O/T Sisters. Never had any, need advice
A little background:
I don't have any sisters. I grew up in a home where no one "borrowed my shoes" or "took my clothes" or "stole my make-up" or "poached my boyfriends." I missed out on the things I think some sisters go through.
I have two biogirls, but they are 13 years apart and only lived together for five years (DD25 moved out at 18 and DD11 was 5yo at the time). They have zero sibling rivalry - probably has a lot to do with the age difference and not living together. There was no clothes-stealing or boyfriend-stealing from them. DD11 admires DD25 and DD25 adores DD11. They simply love each other through and through.
I have two SDs - 12 and 8. They've lived in my home for about one year (no BM, skids here 24/7). So now my DD11 has two "full time" sister-like people in our house. It's new for her, and it's new for me. The girls all call each other "sister" and seem to have fallen into a routine consistent with acting like real sisters.
I am hyper-vigilant towards my SD12s mean-girl behavior. Because she lacks empathy and she is mean. I watch for it, and correct it when I witness it. SD12 is mean to both SD8 and DD11. Being hyper-vigilant also means I'm sometimes too focused on SD12s behavior ... and I want to be aware if I'm being unfair to SD12 too because that isn't ok either.
My question: What is "normal" sister behavior (I should ignore) and what is behavior I should step in and intervene? I have no relevant experience from which to draw. When trying to excuse his daughters' bad behaviors my DH will commonly say, "Oh my sisters used to do that growing up! It's normal!" But knowing the DH like I do, he claims today he notices absolutely NOTHING about girl-behavior, I think he just says this to sound like an authority. If he doesn't notice his own daughters' behaviors now, what makes me think he actually noticed his sisters' behaviors 30 years ago?
Examples:
SD12 and DD11 play volleyball. DD11 is organized and keeps track of her vball gear. SD12 doesn't. SD12 simply takes DD11s things (knee pads, shorts, water bottle) when she loses her own and then claims DD11 is trying to take "her" stuff (I've marked everything with DD11s initials because I know SD12 does this). Should I ignore this and let them work this out? Is this typical sister behavior? Or should I intervene?
Sunday was Mother's Day and DD11 made me a small gift at school. SD12 is in middle school and they don't make MD gifts anymore. SD12 and I have a civil, but not close, relationship. SD12 seems pretty jealous of my closeness with DD11 and tries to interfere with that by demanding attention from me, or hurting DD11s feelings ("You made THAT for mother's day? I thought only kindergartners made those?" - I learned about that comment later in the day but wasn't aware of it Mothers Day morning) So SD12 makes a home-made MD gift for me. SD12 insists I open her gift first. SD12 is beaming with victorious pride. Everything is sort of loud and chaotic at this moment, and I open SD12s first with no real thought about it. It's a "20 Things I Love about Tabby" book. It is a disingenuous and phony list, full of cheesy hyperbole about 20 wonderful generic mother-traits. I don't buy one word of it for one hot second, but thank her sincerely for the hard work she put into it. SD12 beams at DH, waiting for his glowing accolades but he is silent, looking at my DD11. Then I see DD11 is sitting slumped-over with her "little kindergartner" gift, not wanting to hand it to me. Normal sister behavior to try to one-up each other?
SD12 took DD11s bike this weekend without asking to use it first. DD11 went to get her bike later in the day, but it was gone (later we learned it was parked at SD12s friend's house). SD12s bike isn't as much fun to ride (worse condition and less pretty due to lack of care). Ignore this, let them work it out? Or intervene?
For those who follow my posts - first of all sorry for rambling, and second thank you for listening - you know my SD12 is pretty much a mean-girl sociopath-in-the-making. And I don't believe in protecting my children from every single bad or unpleasant thing that's said or done to them (I prefer to let them defend themselves and grow confidence in their own ability to cope and adapt and stand up for themselves whenever possible).
But this whole sister-thing has me a little confused. My biggest concern is I can't figure out why I'm struggling to address this.
How does a typical sister relationship look? Sound? Is it more nice than mean or can it still be normal if it's more mean than nice? Does it get better? Can it get worse if parents don't help? Is parental interference a bad thing sometimes? Should I stop focusing on how much the three girls act like sisters, and just remind myself they are STEP-siblings and focus instead on parenting SD12 and SD8 as "steps" and not "sisters" to my DD11?
- tabby yabba do's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Hmmm my sister and I used to
Hmmm my sister and I used to do some crappy stuff to each other. We are 3 1/2 years apart. She was more "meaner" then me in that she was older and I was usually snitching on her for stuff. There was a period when she was an early teen and I was still too young and she had kind of moved on with new friends and BFs and it was tough for me. I think it was during that time when it was the roughest for us.
Also my mom worked a lot and left us alone together, so we tended to get on each other nerves and cause a lot of problems.
I cant remember my sister doing anything to hurt me in the sense of stealing my stuff (we usually shared clothes) and she would never steal my BF. However funny those are some of the things "my" SDs do to each other. They can be pretty rotten to each other (no wonder they treat me like crap).
I think we worked out a lot of stuff between us because we didnt have our parents around much.
In your examples, your SD is showing irresponsible behavior. That needs to be addressed. She needs to understand in general that she can't take others things without asking.
I wouldnt leave all these things up to the other SD and your DD to handle because its not their job to make sure that SD12 is doing the right thing. Even if it's just little things here and there.
SD12 does sound jealous. I would have a talk with your DD and ask how she feels. After all she now has to share her mom with 2 other girls close to her age and one that is obviously competing for attention.
I think most of the things
I think most of the things you describe are pretty normal. The Mother's DAy thing was a little vicious, but not unheard of with sisters. I think you should intervene slightly so that they learn to treat each other and others with respect, but you don't have to worry about whether it is a stepsibling thing.
ETA: It could get a lot better. My sisters and I are good friends in our 20s, but still have things we dislike about each other. If you intervene too much, that could cause issues and more resentment.
I think so much of this is
I think so much of this is environmental that there is no real "normal"
My sisters and I were always close and I never fought with either of them. We also had a lunatic for a mom and I did most of the mothering of them from the time they were babies so we probably had an unusual bond for sisters.
I think that most of this behavior displayed by your girls is not normal because it is always SD picking on DD. If it were a two way street I would think that it were normal, if there were moments of "love" between them I would say it was normal.
My SDs are close in age and sometimes literally beat the crap out of each other, steel each other's clothes, mess up something the other is working on etc. With that said, they also post all over each other's instagrams how much they love each other, cuddle up when watching a movie, sleep together when there is a thunderstorm etc. So I think overall their relationship is "normal" DH or I do step in when the behavior gets to be "mean" beyond instigating/playing but we do let them work a lot of these things out.
It's difficult when it is a step and bio though because that "favoritism" card is usually thrown around.
I think if SD12 was a little
I think if SD12 was a little neighbour girl, DD11 wouldn't want to play with her anymore. But since they're 'sisters', she has to keep engaging. I'd be alert. I would be taking steps so that DD doesn't feel bullied at home.
Thing is, they aren't sisters... so if something happens between you and DH, or somehow DH doesn't have full custody one day, they wouldn't still know each other. That has a big influence on sister relationships - the no-escape clause.