When BM found out that me and (my future) DH were dating, she quickly escalated all contact into screaming at him. Even if she ATTEMPTED to call for some flimsy excuse based on the skids, she would soon be screaming at him. He also didn't have COed parenting schedule in place when I met him. He got to see his kids at HER discretion (meaning when she wanted a free babysitter).

I left things alone between them except for once, when I took the phone from him when she was yelling at him (on MY phone in MY apartment where she called MY phone number) and told her that she couldn't talk to him unless she could actually TALK and not scream. Well, that degenerated into her screaming and cussing at ME and then hanging up.

It wasn't until after she decided to take the skids out of school for a MONTH long vacation WITHOUT telling DH they were going anywhere, that I finally convinced him that he needed a CO to protect his rights. When they got it drawn up, he also had a NO CONTACT order put in there because of her harassment. We also had it added that the skids were to be exchanged at a neutral third-party location in their town that was specifically for kids with high conflict parents. The judge ordered that both of them were responsible for half the cost of that exchange site. This was because of how she acted when we would go get them for their visits. Once she came lumbering out onto the lawn screaming her fool head off. It really pained me to see the shocked look on the skids' faces (not to mention my OWN son!) to see their mom freak out on us.

And that, right there, took a LOT of control away from the BM not to mention really cut down on how much she butted into our lives. Probably was a huge factor in me being able to stay with him until after the skids aged out!

My sson's BM is a pain in our rear. DH is all about "co-parenting" and such but he makes sure that 99% of their conversation is through email or text messages. If I'm not with him when he receives an email, he forwards it to me, if I'm right there he gets a text or email from her, he brings the phone over so we can read it together. If it's a voicemail or phone conversation, he tells me about the content. When BM contacts my DH it's about 1 of 3 things. 1. To ask him once again to keep the kids a day or more longer because she has something to do and can't pick them up when she's supposed to. 2. Bad mouth me in some shape or form or blame me for whatever new behavior the ssons have. this week, apparently the boys were wrestling in her house and she automatically assumes that it's because I allow it in our home. 3. complain about how difficult it is to be a single mother, how she's not dating, that she's celibate for the sake of the kids. She always brags about what a wonderful mother she is, all the sacrifices she makes for the kids! -This is the woman who at least twice a month gives away a day or more of her parenting time. Since DH and I got together a few years ago I can honestly say I spend more time with the boys than she does and yet you don't see me bragging about what an outstanding SM I am! geez!

DH cannot stand BM so when he communicate with her it's strictly about the ssons. A few months ago they went to mediation and after it, BM was trying to be friendly and got to the point of hugging DH. Believe me, he had hell to pay for it once he told me about it. The woman is not allowed in our home for a reason therefore a hug is definitely out of the question.

I definitely think ALL communication should be kid related.

Phone calls should be reserved for (REAL) emergency use only. Phone calls only returned in the case of emergency.

Neither parent should ever go in the others home nor should they be alone or go out to eat as a family.

Schedules should be set and only necessary changes made. Schedule changes, appointments, insurance or other matters can be discussed via email. For young children under the age of 12 I think once a week email should be enough.

For older children less than once a week.

As the child grows there should be less and less communication with the BM and more with the child regarding schedules, appointments, etc.

IMO, by the time the child turns 18 (a legal adult) the only communication that should go to the BM should be in the case of an emergency only.

How did we handle this?

Stop answering her phone calls. Let ALL calls go to voice mail. Responding only to matters that NEEDED a response.

Stop allowing her in our home. DH stopped attending the "family" dinners.

By the time SS was 16 DH communicated with him regarding schedules, appointments, etc and all coorespondance with BM was limited to a few phone calls or emails regarding medical or school issues and SS was copied on most of the emails. Copies of things BM needed was either scanned and emailed or (snail) mailed to her.

SS is 18 now and DH has talked to BM once this year so far. All other calls went to voicemail and was not returned (not necessary). DH talks to SS about most things (even insurance, etc) that BM will call him about. Which considering SS's age we feel like is appropriate.

I am so thankful for ST. If I hadn't of found this site I doubt I would still be married. I was drowning in a sea of BM's calls and intrusions in our life and in our marriage. DH had me convinced it was normal and I felt like I was loosing my marriage and my sanity. When some of the girls on ST told me that it wasn't normal and I didn't have to accept her intrusions or live like that I was so relieved and felt like finally there was some hope for our marriage.

It hasn't always been easy but we keep working on it.

I honestly don't know what communications should be in a "normal" situation because I have never come across a normal situation.

I have a history of being involved with cheating bastards (my fault for picking losers). So for me absolutely no communications is needed between DH and BM except in case of death. Of course BM did not tell DH about older SS's death so that was really weird.

And looking at others' situations - if the exes are very friendly they are usually still sleeping together.