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What is fair when it comes to Maturity and expectations for skids of different ages?

SisterNeko's picture

I came to the sad realization the other day that SS5 is more mature than SS7 and SS7 expects to receive the same praise for doing 'big boy' things as SS5.

DH and I have given up on trying to convince BM that the skids are NOT babies anymore. But for the past year or so we have been doing our part to promote Independence and maturity in the skids because DH and I are trying to have a baby of our own. And lets face it I am not looking forward to seeing the regress when baby arrives.

I have posted in the past that skids have some issues which include attention problems, sleep issues and autism. But to me these are no excuse for laziness and BM just feeds their laziness by basically doing everything for them.

But the other day we were getting ready for bath time when SS5 asked me to wash him, for whatever reason SS5 will not let DH wash him, it has to be me. To which SS7 chimes in that he wants me to wash him as well. I declined and SS7 began to pout that it wasn't fair that I wash SS5 but not him, we make him wash himself. I told him that he was old enough to wash himself and even SS5 had started to do something things on his own, I just supervise. So then he asked for my supervision.

Then the other day we were out snowmobiling and SS5 was doing great. He got off the machine and was undressing himself while SS7 just stood there want waited for assistance so when we went inside I told SS5 what a great job he was going and what a big boy he was. SS7 chimes in that he was a big boy too. He even explained to me how he was older than SS5. I told him that was great now start acting older. I said no more baby talk, it's not cute and start helping Nana with your snow gear. It was harsh I know but seriously it's getting old.

And we try to praise him for doing things he should but he just doesn't do it enough so yeah he gets praised less that SS5, but when we praise ss5 now he will chime in that he does that too, which is great but he is 2 years older! The expectations are higher and he doesn't seem to get it.

I have also talked about how SS7 struggles to make friends his own age, but at BM's house they don't get out much and he just plays with SS5. He had a little friend last summer but he quit coming over because SS7 didn't want to do anything of the things that the kid wanted to.

Even yesterday I was washing the bedding and I pulled the covers off to find 6 teddy bears in SS7's bed, one he calls "Beary". While SS5 only had 1, a stuff dragon named "Dragon". SS5 is really into fighting and robots while SS7 prefers Pokemon Cards and video games.

And explaining it to him only seems to make sense to about 2 minutes. I thought about having DH take SS7 out to do 'man' things.

Comments

Anon2009's picture

"Even yesterday I was washing the bedding and I pulled the covers off to find 6 teddy bears in SS7's bed, one he calls "Beary". While SS5 only had 1, a stuff dragon named "Dragon". SS5 is really into fighting and robots while SS7 prefers Pokemon Cards and video games."

I slept with my teddy bear well into adulthood. I think if he wants to do that, as long as he doesn't take them to sleepovers at friends' houses (maybe he could bring a stuffed Pokemon animal instead to those).

"And lets face it I am not looking forward to seeing the regress when baby arrives."

This sometimes happens in intact families when a new baby arrives as well.

Is SS7 the one with autism?

SisterNeko's picture

The bear thing doesn't bother me as much since I sleep with a pillow that I snuggle. It's that he calls them these cute names and talked about them 'being his 'babies''. lol

Yeah I figured as much when it comes to the baby. SS5 has taken an interest in babies lately (DH's brother just had a baby) he likes them and wants to 'help' or play with them but SS7 seems to be indifferent. The issue with him right now in his patience. He will come out and start braking orders at me and expect me to jump right up and help him - something I won't be able to do with a baby.

Oddly enough it's SS5 that 'supposedly' has Autism. I say 'supposedly' because I don't think he has it I think he was just sheltered and got behind but now he seems to be catching up just fine. Even SS7's therapist said that SS5 doesn't act like someone with Autism but SS7 does. The pediatrician offered to test SS7 for it last year but BM declined.

PeanutandSons's picture

I understand the frustration. Both my skids are immature for their ages...esp ss11. He gets "very immature for his age" on every report card or conference paper we get from the school. Both of them would be perfectly contact to be treated like toddlers. We enforce as close to age appropriate behaviors as possible but its been a daily battle for years.

Sadly bs3 has surpassed them both in some areas....and they are 11 and 10. SD is 15 months your anger than SS and she beats him in about ever facet of maturity. I'd put SS around the level of a 5 yr old if you don't push him.

love_my_shichi's picture

According to a DISNEY DAD, they are "just kids" as long as they are....well,,,,HIS KIDS!!!! So, I mean....don't go throwing too high of expectations on the poor little darlings, with the divorce and all.

Being transported from one home based location to another within a week and/or month is way too much stress for a child, he or she must not be expected to have any manners due to the horrible emotional toll and strain being placed upon them. Best they sit upon their arse and play XBOX all weekend. And bitch and complain and cry and whine. Expectations are WAY TOO HEAVY. no no no

SisterNeko's picture

Thank god I didn't get a Disney Dad. DH seems to want the boys to be more like... boys. It drives him nuts when SS7 gets a paper cut and cries like a baby for 10 minute but SS5 can take a fall then pop back up and say "I'm Okay"

He lectured me the other day for getting SS& a 'girl' toy from McDondals the other day, but he asked for it.

PeanutandSons's picture

That's ss11...this kid cries over everything and he cries forever! Two years ago we had a joint Dr appt for the three older kids. SS was 9 SD was 7 [almos 8] and bs was 18 months. They all had to get shots. SD got hers and didn't cry....bs got two and didn't cry....ss gets his and bawls like someone was branding him. Fighting the nurse, clawing at her hand to pull the needle out. Then proceeded to cry hysterically for ten minutes. So friggin embarrassing.