This is my first couple of days to this site and so far it's the only place where I feel like it's okay to be a bit overwhelmed and that I'm not abnormal for sometimes resenting my skids (or my partner) and their behavior, and this rather trying situation I find myself in, but I'm not alone!

By way of very brief background, I love my partner so much, and he I. We've found in each other something that we haven't ever had with anyone else (including my skids BM), he is EXCEPTIONALLY reasonable, supportive, and has my back 100%... but that doesn't mean that being in a "Blended family" is particularly easy.

There are instances where he's trying to be "the nice guy" and I end up missing out or being hurt in the process...and it's those times where he JUST DOESN'T GET IT. He cannot see why I'm upset, or miffed, or I feel put out. And I'm not even saying the half of it.

Now we (my partner and I) are expecting our first child together and we're both over the moon- and the skids are surprisingly supportive and exciting.
They still do and say hurtful things (I must stress, however, that things are so so so soooooo much better than they were 2.5 years ago when we started out), but that's not the problem per se.

The thing is, that EVERYTHING they do is frustrating and grating and hurtful at the moment. I mean fer chrissakes, no matter how well we get along (for the moment) they're not my kids. I don't want them around when I don't feel like it, but have to put up with it because the times /days designated works best for their BM.... and I don't want to feel bad for wanting a choice. I don't want to feel bad for not loving them as much as I feel that I'm expected to. And will our kid miss out on things with his dad because of them? Special moments that he shouldn't have to share?

I am NOT EMOTIONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM and shouldn't be manipulated but still I am.... I'm trying my best to be understanding here, but the more I try to be reasonable, the more acceptable it seems for others to be allowed to be wildly unreasonable and selfish and mean spirited.

At the end of the day- and I know there's not much I can do about it, but still- it's just having them around in my space, walking around like they own the joint, monopolizing mine and my partners time that kills me. I want them in my life less and less. And this makes me feel like THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

This is after things have improved... what happens if things get bad again? It's been a long road to get here, when is it going to be "rewarding"? and less gutting?

Now- My question is: Is this just a pregnant hormone thing that will pass, am I already overprotective of "my" kid and "nesting" or is that I really am a bad person?

Is it the reality of being stuck with these monsters and their abominable mother making calls on our/my time and money and basically making decisions for MY life, and my treasured, beautiful life with my partner, really sinking in? Perhaps it's because the SS and SD ARE being strangely nice about the pregnancy, that I realize that they will ALWAYS be part of my life, now that I'm having their half sibling.

Gawsh. Do any of you just feel trapped sometimes? I know I chose this life and I have no regrets, but maaaaan, if I had my time over, I would really think long and hard about some of the decisions I've made...

I'm being really restrained, BTW, and there are some home truths that are probably not relevant to this blog but certainly come into play with rationalizing my thoughts.... this is the Cliff notes version...

Oh! And being that I am new... I'm still getting used to the abbreviations.

I think I called my partner my BF in a comment... Awwwwkwwward. Of course I meant Boyfriend.