BS school and exH not paying!
My BS(20) is in his 3rd year of Uni. My exH hasn't paid for any school only CS. CS has been used for flights back and forth, (he's across the country in school) and an allowance for some extras. I haven't kept any of it and it doesn't cover tuition.
This year I was laid off and told exH I couldn't afford school and rent and food, ect. He'd have to step up and pay 1/2 of school, give CS to BS for rent and I'd give him $ for food. I'd try to cover flights with air miles but he might have to come up with 1/2 for that too.
BS worked this summer and used that money to pay rent, it's 12 months even though he's only here for 8. He's also paying for field school, an extra class he needs to graduate. He can't work while at Uni partly because of his course load and partly because it's a small town and there aren't many jobs to be had. I know if he really had to he could find something but I'd rather he do well in school. He doesn't qualify for a loan because we made too much last year. Next year he might qualify if I don't go back to work.
Our divorce agreement says 1/2 of tuition and CS, I was going to take him to court to pay me back the tuition for the 1st year but we had a tragic event and I let it slide. The same for last year, I just wasn't able to deal with it.
Now here we are, rent is due on the first, tuition is due on the 7th and exH is going to talk to his lawyer to see what he's responsible for!
I know lots of SMs on here get upset when a BM says the kids need money. I also know lots of SMs think that a 20 year old should be taking care of himself. BS went straight from HS to Uni, he's worked every summer, except for last year, and has always earned his own pocket money.
ExH is failing his kid, he's always known this kid was going to Uni, he's had 15 years to prepare for this! He makes 80k a year, has no other kids, there is no reason I should have to be talking to him about this, never mind going to court over it.
I'm so pissed at him right now! And no, BS can't talk to his Dad about it, for reasons I can't go into right now, he needs to have a relationship with his Dad that has no conflict.
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Aren't there student loans
Aren't there student loans that aren't income based?
None that we've found in
None that we've found in Canada.
Since you have been laid off,
Since you have been laid off, and income has gone down, can you ask for a reconsideration of financial aid?
I'm going to look into it,
I'm going to look into it, but they look at your tax returns and I just got laid off in June. Its government so the left hand doesn't always know what the right hand is doing.
He thinks that because BS
He thinks that because BS goes to school in another province and doesn't live at home he doesn't have to pay CS anymore. He also doesn't believe me that he's responsible for 1/2 Uni costs. Hence the talk with the lawyer, I know I'm right and he's just dragging it out.
In the mean time I will have to come up with rent & tuition, then force him to pay me back.
Our combined income was
Our combined income was approx $160k, BS can't get a govt student loan with our income. It's based on last years income tax forms.
Yes, he might get a bank loan, with me as a co signer. The stupid part is that because I'm not working I probably won't qualify as a co signer. Plus, it would be at a much higher interest rate and exH still wouldn't be fulfilling his end.
I appreciate that lots of people think that kids should be responsible for their own education costs but I think that if I can afford it I don't want my kids to come out of school 80k in debt. When exH and I first had kids we both agreed that they'd get Uni educations. I put $$ into an RESP for years, that helped pay for the first 2 years. ExH put nothing away and now doesn't want to pay anything.
BS is in a house with 3 room mates, this is a small Uni town and the home owners get every penny they can out of these kids.
Maybe it's different in
Maybe it's different in Canada, but my private student loans actually have lower interest rates than my government consolidation loan. I'm not saying your exH should get out of an agreement he made but maybe a bank loan isn't as bad as you're thinking if your BS needs it to get by this semester.
"Our divorce agreement says
"Our divorce agreement says 1/2 of tuition and CS".... but does it specify with these details.... "He'd have to step up and pay 1/2 of school, give CS to BS for rent and I'd give him $ for food. I'd try to cover flights with air miles but he might have to come up with 1/2 for that too" ?
Even when an agreement states 1/2 of tuition, it doesn't necessarily mean 1/2 to any university of choice AND all the extra fluff that that particular university entails. You've told Dad. He's checking with his lawyer as to the accuracy of your demands. You rather tossed these demands on him unexpectedly. After all, you did pay the first two years without giving Dad's obligation to 1/2 tuition a second thought. You were just too non-concerned over it for whatever reasons. I don't blame the father for not immediately springing open his wallet without first making inquiries.
"I appreciate that lots of people think that kids should be responsible for their own education costs but I think that if I can afford it I don't want my kids to come out of school 80k in debt."
That's very nice of you and all that, but truth is right now you can't afford it. You just lost your job. Dad could lose his next week. Then what? Your son needs to look for other means of fulfilling his goals of his higher education. That's just reality. Maybe Dad will come thru with some partial expenses, there's no guarantee of it. In the meantime you and your son must look for alternative resources or looking into plan B as plan A just found herself unemployed.
I didn't toss these demands
I didn't toss these demands on him unexpectedly.
I paid for first year and was in the process of getting him to pay me back when we had a tragic event. It caused me to stop everything. He's known that he's responsible for these costs for over 3 years.
I am a bm and a sm. I just
I am a bm and a sm. I just went through this in the U.S. Yes he is responsible for whatever is in the court order. Yes he will talk to an attorney. In my case the attorney tried to cut a deal. A bullshit deal. I file for contempt we were in front of a judge within three weeks. And guess what?? lol and behold he had to pay his portion as he AFREED TO in the court order. Get on it. Yes be prudent and look for plan B in case the father finds a loophole for next year.
Looks like he will have to
Looks like he will have to stop school and work for a year or two so that he can qualify as an 'independent' student. Then they won't look at your income, only his.
It's unfortunate, but things often don't go according to plan. Teach your kid to roll with the punches and accomplish his goals another way rather than that someone owes him something. Even if someone does owe him, doesn't matter - that's no attitude for going through life.
The thing is my DH, BS
The thing is my DH, BS stepdad will pay for school and all the extras. He's more than willing to take care of the costs and can afford it. Because of him I don't have to go back to work if I don't want to.
However, I don't want him to. BS's education isn't his responsibility.
The Uni that BS goes to is a good choice for his degree and will afford him the opportunity to have a career in his field. Switching schools at this point isn't a good decision. We did talk about it and BS was willing to look into school at home, but in the end it would cost more. Not all the courses transfer and he might have to do an extra year if he switched.
I'm sorry, step parent or not
I'm sorry, step parent or not your exH is responsible for tuition. All of us would like our steps to launch and stop being a financial burden by 21. HOWEVER were we still in our original family state, we would be paying for these children to go to university/ technikon/ college etc. I don't think a divorce makes any difference to this, nor should it.
When I as a biological parent will not pay is when my children make no effort and don't keep their grades up. I don't feel parents should pay for their children to repeatedly fail/ fail to launch as it were.
Not all parents cannot
Not all parents cannot afford to pay for tuition, even in an original family.
My dh and I have bios together, but we most likely will not be able to pay for the college educations. Unfortunately we have to think about things like retirement first. I think it is nice and great when a parent can pay for college, but it certainly is not a given.
I have a kid who is in college, which he pays for himself. His father is really well off. I have no right to tell his father that he must pay for college. It would be nice since he could very easily pay for it, but I have no right to make him do so.
Unfortunate priorities change as we get older.
I am of the school of belief,
I am of the school of belief, if you agreed to it in a CO you best be sure you can provide it. I don't take this stance lightly. And I am taking it from my stepsons perspective and not my bio's. I provide 100% for my daughters.
When my SO signed his ludicrous CO, he read it and understood it, as well as signed accepting it. As OP's exH did, I am sure. If no provision could be/ was made for tertiary education that should not be the young man's problem.
"HOWEVER were we still in our
"HOWEVER were we still in our original family state, we would be paying for these children to go to university/ technikon/ college etc."
If you're talking about your situation only, then please disregard this comment. However, if you're generalizing all situations, then I beg to differ. Neither of my parents (who actually were divorced, though it made no difference)paid one red cent towards my education, which entailed 3 1/2 years of undergrad (graduated a semester early despite sometimes working up to 3 jobs, including my work study) followed by 3 years of law school. I worked to pay for myself, got financial aid, some scholarships and some loans. If parents can afford it and want to pay for their child's college education, I think that's great, but to say it happens as a matter of course in all situations is untrue.
I am So I apologise if that
I am
So I apologise if that doesn't come through well.
"I also know lots of SMs
"I also know lots of SMs think that a 20 year old should be taking care of himself."
Ummm, I'm a BM to 2 DSs, and I think a 20 year-old can substantially take care of himself or herself. I am a lawyer and attended college and law school with NO--that's right, $0--help from either of my parents. Took me 17 years to pay off my loans, but I did it, and am a better person for it.
Boy, having my own bios was worth being able to make comments about how I feel without being questioned about my motives just because I'm a SM!
Right on!! I am a BM to 2 20
Right on!! I am a BM to 2 20 year-olds who are substantially taking care of themselves. Both are in college, with the loans to prove it. My XH, Asshat, pays for their tuition and books and the rest is on them. I give them half and they borrow or work to pay for the rest.
I put myself through college by tending bar and singing. I NEVER assumed that my parents would pay for it. I always knew that they couldn't.
Unless agreed otherwise in
}:) Unless agreed otherwise in the CO which these men sign
There are many schools that
There are many schools that offer merit scholarships not based on need. Most cover full tuition. Living expenses may also be subsidized, but I'm of the opinion that one has to pay to live even if not going to school. One does not need to borrow $80,000 for living expenses.
A student does not have to be a genius to get a merit grant - but one does have to work EXCEPTIONALLY hard.
I get the comments about
I get the comments about 'ex-H agreed to it and signed to it and should have to pay for it'. And maybe that's the way to go. In the cases where there's no money, at least ex-H can go bankrupt for paying for BS's tuition, because BS can't default on student loans.
But I think it's foolish. I think the CS situation is ridiculous, and for those situations where the NCP is perfectly happy to give CP money to allow CP to decide for the family on how funds are distributed, that should be the end of it. If not, then suck it up butter cup, life events happen and no one has perfect information and things go wrong.
I would not agree to pay for my own kid's tertiary education under any circumstances. I know in some countries it's prohibitively expensive, in others it's cheap, and in others there's a wide range of option. I support my kid getting an education, but lots of people get degrees and all it shows that is that mommy and daddy had money.
I live in Canada and got a
I live in Canada and got a student loan. There's a federal student loan and provincial student loan and not once did they ask me about my parents income. It has nothing to do with it as they're expected to pay for their schooling themselves and not leech off mom and dad their entire lives.
When we applied there was a
When we applied there was a line asking for parents income. They asked for a specific line om my tax assessment (sorry I don't remember which line). Maybe because BS still lived at home? He went straight from HS to Uni.
And getting exH was a pain because he wouldn't give me any personal information. BS, who was 17 at the time had to get involved and tell his dad it was for his student loan app, not because I wanted any info.
Are your parents still together? Because it's different if they are divorced.
We'll see what happens. I'm
We'll see what happens. I'm pretty sure that once he talks to his lawyer he'll come up with the money.
This is his knee jerk reaction whenever I tell him I need money for the kids. He automatically thinks I'm using it for myself. Which was why I suggested he send CS directly to BS.
His mother took money from his father and never spent a cent on him or his 3 siblings. She, however always had the latest fashions, her hair and nails were perfect and she went out with friends every chance she got. I know this but honestly thought we'd gotten past all this bullshit.
I'd just gotten off the phone with him when I posted and was so angry that we were back to this.