You need to step up here. I have been following this and it sounds like your child is being bullied by your SD. She has no remorse for any of it. I guarantee something is going on and you are not being your child's advocate. If you asked here if she was miserable in your household, I am sure she would say yes.

If you have an Ex in the picture, don't be surprised if she wants to live there. SS14 was miserable with his bio sister and now lives with us full time because of it. He hates her and they are related. THey only see each other in the hallways at school. No relationship at all.

You need to stand up for your child to your husband and if you can't do the right thing and get her out of there. This disgusts me when a parent sacrifices a child for love...

DH should have asked his DD what the fight was about. This is getting absurd. YOU have to step up and do something. Protect your child. Even if it means moving until the DD's are out of the house.

You need to say to HIM that this stops here. My daughter is an equal in this house to his daughter. Start doing some yelling and stop being a door mat, because it really sounds like you are. She is your only child and needs to be your priority and he has his head in the sand....

I'm so sad for your daughter. That must be very hard for her to have to LIVE with her bully as well as going to school with her. I agree with everyone else that something big needs to happen and change so she's in a better place.

If you know that by stepping up and saying something to him isn't going to change his parenting of SD and YOU yourself can't change anything with her, you have two choices: you either stay in the relationship and watch your daughter go downhill (possibly into further depression) and suffer at the hands of SD or you can tell DH that you're NOT standing for this bullshit and pack yours and your daughter's bags and leave. Even if it's temporary, to give him the clear message that something has to change or you won't subject your daughter to that situation any longer.

I wish I could help. That's a tough situation to be in. My ex bullied my daughter and I was so scared of him that I allowed it for years and years. Guess what? My daughter LEFT me and lives with her dad in Michigan full time. I get to see her spring break, summer and when I go up to Michigan from Denver at Christmas. I made the biggest mistake of my life out of fear that I couldn't make it on my own. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Your daughter should be your #1 priority right now since she's in pain. If your husband can't see that his daughter needs to have his foot up her ass and change her shitty behavior and DO something about it - well, I see nothing improving until you get out.

Good luck. Keep us updated. I hope your daughter isn't suffering permanent damage or will resent you for not standing up for her and removing her from that horrible situation with SD.

Just curious are you always this much of a door mat with him? Because honestly, you need to get a backbone here....He is not parenting in anyway. But, that is not your problem. You can disengage from his parenting, but you do need to be your childs advocate and call SD out on everything she is doing. You can be assertive here. He obviously can't, but you can be with your SD. If it was me and I have been here with SD bullying my BS, I would be in her face when he is not around and letting her know exactly what she is doing is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. Put the fear of god in her....

My SD16 threatened my son on Facebook to have him beat up. I went to school and the police to find out my rights. I didn't care, that was my child. The school intervened and moved them away from each other on the bus. She was put right behind the driver and that stopped the behavior and made her know that she could not be tolerated by us. Her games were over.

BM still thinks that DH went to the school, but that was all me. DH wanted to wait and see if something happened. But, my son is my prioroty not that brat...

Stand up and don't just have a conversation with him. You need to do all the talking about what will not be tolerated for your child. Seriously, stand up to him and SD before this gets out of hand. Your daughter has no safe place and that is a problem.

Do something!!! I've been in your shoes-my ss14.5 was a horrendous bully to all 3 of my kids. There were times I let things go I shouldnt have. But I will tell you I definitely made dh and ss uncomfortable. If I was unhappy about what was going on, if my kids were unhappy, well, they were damn well going to be unhappy too. I've found that even if dh doesnt think things are issues, lots of bitching and no sex from me typically gets him to reconsider fairly easily. Also as "woman of the house" I provided lots of comforts for ss-washing his clothes, buying and cooking his food, driving him places, etc-if he messes with my kids? Hello, I'm not doing a damn thing for you buddy.

Eventually these actions on my part continued to be ineffective. They helped for awhile-in the shortterm, but long term ss continued to be an asshole. Dh continued to be ineffective in making him change. So I told dh he had to go. SS14 has been living with my inlaws since June. Please, please do not make the mistake of not parenting your own kids correctly in order to please your so. I have made the mistake in the past and it is something I horribly regret.

But I'm still worried-even if I leave,what if it keeps going in school?
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Then you take care of it at school. If you leave, at least YOUR child will have a safe place to live and not live with the enemy.

But, I am sorry, it really sounds like you just want to vent and not really help you child. I say this because all I hear are excuses. I feel really bad for your kid. And yes...she needs to learn to stand up for herself and talk to you about what is going on.

What if your kid is the real bully in this situation? You will have no idea because no one is getting to the bottom of the situatino.

My SS's bullied my DD and DS both at school and in our house. I had a straight up "discussion" with my DH who didn't really see the issue in it... until I told him there was NO WAY I was going to teach my children to "go along to get along" and if they had to get ugly in order to get the point across that they were NOT going to be bullied, I'd be the first one to teach them.

It's bad enough that kids have to take that kind of crap out in the world: school, the bus, social gatherings, etc. But then to have to face it at home? The one place where they are supposed to be safe, and they aren't?

At school, my SS's basically had 30 or 40 kids calling my DD an absolutely HORRIBLE name as she would sit in class, walk thru the hallway, or be at recess. They were relentless. I went to my DD's teachers and principal and told them I don't care if we are considered "family", I wanted absolute separation during school hours. It progressed beyond family when all of these other kids got involved. The teachers were witnessing to the fact that my straight-A student was failing miserably in school, and they all truly believed it was due to the bullying going on.

Frankly, I didn't give a shit who I pissed off or embarrassed. The little cretins knew exactly what they were doing, but they forgot they were also messing with this Mama Bear. DH wasn't happy, but also wasn't willing to step up and do something about it because it would mean getting after his precious two.

Oh well.

You have to get your daughter to speak to you. My BD13 is a clam-up type. What works for me is to be with her in the car. Go to the grocery store parking lot or something. Just sit in the car, face her, tell her you can't help her if she doesn't talk. Be patient (I am so impatient - lol) wait her out, just sit there with the car running and some music on quietly - music she likes - you will be out of the house for one in territory that might help her open up. She can cry and noone can see her, bring some tissues - wait her out quietly.

Tell her you want to help, you need to know what happened so that you can be the parent and understand what you need to do. Explain its your job to help her but if she doesn't talk she is tying your hands because you can't help her if you don't know what is going on.

She is old enough to have a discussion. Maybe she can even participate in what she thinks will be a good way to go about it.

Get that girl to talk.

If you get her to talk it through, maybe you can discuss other ways she could have handled it. Maybe she needs permission to stand up for herself. I had a similar situation with my BD13 when she was 11 where a former friend was bullying her at school - once I got my daughter to open up - its almost like she needed permission to stand up for herself, once she had the permission - she was able to do just that and after a short bit, the bully lost interest. Not saying its always that easy - but get that girl to talk.

My ss14 still goes to school with my kids. My dd15 was also "I'm just going to get along type"-through MUCH coaching from me-she is much better on this avenue and while she still chooses to ignore alot of the petty dumb stuff my ss does-if he really pisses her off she gets in his face and threatens to blow the whistle on all of his bad behaviors that she knows about that would horribly humilate him (because they are so incredibly bad and humilitating). Of course, the shoe is on the other foot with my dd-she is the one that is very popular while my ss is just so not. This helps my dd quite a bit as she doesnt really ahve to worry about him turning a school full of people against her. Fortunately for My dd the balance of "power" is on her side at school. Unfortunately for your dd the balance of power seems to be squarely with sd both at school and home. She has no escape.

I think "bully" is a big word, and one that is often thrown around far too freely, much like "abuse."

So, why exactly do you think DD is being bullied??

You have two teen girls who are unrelated living together. (Hell, the unrelated part is probably moot because teen bios would argue.)

Is it possible, since I haven't heard any specifics, that these girls are just doing what teen girls do? Picking, heckling, being generally stupid?

I must've missed something, because everyone seems to be jumping all over the "it's abuse! it's bullying! protect your child!!" bandwagon...

to me it sounds like more than normal teen stuff-if there was some sort of argument on the stairs the other day and you have said that there is ongoing stuff at school. His daughter is trying to turn classmates against your daughter-I dont even understand why your dh would NOT want to address this-does he want his daughter to grow up to be a mean bitch? I wouldnt want my kids doing this to anyone much less someone that is supposed to be "family". Your daughter is coming home and crying over this stuff-it apparently needs to be addressed.

It's hard being bullied at school, but it must be a hundred times harder to live with the bully at home. There is no place to hide and no escape from the feelings of anger and humilation. Bullying can be a subtle drip drip drip of slights and meanness, which are devastating to the child and their self esteem.

It's even worse because it has not been addressed in your home at all, and SD sees no consequences to her behaviour. It is shocking that your husband did not address the issue of the argument with his daughter, when your daughter was obviously upset, and in effect gave his daughter 2 rewards for participating in an argument which left her stepsister in tears: chocolate and an outing with her friend.

I wonder if your daughter is not opening up to you to tell you what's wrong because she has given up, and lost faith in your ability to do anything. If that's true then the situation is having a dangerous effect on her and she is feeling ever more isolated. Even if she has to continue at the same school at least if you move out her home will be a sanctuary, and she will know that you have her back. If that were my daughter suffering I would be so angry with SD by now that I would not be able to live with her or her father anyway.