Welcome back to H3LL
Hey! It's been a while. Surprisingly, things haven't been all that bad with BM for a while. Sure, there's been the odd tiff and disagreement here and there, but it was never going to be perfect, was it? Sadly, good things must come to an end.
I was sent a mumsnet link yesterday, and I'll chew my own shoe if I'm wrong, but I'm 99% certain it's written by her. Just a post full of ramblings about how nasty I am and how I don't bend over backwards for her, basically. Something about taking things away from her--referencing SS nursery graduation and how I ended up standing at the front with him instead of her, but failing to mention that it only happened because he kept running away and ignoring her, tried climbing into a skip as she just stood and watched, so I ended up taking his hand and marching him up front.
The biggest surprise was the comments. Mumsnet is not exactly known for being on team stepmum, and yet with only one side of the story they have, politely, torn her a new one.
As if ranting and raving online wasnt enough, she started slating me to DP last night when he dropped the kids off, calling me this, that and the other. Threatening to withhold the kids from him just because she doesn't like me. She didn't like that he had a lot to say about her back. Maybe he should have bitten his tongue, be the bigger person but it's SO hard sometimes, I cant really fault him. We've both been very placid with her, sometimes enough is enough, you know?
Now she's had her partner message DP saying she won't be letting him take SS this weekend as she's not happy that DP is "grounding" him. Take grounding loosely--he is four years old and has lost his tv privileges at ours due to being excluded from school twice in the space of a week for violence towards his teachers. Apparently this isn't right and she's not letting it happen, but like she says, I've only been a mother for 5 minutes, so what would I know?
Open to hearing others thoughts on this?
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if he has court scheduled
if he has court scheduled visitation she cannot withhold the child. Perhaps he should point that out and calmly state he will be picking up his child at the scheduled time. That was he has proof if she withholds the kiddo. And proof adds up and can become a necessary court action if needed in the future.
We unfortunately don't have a
We unfortunately don't have a CO in place--not for a lack of want on my part. I've told DP to go for pick up anyway and if she refuses to hand SS over, just accept it--remain calm and tell SS you will see him next week and we can take it from there. I've gotten him into the habit of screenshotting everything on the chance it does ever go to court so we have all the proof we could need. He also made her aware that he'd be recording all their inperson interactions but I'm not sure if that's something you have to make clear each time, so I wouldn't know if that's something that would stand in court? It's her words at drop off that show the worst of her because she doesn't think it'll come back to bite her and she's able to lie about what she has or hasn't said.
maybe speed up the drop off
maybe speed up the drop off/pick ups and pretend he doesn't hear her. That way she's forced to text her nasty?
She sounds difficult.. I
She sounds difficult.. I would try to leave as much of the interraction with her to your DH..
Clearly she is bitter and jealous.. if your husband has a custody order.. and she is witholding custody.. he should file contempt against her for that. If he doesn't have an official custody order.. he needs one.. the kid is only 4... he needs the legal guidelines with a woman like that.
I might also suggest that you not step in at events like that.. your husband should have been corralling his child .. you know it is an issue for her.. so at this point.. he needs to be reminded it's his job too.
I agree I probably
I agree I probably overstepped, and I would have left it to DP to step in but he was busy making sure SD wasnt running around and being a distraction to everyone else. BM's partner was just standing there staring blankly and SS was about to jump in a skip full of crap as BM just watched him!
As SM.. you can always just
As SM.. you can always just drift off and let the parents deal with the kids. It's not so much overstepping.. but sometimes well meaning "help" is seen that way by an EX.. so it can be better to just be background when they are present.
I try. I really do try, but
I try. I really do try, but then I "don't do enough" and "if she wants to be step mum she can step up". What's the saying? Can't do right for doing wrong? As per her weird ramblings, she doesn't want the kids anywhere near me but is so angry with me because I refuse to be her free childcare when she wants or needs it on her time.
Keep to the letter of CO
Don't give a inch. Let DH handle her.
I do keep telling DP that he
I do keep telling DP that he needs a CO in place. He's slowly starting to get where I'm coming from but he doesn't want things to get messy. And knowing her, she would make it messier than a paint factory explosion. Just running around spouting baseless lies about myself and my family, and also DP. She's got it in her head that if this ever goes to court she'll be able to keep the kids out of DP's care if he's around me but fails to understand that we have all interactions with her documented--proof of her manipulating and alienating her children, refusing to be home either at all or on time. She seems very willing to charge into a fight that she isn't going to win, because in her head she has done no wrong.
Your dh needs to understand
Your dh needs to understand that things will get even messier if he DOESN'T get a CO... A CO protects everybody's interests. He needs one like yesterday.
If you have proof of the lies she's spreading about you and yours, you might be able to nail her for slander/defamation of character.
By the way, good for you for refusing to be her unpaid babysitter. You owe her nothing. When she has the kids, finding a babysitter is her problem. She can't just dump them off on you.
His reason for no CO is he
His reason for no CO is he doesn't want things to get messy?!
Messy in regards to the kids.
Messy in regards to the kids. Things are already messy with her but he doesn't want her having amo against him to use on the kids. "Your dads trying to take you away from me" blah blah blah
She's going to try and poison
She's going to try and poison them anyway, "your dad doesn't care about you or he'd see you more often", "he doesn't need you now that he has anonymo", and heaven help him if you have a baby...
His kids need to know that he cares enough to fight for them. After all, all he wants is to see his children on a regular basis. It's up to him to educate his kids that he's NOT trying take them away from their mother, he just wants to see them. He must be open with them.
The kids don't belong to their mother ...
PS
I e just seen that you have a baby. That is the biggest piece of ammunition she could have, "Your dad has replaced you with his new family. He doesn't need you anymore". He needs that CO like yesterday.
Tell him point blank that w
Tell him point blank that w/out a court order he is forever her bitch.