The week ended, but the drama goes on
This was a loooooonnnnng week with SS14. We had winter weather that closed schools from Tuesday afternoon onward, which meant he was here in the house nonstop for days. (Hopefully DH can find something to send him to do this summer.)
He continues to sneak food up to his room, then lie about it. It's particularly annoying because if he'd just ask to have a snack, the answer would be yes. And if he'd obey the rules and show some responsibility, we would let him have food up there.
DH looked in his room this morning to make sure he'd put away his clothes as asked (he hadn't). Then he noticed it looked like the bottom drawer was missing from his bedside table (it's an inexpensive one with collapsible drawers). SS said "there are only two." DH asked me and I said "BS. There are three. I put the damn thing together myself after Christmas." So, he says he'll call him on it and press him on what happened to it when he comes back.
A week or so ago, I bought a bag of Hershey's Kisses. I often like to have just a little bite of chocolate after lunch. I kept them on the top shelf of the pantry where I keep my "treats". I hadn't gotten one in a couple of days and went to get one a few minutes ago.
The whole bag was gone. I'd probably had a total of five.
I'm livid. He not only broke the rules about food and especially candy, but he took them without asking and knew damned well that's where I put my stuff. Sneaking. Stealing. And probably not the least bit sorry. If he'd asked, I would have let him have some. As it is, I feel furious.
Dh is gone for the day and I haven't told him yet. He bought a can of specialty nuts last week and they disappeared. He doesn't think he ate them all. I didn't find any sign of them or the Kisses in SS's room. My guess is he's gotten a lot smarter about hiding stuff. When he thought SS may have taken the nuts, he said if we found he had, he was putting a lock on the pantry and taking SS's cell phone for a week. So far, no punishments have worked.
The ongoing situation with SS (lying, sneaking, bad attitude, bad grades) is putting a lot of stress on both of us. I don't feel good disliking a kid, but that's where I find myself. He has no remorse. He does whatever he wants, blames other people for his behavior and refuses to obey rules if they don't suit him. And I'm absolutely sick of it.
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Winter weather is perfect for misery inducing kid consequences.
Kid meet show shovel. Ever two hours 24hrs a day the kid is out clearing sidewalks and driveways.
When we brought SS home from Military school at winter break of his Sr. year after he and the SpermIdiot hacked the school firewall and SS was up all night every night playing WoW with the Dipshitiot failing all but one of his classes, it happened to be a record snow fall winter. So, we had a 17yo snow blower to clear our property.
I do not play the refuses to obey rules if they don't suit him bullshit games. Neither does my bride. Our kid lived that hell several times in his teens. We made sure that the consequences he suffered far out weighed any benefit or perceived enjoyment he got from breaking the rules.
It really is a simple formula. Stop letting daddy delay and avoid. Lock the pantry, take the door off of the Skid's room, empty the room except for a matress on the floor. Force daddy to do hourly inspections any time the spawn is present. No more of this When he thought SS may have taken the nuts, he said if we found he had, he was putting a lock on the pantry and taking SS's cell phone for a week. crap. Zero tolerance, immediate confrontation, and escalating abject misery inducing consequences. Period. Dot. He can suffer until he ages out from under the CO. Then, he can finish growing up on his own time and his own dime. Make sure daddy knows that the spawn's days of invading your home, life, and marriage are numbered as no adult gets to be a detriment to the lives of others.
IMHO of course.
I don't disagree. Not
I don't disagree. Not anything we can do about it until next Sunday as it's his week with BM.
I think he should have called him out on the drawer right then, but I didn't know about SS's response until it was too late and DH wasn't sure about the number of drawers. That's the thing. SS bald-faced lies and DH gets confused and starts second-guessing himself. It's infuriating.
Latest gem: baseball practice starts tonight. BM texted DH and said SS doesn't want to go because it's "too cold." This is a kid who gets all huffy when we make him wear a jacket in 30-degree weather. It's not that cold and they'll be running around. It's not an issue. He just doesn't want to go. And, as usual, BM puts the final decision on DH.
This got to be a problem last year, with him rarely going to practice on her weeks (just like he only misses school for "illness" on her weeks). Personally, I think they should just pull him out of ball. Either that or start forcing him to go. Even the best players need practice. And acting like a certain level is beneath you is not a good look.
He wants to play high school baseball. But he doesn't want to work for it and doesn't at all understand you have to put in the time and be part of the team. I hope he doesn't make the team. Or he does and the coach verbally kicks his ass on a regular basis for his laziness and bad attitude.
DH could do a much better job of standing firm. He's always afraid of pushing too hard and being the bad guy because he knows SS already prefers BM. I think he's struggling with it, but moving closer to acceptance. Hopefully he'll eventually get to the point where he stands up the way he needs to.
Regardless, if/when SS fails to launch he will not live with us. DH has been damn clear on that. No handouts either. We plan to enjoy retirement.
IMHO, a quality parent, parents regardless.
"Kid, I don't give a shit what the rules are at your mom's, or what she lets you get away with. Get your ass in the car. You are going to practice."
Would by my default message with this kid if I were your DH
Has DH taken the school attendance records to the courts showing perfect attendance on dad's time and the opposite on mom's?
I would be dragging the XW to court by her bovine nose ring and the kid by his short and curlies to watch mommy get her ass handed to her.
Grrrrr.
With a kid like this I would believe nothing he had to say. "Don't tell me. Show me." That kid would have been shitting a third drawer for the night stand and I would have been up his ass until he did. As well as shitting a fresh bag of chocolate and a new can of mixed nuts. A liar is a liar and cannot be treated as anything other than a liar. These types need the indelible LIAR tattoo on their forehead in day-glow and night-glow ink so they can't hide who and what they are. That kid would live under a 24hr spotlight and daddy hairy eyeball when he was in my house, if I was his father.
smh
My SS was a pleaser. He did not want to disappoint anyone. His default was to tell everyone what he thought they wanted to hear. He was a liar. That is when we came up with the "Show me, don't tell me" model. We stopped asking him questions to avoid the lies. "Bring us your homework now." No way to lie about it if he could not produce it, we dealt with that. Rather than "Did you do your homework?" when he would give us an answer of "Yes." before the question was even finished. How we parented made such a major impact on him that he has zero tolerance for bullshit in his life from anyone. If some one proves themselves untrustworthy, by not also having his dedication to being faithful in a relationship, they are out of his life. This applies to his peers, his employees, and just about anyone else. They deliver to his standards, or ... stay out of his way.
I suppose we injected baggage into his life with this parenting model.
Yep. DH knows SS lies like
Yep. DH knows SS lies like crazy and doesn't trust him, but also is too passive about calling him on it or dealing with it. BM also knows he lies, yet continues to believe everything he says. SMH
DH's parents were super-strict and he resented that and swore he wouldn't make his kids as miserable as his did. So, he struggles to find the balance. I don't think he's found it because he ends up erring towards being too soft.
I guess I'm just much more of a hardass.
I was also a major people pleaser. But I'm also a horrible liar and value the truth. That's part of why I don't get this kid. If I thought I had disappointed my parents, I felt horrible. I rarely got punished. For one, I was a naturally well-behaved kid. Also, my parents knew that a talking-to was all that was needed and I'd never do whatever it was again.
As for practice, DH is out of town today/tonight so if she chooses not to make him go, that's it.
IMHO it is not that you are a hard ass. You aren't delusional.
So many parents or COD kids are willfully blind and actively delusional regarding their kids. How can anyone with even half a brain think that their kid is telling the truth anytime the kid speaks when that same kid lies their ass off regularly and the delusional parent knows it?
These parents bury their heads in the sand (Ostrich Syndrome) or beam pride at their regal incredible child who rather than riding in royal robes or the polished armor of an honorable knight on a noble steed are trotting around butt-neked on the back of a worn out flea bitten donkey (The Emporer's New Clothes Virus). These parents are doing their kids zero favors with the self delusional bullshit. At some point these kids will run face first in the granite wall of reality and when it happens, they rarely do well from the experience of having their asses bared by a boss, or a coworker, or a professor, or a academic team partner, etc... who tolerates nothing but performance.
IMHO of course.
I think you should either put a lock on the pantry door, or
I think you should either put a lock on the pantry door, or put a locking box in the pantry. No need to inform DH, just do it. He needs to realize he is the adult in this situation and should stop second guessing himself with a teenager. I would be furious if someone ate the last of my chocolate!
Agreed. At the very least, I
Agreed. At the very least, I'll move any of my stuff elsewhere. His second guessing drives me nuts. Part of the reason SS keeps lying and sneaking is he knows he can confuse DH and get away with it. Not that I think DH really and truly putting his foot down and stepping up would solve it. Most likely, SS will run crying to BM and she'll start talking about custody changes. Good riddance, I say, but I know that would hurt DH. I think he's preparing himself, but he's not there yet.
Ye Olde
Doesn't want to be the "bad guy" when he has to compete with BM's House with No Rules. (TM)