until DS turned 18 (and CS stopped)
These are just some of things I'm thinking back on. I wonder if exH1 and SM hated me at times? Complained to their friends/family how unreasonable I was? They never were rude to me and although we had discussions about all the above issues, no one ever raised their voice or said spiteful things. Most issues were handled between me and the exH but once in a while SM would be present, but not say anything. She was very respectful that way. I never once involved my 2ndDH in any conversations between exH1 and me.
Thoughts?
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Comments
Haha you're right! The only
Haha you're right!
The only reason I even care at all is because I don't want to be a hypocrite with how I deal with my skids now, or the opinions I spew all over this forum.
Just having a reality-check with myself, and you guys.
Insight and self reflection
Insight and self reflection are important! I think this is a great tool for learning from mistakes or having some understanding when dealing with the skids and BM.
I don't think any of these were out of line or made you a bad BM.
I'm sure your ex and his wife had words regarding the CS stuff, the fact is, even if it's fair we all would probably still hate it. It's just a monthly reminder of the family that came first.
I think you were kind to
I think you were kind to return 30% of CS when your DD aged out. I am sure that ExH1's income increased in the time you after your divorce, you could have asked for an evaluation when DD turned 18. Do not care what choice words ExH1 and SM exchanged, you took the high road.
Sounds to me like you were a
Sounds to me like you were a wonderful BM.
I wasn't that great to my kids SM at first. Granted my ex did try to have his cake and eat it too with wanting her to move in with her kid while we were still married and living together and they WERE having an affair. But to be honest, our marriage was over anyway.
Since then, I've come to the realization that she loves my kids, and they love her and she only wants the best for them. She rarely ever overstepped her boundaries (maybe a little in the beginning, but it was understandable). And I have a lot of respect for her since she treats my bios so well and shows respect for me as their mother. I NEVER ask anything of her, and any time she has wanted to see them when my ex wasn't there (he's military) I've always let her and the kids decide. And now I know that given what an awesome person she is, it's best for my bios for she and I to get along. We aren't the best of friends, and it's probably easier on both of us that they live several states away, but I know my bios would love for her to live closer to us and if that ever happened, I would do my best to make sure things stay the way they are (as in we show each other respect for our roles in their lives).
My DH's ex on the other hand...she will dump those kids on anyone she thinks will take them no matter what they have to drop to do so. All she cares about is that CS. And my DH is so whipped by her and skids that he just sits there and takes it.
My ex isn't remarried yet.
My ex isn't remarried yet. And to be honest, I dread the day that he starts bringing someone around our kids. My ex is very threatened by DF. He wants DF to be part of the kids lives but play the role of friend. He asks me not to leave the kids with DF for long periods of time. And, he got very upset when our son started referring to DF as his stepdad. I really try not to get mad b/c I know that I will be on the defensive when he finds someone else. I think it is very hard for any mom when a new SM enters the picture. To be honest, I will let the SM's actions dictate mine. If she steps on my toes, I can't promise that I won't be hard to deal with. If she tries to respect the boundaries with me, we will have a smooth relationship.
Honestly, I try very had not to step on BM's toes when it comes to the SDs. I don't like BM at all and I hate the way she parents the kids. When I first came into the picture, I told her straight up that I would respect that she is their mom. And, I try very hard to do that because if my kids had a SM that didn't respect boundaries, I understand how upset I would get. I think it is a balancing act. We are all human. And, we all are going to have those times when we don't handle the situation as well as we should. Honestly, it sounds to me like you were a very easy going BM. I hope I can say that I am half as gracious as you were when my kids get a SM.
Speaking from experience
Speaking from experience here, get a CO that fits your situation. My exH sounds like yours and wanted nothing to do with the responsible duties of being a father but wanted as much time with the kids as possible. Instead of alcohol, my ex was using meth and if it wasn't for that I would have been very supportive of making as much visitation time as possible. When people refer to meth as the devil drug, they're not kidding!!!
My ex could be so friggin' high and there was nothing I could do about preventing ex from taking our kids for visitation. Sure I would call the cops whenever it was very evident he was high but even then you never knew what kind of frame of mind the cop would have that came that day. I can't tell you the number of times I got a cop who was projecting his own failed marriage into our situation and would lecture me saying things like, "Sure, he's good enough to take CS money from but you won't let him see his kids?" Or "They're not just YOUR kids!"
I had the same fears for my kids, the places and people my kids were exposed to and their overall safety. My ex actually kidnapped my oldest daughter and youngest son, each individually at two separate times.
I had to go to court to keep my kids safe and eventually got full physical custody with my ex getting supervised visitation only.
Under normal circumstances, what you and I did would be considered being a bad BM for not helping facilitate a relationship between kids and their dad but we did what we had to do under circumstances that were not normal. Even if my ex wasn't high at the time of picking the kids up, there was always the possibility that he would use after picking them up which was shown to be often with his track record! Now don't even get me started on my ex's parenting skills while he was coming down from his highs...extreme anger, couldn't stay awake, etc.
I can say without a doubt
I can say without a doubt that i have done nothing to the S.M in my girls lives....nothing....i simply exist....i existed before her...had what she has now...before her.......i think that's what her problem is..but that's her problem. not mine...
If you all get along, I'd say
If you all get along, I'd say the really minor things you mentioned were nothing.
But, yeah, if I didn't like BM already that little stuff would piss me off.