How do you cope with feeling ignored?
I feel like I'm being really childish. I feel resentful because now that ss16 is here DH spends most of his time with ss16 and unless I want to do what they're doing all the time, I'm pretty much on my own. I really resent it and find myself acting childish and almost petty. I'm not usually like this. Having ss16 here brings the worst out in me:/
I am really good about keeping myself busy and giving them plenty of time and space to do their own thing. To a point I even enjoy the extra time to myself to relax and do my own thing. But I feel our life gets really out of balance because DH doesn't see ss16 often so he tries to make up for lost time. And I'm just left to my own devices. Until ss16 goes home at which point DH will lean on me for emotional support to a point that my resentment hits a new level of extremely high. And we usually have ugly fights at that point.
I feel like I should be more rational and that I should be able to be more understanding about the whole situation. I am usually a reasonable, calm person but by the end of the summer I will be a very grouchy and angry woman:(
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Yes, it's childish but I also
Yes, it's childish but I also think that it is normal. I also feel the same when the skids come over. If I don't want to sit and play xbox or go skiing all the time, I'm on my own. It sucks!! My husband knows it though... I feel lonely and rejected and I feel like I'm not a part of their cute little family. I hate feeling like that. Don't know how to fix it though and I too act childish. I have even find myself crying to get DH's attention. But that has to stop. If you find a solution, please share
agreed, I don't feel like
agreed, I don't feel like part of "their" family, I feel super left out
I'm with you, I don't really
I'm with you, I don't really have any advice and I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels childish and petty, I too real ignored when SD15 is around, my FDH doesn't text or call me when he's with her ever and lays on the couch with her etc. and really makes me feel left out when shes there and we have her 50%. Then I get upset bc he says I'm jealous, I promise I'm not jealous, I really feel uncomfortable around them together bc they make me feel that way! I think its great he's such a good dad but he doesn't know how to balance and I just keep to myself and do my own thing, then we end up fighting bc I really feel like the 3rd wheel and he wants up to b a "family" and says I alienate myself, yea I do bc how YOU make me feel!!!!! ugh...........
I completely feel your pain
I completely feel your pain on the 3rd wheel comment. It's always this way when one of our SD's comes over. Feels like I am an outsider in my own house, and I hate that feeling. Especially when SD and DW are all sprawled out on the couch leaving nowhere for me to sit. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but psychologically it is....not leaving a place for me to sit.
I also hate it because whenever they talk in low voices, I know they are having a "secret" conversation, and DW is probably agreeing to something that she knows I would object to.
YES!!!!! Exactly! Thats how I
YES!!!!! Exactly! Thats how I feel, and it doesn't help that SD isn't a huge fan of me, she has no reason not too but she's super jealous I took her daddys attention. You are right I try to tell myself it's not a big deal but it really hurts my feelings when theres no where for me to sit, So I just look childish when I walk in and walk out and go upstairs. I really hate "picture time" reminiscing of the old days when I wasn't around and SD had her family back than. Apparently 5 years later she still wants her mom and dad together and won't accept it will never happen. I can't say I understand bc I don't. I know thats what everyone wants but they had an awful, unemotional disconnected roommate marriage. Who would want to live in a situation like that? But I guess thats all she knew.......
It's just a really awful feeling, and I tell FDH how I feel and he's pretty quiet about it. FSD15 almost drank herself to death this past weekend, we spent the weekend in ICU. She's fine and has no damage thank god but now I'm having anxiety that it's going to be worse than ever when she comes home this week. understandably FDH has been beside himself that he could have lost her and now he's texting, calling and checking in on her all the time, she's not allowed to go anywhere or do anything he's just grateful she's ok and is being a little overbearing. He said we need to do more with all the kids........Thats all we do!!!
I feel horrible for feeling this way but I really can't help it
I've had the same problem,
I've had the same problem, feeling like the third wheel and really it's not the skids that make me feel that way its DH. It's like they have their own language or something you know. I don't talk about my past when my dh is around but when his kids come all they want to do is talk about their mom's family and who's sick and who's doing what it really gets to me. DH turns into this different person when they are here and unfortunately they come tonight for 5 nights and I'm sure by Monday we will be arguing, just like always. I really wish I could have a better attitude but I don't. We have to do what the skids want or what he wants to do with them all weekend long and who cares about me or my bioson. He will stay up late late every night instead of being in bed with me at a decent time. He will spend all day and night outside in the garage while the skids play outside. Its the same ole stuff over and over again. We talk and we talk and I can see some things changing every so often but it's never enough for me to feel like im part of the family! Mine says I alienate myself and it's never his fault. But really if he would act the same way whether skids were here or not then things would be fine. but skids show and he's gotta be mr perfect and show off dad, always taking them some place or doing something and not spending anytime with his wife! I hope things are different this time around, this last week has been amazing with our relationship we have been working on it so i just hope he continues to do so even tho they are here.
I don't think bioparents will
I don't think bioparents will ever get it. DW accuses me of being selfish all the time and not wanting her to give anybody a slice of her attention. I don't think I'm being selfish at all.
I have to share her attention with my MIL, my four adult SD's, all 6 grandkids. When any of the SD's come over it's like I don't exist. And they are always calling for advice on stupid shit they should be able to figure out themselves.
Not to mention now that we are raising GS3 we get hardly ANY time to ourselves. I think I probably get the least amount of attention from DW. I leave the house at 5:25am. She gets off work at 5pm, and then talks to whoever she talks to on her way to pick up GS3. Then she normally is on the phone with somebody else on her way home. She normally doesn't get home till 6:30. By that time I have dinner made and it's time for us to eat. We get to talk maybe 30 mins and then it's time for one of us to give GS3 his bath. We try to have GS3 in bed around 8pm, so one of us will put him to bed. He normally doesn't actually fall asleep till 9pm and by that time the other person is in bed relaxing.
Wow! This is what I go
Wow! This is what I go through all the time. I have done alot of soul searching because DH has told me I am jealous and I think it is horrible to be jealous over a child even if he is 16.
But I deal with the same things. Everything is about SS when he is over. They will spend hours outside or just talking and most of the time I have no clue as to what they are talking about and cannot contribute to the conversation. Sometimes I think they both do this on purpose.
I feel so alientated from DH at these times. He is so happy to spend time with SS. I do wish he would show that much emotion when spending time with me so maybe that is jealousy. :?
I too feel so uncomfortable when they are together. Like I could fall off the face of the earth, or have a heart attack right in front of them and they wouldn't notice until it was time to eat!
My DH says that I alientate myself but that is not true they don't even try to include me...
We're on the same boat, I
We're on the same boat, I don't want to be with them because they're making up the time they lost, but I also feel... kind of jealous?
I hate when it happens... :sick:
DH tells me the same thing!
DH tells me the same thing! He says I exclude and alienate myself!
He doesn't recognize that our lifestyle is completely changed when ss16 is here. It doesn't even remotely resemble our usual life.
I do try to get involved a little bit. But I get tired of video games and guy TV shows/movies. And once ss16 starts to get an attitude and DH is oblivious to it, I'm off to my room where it's peaceful and I don't have to deal with the tension and conflict.
I feel ignored and unappreciated. I try to look at the situation from a logical point of view, DH doesn't get to see ss16 very much and he's making the most of his time. But those feelings of resentment just keep building.
There's a whole lot of expectation placed on a step mom. Be super friendly and excited, get involved in everything. Completely set aside your own needs or feelings for theirs. Don't get upset that your husband doesn't have time for you. Find lots of things to do by yourself. And be happy and positive about all this.
Once ss16 goes home I'll be so used to doing my own thing that I'll be angry when DH demands my constant attention and expects me to be super supportive because he's sad that ss16 is gone. I've tried to explain over and over to DH why it's not reasonable to put so much expectation on me and he never gets it.
I'm not very good at this at all.
EVERYTHING changes when SD
EVERYTHING changes when SD comes home!!! I hate it! Why does it have to change???!!!! It's like I live in 2 different houses depending on if she's there or not and it DOES make me resentful!!!
"I feel our life gets really
"I feel our life gets really out of balance because DH doesn't see ss16 often so he tries to make up for lost time"
This is the problem in a lot of situations.
Parents need to realize they cannot make up for lost time. They cannot make up for the pain a divorce has caused the child. They cannot make up for the fact that the child's life is now split between two households. I have seen this happen with both NCPs and CPs. It's called GUILT.
The best thing parents can do for their children (and current relationships) is to continue to parent the same way they did before (unless they were a crappy parent before, but you know what I mean). Also, as Don't know what to do stated, act the same towards spouse as they do when the kids are not there.
It is easy to resent the kids when they are the reason you are being treated differently by your own spouse. In my opinion, these are very valid feelings. Not that my opinion means much!
I resent that DHs have the
I resent that DHs have the nerve to suggest that we are jealous.
That is actually a very gross statement. Jealous of a stepkid? How about annoyed.
We are good enough to marry and provide all those benefits...but when the kid comes around...we are on the backburner...that's what I call myself...the "backburner wife".
It sucks.
It's like a double edged
It's like a double edged sword for me... on one side, I DON'T WANT to spend time "hanging around" with SD, so I would rather not run to the store with them, or sit in her room and chit chat while DH is in there doing so..... but then on the other side I get ticked when I feel like I am being left out and they are having their cutesy little previously enjoyed "family" time...
I've decided that I am only happy when skids are just not around period....
I can totally relate!! What
I can totally relate!! What you all have said, is exactly how I feel. I feel cast aside, till the skids go back home, then DH is back to the way it normally is. Its like I have two hubbys. One who acts one way when the skids arent here (the guy I fell in love with) and then another guy when tye skids are here ( when life is ALL about the skids & their wants). Its exhausting!!! My DH has told me once in a fight we had, about how differently he acts when they are here, he yelled at me, in front of tge skids, that im jealous of them. But I know 100% that Im NOT jealous of them, nope, not in the least bit!!! But sadly he has given these kids the thought that Im jealous of them-- thanks soooo much DH!!! My DH needs to realize that he needs to stop saying things to me infront if these kids. Now I hold it all in to try to diffuse the sutuation-- which is surely adding to my anxiety to when they come. Its like im preparing for the worst. Uck!
I feel like that
I feel like that sometimes...a lot of the time I feel like DH and SS act like it's still just them
We got into the other night because I didn't want to watch the Glee project. I like Glee okay? I just don't care that they competed against each other to get there. I hate reality tv. I don't watch dancing with the stars or the bachelor or any other BS reality crap they show on tv. DH knows this but felt like since his mom never pays attention to him and SS loves me and I love him I should have stayed up and watched it with him (it was a weekend) Of course I got mad because I DO spend time with SS...more than he does actually because he works overnight. It really made me mad that he got so angry. I'm sorry the sea donkey doesn't do anything for him-that's not my problem. I do a lot for him and spend a lot of time with him.
But I digress...I think it's normal to feel that way.
DaisyDuke...I agree...it is
DaisyDuke...I agree...it is best when SD is gone!
My house has been so peaceful since SD left for college!